This Is a Funny Site

OK - this site is too funny and too true. Click on the title above to get there. There is quite a bit of foul language so if that offends you, don't click the link.

My New Jeep Makes Me Sick

I will be danged if riding around in a vehicle with COLD air hasn't given me a sore throat. I told Honey that the car he bought makes me sick...........he was offended. The way my luck goes, just about the time that my body gets used to having air conditioning the compressor will go out and I will catch Pneumonia.

Cheerleading is Dangerous

Baby Girl sustained her first sports related injury last night. I’ve mentioned that she is cheering for the first time this year and loving it. Well, she has practice on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s from 6 – 7:45p. They are getting ready for football season and all of the girls are working really hard. Baby Girl is the “top” for all stunts because she is the smallest on the squad. Last night, she was formally introduced to the pain of a sports related injury. She didn’t fall off the pyramid or twist and ankle doing jumps. No, my Baby Girl got her hand slammed in a car door after practice.

I arrived to pick her up from practice at 7:45p. I had to talk to the sponsor and get her shoes, socks, mid-drift (huh – she’s 8), drop off $25 for “cheer mom” shirts, $25 for “cheer dad” shirts, $10 for “spirit shirt”, $17 for a decal to stick on my car to let everyone know that I am stupid enough to invest butt loads of money for an 8 year old to cheer and $12 for building rental so that the girls don’t die of heat stroke practicing outside. So, there I was doling out cash and getting the rundown on when she is supposed to wear her cheer shoes when I heard the most blood curdling scream.

I turned around in time to see my daughter clutching her hand and screaming while one of the dads tried to comfort her. I ran (yes, I can run) across the parking lot to find that her hand had been accidentally slammed in the door by one of her teammates. Baby Girl was hysterical! I finally got her to let me look at it and there was a long, deep indention across the top of her right hand that matched the door latch. One of the other moms had the ice from her coke left so I dumped it out and held it on Baby Girl’s hand and started talking to her to calm her down.

Meanwhile – the dad is about to have a breakdown. It was his car door in which her hand got slammed and it was his child that did the slamming. I really thought he was going to cry – he was so concerned and stood there wringing his hands saying, “I am so sorry, I am so sorry”. He had already run and gotten her a bag of ice for her hand and then he carried her to the car. I assured him she would be fine but the poor guy was just so upset.

On the way home she was complaining that she couldn’t move her fingers. Now, the first question I asked her when this happened was if she felt like she was going to throw up – the first sign of a broken bone. She said no. So, the logical side of me that has had more than my share of injuries, knew it wasn’t broken but the mother side of me would rather be safe than sorry. Not to mention that she is a drama queen and I knew that she wasn’t going to believe it wasn’t broken until someone in a white coat told her so. So, I headed to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital with our dripping bag of ice water and checked in at the desk. Baby Girl informed the intake nurse that her hand was broken. We filled out paperwork and had a seat in the waiting room. Baby Girl informed me that she wanted a pink cast – or maybe green to match her uniform. I told her we needed to wait for the doctor to decide. She then informed me that she had gotten the hand brace (stole it from Nana’s yard sale stuff a few weeks ago) because she “saw this coming”. Oh the drama! Anyway, we went to triage and they took her blood pressure with the automatic cuff which she said was cutting her arm off. Good thing we were in a hospital. They gave her a Loratab (sp?) for the “severe pain” and we waited some more and some more and some more. We finally got back to the “room” which was the hallway in the Peds ER and waited some more. While we were there we saw a child with a gash in his head about 5 inches long, another child with a crushed toe getting a cast, a teen come in on a stretcher with a huge wrapping on his leg and blood everywhere, a child getting stitches to a gash on his chest and we listened to another child vomit for 4 hours. The there was us with basically a busted blood vessel and an overactive sense of the dramatic. I really felt kind of stupid sitting there but again – better safe than sorry.

We finally got to go back for x-rays where Baby Girl informed the nurse that her hand was broken and she wanted a pink cast. The nurse told her we would have to wait and see what the doctor said to which she replied, “that’s what my mamma said”. Like, Dang! I guess she got to you too. We finished the x-rays and went back to our hall and waited. FINALLY the doctor came over and told us that her hand wasn’t broken (duh) but that she was going to put her in a sling for a few days and she was on “restrictive duty” until she was pain free. Ummmm – am I the only person that has been watching her use her hand to fluff her pillow, readjust herself on the bench and move it in every direction to get x-rays? I would say she is pain free now but I’m only a mother and I didn’t go to medical school so I’m sure I’m an idiot.

We left the hospital with our sling and our prescription for Loratab. We hadn’t eaten dinner yet so we pulled through McDonald’s to get some food. She said she needed “something easy to eat with my left hand” so instead of her normal Big Mac, she got two hamburgers and an order of fries (which she ate with her right hand). We got home extremely late and she was exhausted. She got in bed and was out in 2 minutes.

This morning, I kept her home from school. Not because of her arm but because she’d only had like 5 hours sleep and she requires at least 10 hours to even function. When she finally emerged from her room, with her sling and her hospital bracelets still on her arm she requested ice cream for breakfast. I explained that she is not sick and her arm isn’t broken so she is NOT having ice cream for breakfast. “Fine – I guess I’ll just have a bagel then” is her response.

I got a call from the mother of the “slammer” to check on Baby Girl. I assured her that everything was fine. She was almost as upset as the dad. She wanted to help pay the bills or something and I told her no that it was an accident and that I have good insurance. So, she got my address so that she can “send her something”. Oh Lord – the child is going to start slamming body parts in doors to get balloons now.

I’m very glad that Baby Girl didn’t sustain a serious injury but I think I would be way more compassionate if she had. I mean I have a really hard time sympathizing with someone who wears a sling for a busted blood vessel. Don’t get me wrong, I know it hurt and I know it scared her and in the moment, I was extremely compassionate and loving. But today…………yeah, the going from romping in the floor and wrestling with the dog to sitting on the couch in a sling propped up on 3 pillows is really starting to get old. When she tells me how much her hand hurts I want so badly to say, “oh yeah, well if you think a smashed hand hurts just wait until you get an episiotomy!” If I make it to her 14th birthday it will be a miracle!

Ding Dong the Jeep is Dead

I am sad to inform you that the POS Jeep is dead. She developed a bad cough over the weekend and succumbed to her disease around 7:20am yesterday. I know she will be missed as she was the source of countless days of amusement for all who knew her. I don’t know if she was in pain but she did go quickly. She will be laid to rest this evening. The family requests that all gifts be sent to the Jeep Electrical Research Foundation.

PARENTAL ADVISORY:
The following is a graphic account of her death. If there are minors in the room, this would be a good time to cover their ears so they don’t think you’ve gone crazy when you start laughing.

As everyone knows the POS Jeep was called that for a reason. It had no air, the side mirror was busted, there was a crack in the windshield, the power windows only worked if you held the wires together with pliers, the tires were bald, the headliner drooped, there was a power steering leak, an oil leak and the tags were expired. A few months ago I replaced the distributor wires and the fuel pump to the tune of $1000. The vehicle was only worth about $37 so you can see why I decided that I wasn’t going to spend another dime on it. Two months ago, I paid it off and was LOVING not having a car note. You know what that means…..

Everyone also knows that I procrastinate like no other human on the planet. Baby Girl started school yesterday morning but I hadn’t gotten her registered. Not due to procrastination as I went on the designated registration date but I failed to bring the pint of blood and satellite photo of my home required to get her registered in a Shelby County School. So, at 7am I drove to my office to get the required paperwork so that my child could attend the 3rd grade.

Now, let me preface this with some background from the weekend. Honey and I went loaded up Bug and Baby Girl Sunday morning and went to Church. We took separate vehicles because he had to leave straight from Church and drive to Missouri to take the Bug back to her mother. On the way to Church, the POS started acting up a bit. It would rev to 5000rpms while losing power and dropping my speed to 40mph. After Church, I drove home without incident and chocked it up to the fact that my car is evil and it didn’t want to go to Church. Later on that day I had some errands to run and it did it again (it obviously doesn’t like errand running either). I checked the transmission fluid and it was low so I added some. I checked the oil –it was fine. I checked every fluid I know to check and they were all fine. Baby girl and I continued to run our errands without any more problems so I figured the transmission fluid has worked. WRONG!

I left my house on Monday at 7am so that I could get back before Honey had to leave for work and I could have Baby Girl at the school by 8am (school starts at 9a). I drove to my office with no problems. I ran in and collected the 426 documents required to prove that I still live in the same house I did last year. The same documentation that they copied last year and put in her file. (I guess this means that all that “permanent record following you for life” really is a load of crap) I get back in my car –its 7:10 – I’m doing good. I leave my office and pull onto G’Town Parkway to get on the Interstate. I pulled up to the red light and stopped………..and so did my POS. I tried to crank it but it wouldn’t stay cranked. I started praying, “Please God, it is Monday and about to be rush hour – PLEASE don’t make me be stranded in the middle of G’Town Parkway.” I picked up the phone to call Honey and realized that I’d failed to charge the battery so it was dead. I was now praying harder and repeatedly trying to start my car. I FINALLY got it cranked just as traffic broke and I gunned it. The Jeep lurched forward and I was on the Interstate! Now, this car is bucking me like an unbroken bronco and my max speed is about 50mph. I kept the peddle to the floor the entire ¼ mile to my exit. As I got off the Interstate, it died again but I managed to coast into the BP and park. I get 35 cents out of my purse and walk over to the payphone to call Honey. I put my money in……nothing. I hit the coin return, reinsert my money and still….nothing. I start to have vending machine flashbacks and start to wonder what the penalty is for kicking the crap out of a pay phone. I know you’re not supposed to mess with mailboxes but I’m fairly certain pay phones don’t fall into the same category. Just as I am about to rip the handset out of this stupid box I notice the sticker……….”Local calls 50 cents – no change provided”.

OK – two things puzzled me here. First of all – when did pay phones start costing 50 cents? I was shocked. But what puzzled me the most was “no change provided”. Exactly what kind of coins would you put in a pay phone that costs 50 cents that would require change? I mean, I guess if you had a quarter and 3 dimes you would require change, but how many people don’t have two quarters or a combination of coins that add up to exactly 50 cents? And truthfully, are there really enough people on the planet that have complained about not receiving a nickel’s worth of change to require a disclaimer sticker? To me, if in this day and age, if you are desperate enough to have to use a PUBLIC phone – a nickel really isn’t going to be at the top of your list of concerns.

Back to my story. Honey takes me home but he has to get to work by 8a. I call Nana and ask if I can borrow TJ’s car to take Baby Girl to school. TJ has a Miata that hasn’t been driven in a while because she doesn’t currently have a license. Therefore, the tags on the Miata expired in June. I told Nana that I didn’t care, I would risk a ticket. Now, the Miata doesn’t have air or a radio BUT is has a drop top so we were good to go. Baby Girl was thrilled to be going to school in a convertible. I got her ready, gathered my stuff and out we went to go to school.

I am 5’4” and the Miata is about 2’8”. I opened the door to get in and about broke my neck trying to “break my fall”. I didn’t think my butt was ever going to hit that seat! We cruised to school unencumbered by police and got Baby Girl registered for the 3rd grade. I then went on to my office, praying all the way that no cops pulled up behind me. I mean, what cop is going to buy, “well officer, my POS blew up this morning and even though I’d known for a month when I was supposed to register my child for school, I hadn’t done it so I had to drive an illegal car in order to keep her from missing out on her education. I was trying to protect the tax payers from having to support her when she winds up being an illiterate. Oh, why am I now at work? Well, I have to go to work in order to pay the taxes that support other illiterates whose parents failed to register them for school. Yes sir, I am single handedly trying to break the cycle and stamp out illiteracy.” See what I’m saying……..not a good argument,

30 minutes after I arrive at my office the phone rings and its Honey. He’s bought me a new vehicle and I need to come with him to sign some paperwork. He will be at my office in 10 minutes. I wait and answer some emails, take a few phone calls and wait some more. I finally get the call that he is outside. I walk outside to see my Honey sitting in the passenger seat of a beautiful, white…………JEEP!!!! I almost fell over. He has hated my Jeep since day one and has said 1000 times that I would never own another one but there she sat – pretty as a picture. I drove it back to the lot with him, signed some paperwork and drove back to the office in my new Jeep…….with AIR, working windows, no visor banging me in the head, no headliner drooping and it even has a CD player!!! I drove all the way back to my office with the air on full blast while I repeatedly rolled my windows up and down like some kind of cave person that had never seen such advanced technology.

So, while we are saddened to see the POS go (yeah, right), we are rejoicing in the fact that I now have a REAL vehicle that is safe, clean and cool. We are also grateful to God for allowing me to make it to the BP and not leaving me to die in the middle of G’Town Parkway during rush hour traffic. I’ve learned to make sure my cell phone is ALWAYS charged and to carry exact change for a pay phone “just in case”. But mostly, I am so glad that Baby Girl is now officially a 3rd grader and not roaming the streets, begging for money so that she can get “hooked on phonics”.