NASTY!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
I Want To Be a Sterotype
I got a really interesting email on Friday. It was a guy from the Commercial Appeal who is doing a story on bloggers in Memphis. He is writing about people that “post details of their lives online and why they do it”. I was really excited – I mean it’s kind of cool to be included in something like that. Although, after speaking to him this morning I realized that I will probably come off as some crazy woman sitting in her darkened, smoke-filled home surrounded by 50 cats with a cigarette hanging out of one side of my mouth, in my housecoat with my knee highs rolled down to my fuzzy slippers, grumbling about how I am surrounded by freaks………HA!!
So, if any of you read it – make sure you don’t judge too quickly. I may blog about you next.
So, if any of you read it – make sure you don’t judge too quickly. I may blog about you next.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Odds and Ends
Nothing major has been happening lately. Baby Girl has been laying low since the “poop incident” so she’s not giving me much material. The neighbors have been relatively quiet but the weekend is coming so I’m SURE I’ll have something good on Monday. In the meantime I thought I would just share a few little things that have happened but don’t really warrant an entire post.
Let’s see……….a few months ago I had a problem with my toilet draining very slowly. Honey and I poured every chemical known to man in it, we plunged, we rammed coat hangers in it, and we even bought an auger and one of those new plungers that shoots CO2 cartridges (literally blowing the crap out of the pipes). None of it worked. I finally gave in and called the plumber. They brought their auger and their plungers and beat on my toilet for about an hour before they came schlepping down the hall with my potty in a plastic bag and out the front door. Needless to say I was mortified when I went outside to see a grown man bent over my toilet in the middle of the front yard in the middle of the day with his crack exposed to the world. Upon investigation they found that a small porcelain shoe had been lodged in there. This would be the porcelain shoe that I told Honey 50 times NOT to set on the back of the toilet because it could fall in.
Cost of shoe - $15
Cost of plumber - $103
Getting to say “I told you so” – Priceless
Last week one of my extremely intelligent technicians locked his keys in his truck………while it was running and he AC was on full blast. Being the stubborn man that he is, he refused to call a locksmith because he had an extra set of keys…….at home…….an hour away. So, his truck ran in the parking lot for 2 ½ hours while he got someone to come pick him up, drive to BFE to get the keys and then back to the office. I bet 30 people knocked on our door to let us know that he’d left his truck running. DUHHH!! I mean, I can see where you might forget to turn your lights off but you don’t just forget to turn the car off……………well, unless you’re this guy.
A few weeks ago Diamond managed to back her Expedition into one of those yellow concrete “barriers” that surround light poles in parking lots. Now, she has recently given birth and she had two boys under two in the vehicle at the time so I can see where she might get distracted. The funny part is – her car has one of those “back-up alerts” that beeps LOUDLY when something is behind the vehicle so that you DON”T HIT IT. When she called and told me about it I asked if the alarm had gone off and she said….and I’m not lying…..”Well yeah but I couldn’t see anything so I thought it was just messing with me”. RIGHT – Ford makes a vehicle with a sense of humor.
Honey has been working at night this week and is getting home between 3:30a and 5a so he’s been sleeping during the day. Yesterday morning when Baby Girl got up I told her to try and be quiet because Daddy was sleeping. Later that afternoon she walks into the kitchen where Honey and I were talking and said, “Hi Daddy, are you awake now?” Bless her heart.
A week or so ago one of my other techs called me at about 7am to let me know he would be late to work that morning because he’d hurt his back……….while hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock. Bless his heart.
Well, that’s really all I have right now. We will be having birthday dinner with Erin, Tiger, Mom and Nelly this weekend so I’m sure Monday will be a great post. Have a great weekend.
Let’s see……….a few months ago I had a problem with my toilet draining very slowly. Honey and I poured every chemical known to man in it, we plunged, we rammed coat hangers in it, and we even bought an auger and one of those new plungers that shoots CO2 cartridges (literally blowing the crap out of the pipes). None of it worked. I finally gave in and called the plumber. They brought their auger and their plungers and beat on my toilet for about an hour before they came schlepping down the hall with my potty in a plastic bag and out the front door. Needless to say I was mortified when I went outside to see a grown man bent over my toilet in the middle of the front yard in the middle of the day with his crack exposed to the world. Upon investigation they found that a small porcelain shoe had been lodged in there. This would be the porcelain shoe that I told Honey 50 times NOT to set on the back of the toilet because it could fall in.
Cost of shoe - $15
Cost of plumber - $103
Getting to say “I told you so” – Priceless
Last week one of my extremely intelligent technicians locked his keys in his truck………while it was running and he AC was on full blast. Being the stubborn man that he is, he refused to call a locksmith because he had an extra set of keys…….at home…….an hour away. So, his truck ran in the parking lot for 2 ½ hours while he got someone to come pick him up, drive to BFE to get the keys and then back to the office. I bet 30 people knocked on our door to let us know that he’d left his truck running. DUHHH!! I mean, I can see where you might forget to turn your lights off but you don’t just forget to turn the car off……………well, unless you’re this guy.
A few weeks ago Diamond managed to back her Expedition into one of those yellow concrete “barriers” that surround light poles in parking lots. Now, she has recently given birth and she had two boys under two in the vehicle at the time so I can see where she might get distracted. The funny part is – her car has one of those “back-up alerts” that beeps LOUDLY when something is behind the vehicle so that you DON”T HIT IT. When she called and told me about it I asked if the alarm had gone off and she said….and I’m not lying…..”Well yeah but I couldn’t see anything so I thought it was just messing with me”. RIGHT – Ford makes a vehicle with a sense of humor.
Honey has been working at night this week and is getting home between 3:30a and 5a so he’s been sleeping during the day. Yesterday morning when Baby Girl got up I told her to try and be quiet because Daddy was sleeping. Later that afternoon she walks into the kitchen where Honey and I were talking and said, “Hi Daddy, are you awake now?” Bless her heart.
A week or so ago one of my other techs called me at about 7am to let me know he would be late to work that morning because he’d hurt his back……….while hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock. Bless his heart.
Well, that’s really all I have right now. We will be having birthday dinner with Erin, Tiger, Mom and Nelly this weekend so I’m sure Monday will be a great post. Have a great weekend.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
They Really Do Exist
I actually had someone ask me recently if all of the people I write about exist. Well, they do and I can prove it. I've uploaded several pictures of some of the real live humans. Now that I know how to post pictures, I will start trying to capture some of the crazy stuff that goes on around here so you can get the full visual experience of what I endure on a daily basis.
Man - I wish I had thought to snap a shot of that orange bag on my roof! Oh well, there's always next time.
Man - I wish I had thought to snap a shot of that orange bag on my roof! Oh well, there's always next time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The Poop Scoop Boogie
I was beginning to think that my life was becoming “normal”. I was starting to search my past to find something interesting to write about. I was trying to remember stories from High School, Church, daycare, and anything that would embarrass my brother when Baby Girl came through for me. Thank Heaven for little girls.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.
Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.
Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….
“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.
I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.
She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.
This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.
So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.
Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.
Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….
“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.
I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.
She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.
This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.
So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Here Kitty Kitty
I mentioned in the last post that I was referring to Harley’s mother as Carol Ann because of her “Poltergeist” quality. Well, it’s also because I don’t know her name. Now, it’s not unusual to meet someone and not catch their name but after the exchange I had with her yesterday, I’m a little weirded out about some of the things I DO know about her and her name is not one of them. Read on………
On Monday afternoon I got a call from TJ to warn me about Carol Ann. She said that when I got home from work to RUN into my house because if she caught me outside I would be trapped for days. She went on to tell me that the woman was NUTS and that we might all just need to pack up and head to her boyfriends house for the week. I appreciated the warning but I was now desperate to meet this person. Everyone, including her own child, was telling me that she was crazy – well I had to see for myself. When will I learn to listen!!
When I got home from work I told Honey about my warnings of Carol Ann. He too was intrigued and we decided we HAD to lure her out of the house so we could experience her first hand. I turned on the radio, Honey started watering our grass and Harley’s hoping it would prompt her to poke her head out and ask who he was. Nothing – no sign of her. Harley called from work to see if she was outside and I told her that the coast was clear. Honey and I sat out on the patio talking, laughing and playing with the dogs until almost 6:30pm – nothing.
At around 7pm, Harley stuck her head out the back door and gave me the International sign for “do you have a beer” and asked, “Do you have any parmesan cheese?” I said, “Why yes I do, it’s in the fridge. Would you like to borrow it?” Harley was halfway down the hill before I could get the words out and through my back door. I handed her a beer and started looking for the cheese. Now, Harley can nurse a glass of wine for an hour but she downed that beer in less than 30 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me what had been going on at her house while she was at work.
Harley is an EMACILATE housekeeper. I mean, no matter when you walk in her house it looks like she is ready for an Interior Design photo shoot. Obviously, she does not get this quality from her mother. While Harley was at work, Carol Ann managed to unhook all of the electronic components in her house, go through every closet and box she could find, drug out movies that had been packed away and unscrewed some light bulbs (not removed them, just loosened them – we don’t know why). She had sifted through every piece of paper, including bills and personal stuff and even sifted through the caller ID until she found the name of a male (that Harley quit seeing months ago) and decided to call him. I thought Harley was going to burst into tears. I rubbed her shoulders, told her to breathe deep, gave her some gum and cheese and sent her back home.
I returned to the patio and was filling Honey in on the “next door activities” when Harley returned to the patio to breathe again. She came over and sat down with us and we reassured her that it wasn’t permanent and she could do anything for a week. That’s when she informed us that Carol Ann is kicking around the idea of buying the house next door to Nana. I made a mental note to buy large quantities of a flammable liquid and a box of matches. Harley was just about calm when we heard her back door open and saw a tuft of white hair stick out. I nudged Honey because I knew we were FINALLY going to get to meet this enigma and I didn’t want him to miss a thing!
When Harley saw her – she literally turned pale. She immediately jumped up and started trying to coax Carol Ann back into the house but it was too late…….she’d spotted Snow and was headed down to pet him. This was going to be fun. Harley looked at me with the most sympathetic look and went back in her house. I immediately started asking about this woman’s trip, hoping to get her to talk to us. WELL – as is turned out, talking is her strong point.
After a brief description of her trip she informed us that she was worried about her kitty. She has a cat that she has raised since he was 3 weeks old and he isn’t used to her not being there. She needed to call and check on him and she hoped that he was adjusting well while she was away. Perfectly normal – right? WRONG!!! In the next breath she informed us that she thought her kitty had a new “lady friend” but that she didn’t think he would know what to do with her because he’s never been around other cats. However, she knows that he has a sex drive because he has a “special blanket” that he hauls all over the house and she’s watches him and “he get a hunk of that blanket in his mouth, starts growling and just goes to town”. Yes folks, you understood that correctly. Not only is her cat a little bit on the repressed side, she seems to enjoy watching he and his “special blanket” do the nasty.
I dare not look at Honey because I know I will completely loose it and laugh at this woman but I can see him out of the corner of my eye and his entire head is turning red and he is looking at the ground.
She then proceeds to tell us how “sometimes at night he crawls up on my chest, squirms around and nuzzles my neck. I know what he’s doing but you just have to let him go because it helps him sleep better”. Again – yes, you understood correctly. Carol Ann is being molested by her cat. And that was it – she turned around and went in the house. Well, at that point Honey LOST it. We were both laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces.
Later on that evening when Harley returned the cheese and downed another beer, Honey recounted the story for her. I thought she was going to die. At that point she banned us from speaking to her mother. We are to completely ignore her if she comes outside. Yeah, right – like that’s going to happen. There is no way that I can have that much free entertainment sitting right next door and not enjoy it. I’ve decided that I’m going to mix up a pitcher of margaritas and sit on the patio and wait. Let me know if you want to stop by.
On Monday afternoon I got a call from TJ to warn me about Carol Ann. She said that when I got home from work to RUN into my house because if she caught me outside I would be trapped for days. She went on to tell me that the woman was NUTS and that we might all just need to pack up and head to her boyfriends house for the week. I appreciated the warning but I was now desperate to meet this person. Everyone, including her own child, was telling me that she was crazy – well I had to see for myself. When will I learn to listen!!
When I got home from work I told Honey about my warnings of Carol Ann. He too was intrigued and we decided we HAD to lure her out of the house so we could experience her first hand. I turned on the radio, Honey started watering our grass and Harley’s hoping it would prompt her to poke her head out and ask who he was. Nothing – no sign of her. Harley called from work to see if she was outside and I told her that the coast was clear. Honey and I sat out on the patio talking, laughing and playing with the dogs until almost 6:30pm – nothing.
At around 7pm, Harley stuck her head out the back door and gave me the International sign for “do you have a beer” and asked, “Do you have any parmesan cheese?” I said, “Why yes I do, it’s in the fridge. Would you like to borrow it?” Harley was halfway down the hill before I could get the words out and through my back door. I handed her a beer and started looking for the cheese. Now, Harley can nurse a glass of wine for an hour but she downed that beer in less than 30 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me what had been going on at her house while she was at work.
Harley is an EMACILATE housekeeper. I mean, no matter when you walk in her house it looks like she is ready for an Interior Design photo shoot. Obviously, she does not get this quality from her mother. While Harley was at work, Carol Ann managed to unhook all of the electronic components in her house, go through every closet and box she could find, drug out movies that had been packed away and unscrewed some light bulbs (not removed them, just loosened them – we don’t know why). She had sifted through every piece of paper, including bills and personal stuff and even sifted through the caller ID until she found the name of a male (that Harley quit seeing months ago) and decided to call him. I thought Harley was going to burst into tears. I rubbed her shoulders, told her to breathe deep, gave her some gum and cheese and sent her back home.
I returned to the patio and was filling Honey in on the “next door activities” when Harley returned to the patio to breathe again. She came over and sat down with us and we reassured her that it wasn’t permanent and she could do anything for a week. That’s when she informed us that Carol Ann is kicking around the idea of buying the house next door to Nana. I made a mental note to buy large quantities of a flammable liquid and a box of matches. Harley was just about calm when we heard her back door open and saw a tuft of white hair stick out. I nudged Honey because I knew we were FINALLY going to get to meet this enigma and I didn’t want him to miss a thing!
When Harley saw her – she literally turned pale. She immediately jumped up and started trying to coax Carol Ann back into the house but it was too late…….she’d spotted Snow and was headed down to pet him. This was going to be fun. Harley looked at me with the most sympathetic look and went back in her house. I immediately started asking about this woman’s trip, hoping to get her to talk to us. WELL – as is turned out, talking is her strong point.
After a brief description of her trip she informed us that she was worried about her kitty. She has a cat that she has raised since he was 3 weeks old and he isn’t used to her not being there. She needed to call and check on him and she hoped that he was adjusting well while she was away. Perfectly normal – right? WRONG!!! In the next breath she informed us that she thought her kitty had a new “lady friend” but that she didn’t think he would know what to do with her because he’s never been around other cats. However, she knows that he has a sex drive because he has a “special blanket” that he hauls all over the house and she’s watches him and “he get a hunk of that blanket in his mouth, starts growling and just goes to town”. Yes folks, you understood that correctly. Not only is her cat a little bit on the repressed side, she seems to enjoy watching he and his “special blanket” do the nasty.
I dare not look at Honey because I know I will completely loose it and laugh at this woman but I can see him out of the corner of my eye and his entire head is turning red and he is looking at the ground.
She then proceeds to tell us how “sometimes at night he crawls up on my chest, squirms around and nuzzles my neck. I know what he’s doing but you just have to let him go because it helps him sleep better”. Again – yes, you understood correctly. Carol Ann is being molested by her cat. And that was it – she turned around and went in the house. Well, at that point Honey LOST it. We were both laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces.
Later on that evening when Harley returned the cheese and downed another beer, Honey recounted the story for her. I thought she was going to die. At that point she banned us from speaking to her mother. We are to completely ignore her if she comes outside. Yeah, right – like that’s going to happen. There is no way that I can have that much free entertainment sitting right next door and not enjoy it. I’ve decided that I’m going to mix up a pitcher of margaritas and sit on the patio and wait. Let me know if you want to stop by.
Carol Ann Arrives
I’ve spoken about my neighbors on several occasions because they are like my family and they provide hours of entertainment. I am very fortunate to have these people in my life as they are wonderful friends and I love them dearly. And being that some of them read this, I will go ahead and extend my olive branch to Harley now. I love you dearly but there is no way I couldn’t tell this story……….hope you will still speak to me.
So Harley has been stressing out for about a week because her 67 year old mother was driving in from California to visit. She has been “warning” us that her mother is an odd bird and that our best bet would be to avoid her. Knowing that Harley sometimes over-stresses about things I just let it go in one ear and out the other. Obviously, I should’ve listened to Harley.
On Sunday night, Harley was making up the guest room and missed a phone call. On her voice mail she got, “Well, I’m here and I’ve had a blow out. Thanks a lot!” Her mother, whom I will call Carol Ann because she has a kind of “Poltergeist” quality, does not have a cell phone so this call came from a pay phone. Now, Harley, being the concerned daughter she is, immediately freaks out because she has no clue how to find her mother. For all she knows, Carol Ann is wandering around on the Interstate somewhere in Downtown Memphis. Harley heads to Nana’s to have a minor panic attack and seek reassurance that her mother will actually arrive at her home in one piece.
Half an hour later, the phone rings again, “Ok, I got it fixed and I’m on my way. This really nice couple stopped and helped me, blah, blah, blah.” Ummmm – excuse me but where ARE you? – was Harley’s reaction. “I’m about an hour and a half outside of Little Rock”. Harley asked if she had already driven through Little Rock. “No”. Ummmm – but the earlier message said “I’m here”. “Yeah, I meant I was here – where I was”. Without completely loosing her cool, Harley is able to tell her to call when she gets to Memphis.
Around 1am the call comes that Carol Ann has reached Memphis and needs directions to the house. Harley asks what happened to the turn-by-turn directions she had emailed her to which her mother replied, “I can’t understand those. Just tell me how to get there”. So, Harley gives her directions again and Carol Ann was back on the road. 15 minutes later the phone rang – it was Carol Ann. She was now at Whitestation and Summer at a gas station and she was lost. Harley asked why she got off the Interstate instead of following her directions and she replied that “nothing looked familiar”. Now, the fact that she’d never been here so nothing SHOULD look familiar never dawned on her. While Harley tried to explain how to get back on the Interstate and continue to her house Carol Ann began yelling at some man pumping gas because his radio was too loud and she couldn’t hear. After 5 more minutes of directions and yelling, Carol Ann hung up and got back on the road. Harley poured a LARGE glass of wine and tried to breathe deeply.
Ten minutes later the phone rang again – it was a Police Officer. He said that he had her mother and he believed she was a DUI. Harley almost came unglued. The officer, not knowing what kind of evening Harley had been having, quickly told her he was kidding and that her mother was just lost because her “daughter gives horrible directions”. He told Harley that he would make sure Carol Ann arrived safely at her house. Harley thanked him, hung up and poured another glass of wine.
At about 2am, Harley is standing on the front porch, phone in hand, waiting for her police escorted parental unit to show up. That’s when she hears her mother’s voice coming from the end of the street. The officer is driving slowly, shining his light on the houses to locate the address. Carol Ann is following behind him with her head hanging out the window yelling, “Are we close? Is that the house? Are we in the Ghetto? Why are there no street lights? Is this the Ghetto?” Harley contemplated going inside and turning out all the lights but instead she waved to the officer and he led Carol Ann right to the driveway. Harley thanked the officer and tried to get her mother in the house. Carol Ann was audibly disappointed that she had “brought a perfectly nice man right to your front door and you don’t even try to talk to him”. Harley to her mother to “get in the house” through gritted teeth, thanked the officer again and tried to find a rock to crawl under.
On Monday morning I saw Harley on the patio where she recounted this story to me. I asked how long her mother would be staying to which she replied “I have no idea – she won’t tell me”. I told her that I would keep cold beverages in my fridge for her (since her mother isn’t allowed around alcohol) and to just knock when she needed a break. Poor thing – if she makes it through this it will be a miracle!
So Harley has been stressing out for about a week because her 67 year old mother was driving in from California to visit. She has been “warning” us that her mother is an odd bird and that our best bet would be to avoid her. Knowing that Harley sometimes over-stresses about things I just let it go in one ear and out the other. Obviously, I should’ve listened to Harley.
On Sunday night, Harley was making up the guest room and missed a phone call. On her voice mail she got, “Well, I’m here and I’ve had a blow out. Thanks a lot!” Her mother, whom I will call Carol Ann because she has a kind of “Poltergeist” quality, does not have a cell phone so this call came from a pay phone. Now, Harley, being the concerned daughter she is, immediately freaks out because she has no clue how to find her mother. For all she knows, Carol Ann is wandering around on the Interstate somewhere in Downtown Memphis. Harley heads to Nana’s to have a minor panic attack and seek reassurance that her mother will actually arrive at her home in one piece.
Half an hour later, the phone rings again, “Ok, I got it fixed and I’m on my way. This really nice couple stopped and helped me, blah, blah, blah.” Ummmm – excuse me but where ARE you? – was Harley’s reaction. “I’m about an hour and a half outside of Little Rock”. Harley asked if she had already driven through Little Rock. “No”. Ummmm – but the earlier message said “I’m here”. “Yeah, I meant I was here – where I was”. Without completely loosing her cool, Harley is able to tell her to call when she gets to Memphis.
Around 1am the call comes that Carol Ann has reached Memphis and needs directions to the house. Harley asks what happened to the turn-by-turn directions she had emailed her to which her mother replied, “I can’t understand those. Just tell me how to get there”. So, Harley gives her directions again and Carol Ann was back on the road. 15 minutes later the phone rang – it was Carol Ann. She was now at Whitestation and Summer at a gas station and she was lost. Harley asked why she got off the Interstate instead of following her directions and she replied that “nothing looked familiar”. Now, the fact that she’d never been here so nothing SHOULD look familiar never dawned on her. While Harley tried to explain how to get back on the Interstate and continue to her house Carol Ann began yelling at some man pumping gas because his radio was too loud and she couldn’t hear. After 5 more minutes of directions and yelling, Carol Ann hung up and got back on the road. Harley poured a LARGE glass of wine and tried to breathe deeply.
Ten minutes later the phone rang again – it was a Police Officer. He said that he had her mother and he believed she was a DUI. Harley almost came unglued. The officer, not knowing what kind of evening Harley had been having, quickly told her he was kidding and that her mother was just lost because her “daughter gives horrible directions”. He told Harley that he would make sure Carol Ann arrived safely at her house. Harley thanked him, hung up and poured another glass of wine.
At about 2am, Harley is standing on the front porch, phone in hand, waiting for her police escorted parental unit to show up. That’s when she hears her mother’s voice coming from the end of the street. The officer is driving slowly, shining his light on the houses to locate the address. Carol Ann is following behind him with her head hanging out the window yelling, “Are we close? Is that the house? Are we in the Ghetto? Why are there no street lights? Is this the Ghetto?” Harley contemplated going inside and turning out all the lights but instead she waved to the officer and he led Carol Ann right to the driveway. Harley thanked the officer and tried to get her mother in the house. Carol Ann was audibly disappointed that she had “brought a perfectly nice man right to your front door and you don’t even try to talk to him”. Harley to her mother to “get in the house” through gritted teeth, thanked the officer again and tried to find a rock to crawl under.
On Monday morning I saw Harley on the patio where she recounted this story to me. I asked how long her mother would be staying to which she replied “I have no idea – she won’t tell me”. I told her that I would keep cold beverages in my fridge for her (since her mother isn’t allowed around alcohol) and to just knock when she needed a break. Poor thing – if she makes it through this it will be a miracle!
Monday, June 13, 2005
WHAT THE ...............
OMG!!!! Michael Jackson found innocent?!?!?
You have GOT to be kidding me!! I am absolutely disgusted with our so called Justice System. The jurors in this case were obviously star-struck by the never ending parade of washed up actors trying to grab another 15 minutes in the spotlight by testifying on his behalf. I wonder how much it cost him to get two out of work actors, who have both been known drug abusers, to say that they weren't molested by Michael? Hmmmmm....... maybe the same ammount it costs to buy a gram of coke and an ounce of weed???? It turns my stomach to think that we live in a society that is so blinded by celebrity that it will allow someone to prey openly on it's children.
I wonder how long it will be before we see pictures of him at Neverland dancing around with a new group of victims? Any parent that allows their child to associate with Michael Jackson so be convicted of ignorance, forced to give up parental rights and their reproductive organs cut out with a butter knife!
You have GOT to be kidding me!! I am absolutely disgusted with our so called Justice System. The jurors in this case were obviously star-struck by the never ending parade of washed up actors trying to grab another 15 minutes in the spotlight by testifying on his behalf. I wonder how much it cost him to get two out of work actors, who have both been known drug abusers, to say that they weren't molested by Michael? Hmmmmm....... maybe the same ammount it costs to buy a gram of coke and an ounce of weed???? It turns my stomach to think that we live in a society that is so blinded by celebrity that it will allow someone to prey openly on it's children.
I wonder how long it will be before we see pictures of him at Neverland dancing around with a new group of victims? Any parent that allows their child to associate with Michael Jackson so be convicted of ignorance, forced to give up parental rights and their reproductive organs cut out with a butter knife!
Vending Machine Violations
Ok – if you know me you know that I have a chemical dependency. Some would even label my affliction as an “addiction” or even go so far as to call me a “junkie”. As I’m sure you’ve all heard a million times, the first step in getting better is to admit you have a problem, so here goes. Hi, my name is Syd and I am a Diet Coke addict. Whew, I feel better already. However, my outlook wasn’t quite so sunny about 15 minutes ago…….
I buy Diet Coke by the 12 pack. When it’s on sale I stock up – there will sometimes be upwards of 5 cases of Diet Coke in my shed. I have a small fridge at work and I usually bring a 12 pack to work so that I don’t have to pay 55 cents a piece for them in the vending machine. I ran out last week and forgot to bring in a new 12 pack so I have been forced to shell out my cash in order to feed my habit since last Thursday (mental note, put friggin cokes in the car when you get home). Now, I don’t mind feeding the vending machine in order to taste that sweet nectar, however, I do expect a few things when I pump in my change. #1 – I expect there to be Diet Coke in the machine. #2 – I expect for the machine to actually dispense my beverage when I press the button. #3 – I expect the machine to give me correct change and #4 – I expect that if none of the above apply for the machine to give me back the exact same amount of money that I put in. It would seem that the company that services our machines (no names but it rhymes with Tartan and starts with an S) does not agree with my expectations.
Last Thursday, I entered the break room to purchase my beloved Diet Coke. I put my dollar in the machine, press the Diet Coke button and ……….nothing. Sold Out scrolled across the little LED panel. Dang it! Now, this is the ONLY machine that has Diet Coke and it only has ONE “spot” for them. I can get every bloomin variety of Dr. Pepper on the planet but there is only one Diet Coke……..whatever. Anyway, I scan the other drink machine and the only thing in it that I can actually fathom drinking is water. Yes, there is a water fountain about 4 steps away but I have to have something to carry back to my office and sit on my coaster. I decide that I can settle for water and I insert my 55 cents (the other machine “changed” my dollar) into this machine and press the Water button and ……..nothing. However this time it wasn’t the machine was out of water – it simply ate my 55 cents. This left me standing there with 45 cents and no friggin drink. I stomp back to my office but not before stopping by the Facilities office to complain. I get back to my office and call one of my techs that was gone to lunch and asked him to bring me a Diet Coke. I guess he has been around long enough to have noticed my addiction because he brought me two.
On Friday, the guy from Facilities came by to let me know that the vending machine guy was there to fix the machines and fill up the Diet Coke “for me” (like I’m the only one that drinks them). Anyway, later in the day I go back to the break room to attempt to get a beverage. I brought a crisp $1 bill with me as not to anger the machine. I inserted my money and pressed the Diet Coke button. The LED scrolled VEND and I heard the beautiful sound of my Diet Coke falling down the shoot. I retrieved my beverage and my change………my 25 cents in change. Huh? $1.00 - $ .55 = $ .25??? Whatever, I had my coke and I cheerfully went back to my office. I went through this 3 more time during the day so I wound up spending $3 on 4 cokes when I could’ve bought a 12 pack for $3.59! I went home for the weekend and didn’t think to tell the Facilities guy or remember to bring a 12 pack to work today.
This morning I went to the break room first thing. I didn’t have correct change so I again spent 75 cents for a beverage. Around noon I needed another fix but this time I was smart. I was going to get Animal Crackers to munch on so I would buy them first and then have correct change for the Coke machine – HA! I passed the Coke machine and hit the snack machine. I inserted my dollar and waited for my credit to appear. A few seconds go buy and I see my dollar slowing coming back out of the slot like it was being rejected. I pulled it out so that I could try again but the end of my dollar was now MISSING. I mean the machine literally ATE my dollar. It was completely jagged and mangled. Needless to say, I lost it! I am standing there yelling at this stupid machine and telling it all about the problems I’d been having with the drink machine in an effort to make it fully understand the magnitude of the situation. Personally I think it was ignoring me as the end of my currency wasn’t returned. However, I am fairly certain that the sandwich machine got the point and will NEVER give me any problems.
From one of the tables, one of the ladies I work with offered me 50 cents. I had my quarter left over from that morning plus a dime and a nickel that I found in my office floor. I took 55 cents and gave her my torn up dollar and my remaining change and stuck it in the Coke machine. It must’ve heard me yelling at the friggin snack machine because it immediately spit out my Diet Coke without hesitation. It also gave me back a QUARTER! So, I flipped it to the kind woman that had afforded me the beverage, thanked her for her kindness, apologized for subjecting her to my hissy fit and returned to my office to vent........and drink my Diet Coke.
Wheeeew – I feel better getting that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I’ve got to run now, one of my guys just informed me that Schnuck’s has 12 packs 4 for $10. Gotta stock up.
I buy Diet Coke by the 12 pack. When it’s on sale I stock up – there will sometimes be upwards of 5 cases of Diet Coke in my shed. I have a small fridge at work and I usually bring a 12 pack to work so that I don’t have to pay 55 cents a piece for them in the vending machine. I ran out last week and forgot to bring in a new 12 pack so I have been forced to shell out my cash in order to feed my habit since last Thursday (mental note, put friggin cokes in the car when you get home). Now, I don’t mind feeding the vending machine in order to taste that sweet nectar, however, I do expect a few things when I pump in my change. #1 – I expect there to be Diet Coke in the machine. #2 – I expect for the machine to actually dispense my beverage when I press the button. #3 – I expect the machine to give me correct change and #4 – I expect that if none of the above apply for the machine to give me back the exact same amount of money that I put in. It would seem that the company that services our machines (no names but it rhymes with Tartan and starts with an S) does not agree with my expectations.
Last Thursday, I entered the break room to purchase my beloved Diet Coke. I put my dollar in the machine, press the Diet Coke button and ……….nothing. Sold Out scrolled across the little LED panel. Dang it! Now, this is the ONLY machine that has Diet Coke and it only has ONE “spot” for them. I can get every bloomin variety of Dr. Pepper on the planet but there is only one Diet Coke……..whatever. Anyway, I scan the other drink machine and the only thing in it that I can actually fathom drinking is water. Yes, there is a water fountain about 4 steps away but I have to have something to carry back to my office and sit on my coaster. I decide that I can settle for water and I insert my 55 cents (the other machine “changed” my dollar) into this machine and press the Water button and ……..nothing. However this time it wasn’t the machine was out of water – it simply ate my 55 cents. This left me standing there with 45 cents and no friggin drink. I stomp back to my office but not before stopping by the Facilities office to complain. I get back to my office and call one of my techs that was gone to lunch and asked him to bring me a Diet Coke. I guess he has been around long enough to have noticed my addiction because he brought me two.
On Friday, the guy from Facilities came by to let me know that the vending machine guy was there to fix the machines and fill up the Diet Coke “for me” (like I’m the only one that drinks them). Anyway, later in the day I go back to the break room to attempt to get a beverage. I brought a crisp $1 bill with me as not to anger the machine. I inserted my money and pressed the Diet Coke button. The LED scrolled VEND and I heard the beautiful sound of my Diet Coke falling down the shoot. I retrieved my beverage and my change………my 25 cents in change. Huh? $1.00 - $ .55 = $ .25??? Whatever, I had my coke and I cheerfully went back to my office. I went through this 3 more time during the day so I wound up spending $3 on 4 cokes when I could’ve bought a 12 pack for $3.59! I went home for the weekend and didn’t think to tell the Facilities guy or remember to bring a 12 pack to work today.
This morning I went to the break room first thing. I didn’t have correct change so I again spent 75 cents for a beverage. Around noon I needed another fix but this time I was smart. I was going to get Animal Crackers to munch on so I would buy them first and then have correct change for the Coke machine – HA! I passed the Coke machine and hit the snack machine. I inserted my dollar and waited for my credit to appear. A few seconds go buy and I see my dollar slowing coming back out of the slot like it was being rejected. I pulled it out so that I could try again but the end of my dollar was now MISSING. I mean the machine literally ATE my dollar. It was completely jagged and mangled. Needless to say, I lost it! I am standing there yelling at this stupid machine and telling it all about the problems I’d been having with the drink machine in an effort to make it fully understand the magnitude of the situation. Personally I think it was ignoring me as the end of my currency wasn’t returned. However, I am fairly certain that the sandwich machine got the point and will NEVER give me any problems.
From one of the tables, one of the ladies I work with offered me 50 cents. I had my quarter left over from that morning plus a dime and a nickel that I found in my office floor. I took 55 cents and gave her my torn up dollar and my remaining change and stuck it in the Coke machine. It must’ve heard me yelling at the friggin snack machine because it immediately spit out my Diet Coke without hesitation. It also gave me back a QUARTER! So, I flipped it to the kind woman that had afforded me the beverage, thanked her for her kindness, apologized for subjecting her to my hissy fit and returned to my office to vent........and drink my Diet Coke.
Wheeeew – I feel better getting that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I’ve got to run now, one of my guys just informed me that Schnuck’s has 12 packs 4 for $10. Gotta stock up.
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