Syd's Daily Tirade

I AM CONNECTED!!!!

2011-03-10T13:53:00.000-08:00

Finally, after two years of not having Internet service at home I am back online!!! So much to tell, so many stories and pictures. Get ready guys, I've got tons to post!!

I know......you missed me

2010-11-23T10:24:00.000-08:00

So, It's only been about a year or so since I last posted. You wouldn't believe all that has happened and I don't know where to start so I will just give a brief summary to get you caught up.

Baby Girl aka CH1, tried her best to flunk 7th grade last year. Thankfully she managed to pass and is now working to flunk 8th grade. Apparently, she has an intense adversion to the written portion of her school work and her locker is the black hole of Cerro Gordo. I have a meeting with all her teachers today and I plan to clean out her locker, without her knowledge, prior to said meeting so that I can get to the truth of her claims that she's done all her work, it's just lost in the abyss.

Bug is in 1st grade and going to be an actress. She has developed a skill for creating new languages that only she speaks and tries to teach them to the rest of us......yeah, I'm not catching on very well. She also has a new baby sister on her mom's side and informs me that she is "a lot of work".

Bean.....oh where to I begin? Bean is the boss of my house. She does not like to wear clothes except for tank tops and tights....and a tail. She decides everyday what animal she is that day, ususally a kitty, and we are to address her as such. She has adopted the two teenage boys next door (Dude and Tackle) and they are informed daily that they are her boyfriends. She has gone so far as to run Tackle's actual girlfriend off the porch by informing her that she could not come to her house and talk to HER boyfriend.

Dude is the 18 year old boy that lives next door. He is a Senior this year and plays football. He's a good kid that is always willing to help with whatever I need (fetching dogs in the rain, babysitting Kenna, etc.).

Tackle is the 16 year old brother of Dude and he is the object of Baby Girl's complete attention. He is a Sophmore and also plays football. He is also a good kid and he always makes sure to put the water on when he drinks the last glass of tea. Basically, Nic and I have adopted the boys and they are a daily fixture at our house.

Dude has a girlfriend, Baby Bear, and she is such a cutie. She is also a member of our "extended" family and always sends me a text before she goes to bed at night to tell me she is home safe. Just love my Baby Bear.

Honey is working at the restaraunt in town so he walks to work and is home before the kids' bedtime every night. He loves it and therefore I love it. He still spoils me rotten and reminds me everyday how glad I am that he is my husband.

I've been sucked in to the world of Facebook......don't have a clue what I'm doing but I've managed to put some pictures out there and "update my status" just like a pro....I think. Heck, for all I know I'm sending text messages to terriost....

So, now you are all caught up on the family. I am getting ready for Black Friday and promise to post my adventure as it's always a source of humor. Stay tuned.......

OMG...I'm still alive

2010-06-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

Holy crap...I'm not dead. I am loving life in small town USA with my awesome Honey and my great kids. However, I have soooo much to share. I will be posting all the latest very soon. I have a whole new group of folks that have just discovered this blog and they are anxiously awaiting stories from my life....God help us all!!

I'm still here

2010-06-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

My Brother - The Rock Star

2008-09-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't mentioned it yet (since I haven't been on here in a year) but my baby brother is in a band now. Please check them out (http://www.myspace.com/nuttinfancyband). They have been playing all over town down there in the good ole South. I know I'm biased but they really are good and worth a trip out. He's the lead singer (we didn't even know he could sing until about 2 years ago). Plus - he's REALLY pretty so check them out if you get a chance.

They Haven't Killed Me Yet

2008-09-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

Don't pass out - it's really me!

Since we've moved SO much has happened. The good news is that I am NOT dead (as some have eluded to). We just bought a "new" house in Cerro Gordo and are working hard to get it fixed up so that we can move "to town". If My Honey and I make it through this without involving a divorce attorney I think we will last forever.

Since my last post (almost a YEAR ago) Bug has started Pre-K, Bean is almost 2 and Baby Girl has started Middle School (and her period - so glad she doesn't read this). We've adopted a friend for Snow Boy (her name is Roxie) and I have managed to stay out of the Piatt County News!

We have discovered that Bean is alergic to Oranges, Bug is alergic to the work "no" and Baby Girl is alergic to doing dishes. My Honey and I are reminded on a daily basis that we are "no fair" and have come to the conclusion that there is a strong possibility that Baby Girl may have to have a full set of dentures before Junior High (cause I'm going to be forced to knock her teeth out). We have also discovered that wallpaper put up in 1915 doesn't come down easily, having 3 kids in a construction zone may contrubute to achoholism and that "please help me by watching your sister for a minute" equals "get on your cellphone and wander outside" to an 11 year old.

I have begun to use phrases that I'd sworn off as a child like "because I said so", "I'll give you something to cry about", "I don't care what the other kids are doing" and "don't hug me it's too hot". I have also added a few new ones that I seem to use everyday - "where is your diaper", "please Lord tell me that's chocolate on your hands" and "one day they are going to find me running naked and screaming through the timber if you people don't LEAVE ME ALONE".

I must say that I still really love it up here but I do miss some of the things you only find in Memphis. Like, not once have I found an obiturary up here for anyone named "Junebug" or "Main Man". I have yet to pull up to a drive-thru and had to rely on my ebonics training to decipher what the person was saying on the speaker. Not one of our politicians have been appointed by God. There hasn't been one murder, rape, home invasion and not one child has died in a hot car/van here in Oakley. I can finish the crossword puzzle in "one smoke" and was forced to eat fresh corn from the fields just last week. I am now required to sit on the porch and eat watermelon with the entire family at least one Sunday a month and my kids can play outside without fear of being hit by a car, kidnapped or shot. I'm telling you - the more I think about it the more I wonder what I was thinking moving up here.

I have a ton of stories to tell and I will be posting them more regulary now that I have a good Internet connection. I promise they will be worth the wait.

Thanks to everyone that has inquired about my mortality. I know that's it's hard to believe but they haven't killed me............yet!

Baby Girl's New Hair

2007-10-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

So far, this is the only picture I've been able to get of Baby Girl's new hair cut. I took this one while she was putting in her contacts. She wasn't happy and it seems that her new hair has made her delusional. She now believes that she should have an opinion and be able to express it at anytime. She also thinks that her Daddy and I should LISTEN to her opinion and make our decisions based on HER opinion. LOL - kids are so silly

Hair Follow Up

2007-10-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

So, after everyone’s wonderful advice my hair is once again a “normal” color. I wish I’d seen Slim’s comment earlier. I know of all people, HE would know what I needed to do. Most of you said that I needed to go to a salon and have it fixed. That’s because you don’t know me very well yet. I am not of the inclination to walk into a salon, filled with professionals and give them a reason to laugh at me. So, instead, I decided to fix it myself. So, 3 boxes of color later, I have a beautiful shade of auburn. Far from blonde or my original brown but a “normal” color none the less.

My Honey has made me swear that the next time I want to “try something new” that I either go to a salon OR we can have dinner at an Indian restaurant. Either way, I’m allowed to go to the reunion……..if I can get a baby sitter. Any takers???

Yes, They Are All The Same.....Walmart War Zone

2007-10-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Being that I have recently moved to the Wonderful Land Of Corn, I am still finding myself a little confused about the way things work up here. Those of you who know me and/or have read the archives, know that I can’t STAND to go to Walmart. I find the entire experience less pleasurable than being dragged naked behind a truck over broken glass. I thought maybe once I got out of the city my view of the entire experience might change. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

In earlier posts I’ve discussed how much I detest going to Walmart. It’s not the STORE I don’t like. I LOVE the selection of merchandise, the great prices and the fact that I can buy bacon and bras under the same roof. It’s the EXPERIENCE that drives me nuts. From the time I turn into the parking lot until the time I pull out again I am in a constant state of high stress. The parking is horrible, there are never enough checkouts open and I ALWAYS get the crappy cart. I thought maybe those were all just byproducts of Memphis but it seems that is a universal trait of all Walmart stores. (I really wish they would contact me about how to improve MY experience).

Being as how I live in the middle of nowhere now I’m very excited when I can actually drive someplace and not get lost. Walmart is one of the ONLY places I know how to get to so unfortunately, out of necessity, I go there often. I would like to first point out that people up here drive like maniacs!!! There is no yielding to oncoming traffic or waving a person out in front of you that has been sitting there for 20 minutes waiting for a chance to go. Oh NO………it is like driving the gauntlet everytime you start your engine up here.

So, on my first outing to the Walmart I had mixed emotions. On one hand, I was very excited to be able to actually make it to the retail establishment WITHOUT having to call my husband for directions. I was out of the house………ALONE and I had an open mind. On the other hand, I was about to enter the one place on Earth that will ultimately drain every ounce of life force from my body. When I pulled into the parking lot (after waiting to turn left for almost 10 minutes because God forbid someone leave 3 feet of space between them and the car ahead of them while waiting for the light to change) I started to get tense.

I dodged cars going the wrong way down the lane in the parking lot and finally found a space that was (and I’m not lying because I am a counter) 178 steps from the front entrance. As I approached the store, I veered to the right as that is the door that should be the one marked ENTER……..nope. The doors are backwards up here and you enter on the left. I figured that out when some guy with 12 bags of charcoal and 3 cases of beer ran over my foot……..and never said a word.

I made it through the “lobby” area and found a cart. The cart seemed to roll fine so I thought that my day was getting better. I then realized that I had NO clue where anything in this store was so I was going to have to wander (oh darn). I had a list of things I needed, mostly baby stuff so I started wandering around looking for the baby section. I found it in the back of the store and filled my cart with everything on my list. I then proceeded to the grocery section to grab a few things when I passed the “liquor section”!! You can buy everything from beer to tequila at the Walmart!! It wasn’t on my list but I was so excited I threw in a 12 pack of Bud Select out of sheer joy. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all. WRONG!

I rounded the corner and retrieved the dairy items I had on my list and then headed up the main corridor looking for the bread aisle. That’s when IT happened. I must first add that the people in Walmart drive their carts just like their cars. The do not seem to adhere to any “rules of the road” so it’s definitely an adventure to be the “newby” trying to find your way around. I stayed in the “slow lane” but was still being run over and I got a few dirty looks from the people passing me. Anyway, I was maneuvering down the main corridor looking at the aisle signs trying to find the bread when I felt the front of my cart jerk to the left. I immediately thought I’d run into an end-cap or a display but I was wrong. I had been hit by…………..A WOMAN ON A HANDICART!!!! That’s right folks, ANOTHER handicart happening.

Now, because I am from the South, and I don’t know what’s actually wrong with this woman, I say, “Oh, I’m so sorry”. Where I’m from, that was her cue to say, “Oh no, I’m sorry” but I’m not where I come from anymore. Up here, when you run into someone that had the right of way and you were at fault you say, “Watch where you’re going” and then speed off (well, putt off as the case was here). I just stood there in shock for a second, shook my head and continued on my quest for bread.

About 3 aisles later I had located the bread and was “squishing” the loaves to find the freshest. I was standing in front of my basket and not really paying attention to anything except what I was doing when all of a sudden, my basket bumped into my side. I looked up and there SHE was again and this time she was nudging my basket forward to get it out of her way!!! At this point I really thought I was going to go to jail. I said, “I’m sorry, is my cart in your way?” and she looked at me and said, “Can’t you tell?”. That was IT!! I said, “Look lady, it’s obvious that you aren’t a mute so why didn’t you just say ‘excuse me’?” She got the most confused look on her face and said, “For what?”. I said, “You are pushing my cart with your scooter into my body and you don’t think you should say excuse me? Are you from another PLANET?” Then came the response that nearly put me on the news. “You sound like you are from the South, that explains the lack of manners”. I LOST IT!! I said, “ME? LACK OF MANNERS?? ARE YOU ON CRACK? THAT’S THE SECOND TIME YOU’VE RUN INTO ME!!” She looked shocked. I shoved my cart into her scooter and moved her back a few inches and said, “You would do well to stay away from me unless you want this to be your LAST trip to Walmart”. I threw my bread in my basket and walked away.

I proceeded to the produce section and tried to calm myself by squeezing the tomatoes (those things can be messy). While I was wiping my hands off on one of the plastic produce bags I was approached by a young woman. She said, “I saw what happened back there on the bread aisle”. I poised myself for round two and was about to tell her off when she continued with, “I think you are my new hero” then she smiled and walked away.

I felt very vindicated. I proceeded to the checkout and happily paid for my purchases. When I got home and recounted my encounter to My Honey he just rolled his eyes. He is convinced that I am going to wind up on the front page of the paper with the headline “CRAZED SOUTHERN WOMAN BLOWS UP WALMART” leaving him to raise our children alone. Hmmmmmmmmm……..that just might not be a bad idea.

A Lesson In Precipitation

2007-10-03T05:31:00.001-07:00

When my brother (Z) and I were in elementary school our mother had to leave for work before we left for school. We met two of our friends (Cheese and Amp) at the top of our street and walked the half mile to our beloved Denver Elementary. Like most kids did, we had rules. Rule #1 – the boys were NOT allowed to talk to Cheese and I. Rule #2 – the boys had to walk at LEAST 3 sidewalk squares in front of us as to not alert any other kids that we KNEW them. Rule #3 – if we couldn’t see the flag when we reached the top of the hill we got to go home. Yesterday morning Baby Girl would’ve LOVED to have that last rule cause let me tell you, I’ve never seen fog like that before in my life.

I woke up yesterday morning…..late. I got Baby Girl up and moving and I went to Snow Boy out. I walked out into the backyard and was quite surprised. It would seem that a major fog had rolled in and eaten my backyard! I could only see about 5 feet in front of me so of course……..I went and got my camera.

I took a few shots (see above) and came in to tell Baby Girl to look outside. She had also never seen fog like this and spent the next 5 minutes arguing with me that it was “probably snow”. I know, living in Memphis she really has never seen a good snow storm and was convinced that this HAD to be a blizzard. Trying to convince her otherwise was futile so I just said, “You’re right Baby Girl, make sure you bundle up”. About 15 minutes later when she emerged from her room she had on her heavy coat, scarf and gloves and informed me that we hadn’t bought her snow suit yet and she was probably going to get in trouble because she’s supposed wear snow pants and boots to school on snow days. I told her I would write her teacher a note begging for forgiveness.

The drama continued until she stepped out on the porch and realized that it was 72 degrees. Do you have ANY idea how mad it makes MY child to be WRONG?!?! For a minute I really thought she was going to wear all of that garb just so she wouldn’t have to say I was right. I was still laughing when the bus pulled up. Bless her heart.

Don't Try This at Home

2007-10-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ladies, do you remember when you were in high school and you and your best friend decided to dye your hair? You know you did it, we all did and we all wound up with results that probably weren’t EXACTLY what we were hoping for. You learned from this mistake right? I thought I had………..I was wrong.

On Sunday, Baby Girl and I went and got our hair cut. She had hers cut up to her shoulders so she could donate her ponytail to Locks of Love. I had quite a bit of mine cut off so that I could actually have a hair style instead of a ponytail all the time. After we got our hair cuts we did some shopping and had a wonder mother-daughter afternoon. While we were at Target, I got wild hair up my butt and decided that I wanted to color my dark brown hair………blonde.

I’ve been a blonde before and I really liked it. I’ve colored my own hair on numerous occasions with terrific results so I was confident that this experience would be the same. I figured, new town, new style, new color……..Honey would think it was great!! So, I purchased a product called Born Blonde and headed home. Needless to say, Baby Girl was a bit skeptical but I was resolved in my mission and assured her that everything would be fine.

I got home and Honey had been cleaning house and had candles lit everywhere. I showed him the box of hair color and told him of my plans. He loved the idea and poured me a glass of wine and sent me to the bathroom to begin my transformation.

I read the directions and mixed the color appropriately. I sectioned my hair like the instructions said and began to apply the color to my hair (everywhere but the roots – per the directions). I set my timer for twenty minutes, refilled my glass and headed to the porch to relax. When my timer went off, I did a “strand check” just like the directions said. I was supposed to let the first section of hair reach the “orange stage” before I applied the mixture to my roots. So, I wiped off a section of hair with a damp paper towel……no orange. So, per the directions, I reapplied to that strand and set the timer for 5 minutes……..and refilled my glass.

I repeated the “strand check” every 5 minutes 3 more times until my hair was “sorta orange”. Because I’m not the most patient person I figured that “sorta” was close enough and I applied the color to my roots and “loosly piled it” on top of my head……….per the instructions, set my timer for 20 minutes and refilled my glass. When the timer went off, my hair was NOW in the “orange stage” so I set the timer for another 15 minutes. This time, on my way to the fridge, I had a brilliant idea. I know that the color is activated by body heat so I figured if I could trap in the body heat it would speed up the process. I grabbed the Seran Wrap, refilled my glass, and headed back to the bathroom. I emerged with my head covered in plastic wrap and had a seat on the couch. My Honey and Baby Girl just looked at me and smiled…..like you smile at someone in the burn unit……that smile that says, “oh my, your life is really going to suck”. I just smiled back….with that smile that says, “I’m half lit and don’t care what you think”.

When the timer went off, I checked my hair – still not blonde. It had now been an hour and fifteen minutes since I started this endeavor and the box says not to leave it on for longer than and hour and thirty minutes so, I did the math……..and set the timer for another 20 minutes………and refilled my glass. This time when the timer went off, I made the announcement that it HAD to be done by now and I went to get in the shower. I washed my hair and applied the conditioner………..like the directions said. I got out of the shower, wrapped my head in a towel (without looking in the mirror) and went to the bedroom to get dressed. I walked through the living room and announced to Honey that “his new wife would be out in a moment”. I returned to the bathroom, retrieved my hairdryer from under the sink and removed the towel from my head. I almost FAINTED!!!

My hair was about 5 shades of ORANGE with WHITE roots!!! I screamed – which summoned My Honey and Baby Girl. Honey said, “maybe it will be better once it’s dry” and smiled sympathetically. Baby Girl said, “I TOLD you not to do it”. I can always count on her for her compassion. I told them to both get out of the bathroom and I proceeded to blow my hair dry. Not only was it ORANGE but it was SPECKLED. There were spots of brown still in it where I’d obviously not completely covered the hair with the mixture. The roots were so white that I looked albino and the ends were a light orangy-brown color AND it was D-R-Y!!! I was mortified!! So, I refilled my glass and went back into the living room and sat down. It was obvious that Honey had been giving Baby Girl some lessons on manners because she looked at me and said, “It’s not so bad Mama. It’s REALLY shiny!” I said, “Baby Girl, brassy isn’t shiny.” To which she replied, “I mean it’s really BRIGHT.” Yeah, bright like a friggin orange traffic cone!!!

Honey just put his arm around me and said, “I like it”. He has a way of knowing when to lie to me if it means it improves his chances for intimacy later. I said, “You are such a liar but thank you anyway.” He said he would go to Walmart for me and get another color right then but I told him it could wait until morning. We put the kids to bed and went to bed ourselves. Unfortunately for him, his lying didn’t improve his chances that night because I was asleep in approximately 5 minutes thanks to my friend Sunset Blush.

Yesterday, Honey brought me another hair color. I told him not to get a lightening kit but a permanent color in the hopes that I could blend everything together and maybe get an actual blonde color. I told him to get Medium Ash Blonde….he got Lightest Platinum Blonde…….not exactly the same but I was desperate. Honey’s 10 year reunion is this weekend and I don’t think I’m going to be allowed to go…….unless they change it to a costume party (I could be the Great Pumpkin). I applied the color, set the timer and hoped for the best (you notice no wine this time). After the appropriate length of time I washed my hair and conditioned it. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised. The spots were gone and my hair was now a beautiful shade of………light……..cooked carrots. That’s right – still orange, but now one consistent shade of orange.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve got three days to figure it out. I think I may just color it back to brown but I’m afraid all of my hair will fall out……..or turn GREEN. Any advice would be appreciated but be kind………it should be obvious that I am not of sound mind.

Bingo...........Bull$*@!

2007-10-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

OK – so I’ve talked about moving to Oakley, IL and I’ve explained that it is a VERY small town but I don’t think even I realized how small until last Friday. Last Friday was Cerro Gordo (the town/school that Baby Girl attends) Homecoming. If you’ve seen the show Friday Night Lights you will understand what it’s like.

The entire town shuts down and everything is painted Blue and Orange in support of our beloved Broncos. They dismiss school early and everyone gathers to watch the Homecoming Parade where every kid that plays on any team or in any band rides on floats and throws candy. The parade is led by the TWO Cerro Gordo squad cars and the rear is brought up by the entire Cerro Gordo Emergency crew that consists of ONE ambulance, ONE fire truck and ONE rescue truck. In between all of those flashing lights and sirens are homemade floats depicting various ways the Broncos are going to crush their opponents at that night’s game. There was an antique car carrying the only living member of the Cerro Gordo class of 1932 and a flatbed truck that carried all 7 members of the Red Hat Society. There were kids on bikes chanting “Go Broncos”, convertibles carrying last year’s Homecoming King and Queen, this year’s King and Queen, Little Mr. and Miss Piatt County, Little Mr. and Miss Cerro Gordo, Little Mr. and Miss Bronco, Little Mr. and Miss Tuesday Afternoon……….and probably a few more that I missed.

Honey was at work so MaMaw picked me and the girls up so that we wouldn’t miss the pre-game festivities. Riding with her the 4 minutes it takes to get to Cerro Gordo from my house was the scariest thing I’ve ever done! She spent most of her time looking in the backseat talking to Bug while I held my breath and prayed that we would make it in one piece. We arrived at the school (alive) and I put Bean in her stroller and we made our way to a “good spot” where we could see all of the action. I located Baby Girl and we all watched the parade, waved like fools, clapped and cheered for every athlete and beauty queen that drove by and the girls chased candy until they filled a HUGE bag with Tootsie Rolls, suckers and gum. After the entire precession had passed us we all relocated to the END of the route so that we could watch it all over again as they returned to the school………..again waving and clapping like we hadn’t seen any of this 5 minutes ago. We loaded up and MaMaw drove us back home where I promptly cracked open an ice cold beverage to calm my nerves.

Although the parade was really fun it was NOT the highlight of the day, nor was the football game that night (although the Broncos got DEMOLISHED). No, the highlight of the day was Willy Bingo!!! What is Willy Bingo you might ask……….as I did. Well my friends, Willy Bingo is an event that they have in Cerro Gordo to raise money for the after prom party…….a very good cause. In order to have a regulation Willy Bingo game you have to fence in a section of field and paint a grid in the enclosure consisting of 300 equally sized squares. Each square is assigned a number and people can purchase a square for $10. Once all of the squares have been sold the game begins. A kindly old man unloads a calf off of a trailer and releases him into the enclosure. The calf wanders around aimlessly for a few minutes and then he takes a dump. The square in which this precious treasure lands is the “winner” and the owner of that square gets $1000!!! That’s right folks, for 10 bucks you can take a gamble on a big pile of cow crap and possibly multiply your investment by 10!!

In my life I’ve participated in TONS of fundraisers. I’ve bought and sold everything from wrapping paper to frozen pork roasts but I have NEVER heard of selling a chance on cow patties! However, for a school to be able to raise $3000 in less than 10 minutes………that’s pretty impressive. So, the next time that you are at a PTA meeting or a parents meeting with your child’s athletic team and they want ideas on how to raise money raise your hand and suggest Willy Bingo. I’m sure that when you explain it SOMEBODY will say, “that’s bull$*@!”, and you can say, “EXACTLY!”

I've Been Inspired..........Watch Out Erma Bombeck

2007-09-28T06:54:00.001-07:00

OK – I have officially been inspired. Last week my Mother told me about an article in the paper in Memphis about this woman that was getting a LOT of attention about her blog (http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com) where she tells stories about her FAMILY!! Hello…..isn’t that what I’ve been doing on a not quite so consistent basis for the last three years?!?! I mean, just because I only manage to post once or twice every three or four months doesn’t mean that I don’t have the same goals right? I mean, who’s to say that just because she is consistent and manages to post EVERY day while wrangling SIX kids and a husband that she’s better than me? Right? Hello?? Yeah, that’s what I thought too so I’ve made a resolution………..again.

From now on, I am going to blog EVERY day……….even if I don’t have anything to say (like THAT would ever happen). I am making a pledge to be consistent and “stay the course” until I get some attention. I want a book deal!! I want to be able to dedicate my time to being a wife, mother and an International Literary Superstar. I feel that this is a good goal and totally obtainable………..right?? So, here goes. I promise to remember the “little people” when I am so incredibly famous that Oprah will have to talk to “my people” before she can have my literary works of genius added to her book club (just kidding Oprah………I would LOVE for you to read my book……….and have your people call my people and whatever else incredibly famous people like us do).

So, spread the word to everyone you know. If they want to be able to say, “I read her when she was just a blogger in a corn field” they’d better start reading now. Lord only knows how much longer I will be able to be hosted here before I’m asked to move due to inadequate bandwith to handle all of my traffic.

HA!! Sometimes I even amuse myself.

Septic Saga.........Part 3

2007-09-14T10:38:00.001-07:00

I am learning all kinds of new stuff living up here in the fields. One of those things is when PaPaw says “soon” he means SOON. At approximately 7:30am the very next morning we were introduced to Deano……Saint of Septic Systems.

Deano arrived with PaPaw, both toting their coffee cups and wandered around the yard for about 20 minutes. He threw out some numbers……….several times and not once were they the same…..and they agreed on a price of somewhere around $4500 to install a new tank, new pipe and new laterals (those are the “pipes” that drain the excess “fluids” out of the tank and into the “leach field”…….I looked it up). He informed us that he would be able to get it done that afternoon and left to go get his equipment. I was a little bit concerned but I’m a city girl – what do I know?

Deano showed back up to begin the installation of our new septic system at 3:30pm!! He brought two guys, his backhoe, a tiller and a flatbed truck which held 240 ft. of laterals, a bunch of PVC pipe and my beautiful new 1000 gallon septic tank. His first order of business was to FIND the pipe that led from the house to the old tank. He did this by digging in the area where he “felt it should be”. After about 15 minutes, he’d dug a trench next to my patio that was about 8 ft. long and 4 ft. deep. He did not find the old pipe but he DID managed to find the water line……….which he broke. You see, there’s no “call before you dig” number out here…….in Oakley you use the “feel like” method which is Northern for “GUESS”

So, while Honey went to shut off the water, Deano “studied” the ground for a while and then made the announcement that he “felt like” he needed to move back a little farther as to be in line with the junction that was in the yard (DUUHHH). After a few more minutes, he found the pipe and his two “helpers” started busting it up with sledge hammers. They then installed the new pipe that would lead to our new....um…tank. All the while Deano just kept on digging. Snaking this long trench around our beautiful yard and throwing mounds of dirt all over the place. I was so engrossed in the destruction of my beautiful yard I almost forgot to grab my camera to take pictures – that’s right, I a city girl and a new septic tank isn’t something you see everyday.

When I came out with the camera, Honey had the most mortified look on his face. He said, “PLEASE tell me you aren’t going to take pictures of the septic tank”. I was shocked. OF COURSE I was going to take pictures. I plan to have at LEAST two pages in my scrapbook dedicated to our Septic Saga. So, much to his horror, I started snapping pictures (you will see them below). The “men” just laughed at me and made comments about me being from Tennessee like that was something that made ME odd. At least in Tennessee when I flushed it didn’t wind up in some mysterious hole in my backyard!!

Anyway, after about 4 hours the entire job was complete. I had the honor of being the official “tester” and everything worked wonderfully. While I was testing, the “helper” was filling in the lateral trenches and tilling over the mounds of dirt in order to flatten them out some. He did a great job and the girls were already digging in the soft dirt and looking for “treasure” i.e. broken glass, pieces of pipe, tree roots and rocks. I came outside just in time to see Deano loading up the tiller on his truck........without tilling up the MOUNDS of dirt that were directly outside my back door. I asked PaPaw, “isn’t he going to till up this stuff too?” pointing at the mounds that had tree roots and pieces of broken clay pipe jutting out of the top like some kind of Vietnamese booby trap. He said, “Well, I would’ve thought he would but he must have a good reason not to”. Being that I am not yet of the mindset that as a woman I should just stay in the house and bake pies, I decided that good ole Deano was going to have to explain his “good reason” to ME and off I went (with a baby on my hip – cause I’m a redneck woman) to ASK Deano nicely why he was leaving a deathtrap in my backyard.

As I walked away, PaPaw informed My Honey that if Deano didn’t think it needed to be tilled down it wasn’t going to get done. My Honey informed PaPaw that if I wanted it to be tilled down he could bet his last dollar that it was going to get done. About 2 minutes later, the “helper” was driving that tiller back up to my house and PaPaw just shook his head. He told My Honey, “I can’t believe they gave into her” to which My Honey replied, “I had NO doubt”.

So, after another few minutes, the ENTIRE job was complete and Deano loaded up his truck and left with the promise of coming back in a week to till everything again and put down seed. That was 3 weeks ago and we have yet to see him. My Honey says that he probably won’t come back for fear I will be at home. It looks like I’m not the only one that has to “get used to” a new way of life. Some of the “men folk” up here have NO idea what to think of me but as long as I say what I have to say in my best Southern accent………..they tend to “feel like” doing what I ask.

There she is......isn't she beautiful

2007-09-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

The "Men Folk" inspecting in the trenches......"Yep, that's a trench. What do you think Joe Bob?"

2007-09-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

And in the hole she goes

2007-09-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

Tilling over the lateral trenches - see how smooth

2007-09-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Death Trap - Note the sticks in the foreground

2007-09-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm......dirt

2007-08-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

First Female Center for The U

2007-08-29T15:28:00.001-07:00

Moon "rising" over the corn field - taken from our front yard

2007-08-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Awwww....

2007-08-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

View from edge of backyard towards the timber and fields

2007-08-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

Baby Girl and her Daddy on the patio - check out the view behind them

2007-08-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Septic Saga..........Part 2

2007-08-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, as much as I hate to say it, Joel did not manage to fix our problem. You know me, I hate to bash my new best friend but if the shoe fits…………don’t flush it.

About two weeks after Joel “snaked the pipes” we started having trouble. It wasn’t as bad this time, no sewage backing up into the tub, but problems none the less. This time the problem seemed to be drainage. For example, if someone took a shower, you couldn’t flush the toilet for at least 30 minutes afterwards in order to let the water drain COMPLETELY out of the pipes. If you did dishes, the time was about 20 minutes until you could flush. So, we had to learn the “combination” to our pipes.

Now, for Honey and I this wasn’t such a big deal but trying to explain to the very children that we’d fussed out 1,000 times to FLUSH THE POTTY…..well that’s a different story. So, everytime that Bug would flush while I was doing dishes, she would panic because the toilet was “freaking out”. Everytime Baby Girl would “forget” and flush before the allotted time, she would try to plunge the toilet and then I would have water all over the floor. My Honey insisted that it was just “an old house and they’ve got to learn”. I insisted that, “I am NOT going to tell the kids NOT to flush and have them leaving presents in other people’s bathrooms”. So, we agreed that it was time to call the plumber back and take advantage of our 30 day warranty.

I called the plumbing company that (Saturday) and they said that they could send someone on Sunday when the “jet truck was available”. I agreed that visit from my friend Joel after church would be lovely and hung up. I told My Honey of the plan and we did a little dance of joy right there in the kitchen.

After church on Sunday, we raced home and waited anxiously on the front porch for the plumbing truck to arrive. My Honey had to leave to take the Bug home so I had to wait alone. I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw that big Mike Williams Plumbing Mecca on wheels pull into the driveway. However, Joel was not the driver, this time, they’d sent Travis (I suppose he was the “Big Gun”) to check out our pipes. Travis walked around the yard, checked the “junction” (because our house and Mam’s house are on the SAME TANK) and decided that he needed to “snake it from the junction”. I shook my head in agreement (I am quickly becoming an expert on this subject) and told him he could pull his truck up in the yard.

After he completed snaking out the pipe (again) he inspected the septic tank and informed us that it was completely shot and that the “laterals” were clogged (whatever the Hell those are). I again shook my head in agreement and made a mental note to look up “laterals” online once he left. By this time, PaPaw had arrived to supervise the snaking of the pipes under the guise of mowing the yard. After he finished mowing, he talked to Honey about the septic issue and he informed Honey that his neighbor was a “septic guy” and he would have him come out and look at it soon. I figured that meant in a week or so…………….WRONG.

To Be Continued…………..

Septic Saga............Part 1

2007-08-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

So, we were here for about three days before we had our first really BIG entertainment! My Honey got up the first Saturday morning that we were here and went to the bathroom for his “morning constitution”. After about 30 minutes I hear him grumbling about the toilet not working right. I go to investigate and find him standing our TINY bathroom with a plunger and a very discouraged look on his face.

He informs me that he has been plunging the toilet but everything is backing up into the tub. Now, keep in mind that this little house is about 100 years old so the pipes are probably not accustomed to modern things like toilet paper. Anyway, my wonderful husband is standing in the bathroom, looking bewildered and surrounded by some not-so-pleasant water and that’s when MaMaw walks in. She evaluates the situation and calls PaPaw. PaPaw drives right over to check out the situation and informs My Honey that he is going to call the plumber. I think, “Cool, we’ll be back in business in a jiffy”. Yeah, right.

Obviously in the small town of Oakley there is only one plumber and Saturdays are his busiest days. About 6 hours later (I made 3 trips around the corner to MaMaws house to pee and Baby Girl broke down once and went behind the barn) my new best friend Joel arrived to check out our pipes. He informs my husband and PaPaw that the “septic tank needs to be emptied”. I overheard this and immediately thought to myself, “Holy cow, the shitter’s full!”. Now, I’m not retarded and I have actually heard of a septic tank before but I didn’t know they had to be emptied (I thought that stuff was bio-degradable) and I’ve sure never been the person who had to worry about such a thing. Joel informs the “men” that he was going to call out his “buddies” and they would come “suck out the tank and jet the pipes”. I was concerned. I mean if a “morning constitution” could reek this much havoc on our poor plumbing, what the Hell was running a jet through them going to do? But, the “men” all shook their heads in agreement as they stood around the yard starring at a hole in the ground so who was I to argue?

Joel got on the phone and called out his “buddies”. He, PaPaw and My Honey then proceeded to sit out in the lawn chairs under a tree and flap their gums for the next 2 hours while they waited on the “septic crew” to arrive. Meanwhile, I was in the house (like a good wife) unpacking boxes and chasing kids. I looked out the window just in time to see the “truck” arrive. It pulled around into the yard near the hole that the “men” had been starring at all morning and two guys jumped out and began starring at the hole. So, now I’ve got Joel, My Honey, PaPaw, Septic Guy 1 and Septic Guy 2 all standing around starring at a hole in the ground discussing what needs to be done. Meanwhile, I’ve GOT TO PEEEEE!!!!

Septic Guy 1 starts unwinding this huge hose from the back of the truck and jamming it into the hole. Septic Guy 2 fires up the pump and thus began the “sucking out of the tank”. Periodically My Honey would come in the house to “check the pipes” which entailed flushing the toilet and starring into the bathtub. On one trip in I stopped him to ask if he could carry out some of the empty boxes to which he replied, “I’ve got to get back out there”. I said, “For what?” and he said, “I’ve got to know what’s going on.” I looked him dead in the eye and said, “They are sucking shit out of a hole in our yard, what ELSE do you need to know!?!?” He gave me this confused look as if to say, “but all of the other boys are starring at the hole” grabbed the boxes and took off back outside.

After the tank was empty, they decided they needed to “jet the pipes”. After about an hour of “jetting” they realized that it wasn’t working and brought in the “big snake”. Joel drug in this VERY large piece of equipment that had what appeared to be teeth on the end. He jerked out toilet out of the floor, sat it in our tub, plugged in the viper snake, ran it down the pipe in the floor and flipped that sucker on. It was LOUD!!! After about 10 minutes, he retracted the snake and it had what appeared to be a dead cat on the end of it. He informed me that those were “tree ruts (not roots, ruts) that had been clogging up the pipes.

He bagged up the “dead cat”, reinstalled our toilet, rolled out his viper snake and off he went. On his way out he told My Honey that “in about a week they would come stick a camera down our toilet to make sure that they’d gotten all the ruts”.

I shook Joel’s hand, gave My Honey a high-five and excused myself cause I still had to pee. I flushed 5 times just to test Joel’s work………….he’s pretty good.

Holy Crap...........I'm Back!!!!

2007-08-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it took FOREVER, but I finally managed to get back into this site. Thank God because quite frankly, I HATE MySpace.

Lots has happened since my last post. We've moved to ILLINOIS!!! And I'm not talking Chicago. No way, we are in Oakley, IL and for those of you who've never heard of it.......it's right outside of the corn fields and West of the bean fields. Being that I've never lived anywhere but Memphis, this is going to be an adventure.

I'm so glad I'm back online here so that I can share it all with everyone. So, being as how there is very little to do here, you can almost guarentee a daily post out of me so make sure you bookmark me again!!!

Coming today...........Septic Saga........the fun has begun!!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2007-01-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

My brother has recently (like in the last 12 hours) become a HUGE fan of MySpace. He thinks I should move my blog there. What do you guys think?

2006-12-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

Don't you all just KNOW this is going to be the Bean one day!!

Black Friday and Parking Lot Monitors

2006-11-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me are aware that Black Friday is my FAVORITE day of the year. I am addicted to it!! Every year I make my list from the ads, map out my route, plan my strategy, scout out the stores for product location and am up and out of the house by 4am without fail. I do it because I get an incredible high from being able to check off the items on my list. Plus, there is always a possibility that I will get to knock somebody over to get the last Farting Big Bird (or whatever the “big seller” is that year). From 4am to noon those who know me well will not even call me as not to disturb me while I am getting my “fix”. This year was no exception however, this year, I learned something new………..

We have a new baby this year so I was concerned that my poor Honey would be overwhelmed by having Bean, Bug and Baby Girl all in his face at 7am without me there to run interference. I decided that I was going to do a little of my BF (Black Friday) shopping online as most of the items I wanted were advertised as being available online. That would’ve been true if they had thought to increase their bandwidth and/or server space for this occasion and been able to keep their websites up.

I got out of bed at 4:15 (my first sale didn’t start until 5am) and put on a pot of coffee. I got dressed and booted up my computer. I got on Walmart’s site and started loading up my cart so I would be ready for checkout at the 5am sale start time. At 4:55, the site crashed!! I was livid!! I put on my shoes, grabbed my coffee, driver’s license, check card, cigs and phone (true BFer’s do NOT carry a purse on BF) and hopped in my car. “Screw Walmart” I thought, I was headed to Toys R Us.

I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us at exactly 5:06, found a decent parking spot, grabbed my list and my sale ad and ran into the store. There are no baskets but that’s ok, I am only there to get 5 things (a scooter for Bug - $20, 2 Bratz dolls for friends’ kids - $10, 2 DS Lite games for Baby Girl – BOGO) most of them are small so I didn’t need a cart. Plus, I can maneuver better through the crowd if I don’t have a cart. I immediately find the Bratz dolls right inside the door; I grab my two and head to the back for the scooter. I find the scooter with no problem but it’s a little heavier than I anticipated and the box has no handle. I’m still ok though because all I have left is the video games and I am outta there. That’s when my phone rang. I sit my stuff down and dig through my jacket pocket to find my phone. I know it must be an emergency because everyone that KNOWS me would only call if there was an emergency at 5AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!

It was Diamond. “Girl, are you out shopping?” Now this woman has been married to my brother for 7 years – she KNOWS I’m shopping!!! I said, “Yep! I’m at Toys R Us. Whatcha need?” She says, “Oh, nothing, just wanted to see where you were. What are you getting there?” I ran down my list of items (some of which are sitting on the floor so that I can talk on the phone at a COMPLETE STAND STILL). She says, “Look and see if they have the Lizzie McGuire game for GBA for Diva”. I agree and we get off the phone. I continue my journey through 32,174 other idiots that are shopping before dawn in search of video games. I find a medical set that Bug will love for $4 and I grab it. My arms are getting really tired and just as I’m about to head to the front to beg for a cart I spot an empty one “abandoned” in the aisle. I chunk all my stuff in it and begin to maneuver towards electronics to find the games I’m there to get. My phone rings again. Again, I dig through my pockets concerned that someone may have died being as how it is only 5:15AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!

It was Diamond again, “Girl, where are you now?” I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m still at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing, me and Mama are at Khol’s and they don’t have anything I came for………chit chat chit chat” I said, “Well, I’m trying to maneuver my cart through a sea of sleepy people so let me get off the phone.” She says, “Ok. Did you find that game for Diva?” “Not yet, I’m trying to work my way over there now.” Meanwhile, I’m trying desperately to not run into or over anyone with my cart and I’m getting dirty looks from people that seem to say “Get off the dang phone and pay attention to where you’re going”. I said, “Diamond, I really need to get off here before I cause bodily harm to someone.” “Ok girl, I’ll talk to you………..Oh did I tell you that your brother wants a guitar for Christmas? He doesn’t even really know how to play guitar and now he wants a $300 guitar for Christmas!! I told him that I thought it was stupid but if that………(I stopped listening because I managed to ram my cart into a display of Barbies thus drawing even more dirty looks and a few ugly comments). I told her I HAD to go and I would call her back when I left Toys R Us and hung up the phone.

I managed to finally make my way to electronics and started looking for the games. Of course, the ones I came for were all gone but I did manage to find the Lizzie McGuire game and it works for the DS as well so I grabbed two of them - $8 each – and threw them in my cart. I noticed a DS carrying case that I just had to have and put it in my cart - $20. On my way out of electronics I decided to look at the bikes for Baby Girl so I muddled my way all the way to the back of the store (about 15 minutes to get there). While looking at the bikes, I saw something for Z and put it in my cart (I will not say what or how much because he reads this blog). I didn’t like any of the bikes so I decided I was finished and went to get in line. That’s when I got the shock. The END of the line was in the back of the store by the bikes and wrapped around the entire perimeter of the store to the front (about 400 people in front of me). I arrived at the end of the line at 5:45am and positioned my cart behind a young man that had his cart filled with a Dora Kitchen and various other “little girl” things. We were in the middle of “boy toys” and I noticed a sale on toys from the Cars Movie – I grabbed a “Mater” (that’s the tow truck as Baby Girl so graciously informed me later after I referred to it as a dump truck – I haven’t seen the movie) for Cranky - $20 and threw it in my cart.

My phone rang again………guess who……….that’s right, Diamond. It is now 5:50 and I had not talked to her in over 30 minutes – the horror!! “Hey girl, where are you now?” “I’m standing in line at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what was going on. How are the lines there?” I said, “I’m standing behind approximately 400 other idiots in the back of the store near the bikes if that tells you anything.” “Oh my! Well Mama and are still at Khol’s, she’s standing in line holding our place and I’m shopping. I still can’t find anything that I want…..hang on a second” That’s right – she PUT ME ON HOLD! So for the next two minutes I sat there on hold because I am RETARDED!! While I waited for Diamond to come back, the young man in front of me’s wife walked up with two armloads of stuff, dumped it in their basket, turned and disappeared back into the crowd. I kinda of giggled and said, “Looks like you are having a good time”. He explained that his job is to stand in line with the basket and pay for the stuff at the register. He seemed very pleased with himself until I asked, “Where are y’all going after this?” He got the most bewildered look on his face and said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If your wife has you out on Black Friday at 5AM you can be assured this in not the ONLY store you will be standing in line at today”.

About then Diamond got back on the phone and said, “So where are you now?” I almost screamed, “STANDING IN LINE AT TOYS R US!!” To which she replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re leaving Khol’s and heading to Linens-N-Things”. I told her to have fun and got off the phone. The poor guy in front of me says, “Are you being serious about going to other places?” I felt so sorry for him. I just kind of nodded and said, “Sorry”. About 15 minutes later we had moved about 3 steps and his wife showed up with another load of stuff to dump in their basket. This time he said, “Honey, are we going anywhere after we leave here?” in a “please say it isn’t so” voice. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Just to Walmart. I’ll be right back” and she dashed back into the crowd before he could say a word. The look on his face was priceless and I almost wet my pants laughing.

We wound around by the sports equipment and we started to see the “abandoned items pile” of things that people either talked themselves out of or just got tired of waiting and dumped on top of whatever display was close before heading out the door. I found the Miracle on 34th Street DVD and put it in my cart - $15. I got into an interesting conversation with the lady behind me and we decided that they should be handing out biscuits and coffee at the door to make our shopping experience more enjoyable. I rescued a Dora doll whose hair “grows” from the abandoned items pile and put it in my cart - $34. Another 15 minutes passed and we moved another 4 feet. My phone rang again………..guess who………..that’s right!

“Girl, Mom and I are at Linens-N-Things and they don’t have anything I came for. Where are you now?” “STILL standing in line at Toys R Us – Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing. Did I tell you about what Sparky did yesterday?” She then went on for 10 minutes about what all the boys had been doing to drive her nuts (she has 3 under the age of 3………because she is NUTS!!!) I listened for a little while and finally said, “Let me get off the phone so I can pay attention to what I’m doing (standing still takes LOTS of concentration at 6AM). I put my phone back in my pocket, spot some light up spiny thing sitting by itself on an empty shelf so I threw it in my cart (didn’t want it to be lonely) - $5.

At 6:20AM I make it to the front of the line……….where I am directed to a register line!! I wait another 10 minutes and it is finally my turn to check out. I bid farewell to all of my new found friends, pay for the $20 scooter I came for that has somehow now increased to $168, grab my bags and head to the car. The sun is now up and the vultures are swarming the parking lot looking for empty spaces. I take my bags to the car and decide to walk over to Old Navy. I open the front door to grab a smoke for the walk, shut the door and begin to walk away and that’s when I heard it………..

This very shrill, country voice screams, “YOU CAN”T DO THAT!!!” I got excited because I thought I was going to get to see my first fight of the day. I turned around quickly to see what violation had been committed when I realized she was looking (and pointing) at ME. I said, “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” To which she shrieked, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” I said, “Can’t do what?” “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR BAGS IN YOUR CAR AND THEN GO TO ANOTHER STORE!!!!” I was shocked. I was unaware of this new parking lot ordinance and began to look around for the required signage that would indicate this to be true. Again she yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!” Now, keep in mind, I have been up since around 4AM, I have now spent the last hour and a half standing in line and I completely forgot to take my medication this morning which is NOT good news for her. I said, “I don’t know who appointed you the keeper of the parking lot rule book but until I sit my fat @$$ in that drivers seat, crank that bad boy up and back it out, it will sit right there! And if you keep screaming at me like a lunatic I will sit my fat @$$ in the drivers seat, put it in reverse and sit with my foot on the break while I smoke and THEN get out and walk to Old Navy so why don’t you KISS MY @$$!!!!” and I walked away.

I called Honey to inform him that he might have to come get me as there was a strong possibility that all of my tires were going to be flat when I got back from Old Navy. He was quite amused and agreed with me that if a Parking Lot Monitor had been appointed someone should’ve posted a sign and given her some sort of picture ID that would identify her as such.

I shopped at Old Navy for a minute, spent $186 but got a lot of gifts out of the way. I then went to the mall (because I am a drooling idiot) and drove around for about 20 minutes until I found a parking spot. I wandered in the mall for about an hour and managed to get everything I came for. As I slowly headed to my car that was parked at the VERY LAST spot behind Sears I observed this little old man putting bags in his car. I smiled at him as I passed and then I watched him lock his car and head back into the mall. Standing there in the mall parking lot, alone, with my arms loaded down with bags I burst into hysterical laughter. To the point that I almost had to sit down. The little man turned around and said, “Honey, are you alright?” I caught my breath and through my tears said, “You can’t do that”. That poor man looked at me like I was holding a crack pipe and just turned and walked off………..which made me laugh even harder!

I finally got to my car and drove home with all of my great deals feeling satisfied that I had once again beat the retail demon! I relayed my days events to Honey who had met me at the door with my meds (because he KNOWS what it means if I don’t take them) and we both had a few good laughs and started getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the attic.

So, if you are ever brave enough to get out on BF and shop be careful. If you see a middle aged white woman wearing an orange bonnet in a silver Ford Taurus roaming around the parking lot she is not looking for a space. SHE is the parking lot monitor and will call attention to any infraction you commit. I later found out that you can also not sit and wait on a parking spot for longer than 7 seconds without the person behind you honking. You cannot drop off your elderly mother at the door at Target without someone behind you honking and you can never, under any circumstances, stand near your vehicle after loading your bags and carry on a conversation with someone you ran into in Walgreens without having someone yell at you. So, be careful as I’m sure these are just a few of the parking lot rules. I’m going to get online and see if I can find a copy of the actual printed manual and will post it. Until then, watch your step because the monitors are out there and nobody is above reproach.

They Really Like Me!

2006-11-29T09:53:00.000-08:00

My little blog here has been awarded a Best Blog in Tennessee award by Tennessee Bloggers (link in heading) . So I guess they like me. They really, really like me!

Beans, Bugs and Bad Behavior

2006-11-20T13:43:00.000-08:00

Today was Bean’s two month checkup. She weighs 11 pounds and 15 ounces!!! I told you she was getting fat. Anyway, she is 22 ½ inches long and the doctor says she is doing GREAT!! She was so good, she was wide awake, laughing and “talking” to everyone…….until they stuck her in the leg.

We loaded up Bean and Bug this morning and headed to the doctor for our 9:30am appointment. When we arrived at the doctor, at 9:45am, Bug immediately “NEEDED a drink” because they have a water fountain in the lobby. So, I helped her get a drink and that’s when she noticed that there is also a bathroom in the lobby so of course – she has to pee. I took her in the bathroom and she sat on the potty explaining to me about the sink and how she needed to wash her hands and that the nurse was going to open the door and say our name and we were going to stand on the scale and, and, and……. (I just LOVE this age). We sat there for 5 minutes and I finally said, “Do you really need to potty or was that just a story so you could check out the bathroom?” She says, “It was just a lie”. Gotta love that three year old honesty! So, we got off the potty, washed our hands, dried them with 42 paper towels and headed back to the lobby to sit with Honey and Bean until we are called back. We stopped to get another drink from the water fountain and all seemed well…….. for the moment.

We waited about another 10 minutes and were called back to our room. As soon as the nurse opened the door, Bug took off down the hall and hopped on the scale. I tried to explain to her that we were there for Bean’s checkup but she informed me, with her finger pointed, that, “You HAVE to get on the scale at the Doctor Man’s house”. She was not budging until I weighed her (she’s 33 pounds by the way). That seemed to satisfy her and all seemed well……. for the moment.

We went into our assigned room and the nursed closed the door. Bug immediately started to drag the step stool out from under the exam table and slide it over to the sink because she “NEEDS to wash her hands”. Being that she hadn’t touched anything since she washed her hands 10 minutes ago I told her that she didn’t need to and to put the stool back. This did not bode well with the Bug as the lip immediately shot out and she started to cry saying, “But I love my Daddy”. Now, I’m not sure why she thought that my denial of her playing in the sink in the exam room would somehow indicate to her father that she no longer loved him but it would seem that is how she interpreted it. She wrapped herself around his leg and cried and he picked her up (because he likes it to be quite….and he’s a sucker) loved on her and told her that he loved her. The tears immediately stopped and she got down, went to the exam table and began to drag the stool back over to the sink!! I decided that I didn’t want to listen to the next fit so I let her wash her hands. She dried them with 9 paper towels, asked what everything was on the counter, argued with us when we told her what the objects were and then returned the stool to its place. She was satisfied and all seemed well……. for the moment.

The nurse came in and measured Bean. Bug told her all about how Bean was her baby sister and how she was a big helper and, and, and……. The nurse left and we waited for the doctor to come in. Bug now decided that she needed to be on the exam table too so she climbed up the stool and laid down so that she could talk (in a VERY high pitched tone) to Bean. That lasted for about a minute and then she got down. Then she got back up on the table. Then she got back down. We did this 3 times before I said, “Please stop climbing up and down, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself.” To which she responded by sticking out her lip and crying, “But I love my daddy”. Again, her father is obviously such an idiot that he believes her love for him is directly related to ME telling her “no” therefore, she MUST make sure to voice her love for him every time I correct her. She crawled up in his lap and hugged him as tight as she could and shot me a look that said, “Whatcha gonna do now heifer?” I just rolled my eyes because she was finished pitching her fit and all seemed well……. for the moment.

The doctor came in and examined Bean. Bug stood right up his butt informing him that Bean was HER baby sister and she was a big helper and she can hold her and she can put the Nuk in her mouth, and, and, and…….. The doctor said that everything was cool with Bean, explained about the shots she was going to get and left the room. Bug reached under the exam table and started to drag the stool over to the sink. I told her to put the stool back. She started to climb back up on the table and I told her to get down. She started trying to pull things off the wall and I told her to stop. All of this with no fit so I thought maybe things were getting better………for the moment.

The nurse came back in to administer FOUR shots into my poor baby girl’s legs. I held her hands and talked to her and she smiled at me and laughed and then………the first stick. She screamed bloody murder. The nurse was great and got all 4 shots done lightening fast. I loved on my baby girl and got her dressed and as I reached for a tissue to dry MY tears Honey reached out to pick up the Bean and feed her. I slapped his hand and asked, “WHAT do you think you’re doing?” “Uh, I was going to feed her” he replied. “I don’t THINK so.” I said. I’ll be danged if he thinks I’m going to be the one that holds her down and allows strangers to ram needles into her legs and then HE is going to swoop in and be the hero!! So, I took the bottle, cradled my baby and began to feed her. Honey gathered up all of our stuff and we headed to the lobby so I could finish feeding her before we loaded up in the car. She had calmed down and was happily drinking her bottle and all seemed well………for the moment.

During our exchange about how I was not going to allow Honey to be the good guy, Bug had managed to drag that dang stool over to the sink and was now whining because she had soap on her hands and couldn’t turn on the water. Honey chastised her for going back to wash her hands for the 3rd time in less than an hour (I’m convinced she has OCD) but he turned on the water and helped her rinse off. As she dried her hands on 14 paper towels I informed her that she was LUCKY that Daddy was dealing with her because I would’ve popped her butt because she had been told SEVERAL times not to play around in that sink. Out came the lip but before she could speak I said, “I know, you LOVE your daddy. That’s great – now put on your coat.” She put on her coat and we headed to the lobby. I sat down to finish feeding Bean and Bug informed Honey that she needed a drink but that she could do it all by herself. So, because he is a doting father (and a sucker that will just never learn” he let her get a drink all by herself. The next sound I hear is her crying at the top of her lungs because she had gotten water all over her shirt and somehow down on leg of her pants. Honey tried to comfort her and dry her off (with ONE paper towel) but she wasn’t having it. The next thing I see is Bug pulling her pants down (along with her panties) in the middle of the lobby (that is filled with people) because she (and please hear the whiny voice) “Don’t want to wear cold pants”. Honey told her that she had to keep her clothes on and that the (quarter sized) wet spot would dry soon. To which she replied, “But I LOVE you!” as she tried to pull her pants down again (Lord only KNOWS what the other people in the lobby were thinking). They went back and forth like that for a minute and then Honey announces that they are going to the car to watch The Incredibles, grabbed the diaper bag and Bug and headed out the door.

I finished feeding Bean, strapped her in her seat and headed to the car. We had an uneventful ride home because Bug was watching TV. We got to the house and Honey took Bug in so he could fix her lunch. I got Bean out and took her in to dose her with Tylenol and put her down for a nap (we all know how “shot day” is on a newborn). I answered a few emails and got ready to head to my office. Bug whined about not wanting to eat her lunch “because it was touching” (see – OCD). She finally announced that she was finished so Honey got her out of her chair, I kissed her and she went to her room to take a nap.

I gathered up all my stuff and kissed Honey good-bye. On the monitor we could hear two children sleeping peacefully. I smiled at Honey and wished him luck. He sat down in his chair and turned on his Playstation to try and finish the football game he’s been playing for 3 days. I told him to call if he needed anything and that I would try to come home a little early since the Bean was going to be cranky because of her shots. He smiled and said, “Don’t worry about me Baby, I got this”. I kissed him again and gave him a smile that said, “I’m sure you do” but in my head all I could hear was, “Yeah…….for the moment”.

2006-11-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

Bean is getting FAT!! Check out the chins. However, she is sleeping through the night so I don't care!

2006-11-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl in her vampiress costume. She always wants to be "something dead" for Halloween.

2006-11-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

Bug in her witch costume that NaNa bought her. She managed to put a spell on everyone she came into contact with that night.

Puberty and Punctuation

2006-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

I’ve got so much that I need to write about to get everyone caught up on the past 7 months but I’ve just GOT to share Baby Girl’s most recent “adventure” first. Let me just say that if and when she ever reads this blog she will probably already have been in therapy for quite some time so I’m not very concerned about the “damage” this post might cause. Baby Girl is becoming a WOMAN……….

So, over the Summer it became very noticeable that Baby Girl’s body was starting to develop. We’ve bought the training bra in order to make sure that her new “additions” are kept in check – she hates it and won’t wear it. I believe this is because she is holding out for the “formed cup” model. That’s right – they now have bras for little people that look like the Wonder Bra with fully formed, padded cups! And we wonder why we are constantly seeing those “To Catch a Predator” shows!?!?

Anyway, about a week ago Baby Girl started complaining that she had some stuff going on “down there”. Well, being that talking about her “down there” isn’t something we normally do – I will admit I was a little uncomfortable. I took her to the doctor to rule out any medical conditions that could be associated with the symptoms she described and she came back with a clean bill of health. So, basically now I’m just screwed trying to figure out how to talk to my 9 year old, which still want’s to watch Scooby Doo all day, what is happening to her body. Like any good parent, I did my research. I got online and searched for answers and I found tons of information about talking to your daughter about puberty. I got home from work that night, went in Baby Girl’s room, sat on the side of her bed, took a deep breath and handed her a piece of paper with a web address for her to check out. I know…..I’m a chicken. Plus, I don’t know what she already knows so I don’t want to just start asking her questions for fear that I will bring up something that she’d never thought about until I opened my big mouth.

So, I sent her to www.kidhealth.org (which is a WONDERFUL site for kids to get information in their own language about all types of stuff they deal with growing up) and she started reading. The more she read the more questions she had which was kind of what I was hoping would happen. I was felling really good about how I’d handled this milestone in her life. We talked about how she needed to wear her training bra. She was disgusted to find out that she would eventually grow hair under her arms and in other areas. She seemed to begin to understand what was going on with her “down there” and the conversation started to taper off when Bean started to fuss for her dinner. I moved into the den and Baby Girl and Honey were still in the kitchen (him cooking and her reading). All of a sudden Baby Girl says, “Oh no – I’m NOT doing that!” I am horrified by this as my first thought is that I didn’t check out the website as thoroughly as I’d thought and she was now being bombarded with porn. Honey walked around so that he could see what she was looking at and said, “You’re not doing what?” “I’m NOT having this period thing!” she replied.

I started to laugh. Partly because I was relieved that she wasn’t looking at a bunch of smut and partly because I knew I was about to get to drop a bomb on her. I said, “Well, Baby Girl, you really don’t have much choice.” I explained about how that’s the way are bodies are made and how getting her period is a sign that she’s growing into a woman. Honey chimes in with, “And once you get your period you have to stay away from boys”. He is SOOO helpful with this kind of stuff. Baby Girl is adamant that she is NOT going to get her period or her question mark or semicolon for that matter and that was FINAL. I told here that she might as well get over it because it’s GOING to happen whether she likes it or not. She puts her hands on her hips and says, “So, how long is this period thing going to last?” I said, “Do you mean each time?” Her eyes got as big a saucers and she says, “What do you mean EACH TIME?!?!” I then had to explain that not only was she going to be cursed with this horrible affliction to her “down there” but that it would reoccur every month. She was not at all happy to hear this. She says, “Every month?!?! Forever?!?!” I tell her that it doesn’t last forever but it was something she was going to have to deal with for many years to come. She asked if I still had to deal with it and I told her unfortunately, yes. She rolled her eyes and said, “Oh GREAT, this thing is going to last until I’m REALLY old!” I thanked her for calling me old but reassured her that it’s really not a big deal and that when it happens we will deal with it.

She seemed to start to wrap her brain around the idea and started to loose some of the defiance and all of a sudden she began to smile. I was concerned because it was that “I’m up to something” smile. She then announces that she guesses it will be ok for her to get her period because then she won’t have to go to school. I informed her that it didn’t work that way, that she didn’t get to stay home from school because she was on her monthly cycle. To which she responded, “But you always say, ‘Unless you have a broken bone, are throwing up or bleeding you’d better get your butt out of bed and get ready for school’ and gave me the biggest “Nah” smile she could muster.

I HATE it when my words come back to bite me in the butt! So, in my future I can foresee lots of dramatic pleas to stay home due to cramps or because the only pants she has clean are white. I just know I will get a monthly call from the school to pick her up because she can never remember when she should “be prepared”. But I think my favorite step in this trip to womanhood is going to be the first time I hear that scream from the bathroom because her Kotex managed to flip sticky side up!

Oh, the joys of raising girls…..anybody looking to adopt?

Is There A Doctor In The House??

2006-11-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

So – my doctor decides that since I normally have extremely short labors (Baby Girl was born 25 minutes after I got to the hospital) that I should be induced in order to ensure that he was present for the birth……..little did he know.

First of all, Dr. Gyno obviously doesn’t know me very well at all as he ordered me to be at the hospital at 6:30AM. That’s right – 6:30 IN THE MORNING!!! So, before dawn on the morning of September 20th, I double checked my bag to make sure I had everything, made coffee for Honey and waited on Erin and Honey’s Mom to arrive to stay with Baby Girl and Bug. I was not having coffee because the sadistic people that make the rules of childbirth deemed that a PREGNANT woman can’t eat or drink after midnight prior to being induced. Now, I’m not sure how this rule is fair. If I were to go into labor spontaneously, what is the likely hood it would only occur 7 hours after my last meal??? I want to know if they penalize women whose water breaks while they are eating dinner?!?!? Is there some substantial fine they have to pay because if so – I’ve got GREAT insurance and would gladly tack on an additional “ate before labor” fee if it meant I could have my brownie and ice cream at 2am and my coffee in the morning!

But I digress. Erin and Honey’s Mom arrive and I snuck in Baby Girl’s room to give her a kiss and leave her a note I’d written telling her how much I love her and how she will always be my Baby Girl (yeah, I know, it made her cry too). We gather all of our stuff and hop in the car and ride off into the sunrise to become parents. We arrive at the hospital promptly at 6:30am (thanks to Honey – we all know I’m genetically 15 minutes late for everything) and get checked in. I am ushered to a very nice delivery room, told to put on the attractive hospital gown , pee in a cup and make myself comfortable – oh JOY! I do as I’m told and heft my now very lard tail into the not so comfortable bed on which I would later deliver my child. I answer 1000 questions about my medical history, pregnancy history and Civil War History (who knew). It seemed that everyone was very concerned about how much I weighed (a question they usually asked with Honey sitting right next to me). I answered all the questions and they didn’t kick me out so I assume I passed the test. So far, so good.

My nurse, Ms. Wonderful, arrives and hooks me up to a bunch of monitors and an IV. As she is getting everything settled I inform her that I have to pee so she unhooks everything from the monitoring station and drapes it around my neck and I wheel my IV to the bathroom with me………VERY attractive. I waddle back to the awful bed and hoist myself back in, hand Ms. Wonderful my cords and she plugs me back up. Honey is now in the room and is overjoyed to find that the TV is stuck on ESPN (yea!....NOT). My contracts are coming fairly regularly but not very intense and I’m thinking, “Piece of cake”. I am an idiot. After about an hour, my mother arrives. She and Honey sit on the even more comfortable couch and discuss sports. I work the crossword puzzle. My contractions begin to increase in intensity but they are still not so bad.

At around 11am my contractions became extremely intense and were coming one on top of the other. Now, I’d bragged to everyone that I was going to do this with no drugs so imagine my surprise when I said, “Bring me Stadol!” I told my nurse that I really was trying to avoid an epidural but that I would gladly welcome a nice shot of narcotics just to take the edge off. Ms. Wonderful left the room to fetch my “happy shot”. Obviously its standard practice to prepare to give an epidural even if the patient says they don’t want it because………..well, they KNOW we’re lying. So, in comes Ms. Student and her job is to ask me the same 1000 questions about my medical history, pregnancy and Civil War History as everyone else that has walked into the room. Now, at this time I am in CONSTANT pain. I feel like my gut is in a vice and my mother and Honey are still talking about sports. One really big contraction hit and I looked at them and said, “SHHHHH”. I said this because I wanted them to STOP TALKING. My mother interpreted this to mean I wanted them to TALK TO ME! She was commenting on the fact that I must be having a really big contraction when I interrupted her and said, “SHUT THE F*#% UP” and do you know what she did………tried to correct me. She started to inform me that I didn’t need to cuss to which I told her that if she really thought now was the time to correct me she should leave the room (I know, I’m an awful daughter). She picked up her purse and headed to the waiting room (because she KNOWS I’m an awful daughter). Once she left, Honey started to tell me how rude I was to which I shot him a look that said, “Do you want to join her?” and he shut up.

Meanwhile, Ms. Student is waiting on my contractions to pass (like they ever really stopped) to ask me about the barometric pressure and which tastes better – Peter Pan or Jiff. I’d finally lost my patience with her and asked, in a not so polite tone, if all of this was not written down on some other piece of paper that she could COPY OFF OF!!!! I also took this moment to inform her that I’d changed my mind and I wanted the epidural. About two minutes later, Ms. Wonderful entered the room and I also informed her that I’d decided to throw my pride out the window and get pumped full of body numbing fluids. She informs me that they had to get at least half a bag of fluid in me before they could give me the epidural so I told her to, “Hook it up and get to squeezing”.

Within 15 minutes we’d managed to get enough fluid in me to allow for them to administer the epidural. Ms. Student and Mr. Boss enter the room to administer the wonder drugs. Now, I assumed that Mr. Boss, the one with years of experience, would be the one that inserted a 36 inch needle in my back and ran it up my spinal cord…….Oh NOOOOOO. Ms. Student would be the one to possibly paralyze me and I must say, I was MOST excited. She made sure that she announced everything that she was doing so that I could write it in my “Pain Is A B!&@* Journal”. The first thing she did was scrub my back so that no germs could enter my body with the needle. This took about 15 minutes because she is obviously trained to treat everyone as if they were rolling in toxic waste just minutes before entering the hospital. It took her, what seemed like 45 minutes, to finally get the catheter in my back. By this time I have been pushing for 10 minutes and informed Ms. Wonderful to tell Ms. Student to forget it because I was about to deliver. We finally get Ms. Student to move her fanny out of the way and Ms. Wonderful started paging anyone and everyone to come assist in my delivery. At this point, they can’t turn on the epidural so I just wasted the last 45 minutes of my life for nothing!

All of a sudden my room starts filling up with nurses……..but no Dr. Gyno. Honey takes his place at my bedside, holding my hand and coaching me on and still, no Dr. Gyno. I am pushing at this point and I hear a nurse say, “The heart rate is dropping”. Honey is between my bed and the monitoring station that seems to be the command center of my delivery room. I push again and I hear someone say, “The cord is around the neck”. I look at Honey for reassurance and realize the he really isn’t looking at me. It seems that he has been wedged up against my bed with his legs locked in order to stay out of the way of the command center. In an instant, my wonderful husband went from coach to Red Wood and fell over backwards!! That’s right, he PASSED OUT!! The echo from his head hitting the floor stopped everyone in their tracks and all of a sudden HE had 20 medical professionals surrounding him and I was left with Ms. Wonderful to deliver the baby.

Bean was born on the bed with no doctor, no stirrups, no nothing! Someone, I have no idea who, cut the cord and whisked the Bean to the warmer. Meanwhile, I’m laying there with my “business” up in stirrups for the world to see and still no sign of Dr. Gyno. Honey, however, has about 25 people surrounding him to make sure that his brains weren’t scrambled. He is lying on the floor, babbling about how he played football and his sister used to hit him harder than that floor and I’m lying in the bed waiting on someone qualified to “finish the delivery”. At some point I asked one of Honey’s medical team to at LEAST cover me up so that I wasn’t exposed to the world with the rest of my “delivery” flapping in the wind. She obliged with a washcloth that probably covered at least ¼ of what I was trying to conceal!

After about 15 minutes, the doctor on call, Dr. Hysterical, came in. He went to the bathroom to put on his booties because Honey’s medical team had taken up most of the space in the room. He emerged from the bathroom and informed me that he had “sat in pee” (although that is NOT the word he used). Obviously the lovely “container” they put in the toilet to make sure that I was really going to the bathroom during labor (and not just applying lipstick) had not been emptied since my last….ummm….trip. I apologized for his wet rear end but asked if there was anything he could do about “finishing” my delivery. He positioned himself at the end of my bed and informed me that he was going to “put in a stitch just to prove he was there”. Now, I didn’t know whether to be offended or not but at that point I really didn’t care.

About 10 minutes later my mother appears in the room. As soon as she walks in Dr. Hysterical informs her that he has, “sat in pee”. She asks, “Did you deliver the baby?” He says, “Well Hell no.” And she says, “Well then what good are you?” To which he replies, “Not a D@%* bit, but I put in a stitch so I can get paid”. I really wish I’d known about this guy at the beginning of my pregnancy because I’m SURE my office visits would’ve been a lot more fun.

So there you are folks – the delivery story. I know it’s not conventional, there was no soft music, no soothing words from my husband, no low lights and angels singing. Nope, it was a three ring circus, but hey, Bean might as well come into the world knowing that she is destined to live in total chaos. Welcome to the world my precious little girl…..you’re in for a wild ride.

2006-11-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

Here she is. For the purpose of this forum she will be known as "Bean"

She's Here....

2006-11-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

Well, the beaner has arrived! She was born on September 20th at 12:50pm and weighed 6 lbs. 12 oz. and was 18 3/4 inches long. I am currently writing my delivery story and will post it in the next day or two. Just wait - only I could have such an experience! If you think my life was crazy before......oh my! I've posted a picture of her for you all to see and there will be many more to come. Check back soon for the entire saga of her birth.

He's A Girl!!!

2006-04-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

So we went for our 18 week ultrasound on Tuesday. Honey kept telling everyone that was when we were going to see the baby’s “boy parts”. However, because God has a wonderful sense of humor……….he is a girl.

That’s right – our new little bundle of joy is going to be a baby girl. Honey and I are both very excited (at least he says he’s excited…..I’m not really buying it yet). I was actually a little upset that we weren’t having a boy because with the two girls we could really use a change of drama. I was really looking forward to getting to write about 1st football practices and snake handling instead of the same old female drama we encounter on a daily basis. Oh well, I guess I’m just not supposed to be a boy mama. However, Honey is now on the lookout for a pink football because he says the he’s teaching SOMEBODY to play football. So, it looks like this new baby girl is going to be molded into a snake-handling tomboy even if it kills her daddy.

So folk, in September I will be giving birth to another beautiful little girl. At that point Baby Girl will be 9 and Bug will be 3. Hmmmm………I guess that means I’ve got another 18 years of being stupid because just about the time that Baby Girl realizes I’m not an idiot, Bug will be 13 and I will be a drooling moron. By the time Bug is old enough to realize the error of her ways, the new baby will be 15 and I will STILL be stupid. Good Heavens – I’m going to be 52 years old before anyone in my house thinks I am capable of dressing myself and I’m NEVER going to get to go to the bathroom alone again until they put me in a home! What have I done?!?!?!

Who Taught Honey How To Read???

2006-03-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that I have lost my ever-lovin’ mind! What was I thinking when I agreed to have another child?!?!? I would LOVE to be able to blame it on booze but the truth is we actually sat down and had a long discussion about wanting to add another child to our family. I remember it………I just don’t know WHY I agreed to it.

First, I must preface with the fact that I am very glad that Honey and I are going to have this child. Some people tend to over react and call me telling me how awful I am for calling my kids crack heads and reminding me what a gift they truly are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, YOU take them for about a week and then I’ll add the names YOU call them to this blog. I know that children are a gift from God and I know that they are beautiful blessings and all that. I also know that this blog is here to be HUMOROUS so lighten up.

Now, back to my rant. I have now been pregnant for 13 weeks. My Honey is reading his book like it contains clues to the end of the world. He is driving me NUTS with this book. Almost every sentence he utters these days starts with, “My books says…..”. For example, the other day I got home from work around 6p. I’d had a really long and hard day and just wanted to put on my comfy pants and lay on the couch for a bit. Just as I am about to nod off Honey brings me this cup with some sort of hot liquid in it. I asked, “What is this?”. “Chamomile tea” he replies. “Why?” I asked. “My book says it will help you relax and calm down”. Now, I have to give him points for trying to help me but I’ve never drank chamomile tea and quite frankly, hot tea is not on my list of things I would like to consume. I smiled and said, “Thank you baby but I really don’t think I want it”. “You need to drink it” he says, “it will help you relax”. Now, please remember that I was about to FALL ASLEEP when he brought me this steaming cup of God knows what that I DID NOT even ask for. I smiled again and gently said, “I’m not tense, I just want to lay here for a few minutes and then I will be just fine”. Honey smiled back at me and said, “My book says that you need to get plenty of rest and that this tea will help you to calm down after a hard day. You should really drink it. I put honey and sugar in it and I really think you will like it”. Now, if I was to drink ICED tea, I would drink it UNSWEET so why on Earth would he think that putting SUGAR AND HONEY in this tea would be at all appealing to me is completely beyond me. On top of that, he does not seem to be getting my hints that all I really want to do is lay on the couch UNDISTURBED. I looked up at him sweetly and said, “I really don’t think I want the tea but thank you anyway” to which he replied, “my books says….” At which point I cut him off and said in my sweetest tone, “Baby, I really don’t give a flying flip what your book says now just let me LAY HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES!!!!” With that he went back into the kitchen and poured out the bubbling brew he had so lovingly prepared for his beast of a wife all the while mumbling something about how I’d bought the stupid book and if I wasn’t careful I’d be eating it for dinner.

Now, don’t forget, I LOVE my husband but I just could not let this slide. I yelled from the couch, “Oh YEAH! Well, it’s YOUR fault I had to buy YOU the stupid book in the first place!” Didn’t make a lot of sense but I felt better because I got the last word. I laid my head back down and FINALLY began to nod off. About an hour later I awoke to a soft kiss on my cheek and my wonderful husband standing over me holding my dinner plate. He had made my favorite meal; meatloaf, mashed potatoes and English peas and had brought it to me on a tray in the den so I could watch American Idol while I ate. I thanked him and told him I was sorry that I had been just a grouch. I went on to tell him that I was very lucky to have such a wonderful husband and that I should tell him more often how much I appreciate him. At that point I started to bawl because I realized, in all of my hormonal wisdom, that I was the luckiest (sniff) woman (sniff, sniff) on the whole planet. The more I cried the more he smiled (which kind of irritated me). Through my snot and tears I asked him why he was smiling at me when I had been such a troll. Do you know what he said? “Well, my books says………..”

I swear, I’m going to set that dang book on fire – probably after I shove it up his tail!!!

2006-03-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

This is the first picture of our little "beaner". Honey and I both agree that he looks like a lima bean and one of Honey's aunts started calling him "beaner" and I think that's kind of cute so that may be his nickname being that we can't agree on a real name for the poor child.

Mini Muffin Madness

2006-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Good Lord!!! I haven’t posted since November?!?! What on Earth is wrong with me? Nothing, I’m lazy……….Hi, have you met me?

Ok, so what all has been going on in my world? Hmmm? Well, Bug got a battery operated, pink and white “Harley” for Christmas from Papa and BB and now she terrorizes the neighborhood with it’s obnoxious sound effects. Baby Girl is trying her best to make me absolutely crazy. She would forget her head if it wasn’t up her butt. I think we are going to have her tested for ADD – either she needs meds or I do. Prissy has been chosen for Pre-Team at gymnastics………….not sure what that means but I think it’s good. We went to Illinois at Christmas time and it was wonderful. Very quiet and peaceful……….I could live there. What else? Oh yeah, we are now getting bug two weeks a month and we are thrilled. She has given up her Nuk (pacifier) – we told her that Salty Bear (the dog) ate it. She now hates the dog but no longer asks for the Nuk…..poor Salty Bear. Hmmmmm………..what else? It seem’s like I am forgetting something……..hmmmm? Oh yeah – I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!

That’s right folks; Honey and I are working on CH #4. We are hoping and praying (and begging and bargaining) that this one is a boy. Honey says that if we have another girl he is liable to walk into oncoming traffic. Actually, we are just praying for a healthy baby but if God should happen to be surfing the net and stumbles across my little blog I hope he takes pity on me and makes this one MALE!

So far everything is going fine. It’s obvious that I will now become a better poster as I now have a whole new resource for material. So, be prepared to read about how my pregnancy progresses. And please don’t think I will be posting sappy entries about how Honey and I fall asleep every night with our hands on my belly gushing about how much we love this baby and how happy we are………….GAG! Nope, you will probably read more intimate details about my life than you EVER wanted to know. I just hope that none of Honey’s friends read this blog………they might make fun of him.

Let’s see – to date – no morning sickness. Every once and a while I get a little pang of “yuck” but nothing worth whining about. I’m already getting too big for my pants and I haven’t even been to my first appointment yet. I have my first OB visit on 2/14/06 and will probably have already gained about 20 pounds!! I actually haven’t really gained any weight, it’s just that my body is tired and now that it knows there’s no point in “sucking in” anymore………I’ve lost the ability to do so.

I bought Honey a book called “Pregnancy Sucks (for Him) – When your little miracle makes you both miserable”. I’ve read some of it and it is HYSTERICAL. The good thing is, I can tell he is reading it too and following it’s instructions. He is going to be a wonderful husband through out this pregnancy……….at least so far he’s doing pretty good.

I’m sure a lot of you hate me because I have no morning sickness but trust me – I have TONS of other stuff that is going wrong and falling apart so shut up and leave me alone. It would seem that I am a tiny bit hormonal……..ok, ok – I’m just plain irritable and bitchy. I have ZERO patience for anyone or anything. This is making life very hard on CH #1 as she has chosen this time to completely lose her mind and stop doing her schoolwork altogether. No reason for it she says, just “I don’t know” and “I forgot”. It would seem that my child “forgot” to answer the questions on her Social Studies test prior to turning it in which resulted in a big, fat zero. Go figure.

Anyway, back to bitchy. My wonderful husband has been trying to help our oldest child learn to cope (avoid) my hormonal imbalance. He has tried to explain to her that “Mama is just a little sensitive and her hormones are out of whack so just be really good and don’t speak to her or breathe her air”. Simple enough right? WRONG!

About a week ago I wanted a salad for dinner. I wanted a salad from Applebee’s because they have peas on their salad bar. Honey tried to tell me that I had all of the salad stuff I could ever want in our fridge (he was so proud that he’s stocked up on the one thing I was craving so far). I “explained” to him that I wanted Applebee’s because they had PEAS!!! Now, please note, I have NEVER, not once, even thought of putting peas on my salad but for some reason I now HAVE to have them so off to Applebee’s we went.

We had a nice dinner and Baby Girl and Honey discussed how they were going to have to deal with “Mama and her hormones” EVERY day for NINE WHOLE MONTHS. Oh, the horror!! I mean, I have to deal with them and their dirty laundry every day for at least the next EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!!! I think I’m the one getting ripped off so what the heck do they have to whine about (see, a little irritable).

Anyway, we get in the car to head home and I was driving. Honey and Baby Girl get into one of there normal back and forth “You pooted” “Nu Uh, You pooted” “No I didn’t, YOU did” “No Daddy, YOU DID IT” and as delightful as this is to listen to EVERY time we get in the car, I really wasn’t feeling the joy on this particular evening. Baby Girl threatens to throw her empty Coke can at Honey and he tells her she’d better not. He then picks up a bag of mini muffins from my console and chunks them in the backseat at Baby Girl! I snapped.

I started yelling about how my vehicle was NOT and amusement park and there was going to be no flying objects in MY car while I was driving. Furthermore, I would pull MY car over, jerk them BOTH out, whip their butts and leave them to walk home if anything else was hurled in my vehicle. I mean I was really letting them have it…….na na nana nanana na na!

Honey looks in the back seat at Baby Girl and says, “Baby Girl, THOSE are hormones”. Without skipping a beat Baby Girl holds up the bag and says, “No Daddy, these are mini muffins – they’re blueberry”. Needless to say I did pull my car over because I was laughing so there were tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t see. Not to mention that I had to pee so bad I was tempted to squat behind one of those 18 wheelers that park behind the mall.

We made it home safe and dry. Baby Girl had experienced her first major pregnancy “fit” and we’d all had a bonding moment. We also coined another new phrase. Ever since that night, any time I seem a little bit irritated, Honey always asks if he should leave the room before I start throwing muffins. My standard answer is YES!!!!

Gotta Love Her........Attitude

2005-11-30T13:00:00.000-08:00

Bug is back and she is getting SO big. She is going through a growth spurt and getting too big for her britches………in more ways than one.

Let me start by saying that Bug has always been the sweetest little girl. She loves to give hugs and kisses and she’s quick to say “Lub you” to her family and is a dream to put to sleep at night. As she gets bigger her vocabulary gets bigger. As she gets bigger her personality develops…..as does her attitude. Yesterday morning I had my first experience with the new Bug……..and I think I like her a lot!

Ok – so I’m going through my morning ritual of trying to get Baby Girl out of bed, fed, dressed (including shoes) and to the bus stop with clean teeth and combed hair………it’s tough! Anyway, we were to the part of our morning where I remind her to brush her teeth and hair and she was telling me that she’d “fixin to” for the 10th time. She finally found her way to the bathroom and I was folding clothes in the laundry “closet”. Bug was in her room playing in her toy box after having already been up for an hour, had breakfast and brushed her teeth (I’m determined to train her better than I did Baby Girl). From Baby Girl’s bathroom I hear, “MAMA! COME GET HER!” I can also hear Bug saying, “I brush teeth, I brush teeth, I BRUSH TEETH”. I can envision the scene, Bug is standing on the toilet leaning over into the sink trying to grab the toothbrush and toothpaste from Baby Girl and Baby Girl is trying to keep them away from her all the while smearing toothpaste all over my counter. I call out, “Bug, leave sister alone she is trying to get ready for the school bus”. Baby Girl got quiet so I assumed Bug went back to her room so I went back to folding clothes.

About 30 seconds later I look down to see Bug standing at the doorway with her hand held up as if she were stopping traffic with a very serious look on her face. I start to say, “Hi Bug” as that is our normal greeting but am cut short with a, “Hush Up!” I was shocked. #1 because she obviously had come all the way to where I was to express her displeasure in my having told her to get out of the bathroom and #2 because I felt I had just been Prissed by a two year old. I put on my best Mama face and said, “Excuse me? What did you just say?”

Now, this next part is what makes me know that I am going to LOVE this new Bug. She paused and studied my face for a few seconds and then said, “I go to Nana’s house”. That’s right folks – she is already smart enough to know that my reaction to her first attempt at Prissin was not one of joy and decided it better to LIE to my face than possibly suffer the consequences.

About that time Baby Girl came into the den and I relayed the story to her. She informed me that Bug had been trying to Priss her all day and she TOLD her that she isn’t allowed to Priss and older person. I guess Bug just had to test that theory but judging by her complete 360 when questioned I am assuming she was able to grasp the concept.

Yep – I think she is going to grow up to be a fine CH #3.

Don't Be Prissin Me

2005-11-30T11:22:00.000-08:00

Ok – I don’t know if I’ve explained about Prissin’ yet and I don’t care to follow my own instructions and read through the archives. So, I am going to explain it now and if I’m repeating myself fell free to skip down the page a little.

About a month or so ago Baby Girl came in from playing with Prissy, slammed the door, grabbed the remote and plopped down in the chair. This is very odd for a weekend day because usually she and Prissy have to be tracked down when it gets dark. I asked her why she wasn’t outside with Prissy to which she informed me, “I am taking a break from her for a while”. Ok – that should’ve been enough for me as I am always telling her how when they start getting on each others nerves they should just take a break and separate for a while……..but noooooo – I had to push it. I asked, “What happened?” because I hadn’t gotten my daily dose of drama that I have become dependent on to live. She found her spot on the ceiling behind me to stare at, put the remote down and her hands on her hips and said, “Because she was Prissin’ me and I don’t have to take it.” All of a sudden I realized that I have lost touch with this new generation as I had no idea what “Prissin’” was. So, because I want to be “in touch” with my child I asked, “What does that mean?”

At this point, she takes a deep breath, rolls her eyes and tells me, “I told her that she has been Prissin’ me all day and that I am 8 and she is 6 and that a younger person can’t Priss and older person but she kept on doing it so I told her that if she didn’t stop it I was going to Priss her back and she wasn’t going to like it AT ALL but she kept on doing it so I just told her that I needed a break because I didn’t have to take her Prissin me and I was going home for a while until she could learn the rules of stuff”.

You notice that last EXTREMELY long sentence with NO punctuation? Yeah, she didn’t take a breath during that entire rant. Sad thing is, I’ve now lost 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back and I STILL don’t know what Prissin is. So, I called Nana to see if she has heard of this odd ritual. Nana says that she has no clue what Prissin is but being that she is older than me, she better not catch me Prissin her. I asked Honey, since he’s younger than me, and he said that he’d never heard of it but he’d better not catch me Prissin him just because I’m allowed to. So, there I was, I didn’t know what Prissin was but I had this feeling that I really wanted to try it on someone.

About that time, Prissy rang the doorbell and Baby Girl answered it. I couldn’t hear what they were saying so I walked to the door, opened it wider and asked Prissy if she was finished Prissin Baby Girl. Prissy informed me that she “didn’t even Priss her at all” in kind of a snotty little voice and Baby Girl almost comes unglued. She yelled, “YES YOU DID! You were standing on the driveway and I asked you if you wanted to play school and you said no. I asked you if you wanted to play with our dolls and you said no. I asked you if you wanted to draw on the sidewalk and you said no and then you just turned around and walked into the garage! QUIT LYING Prissy!” Prissy then turned and walked away.

I am now standing there trying to compute all of this because what I have gathered from this exchange is that Prissin is turning around and walking away. I might go as far as to say it is disagreeing with someone and THEN turning and walking away but I really think it’s just the walking away part. Oh my, this is very disturbing. I mean, my 8 year old has informed me of the rules that a younger person is not allowed to Priss an older person so I can no longer plead ignorant. I don’t know if I am going to be able to function under these new guidelines? I mean, I would always have to be the last one to leave a room or I would have to always walk backwards. Which brings up another issue, what if I am walking backwards away from the group I am talking to but in the process accidentally walk away from an elderly person – have I Prissed them unknowingly? Oh no – I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this. Will I have to start carding people before I can proceed through a crowd……..oh, no, oh, no………I was beginning to panic. I grabbed Baby Girl by the shoulders and said, “What EXACTLY is Prissin?” Baby Girl rolled her eyes and says, “I don’t know, it’s just something we say when we don’t like what the other one is doing”. Oh thank God!!!

We have now adopted this word into our daily lives. For example – if Honey comes in the room and says, “Where are my glasses” and I say, “I don’t know I don’t wear them” he would be well within his rights to assume he has been Prissed. So, the next time that you are in a situation where a younger person is giving you grief about something just put on your best serious face and say, “Looky here – you’d best not be Prissin me” and turn and walk away. By the time they figure out what the heck you are talking about, they will have forgotten what they were griping about and leave you alone. Trust me, it works. I’ve tried it on several occasions and have YET to be asked what I meant. Good luck and Happy Prissin.

Oh, What Goes On In Their Little Crack Heads?

2005-11-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

Let’s see……..it’s been a minute since I rambled about the Crack heads. Where, oh where should I begin?

A few weeks ago Nana walked into her kitchen and found a bowl of melting ice on her counter. When she entered her living room she discovered another bowl of melting ice turned UPSIDE DOWN on her carpet. As she pondered what they could possibly be doing with bowls of ice she noticed her couch. All of the throw pillows were wearing jackets and coats. The girls were nowhere to be found. When she told me about it I asked what they said when she questioned them. “I didn’t” she said, “I really don’t think I want to know.”

A few days after that, Honey calls me outside to, “just come look”. I walk out on the front porch and see that the girls have been playing in the “dirt” that accumulates at the end of our street when it rains. They have stolen two of Nana’s big plastic bowls and have cups and silverware strewn all over the neighbors yard (the little section by the mailbox). Just as I am about to ask what they are doing I notice something white laying in the middle of the dirt/mud and Baby Girl is sitting on it. I asked Honey, “what is she sitting on?” and he says, “That’s why I called you out here. Ask her.” At that precise moment, Prissy scoots by us carrying a huge bowl of mud with a few pieces of Styrofoam sticking out the top. She never looked up and never spoke, just scooted past us to her house. I call out to Baby Girl, “WHAT are you doing?” “Playing in the dirt”, she says in her most innocent voice. I ask, “WHAT are you sitting on?” After a brief pause she replies, “My coat”. HUH???? “Would that be your BRAND NEW, SOLID WHITE coat that you have NEVER EVEN WORN???” I ask. “Um, yes ma’am” she replies softly. By now she has gathered up her stuff, including her coat and made her way back to our yard, all the while desperately looking for Prissy to back her up to no avail. I try to stay calm and ask, “WHY would you take your coat out there and put it in the mud to sit on? She got this “I know you’re mad but I have a legitimate reason” look on her face and said, “Because we didn’t want to get our butts dirty”. OH! Now I get it, it makes perfect sense……..to a CRACKHEAD!

Last Friday afternoon my neighbor from across the street (the same one that lives in front of the dirt) knocks on my door and informs me that “the little girls that play here” had filled her mailbox with dirt………..ON TOP OF HER MAIL!! I was speechless. I apologized to her and told her that her mailbox would be clean momentarily. I sent Honey around the corner to fetch the girls from Spike’s house. I’m fairly certain that their rear ends were “warmed up” on the way home as they were both sniffing and walking kind of funny. I handed them wet and dry paper towels and told them to get busy cleaning up the mess. The whole time I’m standing over them telling them how messing with someone’s mailbox (and mail) is a crime and they are lucky the lady didn’t call the cops and have them arrested. I told them that we were not raising children that would destroy other people’s property and that they were both grounded for a week. I went on to tell them that they were NEVER to play in the neighbor’s yard again and if I caught either of them playing in that dirt again they were going to regret it. I was just ranting and raving about how I couldn’t believe that they would do something like that to someone else’s stuff. I mean it’s one thing for them to do crazy stuff to our houses (ice in the floor, dirt on Daddy’s truck, hand prints on the ceiling, etc) but for them to pull a stunt like this was just not going to be tolerated, blah, blah, on and on. Neither of them ever took their eyes off the inside of that mailbox so I’m pretty sure they were just tuning me out. I also made them march their little tails up to the door and apologize to our neighbor. Once it was all over, I sent #2 home (Nana was standing on her porch backing me up the whole time) and #1 on the house. I fixed Baby Girl some dinner and told her to get ready for bed (it was about 6pm). As I put her to bed I told her, “Baby Girl, I love you with all my heart and I don’t like fussing at you and having to punish you but I just can’t let you think it’s ok to do things like that”. She started to cry and told me, “Mama, I don’t know why I did it. Prissy said we should and I told her no but then I just got caught up in the moment and the next thing I knew, Daddy was coming to get us.” Caught up in the moment?? What eight year old says “caught up in the moment”? Anyway, I gave her a kiss and put her to bed and went to call Nana. I asked her how the mood was in her house and she told me that Prissy had decided to pack a bag and run away because “Syd and Mr. Honey are mean”. Not because we made them clean up the dirt, not because Honey spanked them, not even because we yelled at them. No, we are mean because it was embarrassing to have to apologize to the neighbor. Whatever! I hope they were embarrassed. Maybe they will think twice before committing their next felony.

Free To A Good Home!!!

2005-11-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

I know there are some dog lovers out there that would LOVE to have a Snugget!! That’s right, Snow (the big white fluffy dog) managed to knock up Nugget (the medium black short-haired dog) and now we have NINE puppies. They are 4 ½ weeks old and are VERY cute but 9 of them whining at 3am, because Nugget no longer finds letting them chew on her ta-tas quite so comfortable, is really starting to work my nerves. I’ve explained on several occasions that my house is rather small – well my back yard is even smaller. We already have Snow, Salty and Nugget – and Honey actually hinted to keeping TWO of the snuggets – AIN”T GONNA HAPPEN!!!

So, if any of you are looking for a really cute puppy – shoot me an email or post a comment. They will be ready to go on 11/18 and I will gladly deliver. I will take pictures and post them tomorrow.

Tech Support - Would You Like Fries With That?

2005-11-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

Ok – I haven’t ranted about work in a while but today I am feeling the need. I will go ahead and extend my apologies to any individual that might have been on the call I am about to reference and is offended by this post. However, chances are if you were on that call – you are too stupid to read so I probably don’t have anything to worry about.

So, my company was bought a while back by a much larger company and since that time they have been “absorbing” us into their world. We are supposed to follow their processes and procedures (most of which are so screwed up even they don’t know how they work). Anyway – a while back we moved a lot of our systems to their locations (because we are hicks and couldn’t possibly know how to work stuff) however, these systems are all still supported by our location (because they don’t want hicks teaching them squat). A while back “they” gave us the directive that all of our helpdesks would go to “one number”, meaning that all of our former company users would call one phone number (in a whole other state than any of our locations) to open a trouble ticket that we would then work. In other words – if you sit outside my office – you have to call California and open a ticket so that I can walk out my door and hand you a new mouse. Not to mention the fact that they NEVER give us good or enough information to enable us to solve the problem without contacting the user directly. Frankly – they make my job harder and more time consuming but hey – I’m a hick – what do I know.

Now, the group that now takes our calls is not the ONLY helpdesk within this new large corporation that I joyfully work for. No – I know of 4 different “one number to dial” helpdesks within this organization and none of them have a clue that the others exist – yet my group has to deal with all of them because we support applications enterprise wide. All of these different helpdesks have “critical reporting” that has to be done anytime there is an issue. For example – if I have a server go down in Memphis and it impacts 2 people in Maine – I have to explain why to 14 different people from 5 different states. If I have 3 people in Oregon who can’t login because they don’t know their password – I have to fill out a “root cause” report and submit it to 9 people in 3 different states. If a bird flies into my window and I spill coffee on my keyboard which keeps me from working for the 32 seconds it takes to swap it out thus causing 1 telemarketer to not be able to bore me to death with a sales call – I have to report the outage to 36 people on 2 different planets. So, as you can see – dealing with all of these separate helpdesks has not decreased my workload at all and I am not thrilled about it.

Yesterday I received the following call and I swear to you that I almost “snapped and went off”……….

Me – “This is Syd”

HD – “Hi, Syd, This is Dilbert with the Retards Answering Phones center. I have Larry, Moe, Curly from Georgia and Lucy, Ethel, Ricky and Fred from Boston and Lenny and Squiggy from Detroit on the phone with me and we are trying to resolve an issue with AIR”

Me – “Ok – what seems to be the issue?”

Dilbert – “Well, it seems that when users in London aren’t able to access AIR on the Terminal Server”

Me – “What error are they receiving?”

Larry – “I’m not sure of the error. Can you check the server?”

Me – “I’m logged into it now and AIR launches just fine. What server are they pointing to?”

Squiggy – “I’m not sure. Probably the same one they’ve always used”

Me – “Well these users used to access AIR from a Memphis Terminal Server but that server was decommissioned last Friday. Users should now be getting AIR from the Ohio Terminal Server. Can we find out what server they are pointing to?”

Moe – “Why weren’t we notified of the change?”

Me – “Betty Boop was the project manager on that and she sent out communication to all departments each week for over a month asking for users to test and informing them of when they cutover was going to occur.”

Lucy – “So let me understand this. The problem is the users aren’t pointing to the correct server to get AIR?”

Me – “I don’t know. I need someone to verify which server they are pointing to and what error they are receiving. Who is on with us from London?”

Dilbert – “Umm, I don’t think anyone. Do you need someone from London?”

Me – “Well, it would be helpful if I had a user that was actually experiencing the issue that I could talk to”

Ricky – “Hey Lucy, can you see if you can get either Hughey, Dewey or Louie on the phone from London?”

Dilbert – “I’ll go ahead and call Bert and Ernie from LAN so they can start a sniffer.”

Me – “Let’s find out what the actual issue IS before we drag anyone else on this call”

Dilbert – “Oh, I agree. Curly – can you please page Bert for me while I try to get Ernie on IM.”

Curly – “Dialing now.”

Me – “Um, ok then. Has Lucy come back with a London user yet?”

**silence**

Me – “Hello? Lucy, are you there?”

Lucy – “I’m here. I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Dilbert – “Did you get in touch of Hughey, Dewey or Louie?”

Lucy – “Umm – no. I’ll see if I can track down Donald – he’s their Manager”

Me – “I really need to speak with someone that is actually at a computer that can tell me what is happening on the screen”

Bert – “Hi – this is Bert from LAN. What do you need me to do?”

Dilbert - “Hey Bert, this is Dilbert. I wanted to see if you could put a sniffer on the network to see if we are having any problems getting to AIR from London”

Bert – “Sure, what is the IP of the user in London and what is the IP of the server in Ohio?”

Me – “We don’t seem to be able to find a user that is having this issue. As a matter of fact, at this moment the issue is merely a rumor. I believe the problem is that the users aren’t pointing to the correct server but we are waiting for someone to verify that”

Bert – “I see. Well what is the IP of the server?”

Me – “123.456.7.89”

Lucy – “I’ve got Donald coming on with us now”

Donald – “Hi, this is Donald”

Me – “Hi Donald. We’ve got about 20 people on the phone trying to figure out what is going on with your group”

Donald – “Well, the users are reporting that they can’t get into WATER”

Me – “I’m sorry – did you say WATER because we were told that they couldn’t get AIR”

Donald – “Umm – I thought they said WATER. Hang on; I’ll see if I can find Hughey, Dewey or Louie. Maybe they will know”

Me – “That would be great (sarcasm)”

Lucy – “Let me understand, we have two applications, AIR and WATER, which are down because we didn’t communicate the move of the Terminal Server?”

Me – “No – that is not at all the case. At this point, it seems that only Hughey, Dewey and Louie know what the actual problem is and it would seem they have flown the coop.”

Donald – “Hey – I’ve got Daisy here and she is in front of her computer.”

Bert – “What is your IP address?”

Me – “Hang on; let’s find out what the actual problem is BEFORE we start bombarding her with questions. Daisy, what seems to be the problem?”

Daisy – “Well, when I try to get on, it takes a long time for the login screen to come up”

Me – “When you try to login to AIR?”

Daisy – “I’m not logging into AIR”

Me – “Are you able to login to the Terminal Server?”

Daisy – “Yes”

Bert – “What is the server’s IP?”

Me – “Hang on Bert. Daisy, once you login to the server, what icon are you clicking on?”

Daisy – “AIR”

Me – “Ok? So it’s AIR’s login screen that is taking a long time. How long?”

Daisy – “It’s been taking almost one minute all day”

Bert – “What is the IP for AIR?”

Me – “Daisy – can you try it for me now and count how long it takes. When I access it from here it takes 6 seconds to bring up the login screen”

Daisy – “Ok”

**silence**

Me – “So, how long did it take?”

**silence**

Me – “Daisy?”

Daisy – “Oh, did you want me to try it now?”

Me – “Yes, please”

Daisy – “Ok, that time it took 7 seconds”

Me – “When was the last time that it took almost a minute?”

Daisy – “I’m not sure. I never saw it. Hughey is the one that reported that but he’s gone for the day.”

Me – “Dilbert, I am going to consider this a non-issue”

Lucy – “So who will be sending out the communication in regards to this outage?”

Me – “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t consider this an outage.”

Ricky – “I’m going to document the outage as being caused by the server move not being communicated”

Me – “That’s not what was wrong here and the server move WAS communicated to the users over a week ago”

Bert – “I’m not able to run a trace on this IP”

Ethel – “Hey guys – why don’t we see if we can get some other users to test this from another location”

Me – “There is no issue – if there was my phone would be ringing off the wall and I haven’t gotten one call about this. There was no outage and it doesn’t even seem that there was and issue. I vote this call is over.”

Dilbert – “Ok, I’m going to assign this ticket to Desktop Services Memphis with the notes from this call. Syd, when can we expect resolution to this outage?”

Me – “By 3pm CST tomorrow.” CLICK!!!

This call lasted for 45 minutes. That is 45 minutes that I will NEVER get back. 45 minutes I could’ve spent closing 5 other tickets for people that had REAL issues. 45 minutes of mind numbing back and forth between too many people that don’t have a clue what they are doing. 45 minutes of me contemplating breaking the candle holder on my desk and eating the broken glass in order to ease the pain of the stupidity I’d been exposed to. 45 minutes of…………..gotta go, I’m getting a call from RAP………where is that candle holder?

A Place For MY Stuff

2005-11-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well – it’s official – I finally FEEL married. You know how when you’re dating someone and all of their little “quirks” are cute and you laugh about them then suddenly when you get married they aren’t cute anymore? Yeah – I’m there.

Now, as always, I need to provide background information. Honey loses his keys, wallet and/or cell phone at LEAST 3 times a week. This normally occurs when we are trying to get somewhere at a specific time and are, of course, running late. When he can’t find whatever item he’s lost he gets mad. My usual response to this is to calmly walk to wherever I’d seen him go the day before (or hour before) and retrieve the item in question. I would then return it to him, smile and kiss him and he would say, “What would I do without you”. That was BEFORE we got married.

Now, please note – I ADORE my husband. For the most part we never fight. We have people constantly telling us that we make them sick because we are “too lovey dovey” (jealous much?). Anyway – the following is just a demonstration of how after you are married some of the cute stuff isn’t all that cute anymore.

Yesterday Honey went to the store to get my Diet Cokes (because I am spoiled). I am assuming that he could not locate his keys because he just took mine. He returned with 3 12 packs of my drug of choice and began to cook dinner (because I am spoiled rotten). The neighbors came down, Honey grilled burgers, hot dogs, baked beans, fries and I made potato salad (see, I contribute). Anyway, we sat out on the patio enjoying what might be our last pretty weekend before it turns cold listening to the radio and cutting up. Honey built a fire with the sun went down and the party went on until about 8p when it was time to start getting kids in the bed.

This morning, Honey got up and made coffee, got the girls up and fed while I took a shower (I know, I know – I’m keeping him). He left for work around 7:30a. I got the girls dressed and ready. Sent Baby Girl to the bus stop and took Bug down to Nana’s house. I came back, got my laptop, my Diet Coke and my purse. I went to retrieve my keys from my purse and they weren’t there………….HMMMMM? I NEVER lose my keys because if they aren’t in my ignition they are in my PURSE. It then dawns on me that Honey had been the last person to drive yesterday and that I’d seen HIS keys laying on top of the dryer (not sure why) while he was gone to get my cokes. I’d moved HIS keys to the top of HIS dresser (so HE could find them in the morning). I start looking – kitchen table, bar, dryer, bedroom, bathroom, patio, garage, Bug’s room, den – you name it, I looked there.

After 20 minutes of looking I finally had to call Honey. When he answered I asked, “Where are my keys?”. “Uhhhh – I don’t have them. I found mine this morning, they were on the dresser” (I’m sorry, who “found” them?) I said, “That’s good, now where are MY keys? You used them last” “Uhhhh – did you look on the table?” “YES! Unlike someone else I know, I actually LOOK for MY stuff before I call on others to be responsible for finding MY stuff”. “Uhhhh – did I not put them in your purse?” I almost dropped the phone, “Yes honey, you put them in my purse. I just called to test you and see if you could remember. NO they aren’t IN MY PURSE!!!! That’s the problem!” “Uhhhh – I’m sorry but I don’t have a clue what I did with them”. I asked, “What did you have on yesterday?” He proceeds to ramble off 3 different outfits (which explains why my laundry is out of control all the time) the last one being a pair of denim shorts. I start digging in the hamper and locate the shorts and low and behold – MY keys are in the pocket.

Now, at this point I am more than a little irritated. It’s one thing when he looses HIS stuff but when he starts losing MY stuff……….well, that just is not something I am going to be able to deal with (I know me). I explain to Honey that from now on there is a new rule – he is never allowed to use my keys for any reason – period. I rambled on and on about how I keep up with MY stuff. I always know where MY keys are because I put them in my purse. I don’t expect him to keep track of all of MY stuff and I shouldn’t have to keep track of HIS stuff. Blah, Blah, Blah, nag, nag, nag. He again apologized, I accepted, told him I loved him and hung up. Ugh!!!

I stomp back to the kitchen with my keys. I hang up the phone, grab my Diet Coke from the fridge, and go to stick it in my purse………..that isn’t on the table. CRAP!! At some point during my treasure hunt for my keys – I’d laid my purse down somewhere and I have no clue where!! I go BACK to the bedroom, garage, patio, Bug’s room and den – nothing. Just as I start to think I am losing my mind I remember the one other place I’d looked for the keys……..the dryer. There it was, sitting on the dryer with a Diet Coke already sitting in it. I grabbed my purse, put my keys in it, returned one of the beverages to the fridge and out the door I went. Then back in the door I came to get my laptop THEN out the door I went for work.

Now, Honey knows nothing of my misplacing my purse and I plan to NEVER tell him so I’d appreciate it if you would all keep it to yourselves. If you blab on me – I will send him to YOUR house and let him move YOUR stuff around for a while.

Sorry - Spammers Spoil Everything

2005-11-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

You will notice that now when you submit comments you will have to use word verification prior to posting. I'm sorry - I hate having to type those stupid word jumbles but I've got spammers hitting my blog now and I could care less about reading a bunch of ads telling me "nice blog - you should check out this new home business - click here for more details". So, in order to keep the riff raff out.....you will have to contend with obscure jumbled words if you want to comment on this site - sorry.

2005-11-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl, Bug and Prissy at Halloween.

Oh, To Be Eight Years Old And In Love

2005-11-04T13:51:00.000-08:00

I’ve always wondered if Baby Girl inherited more of my traits than those of her father. Yesterday she came home with a story that proves she really is more like me.

I must first let you know that Baby Girl is just starting to come out of her shell. I attribute this to having Honey in her life and to Cheerleading. She has always been a little on the weepy side and would start to cry if you looked at her wrong. She is very big on protecting her “private life” which includes everything from who her “boyfriend” is to her zipper being down in public. EVERYTHING pertaining to her is her “private life” and should NEVER be spoken about aloud. (Thank Heaven she can’t get online alone!)

Our neighbor to the back has a son (we’ll call him Spike). Spike is really cute and in Baby Girl’s class. For months we’ve been hearing from Prissy and Diva that Baby Girl “likes” Spike. Every time one of them would bring up Spike – Baby Girl would yell “You’re lying”, go to her room and slam the door. If I dared ask what was wrong – the tears would begin and she would tell me it was her “private life and they’re lying”. Ok – I know I’m old but I know that is code for “I wish they wouldn’t tell you that I like this boy”. I explained to Baby Girl that they were just teasing her and it didn’t matter if it were true or not. If she wanted to like Spike then just like him and tell Prissy and Diva to jump off a cliff.

When I got home from work on Halloween, Baby Girl pulled me in the bathroom to tell me something. She sat me down on the side of the tub, crossed her hands across her chest and proceeds to tell me, “I told Spike yesterday that I liked him and today at school, he told me he likes me back. So, he is my boyfriend and I don’t want you and Daddy to make jokes about it – OK”. I didn’t know if I should just go to my room or what. I was felling very much that the roles had been reversed and I was being corrected by my 8 year old. I did what any self respecting mother in this situation would do – I said, “Yes ma’am”, got up and left the room so I could laugh.

On Tuesday, Baby Girl came home with a new piece of jewelry. It would seem that Spike had presented his new Love with a pretty, pink, beaded necklace. Now, where Spike acquired these precious gems, I haven’t a clue but if his sister winds up knocking on my door I won’t be surprised. Anyway – she is now sporting a necklace that Spike gave her and will NOT take it off and all seems to be wonderful in her new world.

Thursday, I arrive home and am informed by Honey that I NEED to ask Baby Girl about her day. I call out to Baby Girl and tell her that I am going to the potty but want to hear about her day when I get finished. Of course – she follows me into the bathroom because as a 33 year old woman, I am incapable of peeing by myself. She proceeds to tell me about her day. It begins with a deep sigh and hands on her hips. She also has this way of not actually looking at you when she talks – she kind of talks to whatever is on the ceiling behind you. So there she was – really giving the ceiling a very serious look, hands on her hips. She took a really deep breath and said, “Mamma – some of the kids at school today were teasing me at lunch and they were getting on my last nerve. They finally ran right over it and I SNAPPED and went off!” Being that I am old, my first question was, “ran over what”. “MY NERVE”, she said. “Oh”. I said. “What were they saying?” (At this point I am trying hard to keep a straight face). “They were saying, “Spike and Baby Girl were supposed to get married yesterday” and I just WENT OFF”. Through a clenched jaw I asked, “What did you say to them?” “I yelled at them and told them to ZIP IT! (Finger pointed) I told them that I didn’t want to here it anymore and that they needed to LEAVE ME ALONE!”. “Then I started to cry and I had to go sit at the back table because I was yelling in the lunch room”. At this point I couldn’t even look at her – thank God there was no toilet paper and I had to send her to the other bathroom to get some. Before she returned I managed to compose myself. She came back and continued to tell me that she explained what happened to her teacher and “she made all those kids come to the front of the class and apologize – I bet that teaches them”. I told her that I agreed and to go outside and play. She left and I almost fell on the floor laughing. The DRAMA that an 8 year old has to deal with is just unbelievable!

While I was thinking about how silly all of this was my alter ego began to remember my own childhood and a similar situation where I didn’t talk to my very best friend for 3 days because she had cut the very tip of the corner of a piece of paper I was coloring on – I mean the nerve of that girl!

It made me realize how we (as girls) are genetically predispositioned to completely blow things out of proportion. I mean, at 8 it’s someone cutting your paper or saying you like some boy (that you actually do like). At 15, our mothers are stupid and could NEVER possibly understand what we are going through. At 25, men are stupid and would never make it out the door with their heads and keys if it weren’t for us. At 33, the stupid heifer in front of us in the 20 item or less line with her 22 items is the whole reason that the world is at war in Iraq. I just can’t wait until I’m 50 – I bet I find out that child proof caps cause global warming!!

Well, I’ve got to get – I’m anxious to find out what kind of horrors my child had to endure today in the treacherous 3rd grade today. Hopefully she didn’t punch someone for saying she had brown hair!

I Is Married Now!!!

2005-10-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

I know I've been gone for a while but as it turns out - getting married is a TON of work!!!!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people that worked so hard to help me make our wedding wonderful. Nana worked her butt off everyday just to come home and help me (actually MAKE me) get everything checked off of my list of things to do. My bridesmaids were wonderful and went out of their way to make sure I wasn't stressed out. My parents (all of them) worked SO hard to make sure that everything looked beautiful. Papa and BB did an awesome job with the rehearsal dinner and everyone had a good time. Mom made a beautiful satin football for Sparky to throw to Honey (although Sparky didn't want to carry it because "it not fooball"). Our siblings went above and beyond the call of duty by showing up early to decorate and making last minute keg pick-ups. All of my aunts (and uncle) set up tables and helped decorate. Everyone contributed to all of the food and beverages and from what I hear (I didn't get a bite of anything but cake) it was all fabulous! GiGi bossed everyone and made sure that everyone was doing EXACTLY what they were supposed to do. Prissy was the "book bosser" and did a wonderful job. Baby Girl was absolutely beautiful and did a great job as my Jr. Bridesmaid. Even Honey's guys were awesome - he made it on time and with no VISIBLE signs of his bachelor party – I was very pleased. So – I want to say thank you and I love you to all of those that where there, busting their butts to make sure that our wedding was wonderful.

2005-10-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

Here we go!

2005-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Got our makeup "did". Lord have mercy - I look like I'm 60 years old!!

2005-10-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

Getting our hair "did" - Baby Girl said she didn't like it like this :)

2005-10-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Bug LOVED her "pretty dress"

2005-10-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

My girls - Cheese and Frayser

2005-10-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dancing with my Daddy.

2005-10-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

Dancing with my brother (That's Z - ain't he cute!)

2005-10-25T14:28:00.001-07:00

Our first dance turned into a family affair.

2005-10-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

Listening to the toasts. Everyone made us cry.

2005-10-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Mimi, Daddy, Me, Mother and NOAH

2005-10-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

Baby Girl caught the bouquet - I don't know if Nana is happy or about to beat her up for it (She's a single girl too ya know).

2005-10-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

Digging for the garter (hey, hey)

2005-10-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

My dance with Papa - he's such a sweetie

2005-10-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

This is one of my oldest friends - we'll call her Cheese and that guy she's dancing with is her husband - we'll call him Dallas

2005-10-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Honey and Z about to whip some tail in a dance off.

2005-10-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Tiger and Dirty Dan ATTEMPTING to win a dance off against Honey and Z.

2005-10-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

Some people didn't understand that they were supposed to UNTIE the birdseed bags BEFORE they threw them!

2005-10-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Me and Baby Girl in the limo

2005-10-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

Baby Girl thought she could go with us if she sat in the back.

2005-10-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Bug wanted to ride in the "BIG car"

The Limo (click here)

2005-10-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

This is the "hooptie" that the boys HAD to contend with for their "night on the town"

2005-10-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Honey and Tiger were LOVING the sweet ride!

2005-10-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

The boys leaving for the "BIG PARTY". I am assured by all there that Honey will not go to jail (or at least I wouldn't KNOW he went to jail)

Cold Wax......Originally Used in Torture Camps

2005-09-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

OK - for the record - this is NOT me. I have no clue who this poor soul is but I almost wet my pants reading about her ordeal.

One Woman's Tale of Woe

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
CRAP!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt??
Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter... "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point and wouldn't have known it until the following morning!!

After you dry your eyes (and your pants) ask yourslef this....WHY do we (women) do this kind of thing? We know that it's stupid. Hell, half of us can't stand to pull a bandaid off fast so why would we dare smear any type of adhesive on our nether regions and yank?!?! I'll tell you why - MEN. We pluck, shave, bleach, rip and electorcute any stray hair we find so that men will find us attractive. Meanwhile, most men have hair growing out of every oraface and we are supposed to find it "manly". Whatever! Girls, next time your boyfriend or husband rubs your legs and says "bout time to wax don't cha think" just reach over and yank out a hand full of chest hair. I bet it will be the last time he mentions your hair removal procedures.

A Moment of Silence Please

2005-08-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

May we please have a moment of silence for those recently done passed…

Punkin, Fuzzy and Superchicken

I swear! They were in today's CA.

PMS

2005-08-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

I'm sorry. What was your question?

This Is a Funny Site

2005-08-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

OK - this site is too funny and too true. Click on the title above to get there. There is quite a bit of foul language so if that offends you, don't click the link.

My New Jeep Makes Me Sick

2005-08-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

I will be danged if riding around in a vehicle with COLD air hasn't given me a sore throat. I told Honey that the car he bought makes me sick...........he was offended. The way my luck goes, just about the time that my body gets used to having air conditioning the compressor will go out and I will catch Pneumonia.

Cheerleading is Dangerous

2005-08-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

Baby Girl sustained her first sports related injury last night. I’ve mentioned that she is cheering for the first time this year and loving it. Well, she has practice on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s from 6 – 7:45p. They are getting ready for football season and all of the girls are working really hard. Baby Girl is the “top” for all stunts because she is the smallest on the squad. Last night, she was formally introduced to the pain of a sports related injury. She didn’t fall off the pyramid or twist and ankle doing jumps. No, my Baby Girl got her hand slammed in a car door after practice.

I arrived to pick her up from practice at 7:45p. I had to talk to the sponsor and get her shoes, socks, mid-drift (huh – she’s 8), drop off $25 for “cheer mom” shirts, $25 for “cheer dad” shirts, $10 for “spirit shirt”, $17 for a decal to stick on my car to let everyone know that I am stupid enough to invest butt loads of money for an 8 year old to cheer and $12 for building rental so that the girls don’t die of heat stroke practicing outside. So, there I was doling out cash and getting the rundown on when she is supposed to wear her cheer shoes when I heard the most blood curdling scream.

I turned around in time to see my daughter clutching her hand and screaming while one of the dads tried to comfort her. I ran (yes, I can run) across the parking lot to find that her hand had been accidentally slammed in the door by one of her teammates. Baby Girl was hysterical! I finally got her to let me look at it and there was a long, deep indention across the top of her right hand that matched the door latch. One of the other moms had the ice from her coke left so I dumped it out and held it on Baby Girl’s hand and started talking to her to calm her down.

Meanwhile – the dad is about to have a breakdown. It was his car door in which her hand got slammed and it was his child that did the slamming. I really thought he was going to cry – he was so concerned and stood there wringing his hands saying, “I am so sorry, I am so sorry”. He had already run and gotten her a bag of ice for her hand and then he carried her to the car. I assured him she would be fine but the poor guy was just so upset.

On the way home she was complaining that she couldn’t move her fingers. Now, the first question I asked her when this happened was if she felt like she was going to throw up – the first sign of a broken bone. She said no. So, the logical side of me that has had more than my share of injuries, knew it wasn’t broken but the mother side of me would rather be safe than sorry. Not to mention that she is a drama queen and I knew that she wasn’t going to believe it wasn’t broken until someone in a white coat told her so. So, I headed to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital with our dripping bag of ice water and checked in at the desk. Baby Girl informed the intake nurse that her hand was broken. We filled out paperwork and had a seat in the waiting room. Baby Girl informed me that she wanted a pink cast – or maybe green to match her uniform. I told her we needed to wait for the doctor to decide. She then informed me that she had gotten the hand brace (stole it from Nana’s yard sale stuff a few weeks ago) because she “saw this coming”. Oh the drama! Anyway, we went to triage and they took her blood pressure with the automatic cuff which she said was cutting her arm off. Good thing we were in a hospital. They gave her a Loratab (sp?) for the “severe pain” and we waited some more and some more and some more. We finally got back to the “room” which was the hallway in the Peds ER and waited some more. While we were there we saw a child with a gash in his head about 5 inches long, another child with a crushed toe getting a cast, a teen come in on a stretcher with a huge wrapping on his leg and blood everywhere, a child getting stitches to a gash on his chest and we listened to another child vomit for 4 hours. The there was us with basically a busted blood vessel and an overactive sense of the dramatic. I really felt kind of stupid sitting there but again – better safe than sorry.

We finally got to go back for x-rays where Baby Girl informed the nurse that her hand was broken and she wanted a pink cast. The nurse told her we would have to wait and see what the doctor said to which she replied, “that’s what my mamma said”. Like, Dang! I guess she got to you too. We finished the x-rays and went back to our hall and waited. FINALLY the doctor came over and told us that her hand wasn’t broken (duh) but that she was going to put her in a sling for a few days and she was on “restrictive duty” until she was pain free. Ummmm – am I the only person that has been watching her use her hand to fluff her pillow, readjust herself on the bench and move it in every direction to get x-rays? I would say she is pain free now but I’m only a mother and I didn’t go to medical school so I’m sure I’m an idiot.

We left the hospital with our sling and our prescription for Loratab. We hadn’t eaten dinner yet so we pulled through McDonald’s to get some food. She said she needed “something easy to eat with my left hand” so instead of her normal Big Mac, she got two hamburgers and an order of fries (which she ate with her right hand). We got home extremely late and she was exhausted. She got in bed and was out in 2 minutes.

This morning, I kept her home from school. Not because of her arm but because she’d only had like 5 hours sleep and she requires at least 10 hours to even function. When she finally emerged from her room, with her sling and her hospital bracelets still on her arm she requested ice cream for breakfast. I explained that she is not sick and her arm isn’t broken so she is NOT having ice cream for breakfast. “Fine – I guess I’ll just have a bagel then” is her response.

I got a call from the mother of the “slammer” to check on Baby Girl. I assured her that everything was fine. She was almost as upset as the dad. She wanted to help pay the bills or something and I told her no that it was an accident and that I have good insurance. So, she got my address so that she can “send her something”. Oh Lord – the child is going to start slamming body parts in doors to get balloons now.

I’m very glad that Baby Girl didn’t sustain a serious injury but I think I would be way more compassionate if she had. I mean I have a really hard time sympathizing with someone who wears a sling for a busted blood vessel. Don’t get me wrong, I know it hurt and I know it scared her and in the moment, I was extremely compassionate and loving. But today…………yeah, the going from romping in the floor and wrestling with the dog to sitting on the couch in a sling propped up on 3 pillows is really starting to get old. When she tells me how much her hand hurts I want so badly to say, “oh yeah, well if you think a smashed hand hurts just wait until you get an episiotomy!” If I make it to her 14th birthday it will be a miracle!

Ding Dong the Jeep is Dead

2005-08-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

I am sad to inform you that the POS Jeep is dead. She developed a bad cough over the weekend and succumbed to her disease around 7:20am yesterday. I know she will be missed as she was the source of countless days of amusement for all who knew her. I don’t know if she was in pain but she did go quickly. She will be laid to rest this evening. The family requests that all gifts be sent to the Jeep Electrical Research Foundation.

PARENTAL ADVISORY:
The following is a graphic account of her death. If there are minors in the room, this would be a good time to cover their ears so they don’t think you’ve gone crazy when you start laughing.

As everyone knows the POS Jeep was called that for a reason. It had no air, the side mirror was busted, there was a crack in the windshield, the power windows only worked if you held the wires together with pliers, the tires were bald, the headliner drooped, there was a power steering leak, an oil leak and the tags were expired. A few months ago I replaced the distributor wires and the fuel pump to the tune of $1000. The vehicle was only worth about $37 so you can see why I decided that I wasn’t going to spend another dime on it. Two months ago, I paid it off and was LOVING not having a car note. You know what that means…..

Everyone also knows that I procrastinate like no other human on the planet. Baby Girl started school yesterday morning but I hadn’t gotten her registered. Not due to procrastination as I went on the designated registration date but I failed to bring the pint of blood and satellite photo of my home required to get her registered in a Shelby County School. So, at 7am I drove to my office to get the required paperwork so that my child could attend the 3rd grade.

Now, let me preface this with some background from the weekend. Honey and I went loaded up Bug and Baby Girl Sunday morning and went to Church. We took separate vehicles because he had to leave straight from Church and drive to Missouri to take the Bug back to her mother. On the way to Church, the POS started acting up a bit. It would rev to 5000rpms while losing power and dropping my speed to 40mph. After Church, I drove home without incident and chocked it up to the fact that my car is evil and it didn’t want to go to Church. Later on that day I had some errands to run and it did it again (it obviously doesn’t like errand running either). I checked the transmission fluid and it was low so I added some. I checked the oil –it was fine. I checked every fluid I know to check and they were all fine. Baby girl and I continued to run our errands without any more problems so I figured the transmission fluid has worked. WRONG!

I left my house on Monday at 7am so that I could get back before Honey had to leave for work and I could have Baby Girl at the school by 8am (school starts at 9a). I drove to my office with no problems. I ran in and collected the 426 documents required to prove that I still live in the same house I did last year. The same documentation that they copied last year and put in her file. (I guess this means that all that “permanent record following you for life” really is a load of crap) I get back in my car –its 7:10 – I’m doing good. I leave my office and pull onto G’Town Parkway to get on the Interstate. I pulled up to the red light and stopped………..and so did my POS. I tried to crank it but it wouldn’t stay cranked. I started praying, “Please God, it is Monday and about to be rush hour – PLEASE don’t make me be stranded in the middle of G’Town Parkway.” I picked up the phone to call Honey and realized that I’d failed to charge the battery so it was dead. I was now praying harder and repeatedly trying to start my car. I FINALLY got it cranked just as traffic broke and I gunned it. The Jeep lurched forward and I was on the Interstate! Now, this car is bucking me like an unbroken bronco and my max speed is about 50mph. I kept the peddle to the floor the entire ¼ mile to my exit. As I got off the Interstate, it died again but I managed to coast into the BP and park. I get 35 cents out of my purse and walk over to the payphone to call Honey. I put my money in……nothing. I hit the coin return, reinsert my money and still….nothing. I start to have vending machine flashbacks and start to wonder what the penalty is for kicking the crap out of a pay phone. I know you’re not supposed to mess with mailboxes but I’m fairly certain pay phones don’t fall into the same category. Just as I am about to rip the handset out of this stupid box I notice the sticker……….”Local calls 50 cents – no change provided”.

OK – two things puzzled me here. First of all – when did pay phones start costing 50 cents? I was shocked. But what puzzled me the most was “no change provided”. Exactly what kind of coins would you put in a pay phone that costs 50 cents that would require change? I mean, I guess if you had a quarter and 3 dimes you would require change, but how many people don’t have two quarters or a combination of coins that add up to exactly 50 cents? And truthfully, are there really enough people on the planet that have complained about not receiving a nickel’s worth of change to require a disclaimer sticker? To me, if in this day and age, if you are desperate enough to have to use a PUBLIC phone – a nickel really isn’t going to be at the top of your list of concerns.

Back to my story. Honey takes me home but he has to get to work by 8a. I call Nana and ask if I can borrow TJ’s car to take Baby Girl to school. TJ has a Miata that hasn’t been driven in a while because she doesn’t currently have a license. Therefore, the tags on the Miata expired in June. I told Nana that I didn’t care, I would risk a ticket. Now, the Miata doesn’t have air or a radio BUT is has a drop top so we were good to go. Baby Girl was thrilled to be going to school in a convertible. I got her ready, gathered my stuff and out we went to go to school.

I am 5’4” and the Miata is about 2’8”. I opened the door to get in and about broke my neck trying to “break my fall”. I didn’t think my butt was ever going to hit that seat! We cruised to school unencumbered by police and got Baby Girl registered for the 3rd grade. I then went on to my office, praying all the way that no cops pulled up behind me. I mean, what cop is going to buy, “well officer, my POS blew up this morning and even though I’d known for a month when I was supposed to register my child for school, I hadn’t done it so I had to drive an illegal car in order to keep her from missing out on her education. I was trying to protect the tax payers from having to support her when she winds up being an illiterate. Oh, why am I now at work? Well, I have to go to work in order to pay the taxes that support other illiterates whose parents failed to register them for school. Yes sir, I am single handedly trying to break the cycle and stamp out illiteracy.” See what I’m saying……..not a good argument,

30 minutes after I arrive at my office the phone rings and its Honey. He’s bought me a new vehicle and I need to come with him to sign some paperwork. He will be at my office in 10 minutes. I wait and answer some emails, take a few phone calls and wait some more. I finally get the call that he is outside. I walk outside to see my Honey sitting in the passenger seat of a beautiful, white…………JEEP!!!! I almost fell over. He has hated my Jeep since day one and has said 1000 times that I would never own another one but there she sat – pretty as a picture. I drove it back to the lot with him, signed some paperwork and drove back to the office in my new Jeep…….with AIR, working windows, no visor banging me in the head, no headliner drooping and it even has a CD player!!! I drove all the way back to my office with the air on full blast while I repeatedly rolled my windows up and down like some kind of cave person that had never seen such advanced technology.

So, while we are saddened to see the POS go (yeah, right), we are rejoicing in the fact that I now have a REAL vehicle that is safe, clean and cool. We are also grateful to God for allowing me to make it to the BP and not leaving me to die in the middle of G’Town Parkway during rush hour traffic. I’ve learned to make sure my cell phone is ALWAYS charged and to carry exact change for a pay phone “just in case”. But mostly, I am so glad that Baby Girl is now officially a 3rd grader and not roaming the streets, begging for money so that she can get “hooked on phonics”.

Planning My Wedding

2005-08-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

Call off the dogs! I'm not dead just trying to plan my wedding and move 300 people to a new building. I PROMISE I will have a new post this week. Lots has been happening. Bug has been here for 2 weeks and has a new interesting habit. Honey and I had our 1st Anniversary, Baby Girl is getting ready to go back to school and Nugget is in heat AGAIN. Anyway - I swear I will have at least one new post before Friday so quit sending the police to my house.

Directions to the Archives.......

2005-07-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

Someone asked "where are the archives". If you are having trouble finding them.........look on the sidebar to the right of the screen.............now scroll down. Do you see the word Archives? That's them! They are filed by week - start with the earliest date and work your way towards the present.

Don't Forget to Read the Archives

2005-07-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

There are alot of folks checking out this blog now and I wanted to remind everyone to READ THE ARCHIVES! If you like the stories I tell you really need to look at some of the first. The very first post is titled Child Support. Since this is an ongoing saga of my life with my family and neighbors, you have to read the first posts to understand who all of these people are. If you don't check them out you are really missing out on a LOT of funny stuff.

My Honey, Cruise Control & Fried Desserts

2005-07-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

I love My Honey more that words can express but last night……..if I’d been in the same room with him I probably would’ve caught an assault charge.

I’ve told you that Honey drives a beautiful Dodge Ram 1500. I’ve also mentioned that I drive a POS Jeep Grand Cherokee. Now – in case it’s not obvious – Honey is a M-A-N. That means that he feels that certain things are a necessity in a vehicle…..like T.V., satellite radio, a radar detector, room service…….you name it, it’s a necessity. Anyway, last night he was on his way to a job in Arkansas and he called me to let me know that he “was going to have to get a new truck”. I am immediately concerned as I take this to mean that the truck he currently owns has either been stolen or is totaled. I ask if he is ok. “Yes, I’m fine but my cruise control isn’t working”. WHAT!?!?! I listened to him complain about his non-working cruise control for about two minutes without saying a word. He finally said, “Are you there?” Oh yeah – I was there.

I said, “Do you realize that you are talking to a person that drives a 1994 Jeep with bald tires, no air and windows that have to be hot-wired in order to roll them up or down? Not to mention the fact that the clip on my driver’s side visor is broken so every time I turn it smacks me in the head and the shocks on my back hatch don’t work half the time so the door tries to decapitate me every time I open it?!?! And you have the nerve to call me and tell me that YOU need a new vehicle because your CRUISE CONTROL DOESN’T WORK!?!?!? PUSH THE FRUGGIN PEDAL AND QUIT YOUR WHINING!”

For a moment the phone was silent then I heard, “Uhhh, I guess my cruise control isn’t really a big deal in comparison. Besides, I think it’s still under warranty.” OMG – the dang thing is under warranty and he is talking about a new truck……….I said, “You are so pretty and I love you so much” (code for – you are really on my nerves) and hung up the phone.

I called Erin (his sister – the lawyer) to find out what the max sentence for assault was. She said that it would be better if I only batter him because then I would win my torte. Huh? I think Erin was drunk. Here I was talking about physically abusing her brother and all she could think about was some kind of deep fried dessert? I think all of those law classes have finally melted her brain.

2005-07-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

This is Baby Girl's room. I built her a loft so she would have more floor space. I worked for almost a week painting and building it all by myself in colors specified by her. Pretty cool huh?

2005-07-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

Imagine my suprise when I walked in and saw that she had "decorated" her ceiling. These are her hand prints and that's not paint. It's purple SUNSCREEN. You know the kind that is supposed to vanish when rubbed in.....yeah - that only works on skin.

My Name in Print....I Am Somebody Now!

2005-07-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read your Commercial Appeal today - make sure to check out the story on the front page of the M section. It's called Cyberspace Confessional and my little blog here is mentioned. Keep on reading.......maybe on day we will be famous :)

More Pics of the Humans

2005-06-28T11:18:00.001-07:00

We had a Birthday BBQ for Erin at her home last weekend. I wanted to post a few pictures of some more of the stars of this show that I hadn't introduced you to visually yet.

2005-06-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

This is Nelly - can you see why I call him that?

2005-06-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

This is Erin - she is the Princess of whatever Mom is the Queen of.

2005-06-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Mom - she claims to be the Queen of something but we're not exactly sure what.

2005-06-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

Meet Tiger. He is very serious about his cupcakes.

2005-06-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

Fabio REALLY enjoyed the ribs

2005-06-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

Good news kids! Santa delivers no matter where you live - even if it's behind a dumpster. I took this picture on Airways while driving to Erin's Birthday BBQ.

Do YOU Have a Friend Like This?

2005-06-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

All women have that one true friend that will hold her hair when she “gets sick”. But how many of you have a friend that will hold your hair while you pick up poop? Baby girl has that kind of friendship with Prissy. See below.

2005-06-28T10:37:00.001-07:00

Prissy holding Baby Girl's hair, the bag and her breath.