So, I have this nephew, Sparky. He’s almost two years old and is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. He is also going to be a GREAT athlete one day. He has a rocket arm, can even throw a spiral, plays golf, has a great batting stance and his wind up isn’t bad either. One day, I am going to be able to sit in the stands and tell people all about my nephew and how much fun he was as a child. I can’t wait, but I bet my brother can.
You see, right now, Sparky lives in a house with his mother (Diamond) and his half—sister (Diva) along with Z and the new baby (Cranky). I am the nearest relative and baby sit frequently, I have Baby Girl and her friend (Crack Head 2) that is here most of the time. Needless to say, he spends a lot of time with females. Now, Sparky doesn’t talk much – he grunts A LOT but talking really isn’t his thing. He has no need for words, he knows what he wants and he points to it, you get it for him or he will smack you with a golf club – no need to bother with actual words. However, he is EXTREMELY smart. He understands everything you say to him; there is no doubt about it. He pays very close attention and can mimic anything you do. This started to become very apparent several months ago.
When I moved into the same neighborhood as Z & Diamond, Sparky started coming to my house more often. He would follow Baby Girl around and watch what she and her friends were doing. One day, he discovered the bucket of ponytail holders under the sink in Baby Girl’s bathroom. This bucket of little treasures became his favorite toy. Not because they made great sling shots……because they looked pretty in his hair. He would bring me one after the other to put in his hair. There were times when he would be walking around with 6 -8 in his hair at once. Diamond and I thought he looked rather cute. Z, on the other hand, about came unglued. I mean, here is his SON, his namesake, his “lil man” walking around with 6 ponytails in his hair. So, I had to start hiding the bucket in order to calm Z’s fear that I would turn his child into a pansy and Z bought him a set of golf clubs to try and “re-masculate” him.
About the time I took the ponytail holders away, Diva started to cheer competitively. So, she would be at home practicing her cheers and stunts and he would watch. Before long, he was trying to mimic his sister. He almost broke his neck once when she was learning to do a back handspring. It was so cute to watch him try and do what Diva did and Diamond would encourage him to try while Diva “spotted” him. Z bought him a football and a bat.
He discovered outside this year so he’s lost interest in Cheerleading but there was an addition to the house this year which leads me to the BEST part. Cranky was born about a month ago and Diamond is nursing him. As some of you well know, nursing mothers are able to pump additional milk in order to allow others to participate in feeding the baby. Diamond has started this ritual in the evenings so that Z can help with the middle of the night feedings. Sparky thinks that the pump is the coolest thing. Last night I was over there for a bit and Diamond was getting all of her “components” ready for her nightly session. I looked over and Sparky had his shirt pulled up, tucked under his chin and was desperately trying to attach the pump to his chest. I almost wet my pants! I have no idea what Z can buy for this one short of a Monster Truck or machine gun.
So, when he grows up and is employed by some professional sports franchise, I will be sitting up there in the stands, wearing my “Sparky’s Aunt” shirt, holding up my signs, cheering at the top of my lungs and punching the guy next to me saying, “You see that boy over there with the ponytails and pom poms – that’s MY nephew”!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Not Dead, Just Stupid
Well, I didn't get anything posted today because I managed to screw up my browser and it took me all bloomin day to figure out how to fix it. Anyway, I am not dead or sick or any of the other things people have called and asked today because I hadn't posted. I promise to make it up to you tomorrow. CH #1 has her first Cheerleading practice tonight so I'm SURE I'll have somethig good to write about tonight.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Hi, My Name is April Fool
I would like to take a moment to apologize to my brother for the story I am about to post. Only because he knows how much I love him and his family, am I slightly certain that he won’t be angry or offended. However, on the slight off chance that he becomes upset, I am officially begging for his forgiveness in advance.
My brother (we’ll call him Z) has been married for about 5 years. He and his wife (we’re going to call her Diamond) are now raising 3 children. Z has a 9 year old daughter (Diva) from a previous relationship as well as two sons with Diamond. The oldest boy is not quite 2 years old (Sparky) and the youngest was born on April 1st of this year (Cranky).
Now, Diamond had a fairly uneventful pregnancy. She began having contractions about 3 weeks prior to her delivery. I live around the corner from them so I was the designated “come to the house and take care of the kids if labor begins in the middle of the night” person. For 3 weeks, I got a nightly phone call to remind me to take my phone to bed with me “just in case” and I did. Every night I would take my crappy cordless phone and put it on my nightstand, anxiously anticipating the arrival of my new nephew, and every morning I would put the dead phone back on the charger to regenerate for the following evening. It finally rang at about 5:30am on April 1st. I quickly answered, “hello?!?” and on the other end my brother said, “It’s a go”. He was in the Army and sometimes reverts to “soldier speak” when there is a crisis. I said, “I’m on my way” and jumped out of the bed and threw on some clothes.
My Honey, who had also been waiting on this call, says, in a semi-panicked tone, “What do I need to do!” My initial thought was to tell him to get some clean towels and boil some water, but it was really early and I figured the humor would be lost. I told him he needed to get Baby Girl ready to school and put her on the bus, then go to work - I would call with further instructions. He shook his head at me with a look on his face like he was waiting for me to yell “BREAK” and run from a huddle. I ran out the door and headed to Z’s house, I arrived at 5:45am.
On my drive over there, it dawned on me that it was April Fool’s Day. I was about to be REALLY mad until I saw Z standing in the driveway fully dressed and looking a little frazzled. We spoke briefly and he explained that Diamond had been having steady contractions since about 4:30am. I headed into the house to see what I could do to help. I immediately heard Sparky crying through the baby monitor and Diamond trying to “pat” him back to sleep. I went into Sparky’s room and there was Diamond, leaned over his bed, holding her stomach and in obvious pain. She was patting and shushing Sparky but it sounded more like Lamaze breathing than actual shushing. I told her to go get ready and I would take care of my nephew. Z and Diamond load up in the car and head for the hospital, I got Sparky back to sleep and called my mother to let her know what was going on.
At about 6:30am Z calls to tell me that they forgot both the regular and video camera. I told them that I would bring them to the hospital once I took Sparky to the baby sitter’s and got Diva off to school. It was about that time that I realized that Diamond hadn’t packed a bag for the hospital. She had been calling me every night for 3 weeks telling me “I don’t know if I will make it through the night” but it never dawned on her to pack a bag. So, I start looking for her small suitcase and gathering up her clothes and bathroom “stuff”. By this time, Diva is up and getting ready for school and Sparky is still snoring soundly. The phone rings again, it’s Z. It’s 7:45am and he is calling to let me know that they will be doing a C-Section at 9:00am. Now remember, I have the cameras so I HAVE to be there by 9:00 or there will be no pictures of this child being born. I pack Diamond’s bags, grab the cameras, and put them in my car. I get Sparky up and dressed, push Diva out the door for the bus, throw Sparky in the car and head for the baby sitter’s house – its 8:15am.
So, there I am on the Interstate in rush hour traffic, driving like a maniac to drop off Sparky. I arrive at the baby sitter’s at 8:30, and rush in to deliver my nephew. Now, this woman knows that Diamond is in labor and that I have to be at the hospital by 9:00am with the cameras but that doesn’t stop her from talking my bloody head off for 5 minutes. I jump back in the car and head to the hospital. All I know is that for once in my life, I have to be on time and it wasn’t looking good. There is NO quick way to get from the baby sitter’s to the hospital at 8:30am. So, I’m in gridlock on Germantown Parkway, on the phone with my mother, and contemplating the story that I am going to tell the officer that pulls me over. “Yes, sir, I know I was speeding but my brother and his wife are having a baby and I have the camera”, my only hope was for the officer to have children and understand what kind of tragedy it would be to not have those precious pictures of a cottage cheese covered alien for the scrapbook.
I finally hit Poplar and I am in the home stretch……..so I pass the hospital. Yes, I’ve been to this hospital many times but I was under duress and obviously not focusing very well. In my defense, I think Germantown’s rules about keeping all street signs low and of neutral colors should not apply to medical facilities. I think hospitals, especially those that are hidden in the woods, should have HUGE neon signs for idiots like me. Anyway, I take a U-Turn in the middle of Poplar and make it back to the hospital, its 8:50am. Do you think I can find a parking spot………Nooooo! So I drive around the lot, which was designed by some dope smoking moron, and I call my mother. She is outside waiting on me and trying to give me directions to parking spaces only visible to her. I finally find a spot, grab all of the bags and RUN into the hospital – it is 8:55am. I make it to the room with seconds to spare, I am so relieved, I wasn’t late, I didn’t miss them, I’d fulfilled my duties as the Aunt/Servant and delivered the cameras on time. We spent the next 30 minutes, hanging out with Diamond in her room waiting for the doctor to get there. That’s right, 30 minutes, no doctor, heavy labor, lots of heavy breathing (I was out of breath from my journey from the parking lot) waiting and waiting. While we waited, I took pictures of EVERYTHING. I took pictures of Diamond in pain, Z in his blue booties and hair net, the nurses, the fetal monitor, everything. I figured those cameras HAD to be there by 9am, SOMEBODY was going to take some friggin pictures.
They finally took Diamond back to the delivery room and we all went to the waiting room to wait (duh, what else are you supposed to do in the waiting room?). Cranky was born and everyone was healthy. Everyone was thrilled and Z was hungry so I left and went to Wendy’s to get him some food. I returned with the food and was asked to go get Sparky so that he could meet his brother. I obliged. I returned with Sparky, and he ran around the room for a while, ignoring his mother, not at all interested in his brother but pitching an absolute FIT for the many balloons that had been sent by family and friends. By this time, it was time for the school bus to drop off Baby Girl and Diva. Z asked if I would take Sparky back to the baby sitter’s and bring the girls to the hospital to see Cranky. I obliged. I drove back to Z’s house and packed a bag for Sparky, I then drove to my own house and picked up the girls, we all headed to the baby sitter’s to drop off Sparky and then to the hospital. However, it was now like 6pm and the girls were hungry. We stopped at Wendy’s to get more food and arrived at the hospital around 6:30pm. The girls held Cranky for a while, and visited with Diamond and Z and then we left. I headed to a spot about 2 blocks from the baby sitter’s house to drop Diva off with her mother. Baby Girl and I finally arrived home at about 9pm and I was EXHAUSTED.
Now, there is no question that I love my brother and I am crazy about my niece and nephews but I sometimes wonder what would happen if I ever told him no. Would they have made it to the hospital in time? Would there be any pictures of his new born baby? Would his wife have had clean underwear and a toothbrush? Would his other children been left to fend for themselves? Absolutely not because anytime I say no to him, he suckers my mother. For whatever reason, we are incapable of refusing him anything and I have no idea why!! Makes me friggin crazy! Sometimes I just want to ………..oh, wait, my cell phone is ringing, oh, it’s Z, gotta run, he is at work and needs me to bring him a can of Skoal.
My brother (we’ll call him Z) has been married for about 5 years. He and his wife (we’re going to call her Diamond) are now raising 3 children. Z has a 9 year old daughter (Diva) from a previous relationship as well as two sons with Diamond. The oldest boy is not quite 2 years old (Sparky) and the youngest was born on April 1st of this year (Cranky).
Now, Diamond had a fairly uneventful pregnancy. She began having contractions about 3 weeks prior to her delivery. I live around the corner from them so I was the designated “come to the house and take care of the kids if labor begins in the middle of the night” person. For 3 weeks, I got a nightly phone call to remind me to take my phone to bed with me “just in case” and I did. Every night I would take my crappy cordless phone and put it on my nightstand, anxiously anticipating the arrival of my new nephew, and every morning I would put the dead phone back on the charger to regenerate for the following evening. It finally rang at about 5:30am on April 1st. I quickly answered, “hello?!?” and on the other end my brother said, “It’s a go”. He was in the Army and sometimes reverts to “soldier speak” when there is a crisis. I said, “I’m on my way” and jumped out of the bed and threw on some clothes.
My Honey, who had also been waiting on this call, says, in a semi-panicked tone, “What do I need to do!” My initial thought was to tell him to get some clean towels and boil some water, but it was really early and I figured the humor would be lost. I told him he needed to get Baby Girl ready to school and put her on the bus, then go to work - I would call with further instructions. He shook his head at me with a look on his face like he was waiting for me to yell “BREAK” and run from a huddle. I ran out the door and headed to Z’s house, I arrived at 5:45am.
On my drive over there, it dawned on me that it was April Fool’s Day. I was about to be REALLY mad until I saw Z standing in the driveway fully dressed and looking a little frazzled. We spoke briefly and he explained that Diamond had been having steady contractions since about 4:30am. I headed into the house to see what I could do to help. I immediately heard Sparky crying through the baby monitor and Diamond trying to “pat” him back to sleep. I went into Sparky’s room and there was Diamond, leaned over his bed, holding her stomach and in obvious pain. She was patting and shushing Sparky but it sounded more like Lamaze breathing than actual shushing. I told her to go get ready and I would take care of my nephew. Z and Diamond load up in the car and head for the hospital, I got Sparky back to sleep and called my mother to let her know what was going on.
At about 6:30am Z calls to tell me that they forgot both the regular and video camera. I told them that I would bring them to the hospital once I took Sparky to the baby sitter’s and got Diva off to school. It was about that time that I realized that Diamond hadn’t packed a bag for the hospital. She had been calling me every night for 3 weeks telling me “I don’t know if I will make it through the night” but it never dawned on her to pack a bag. So, I start looking for her small suitcase and gathering up her clothes and bathroom “stuff”. By this time, Diva is up and getting ready for school and Sparky is still snoring soundly. The phone rings again, it’s Z. It’s 7:45am and he is calling to let me know that they will be doing a C-Section at 9:00am. Now remember, I have the cameras so I HAVE to be there by 9:00 or there will be no pictures of this child being born. I pack Diamond’s bags, grab the cameras, and put them in my car. I get Sparky up and dressed, push Diva out the door for the bus, throw Sparky in the car and head for the baby sitter’s house – its 8:15am.
So, there I am on the Interstate in rush hour traffic, driving like a maniac to drop off Sparky. I arrive at the baby sitter’s at 8:30, and rush in to deliver my nephew. Now, this woman knows that Diamond is in labor and that I have to be at the hospital by 9:00am with the cameras but that doesn’t stop her from talking my bloody head off for 5 minutes. I jump back in the car and head to the hospital. All I know is that for once in my life, I have to be on time and it wasn’t looking good. There is NO quick way to get from the baby sitter’s to the hospital at 8:30am. So, I’m in gridlock on Germantown Parkway, on the phone with my mother, and contemplating the story that I am going to tell the officer that pulls me over. “Yes, sir, I know I was speeding but my brother and his wife are having a baby and I have the camera”, my only hope was for the officer to have children and understand what kind of tragedy it would be to not have those precious pictures of a cottage cheese covered alien for the scrapbook.
I finally hit Poplar and I am in the home stretch……..so I pass the hospital. Yes, I’ve been to this hospital many times but I was under duress and obviously not focusing very well. In my defense, I think Germantown’s rules about keeping all street signs low and of neutral colors should not apply to medical facilities. I think hospitals, especially those that are hidden in the woods, should have HUGE neon signs for idiots like me. Anyway, I take a U-Turn in the middle of Poplar and make it back to the hospital, its 8:50am. Do you think I can find a parking spot………Nooooo! So I drive around the lot, which was designed by some dope smoking moron, and I call my mother. She is outside waiting on me and trying to give me directions to parking spaces only visible to her. I finally find a spot, grab all of the bags and RUN into the hospital – it is 8:55am. I make it to the room with seconds to spare, I am so relieved, I wasn’t late, I didn’t miss them, I’d fulfilled my duties as the Aunt/Servant and delivered the cameras on time. We spent the next 30 minutes, hanging out with Diamond in her room waiting for the doctor to get there. That’s right, 30 minutes, no doctor, heavy labor, lots of heavy breathing (I was out of breath from my journey from the parking lot) waiting and waiting. While we waited, I took pictures of EVERYTHING. I took pictures of Diamond in pain, Z in his blue booties and hair net, the nurses, the fetal monitor, everything. I figured those cameras HAD to be there by 9am, SOMEBODY was going to take some friggin pictures.
They finally took Diamond back to the delivery room and we all went to the waiting room to wait (duh, what else are you supposed to do in the waiting room?). Cranky was born and everyone was healthy. Everyone was thrilled and Z was hungry so I left and went to Wendy’s to get him some food. I returned with the food and was asked to go get Sparky so that he could meet his brother. I obliged. I returned with Sparky, and he ran around the room for a while, ignoring his mother, not at all interested in his brother but pitching an absolute FIT for the many balloons that had been sent by family and friends. By this time, it was time for the school bus to drop off Baby Girl and Diva. Z asked if I would take Sparky back to the baby sitter’s and bring the girls to the hospital to see Cranky. I obliged. I drove back to Z’s house and packed a bag for Sparky, I then drove to my own house and picked up the girls, we all headed to the baby sitter’s to drop off Sparky and then to the hospital. However, it was now like 6pm and the girls were hungry. We stopped at Wendy’s to get more food and arrived at the hospital around 6:30pm. The girls held Cranky for a while, and visited with Diamond and Z and then we left. I headed to a spot about 2 blocks from the baby sitter’s house to drop Diva off with her mother. Baby Girl and I finally arrived home at about 9pm and I was EXHAUSTED.
Now, there is no question that I love my brother and I am crazy about my niece and nephews but I sometimes wonder what would happen if I ever told him no. Would they have made it to the hospital in time? Would there be any pictures of his new born baby? Would his wife have had clean underwear and a toothbrush? Would his other children been left to fend for themselves? Absolutely not because anytime I say no to him, he suckers my mother. For whatever reason, we are incapable of refusing him anything and I have no idea why!! Makes me friggin crazy! Sometimes I just want to ………..oh, wait, my cell phone is ringing, oh, it’s Z, gotta run, he is at work and needs me to bring him a can of Skoal.
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