Motherhood and Mental Illness

Any of you ladies have given birth you will remember what it was like to be completely brain dead. I mean, it is as if your brain somehow became attached to the umbilical cord and was delivered along with the baby and discarded with the rest of the useless muck. I used to think it was some kind of cruel joke but I now realize that it is a defense mechanism our brains use to keep us from going insane. Think about it – sleep deprivation, someone screaming in you face that can’t tell you what’s wrong, puke, poop, going for days and weeks without getting to eat hot food. It’s like being in a concentration camp but without the luxury of solitary confinement.

The funny thing is our brain doesn’t only do this soon after the birth of a child. I have found that it can strike at any time. My mother calls these “Senior Moments” but I am not yet ready to have anything “senior”. I prefer “Motherhood Madness” as I am convinced that I would not have these mental problems if I had remained celibate (I knew I should’ve listened to my grandmother).

Let me preface this with letting you know that my Honey is out of town for work. This means that I on my own with all of the kids and dogs………OMG, I miss my Honey!!! Anyway, he left on Sunday morning and we had cheer camp all day in a gym that was about 423 degrees. On Monday, I got Baby Girl up and off to Nana’s and myself off to work. Did I remember to feed her? No – I’ve only fed her breakfast every day of her life for 7 years but for some reason it slipped my mind on this particular morning. I guess it was because I was thinking about all I had to do that day. I needed to make a deposit for Honey, make sure Baby Girl’s uniform was clean for the Redbirds performance that night, buy a video tape for Z’s camera so I can capture the entire 30 second event in living color, dole out all of the tickets for the game to family and friends and make sure she arrived at the stadium no later than 6:15pm. Not to mention that we had made some system changes over the weekend and I was anticipating major fall-out at work. I felt bad that I didn’t feed her but she would surely inform Nana and it would be rectified.

Everything was relatively calm at work – no major issues. At lunchtime I readied myself to run to the bank and Best Buy to pick up the video tape. I go to retrieve my keys from my purse and realize that I can’t find Honey’s money. I’m freaking out because I just KNOW that I put it in an envelope and stuck it in my purse. I bolt out the door and fly home to find it laying on the kitchen table……….where I then remembered that I laid it while I cleaned out the 173 receipts that were wadded up in my purse. I grab the deposit and a Diet Coke and head to the bank. I make the deposit and meander over to KFC to get some lunch. I eat my lunch in the car and drive back to the office…………..forgetting to stop at Best Buy for the tape.

At 4:45p I cut out of work so I can hit Best Buy and still beat traffic on the Interstate – we HAVE to be at the stadium by 6:15 or the Cheerleading Gods will revoke our pom poms! I stand on the aisle where the tapes are and debate over the 5 different kinds that they have. Now, bear in mind, I have written down the exact kind I am supposed to buy but decide that maybe I need to read about all of them just in case there is something better than the manufacturer recommended Hi8 (sometimes being a techie becomes a burden in a time crunch). I finally decide that maybe the manufacturer knows what it’s talking about and I grab a 2 pack or blank tapes and head to the checkout. On my way there, the phone rings – it’s Baby Girl. “Uh, Mama, where are you?” I explain where I am, what I’m doing and that I will be there shortly. She then needs to know where Best Buy is in relation to my office, our house and the friggin International Dateline. While I am trying to explain to her the exact geographical location of the Best Buy, I am digging in my purse to get my wallet and pay for the tapes. NO WALLET!!!! I tell my daughter that I have to go and will be there soon. I hang up and panic. Where could it be!?! It’s PINK – how can you misplace a PINK wallet?!!? I run out to my car only to find it lying in my console – not sure how it got there but I was dang glad to see it. I go back into Best Buy, complete my purchase and RUN to my car. I make it home at 5:20p and yell for Baby Girl to come get dressed.

She gets dressed, I change clothes and put her hair up in the standard “cheer ponytail” complete with her official black ribbon. Prissy knocks on the door (she is going with us) and I throw everyone in the car and away we go – it’s 5:32p. I notice I am about on E and I need cash to park so I whip into the gas station, pump $10 in gas and hit the ATM. Back on the road and it’s only 5:42p – I’m doing good! I maneuver the interstate like a seasoned NASCAR driver and exit on Second Street at exactly 6pm. I manage to remember the directions Mother has given me to the closest parking garage and not get lost. I pay to park and am driving up the garage ramp at 6:11 – 4 minutes to spare – woo hoo!! We get parked, gather all of our stuff, and run to the gate. We enter the park at EXACTLY 6:15 – write it down folks – I was ON TIME!! We make our way to the “designated meeting spot” and find only one other squad member. Obviously I am not the only one who has a job. We wait and wait and wait some more and finally all of our girls (all 7 of them) manage to congregate by 7p (the game starts at 7:05!!!). No problem – I was ON TIME and that’s all I’m focusing on.

All of our invitees arrived – Grandma, OB, Z, Diamond, Cranky and Sparky and we took our seats. At the end of the second inning it came over the PA, “We have a special treat for you tonight. The squads of SYS are going to perform for you on the 1st base line!!” I grabbed the video camera and headed for the wall. All of the girls ran out yelling and screaming and really working the crowd. I spotted Baby Girl and got the camera in focus. I was soooo excited for her and she looked so cute out there doing her little dance. I looked through the view finder and pressed that little red button to record this big moment in her life. Inside the viewfinder I see something flash………”NO TAPE”!!! Son of a ……….I hadn’t put the dang tape in the camera. 15 seconds later is was over and they ran off the field. I returned the camera to the bag along with the 2 unopened tapes and gave it back to my brother and thanked him for the use (lessness) of his camera.

The rest of the game was pretty good. The girls had a ball and I enjoyed spending time with my family. However, in retrospect I probably should’ve had Z play “cameraman” since he is more familiar with the equipment and probably would’ve known that the tape had to actually be put IN the camera in order to capture the images. I guess all those years I was blonde really did do some damage after all. Oh well, ,maybe one day when Baby Girl has children of her own she will understand why there is no video of her self-described “dream come true”. She can explain to her children that it is all her fault that their grandmother was a complete idiot and that one day it will be their fault that she doesn’t have the mental capacity to record their life events for posterity.