Don't you all just KNOW this is going to be the Bean one day!!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Black Friday and Parking Lot Monitors
Those of you who know me are aware that Black Friday is my FAVORITE day of the year. I am addicted to it!! Every year I make my list from the ads, map out my route, plan my strategy, scout out the stores for product location and am up and out of the house by 4am without fail. I do it because I get an incredible high from being able to check off the items on my list. Plus, there is always a possibility that I will get to knock somebody over to get the last Farting Big Bird (or whatever the “big seller” is that year). From 4am to noon those who know me well will not even call me as not to disturb me while I am getting my “fix”. This year was no exception however, this year, I learned something new………..
We have a new baby this year so I was concerned that my poor Honey would be overwhelmed by having Bean, Bug and Baby Girl all in his face at 7am without me there to run interference. I decided that I was going to do a little of my BF (Black Friday) shopping online as most of the items I wanted were advertised as being available online. That would’ve been true if they had thought to increase their bandwidth and/or server space for this occasion and been able to keep their websites up.
I got out of bed at 4:15 (my first sale didn’t start until 5am) and put on a pot of coffee. I got dressed and booted up my computer. I got on Walmart’s site and started loading up my cart so I would be ready for checkout at the 5am sale start time. At 4:55, the site crashed!! I was livid!! I put on my shoes, grabbed my coffee, driver’s license, check card, cigs and phone (true BFer’s do NOT carry a purse on BF) and hopped in my car. “Screw Walmart” I thought, I was headed to Toys R Us.
I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us at exactly 5:06, found a decent parking spot, grabbed my list and my sale ad and ran into the store. There are no baskets but that’s ok, I am only there to get 5 things (a scooter for Bug - $20, 2 Bratz dolls for friends’ kids - $10, 2 DS Lite games for Baby Girl – BOGO) most of them are small so I didn’t need a cart. Plus, I can maneuver better through the crowd if I don’t have a cart. I immediately find the Bratz dolls right inside the door; I grab my two and head to the back for the scooter. I find the scooter with no problem but it’s a little heavier than I anticipated and the box has no handle. I’m still ok though because all I have left is the video games and I am outta there. That’s when my phone rang. I sit my stuff down and dig through my jacket pocket to find my phone. I know it must be an emergency because everyone that KNOWS me would only call if there was an emergency at 5AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!
It was Diamond. “Girl, are you out shopping?” Now this woman has been married to my brother for 7 years – she KNOWS I’m shopping!!! I said, “Yep! I’m at Toys R Us. Whatcha need?” She says, “Oh, nothing, just wanted to see where you were. What are you getting there?” I ran down my list of items (some of which are sitting on the floor so that I can talk on the phone at a COMPLETE STAND STILL). She says, “Look and see if they have the Lizzie McGuire game for GBA for Diva”. I agree and we get off the phone. I continue my journey through 32,174 other idiots that are shopping before dawn in search of video games. I find a medical set that Bug will love for $4 and I grab it. My arms are getting really tired and just as I’m about to head to the front to beg for a cart I spot an empty one “abandoned” in the aisle. I chunk all my stuff in it and begin to maneuver towards electronics to find the games I’m there to get. My phone rings again. Again, I dig through my pockets concerned that someone may have died being as how it is only 5:15AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!
It was Diamond again, “Girl, where are you now?” I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m still at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing, me and Mama are at Khol’s and they don’t have anything I came for………chit chat chit chat” I said, “Well, I’m trying to maneuver my cart through a sea of sleepy people so let me get off the phone.” She says, “Ok. Did you find that game for Diva?” “Not yet, I’m trying to work my way over there now.” Meanwhile, I’m trying desperately to not run into or over anyone with my cart and I’m getting dirty looks from people that seem to say “Get off the dang phone and pay attention to where you’re going”. I said, “Diamond, I really need to get off here before I cause bodily harm to someone.” “Ok girl, I’ll talk to you………..Oh did I tell you that your brother wants a guitar for Christmas? He doesn’t even really know how to play guitar and now he wants a $300 guitar for Christmas!! I told him that I thought it was stupid but if that………(I stopped listening because I managed to ram my cart into a display of Barbies thus drawing even more dirty looks and a few ugly comments). I told her I HAD to go and I would call her back when I left Toys R Us and hung up the phone.
I managed to finally make my way to electronics and started looking for the games. Of course, the ones I came for were all gone but I did manage to find the Lizzie McGuire game and it works for the DS as well so I grabbed two of them - $8 each – and threw them in my cart. I noticed a DS carrying case that I just had to have and put it in my cart - $20. On my way out of electronics I decided to look at the bikes for Baby Girl so I muddled my way all the way to the back of the store (about 15 minutes to get there). While looking at the bikes, I saw something for Z and put it in my cart (I will not say what or how much because he reads this blog). I didn’t like any of the bikes so I decided I was finished and went to get in line. That’s when I got the shock. The END of the line was in the back of the store by the bikes and wrapped around the entire perimeter of the store to the front (about 400 people in front of me). I arrived at the end of the line at 5:45am and positioned my cart behind a young man that had his cart filled with a Dora Kitchen and various other “little girl” things. We were in the middle of “boy toys” and I noticed a sale on toys from the Cars Movie – I grabbed a “Mater” (that’s the tow truck as Baby Girl so graciously informed me later after I referred to it as a dump truck – I haven’t seen the movie) for Cranky - $20 and threw it in my cart.
My phone rang again………guess who……….that’s right, Diamond. It is now 5:50 and I had not talked to her in over 30 minutes – the horror!! “Hey girl, where are you now?” “I’m standing in line at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what was going on. How are the lines there?” I said, “I’m standing behind approximately 400 other idiots in the back of the store near the bikes if that tells you anything.” “Oh my! Well Mama and are still at Khol’s, she’s standing in line holding our place and I’m shopping. I still can’t find anything that I want…..hang on a second” That’s right – she PUT ME ON HOLD! So for the next two minutes I sat there on hold because I am RETARDED!! While I waited for Diamond to come back, the young man in front of me’s wife walked up with two armloads of stuff, dumped it in their basket, turned and disappeared back into the crowd. I kinda of giggled and said, “Looks like you are having a good time”. He explained that his job is to stand in line with the basket and pay for the stuff at the register. He seemed very pleased with himself until I asked, “Where are y’all going after this?” He got the most bewildered look on his face and said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If your wife has you out on Black Friday at 5AM you can be assured this in not the ONLY store you will be standing in line at today”.
About then Diamond got back on the phone and said, “So where are you now?” I almost screamed, “STANDING IN LINE AT TOYS R US!!” To which she replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re leaving Khol’s and heading to Linens-N-Things”. I told her to have fun and got off the phone. The poor guy in front of me says, “Are you being serious about going to other places?” I felt so sorry for him. I just kind of nodded and said, “Sorry”. About 15 minutes later we had moved about 3 steps and his wife showed up with another load of stuff to dump in their basket. This time he said, “Honey, are we going anywhere after we leave here?” in a “please say it isn’t so” voice. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Just to Walmart. I’ll be right back” and she dashed back into the crowd before he could say a word. The look on his face was priceless and I almost wet my pants laughing.
We wound around by the sports equipment and we started to see the “abandoned items pile” of things that people either talked themselves out of or just got tired of waiting and dumped on top of whatever display was close before heading out the door. I found the Miracle on 34th Street DVD and put it in my cart - $15. I got into an interesting conversation with the lady behind me and we decided that they should be handing out biscuits and coffee at the door to make our shopping experience more enjoyable. I rescued a Dora doll whose hair “grows” from the abandoned items pile and put it in my cart - $34. Another 15 minutes passed and we moved another 4 feet. My phone rang again………..guess who………..that’s right!
“Girl, Mom and I are at Linens-N-Things and they don’t have anything I came for. Where are you now?” “STILL standing in line at Toys R Us – Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing. Did I tell you about what Sparky did yesterday?” She then went on for 10 minutes about what all the boys had been doing to drive her nuts (she has 3 under the age of 3………because she is NUTS!!!) I listened for a little while and finally said, “Let me get off the phone so I can pay attention to what I’m doing (standing still takes LOTS of concentration at 6AM). I put my phone back in my pocket, spot some light up spiny thing sitting by itself on an empty shelf so I threw it in my cart (didn’t want it to be lonely) - $5.
At 6:20AM I make it to the front of the line……….where I am directed to a register line!! I wait another 10 minutes and it is finally my turn to check out. I bid farewell to all of my new found friends, pay for the $20 scooter I came for that has somehow now increased to $168, grab my bags and head to the car. The sun is now up and the vultures are swarming the parking lot looking for empty spaces. I take my bags to the car and decide to walk over to Old Navy. I open the front door to grab a smoke for the walk, shut the door and begin to walk away and that’s when I heard it………..
This very shrill, country voice screams, “YOU CAN”T DO THAT!!!” I got excited because I thought I was going to get to see my first fight of the day. I turned around quickly to see what violation had been committed when I realized she was looking (and pointing) at ME. I said, “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” To which she shrieked, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” I said, “Can’t do what?” “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR BAGS IN YOUR CAR AND THEN GO TO ANOTHER STORE!!!!” I was shocked. I was unaware of this new parking lot ordinance and began to look around for the required signage that would indicate this to be true. Again she yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!” Now, keep in mind, I have been up since around 4AM, I have now spent the last hour and a half standing in line and I completely forgot to take my medication this morning which is NOT good news for her. I said, “I don’t know who appointed you the keeper of the parking lot rule book but until I sit my fat @$$ in that drivers seat, crank that bad boy up and back it out, it will sit right there! And if you keep screaming at me like a lunatic I will sit my fat @$$ in the drivers seat, put it in reverse and sit with my foot on the break while I smoke and THEN get out and walk to Old Navy so why don’t you KISS MY @$$!!!!” and I walked away.
I called Honey to inform him that he might have to come get me as there was a strong possibility that all of my tires were going to be flat when I got back from Old Navy. He was quite amused and agreed with me that if a Parking Lot Monitor had been appointed someone should’ve posted a sign and given her some sort of picture ID that would identify her as such.
I shopped at Old Navy for a minute, spent $186 but got a lot of gifts out of the way. I then went to the mall (because I am a drooling idiot) and drove around for about 20 minutes until I found a parking spot. I wandered in the mall for about an hour and managed to get everything I came for. As I slowly headed to my car that was parked at the VERY LAST spot behind Sears I observed this little old man putting bags in his car. I smiled at him as I passed and then I watched him lock his car and head back into the mall. Standing there in the mall parking lot, alone, with my arms loaded down with bags I burst into hysterical laughter. To the point that I almost had to sit down. The little man turned around and said, “Honey, are you alright?” I caught my breath and through my tears said, “You can’t do that”. That poor man looked at me like I was holding a crack pipe and just turned and walked off………..which made me laugh even harder!
I finally got to my car and drove home with all of my great deals feeling satisfied that I had once again beat the retail demon! I relayed my days events to Honey who had met me at the door with my meds (because he KNOWS what it means if I don’t take them) and we both had a few good laughs and started getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the attic.
So, if you are ever brave enough to get out on BF and shop be careful. If you see a middle aged white woman wearing an orange bonnet in a silver Ford Taurus roaming around the parking lot she is not looking for a space. SHE is the parking lot monitor and will call attention to any infraction you commit. I later found out that you can also not sit and wait on a parking spot for longer than 7 seconds without the person behind you honking. You cannot drop off your elderly mother at the door at Target without someone behind you honking and you can never, under any circumstances, stand near your vehicle after loading your bags and carry on a conversation with someone you ran into in Walgreens without having someone yell at you. So, be careful as I’m sure these are just a few of the parking lot rules. I’m going to get online and see if I can find a copy of the actual printed manual and will post it. Until then, watch your step because the monitors are out there and nobody is above reproach.
We have a new baby this year so I was concerned that my poor Honey would be overwhelmed by having Bean, Bug and Baby Girl all in his face at 7am without me there to run interference. I decided that I was going to do a little of my BF (Black Friday) shopping online as most of the items I wanted were advertised as being available online. That would’ve been true if they had thought to increase their bandwidth and/or server space for this occasion and been able to keep their websites up.
I got out of bed at 4:15 (my first sale didn’t start until 5am) and put on a pot of coffee. I got dressed and booted up my computer. I got on Walmart’s site and started loading up my cart so I would be ready for checkout at the 5am sale start time. At 4:55, the site crashed!! I was livid!! I put on my shoes, grabbed my coffee, driver’s license, check card, cigs and phone (true BFer’s do NOT carry a purse on BF) and hopped in my car. “Screw Walmart” I thought, I was headed to Toys R Us.
I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us at exactly 5:06, found a decent parking spot, grabbed my list and my sale ad and ran into the store. There are no baskets but that’s ok, I am only there to get 5 things (a scooter for Bug - $20, 2 Bratz dolls for friends’ kids - $10, 2 DS Lite games for Baby Girl – BOGO) most of them are small so I didn’t need a cart. Plus, I can maneuver better through the crowd if I don’t have a cart. I immediately find the Bratz dolls right inside the door; I grab my two and head to the back for the scooter. I find the scooter with no problem but it’s a little heavier than I anticipated and the box has no handle. I’m still ok though because all I have left is the video games and I am outta there. That’s when my phone rang. I sit my stuff down and dig through my jacket pocket to find my phone. I know it must be an emergency because everyone that KNOWS me would only call if there was an emergency at 5AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!
It was Diamond. “Girl, are you out shopping?” Now this woman has been married to my brother for 7 years – she KNOWS I’m shopping!!! I said, “Yep! I’m at Toys R Us. Whatcha need?” She says, “Oh, nothing, just wanted to see where you were. What are you getting there?” I ran down my list of items (some of which are sitting on the floor so that I can talk on the phone at a COMPLETE STAND STILL). She says, “Look and see if they have the Lizzie McGuire game for GBA for Diva”. I agree and we get off the phone. I continue my journey through 32,174 other idiots that are shopping before dawn in search of video games. I find a medical set that Bug will love for $4 and I grab it. My arms are getting really tired and just as I’m about to head to the front to beg for a cart I spot an empty one “abandoned” in the aisle. I chunk all my stuff in it and begin to maneuver towards electronics to find the games I’m there to get. My phone rings again. Again, I dig through my pockets concerned that someone may have died being as how it is only 5:15AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!
It was Diamond again, “Girl, where are you now?” I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m still at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing, me and Mama are at Khol’s and they don’t have anything I came for………chit chat chit chat” I said, “Well, I’m trying to maneuver my cart through a sea of sleepy people so let me get off the phone.” She says, “Ok. Did you find that game for Diva?” “Not yet, I’m trying to work my way over there now.” Meanwhile, I’m trying desperately to not run into or over anyone with my cart and I’m getting dirty looks from people that seem to say “Get off the dang phone and pay attention to where you’re going”. I said, “Diamond, I really need to get off here before I cause bodily harm to someone.” “Ok girl, I’ll talk to you………..Oh did I tell you that your brother wants a guitar for Christmas? He doesn’t even really know how to play guitar and now he wants a $300 guitar for Christmas!! I told him that I thought it was stupid but if that………(I stopped listening because I managed to ram my cart into a display of Barbies thus drawing even more dirty looks and a few ugly comments). I told her I HAD to go and I would call her back when I left Toys R Us and hung up the phone.
I managed to finally make my way to electronics and started looking for the games. Of course, the ones I came for were all gone but I did manage to find the Lizzie McGuire game and it works for the DS as well so I grabbed two of them - $8 each – and threw them in my cart. I noticed a DS carrying case that I just had to have and put it in my cart - $20. On my way out of electronics I decided to look at the bikes for Baby Girl so I muddled my way all the way to the back of the store (about 15 minutes to get there). While looking at the bikes, I saw something for Z and put it in my cart (I will not say what or how much because he reads this blog). I didn’t like any of the bikes so I decided I was finished and went to get in line. That’s when I got the shock. The END of the line was in the back of the store by the bikes and wrapped around the entire perimeter of the store to the front (about 400 people in front of me). I arrived at the end of the line at 5:45am and positioned my cart behind a young man that had his cart filled with a Dora Kitchen and various other “little girl” things. We were in the middle of “boy toys” and I noticed a sale on toys from the Cars Movie – I grabbed a “Mater” (that’s the tow truck as Baby Girl so graciously informed me later after I referred to it as a dump truck – I haven’t seen the movie) for Cranky - $20 and threw it in my cart.
My phone rang again………guess who……….that’s right, Diamond. It is now 5:50 and I had not talked to her in over 30 minutes – the horror!! “Hey girl, where are you now?” “I’m standing in line at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what was going on. How are the lines there?” I said, “I’m standing behind approximately 400 other idiots in the back of the store near the bikes if that tells you anything.” “Oh my! Well Mama and are still at Khol’s, she’s standing in line holding our place and I’m shopping. I still can’t find anything that I want…..hang on a second” That’s right – she PUT ME ON HOLD! So for the next two minutes I sat there on hold because I am RETARDED!! While I waited for Diamond to come back, the young man in front of me’s wife walked up with two armloads of stuff, dumped it in their basket, turned and disappeared back into the crowd. I kinda of giggled and said, “Looks like you are having a good time”. He explained that his job is to stand in line with the basket and pay for the stuff at the register. He seemed very pleased with himself until I asked, “Where are y’all going after this?” He got the most bewildered look on his face and said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If your wife has you out on Black Friday at 5AM you can be assured this in not the ONLY store you will be standing in line at today”.
About then Diamond got back on the phone and said, “So where are you now?” I almost screamed, “STANDING IN LINE AT TOYS R US!!” To which she replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re leaving Khol’s and heading to Linens-N-Things”. I told her to have fun and got off the phone. The poor guy in front of me says, “Are you being serious about going to other places?” I felt so sorry for him. I just kind of nodded and said, “Sorry”. About 15 minutes later we had moved about 3 steps and his wife showed up with another load of stuff to dump in their basket. This time he said, “Honey, are we going anywhere after we leave here?” in a “please say it isn’t so” voice. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Just to Walmart. I’ll be right back” and she dashed back into the crowd before he could say a word. The look on his face was priceless and I almost wet my pants laughing.
We wound around by the sports equipment and we started to see the “abandoned items pile” of things that people either talked themselves out of or just got tired of waiting and dumped on top of whatever display was close before heading out the door. I found the Miracle on 34th Street DVD and put it in my cart - $15. I got into an interesting conversation with the lady behind me and we decided that they should be handing out biscuits and coffee at the door to make our shopping experience more enjoyable. I rescued a Dora doll whose hair “grows” from the abandoned items pile and put it in my cart - $34. Another 15 minutes passed and we moved another 4 feet. My phone rang again………..guess who………..that’s right!
“Girl, Mom and I are at Linens-N-Things and they don’t have anything I came for. Where are you now?” “STILL standing in line at Toys R Us – Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing. Did I tell you about what Sparky did yesterday?” She then went on for 10 minutes about what all the boys had been doing to drive her nuts (she has 3 under the age of 3………because she is NUTS!!!) I listened for a little while and finally said, “Let me get off the phone so I can pay attention to what I’m doing (standing still takes LOTS of concentration at 6AM). I put my phone back in my pocket, spot some light up spiny thing sitting by itself on an empty shelf so I threw it in my cart (didn’t want it to be lonely) - $5.
At 6:20AM I make it to the front of the line……….where I am directed to a register line!! I wait another 10 minutes and it is finally my turn to check out. I bid farewell to all of my new found friends, pay for the $20 scooter I came for that has somehow now increased to $168, grab my bags and head to the car. The sun is now up and the vultures are swarming the parking lot looking for empty spaces. I take my bags to the car and decide to walk over to Old Navy. I open the front door to grab a smoke for the walk, shut the door and begin to walk away and that’s when I heard it………..
This very shrill, country voice screams, “YOU CAN”T DO THAT!!!” I got excited because I thought I was going to get to see my first fight of the day. I turned around quickly to see what violation had been committed when I realized she was looking (and pointing) at ME. I said, “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” To which she shrieked, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” I said, “Can’t do what?” “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR BAGS IN YOUR CAR AND THEN GO TO ANOTHER STORE!!!!” I was shocked. I was unaware of this new parking lot ordinance and began to look around for the required signage that would indicate this to be true. Again she yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!” Now, keep in mind, I have been up since around 4AM, I have now spent the last hour and a half standing in line and I completely forgot to take my medication this morning which is NOT good news for her. I said, “I don’t know who appointed you the keeper of the parking lot rule book but until I sit my fat @$$ in that drivers seat, crank that bad boy up and back it out, it will sit right there! And if you keep screaming at me like a lunatic I will sit my fat @$$ in the drivers seat, put it in reverse and sit with my foot on the break while I smoke and THEN get out and walk to Old Navy so why don’t you KISS MY @$$!!!!” and I walked away.
I called Honey to inform him that he might have to come get me as there was a strong possibility that all of my tires were going to be flat when I got back from Old Navy. He was quite amused and agreed with me that if a Parking Lot Monitor had been appointed someone should’ve posted a sign and given her some sort of picture ID that would identify her as such.
I shopped at Old Navy for a minute, spent $186 but got a lot of gifts out of the way. I then went to the mall (because I am a drooling idiot) and drove around for about 20 minutes until I found a parking spot. I wandered in the mall for about an hour and managed to get everything I came for. As I slowly headed to my car that was parked at the VERY LAST spot behind Sears I observed this little old man putting bags in his car. I smiled at him as I passed and then I watched him lock his car and head back into the mall. Standing there in the mall parking lot, alone, with my arms loaded down with bags I burst into hysterical laughter. To the point that I almost had to sit down. The little man turned around and said, “Honey, are you alright?” I caught my breath and through my tears said, “You can’t do that”. That poor man looked at me like I was holding a crack pipe and just turned and walked off………..which made me laugh even harder!
I finally got to my car and drove home with all of my great deals feeling satisfied that I had once again beat the retail demon! I relayed my days events to Honey who had met me at the door with my meds (because he KNOWS what it means if I don’t take them) and we both had a few good laughs and started getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the attic.
So, if you are ever brave enough to get out on BF and shop be careful. If you see a middle aged white woman wearing an orange bonnet in a silver Ford Taurus roaming around the parking lot she is not looking for a space. SHE is the parking lot monitor and will call attention to any infraction you commit. I later found out that you can also not sit and wait on a parking spot for longer than 7 seconds without the person behind you honking. You cannot drop off your elderly mother at the door at Target without someone behind you honking and you can never, under any circumstances, stand near your vehicle after loading your bags and carry on a conversation with someone you ran into in Walgreens without having someone yell at you. So, be careful as I’m sure these are just a few of the parking lot rules. I’m going to get online and see if I can find a copy of the actual printed manual and will post it. Until then, watch your step because the monitors are out there and nobody is above reproach.
They Really Like Me!
My little blog here has been awarded a Best Blog in Tennessee award by Tennessee Bloggers (link in heading) . So I guess they like me. They really, really like me!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Beans, Bugs and Bad Behavior
Today was Bean’s two month checkup. She weighs 11 pounds and 15 ounces!!! I told you she was getting fat. Anyway, she is 22 ½ inches long and the doctor says she is doing GREAT!! She was so good, she was wide awake, laughing and “talking” to everyone…….until they stuck her in the leg.
We loaded up Bean and Bug this morning and headed to the doctor for our 9:30am appointment. When we arrived at the doctor, at 9:45am, Bug immediately “NEEDED a drink” because they have a water fountain in the lobby. So, I helped her get a drink and that’s when she noticed that there is also a bathroom in the lobby so of course – she has to pee. I took her in the bathroom and she sat on the potty explaining to me about the sink and how she needed to wash her hands and that the nurse was going to open the door and say our name and we were going to stand on the scale and, and, and……. (I just LOVE this age). We sat there for 5 minutes and I finally said, “Do you really need to potty or was that just a story so you could check out the bathroom?” She says, “It was just a lie”. Gotta love that three year old honesty! So, we got off the potty, washed our hands, dried them with 42 paper towels and headed back to the lobby to sit with Honey and Bean until we are called back. We stopped to get another drink from the water fountain and all seemed well…….. for the moment.
We waited about another 10 minutes and were called back to our room. As soon as the nurse opened the door, Bug took off down the hall and hopped on the scale. I tried to explain to her that we were there for Bean’s checkup but she informed me, with her finger pointed, that, “You HAVE to get on the scale at the Doctor Man’s house”. She was not budging until I weighed her (she’s 33 pounds by the way). That seemed to satisfy her and all seemed well……. for the moment.
We went into our assigned room and the nursed closed the door. Bug immediately started to drag the step stool out from under the exam table and slide it over to the sink because she “NEEDS to wash her hands”. Being that she hadn’t touched anything since she washed her hands 10 minutes ago I told her that she didn’t need to and to put the stool back. This did not bode well with the Bug as the lip immediately shot out and she started to cry saying, “But I love my Daddy”. Now, I’m not sure why she thought that my denial of her playing in the sink in the exam room would somehow indicate to her father that she no longer loved him but it would seem that is how she interpreted it. She wrapped herself around his leg and cried and he picked her up (because he likes it to be quite….and he’s a sucker) loved on her and told her that he loved her. The tears immediately stopped and she got down, went to the exam table and began to drag the stool back over to the sink!! I decided that I didn’t want to listen to the next fit so I let her wash her hands. She dried them with 9 paper towels, asked what everything was on the counter, argued with us when we told her what the objects were and then returned the stool to its place. She was satisfied and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The nurse came in and measured Bean. Bug told her all about how Bean was her baby sister and how she was a big helper and, and, and……. The nurse left and we waited for the doctor to come in. Bug now decided that she needed to be on the exam table too so she climbed up the stool and laid down so that she could talk (in a VERY high pitched tone) to Bean. That lasted for about a minute and then she got down. Then she got back up on the table. Then she got back down. We did this 3 times before I said, “Please stop climbing up and down, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself.” To which she responded by sticking out her lip and crying, “But I love my daddy”. Again, her father is obviously such an idiot that he believes her love for him is directly related to ME telling her “no” therefore, she MUST make sure to voice her love for him every time I correct her. She crawled up in his lap and hugged him as tight as she could and shot me a look that said, “Whatcha gonna do now heifer?” I just rolled my eyes because she was finished pitching her fit and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The doctor came in and examined Bean. Bug stood right up his butt informing him that Bean was HER baby sister and she was a big helper and she can hold her and she can put the Nuk in her mouth, and, and, and…….. The doctor said that everything was cool with Bean, explained about the shots she was going to get and left the room. Bug reached under the exam table and started to drag the stool over to the sink. I told her to put the stool back. She started to climb back up on the table and I told her to get down. She started trying to pull things off the wall and I told her to stop. All of this with no fit so I thought maybe things were getting better………for the moment.
The nurse came back in to administer FOUR shots into my poor baby girl’s legs. I held her hands and talked to her and she smiled at me and laughed and then………the first stick. She screamed bloody murder. The nurse was great and got all 4 shots done lightening fast. I loved on my baby girl and got her dressed and as I reached for a tissue to dry MY tears Honey reached out to pick up the Bean and feed her. I slapped his hand and asked, “WHAT do you think you’re doing?” “Uh, I was going to feed her” he replied. “I don’t THINK so.” I said. I’ll be danged if he thinks I’m going to be the one that holds her down and allows strangers to ram needles into her legs and then HE is going to swoop in and be the hero!! So, I took the bottle, cradled my baby and began to feed her. Honey gathered up all of our stuff and we headed to the lobby so I could finish feeding her before we loaded up in the car. She had calmed down and was happily drinking her bottle and all seemed well………for the moment.
During our exchange about how I was not going to allow Honey to be the good guy, Bug had managed to drag that dang stool over to the sink and was now whining because she had soap on her hands and couldn’t turn on the water. Honey chastised her for going back to wash her hands for the 3rd time in less than an hour (I’m convinced she has OCD) but he turned on the water and helped her rinse off. As she dried her hands on 14 paper towels I informed her that she was LUCKY that Daddy was dealing with her because I would’ve popped her butt because she had been told SEVERAL times not to play around in that sink. Out came the lip but before she could speak I said, “I know, you LOVE your daddy. That’s great – now put on your coat.” She put on her coat and we headed to the lobby. I sat down to finish feeding Bean and Bug informed Honey that she needed a drink but that she could do it all by herself. So, because he is a doting father (and a sucker that will just never learn” he let her get a drink all by herself. The next sound I hear is her crying at the top of her lungs because she had gotten water all over her shirt and somehow down on leg of her pants. Honey tried to comfort her and dry her off (with ONE paper towel) but she wasn’t having it. The next thing I see is Bug pulling her pants down (along with her panties) in the middle of the lobby (that is filled with people) because she (and please hear the whiny voice) “Don’t want to wear cold pants”. Honey told her that she had to keep her clothes on and that the (quarter sized) wet spot would dry soon. To which she replied, “But I LOVE you!” as she tried to pull her pants down again (Lord only KNOWS what the other people in the lobby were thinking). They went back and forth like that for a minute and then Honey announces that they are going to the car to watch The Incredibles, grabbed the diaper bag and Bug and headed out the door.
I finished feeding Bean, strapped her in her seat and headed to the car. We had an uneventful ride home because Bug was watching TV. We got to the house and Honey took Bug in so he could fix her lunch. I got Bean out and took her in to dose her with Tylenol and put her down for a nap (we all know how “shot day” is on a newborn). I answered a few emails and got ready to head to my office. Bug whined about not wanting to eat her lunch “because it was touching” (see – OCD). She finally announced that she was finished so Honey got her out of her chair, I kissed her and she went to her room to take a nap.
I gathered up all my stuff and kissed Honey good-bye. On the monitor we could hear two children sleeping peacefully. I smiled at Honey and wished him luck. He sat down in his chair and turned on his Playstation to try and finish the football game he’s been playing for 3 days. I told him to call if he needed anything and that I would try to come home a little early since the Bean was going to be cranky because of her shots. He smiled and said, “Don’t worry about me Baby, I got this”. I kissed him again and gave him a smile that said, “I’m sure you do” but in my head all I could hear was, “Yeah…….for the moment”.
We loaded up Bean and Bug this morning and headed to the doctor for our 9:30am appointment. When we arrived at the doctor, at 9:45am, Bug immediately “NEEDED a drink” because they have a water fountain in the lobby. So, I helped her get a drink and that’s when she noticed that there is also a bathroom in the lobby so of course – she has to pee. I took her in the bathroom and she sat on the potty explaining to me about the sink and how she needed to wash her hands and that the nurse was going to open the door and say our name and we were going to stand on the scale and, and, and……. (I just LOVE this age). We sat there for 5 minutes and I finally said, “Do you really need to potty or was that just a story so you could check out the bathroom?” She says, “It was just a lie”. Gotta love that three year old honesty! So, we got off the potty, washed our hands, dried them with 42 paper towels and headed back to the lobby to sit with Honey and Bean until we are called back. We stopped to get another drink from the water fountain and all seemed well…….. for the moment.
We waited about another 10 minutes and were called back to our room. As soon as the nurse opened the door, Bug took off down the hall and hopped on the scale. I tried to explain to her that we were there for Bean’s checkup but she informed me, with her finger pointed, that, “You HAVE to get on the scale at the Doctor Man’s house”. She was not budging until I weighed her (she’s 33 pounds by the way). That seemed to satisfy her and all seemed well……. for the moment.
We went into our assigned room and the nursed closed the door. Bug immediately started to drag the step stool out from under the exam table and slide it over to the sink because she “NEEDS to wash her hands”. Being that she hadn’t touched anything since she washed her hands 10 minutes ago I told her that she didn’t need to and to put the stool back. This did not bode well with the Bug as the lip immediately shot out and she started to cry saying, “But I love my Daddy”. Now, I’m not sure why she thought that my denial of her playing in the sink in the exam room would somehow indicate to her father that she no longer loved him but it would seem that is how she interpreted it. She wrapped herself around his leg and cried and he picked her up (because he likes it to be quite….and he’s a sucker) loved on her and told her that he loved her. The tears immediately stopped and she got down, went to the exam table and began to drag the stool back over to the sink!! I decided that I didn’t want to listen to the next fit so I let her wash her hands. She dried them with 9 paper towels, asked what everything was on the counter, argued with us when we told her what the objects were and then returned the stool to its place. She was satisfied and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The nurse came in and measured Bean. Bug told her all about how Bean was her baby sister and how she was a big helper and, and, and……. The nurse left and we waited for the doctor to come in. Bug now decided that she needed to be on the exam table too so she climbed up the stool and laid down so that she could talk (in a VERY high pitched tone) to Bean. That lasted for about a minute and then she got down. Then she got back up on the table. Then she got back down. We did this 3 times before I said, “Please stop climbing up and down, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself.” To which she responded by sticking out her lip and crying, “But I love my daddy”. Again, her father is obviously such an idiot that he believes her love for him is directly related to ME telling her “no” therefore, she MUST make sure to voice her love for him every time I correct her. She crawled up in his lap and hugged him as tight as she could and shot me a look that said, “Whatcha gonna do now heifer?” I just rolled my eyes because she was finished pitching her fit and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The doctor came in and examined Bean. Bug stood right up his butt informing him that Bean was HER baby sister and she was a big helper and she can hold her and she can put the Nuk in her mouth, and, and, and…….. The doctor said that everything was cool with Bean, explained about the shots she was going to get and left the room. Bug reached under the exam table and started to drag the stool over to the sink. I told her to put the stool back. She started to climb back up on the table and I told her to get down. She started trying to pull things off the wall and I told her to stop. All of this with no fit so I thought maybe things were getting better………for the moment.
The nurse came back in to administer FOUR shots into my poor baby girl’s legs. I held her hands and talked to her and she smiled at me and laughed and then………the first stick. She screamed bloody murder. The nurse was great and got all 4 shots done lightening fast. I loved on my baby girl and got her dressed and as I reached for a tissue to dry MY tears Honey reached out to pick up the Bean and feed her. I slapped his hand and asked, “WHAT do you think you’re doing?” “Uh, I was going to feed her” he replied. “I don’t THINK so.” I said. I’ll be danged if he thinks I’m going to be the one that holds her down and allows strangers to ram needles into her legs and then HE is going to swoop in and be the hero!! So, I took the bottle, cradled my baby and began to feed her. Honey gathered up all of our stuff and we headed to the lobby so I could finish feeding her before we loaded up in the car. She had calmed down and was happily drinking her bottle and all seemed well………for the moment.
During our exchange about how I was not going to allow Honey to be the good guy, Bug had managed to drag that dang stool over to the sink and was now whining because she had soap on her hands and couldn’t turn on the water. Honey chastised her for going back to wash her hands for the 3rd time in less than an hour (I’m convinced she has OCD) but he turned on the water and helped her rinse off. As she dried her hands on 14 paper towels I informed her that she was LUCKY that Daddy was dealing with her because I would’ve popped her butt because she had been told SEVERAL times not to play around in that sink. Out came the lip but before she could speak I said, “I know, you LOVE your daddy. That’s great – now put on your coat.” She put on her coat and we headed to the lobby. I sat down to finish feeding Bean and Bug informed Honey that she needed a drink but that she could do it all by herself. So, because he is a doting father (and a sucker that will just never learn” he let her get a drink all by herself. The next sound I hear is her crying at the top of her lungs because she had gotten water all over her shirt and somehow down on leg of her pants. Honey tried to comfort her and dry her off (with ONE paper towel) but she wasn’t having it. The next thing I see is Bug pulling her pants down (along with her panties) in the middle of the lobby (that is filled with people) because she (and please hear the whiny voice) “Don’t want to wear cold pants”. Honey told her that she had to keep her clothes on and that the (quarter sized) wet spot would dry soon. To which she replied, “But I LOVE you!” as she tried to pull her pants down again (Lord only KNOWS what the other people in the lobby were thinking). They went back and forth like that for a minute and then Honey announces that they are going to the car to watch The Incredibles, grabbed the diaper bag and Bug and headed out the door.
I finished feeding Bean, strapped her in her seat and headed to the car. We had an uneventful ride home because Bug was watching TV. We got to the house and Honey took Bug in so he could fix her lunch. I got Bean out and took her in to dose her with Tylenol and put her down for a nap (we all know how “shot day” is on a newborn). I answered a few emails and got ready to head to my office. Bug whined about not wanting to eat her lunch “because it was touching” (see – OCD). She finally announced that she was finished so Honey got her out of her chair, I kissed her and she went to her room to take a nap.
I gathered up all my stuff and kissed Honey good-bye. On the monitor we could hear two children sleeping peacefully. I smiled at Honey and wished him luck. He sat down in his chair and turned on his Playstation to try and finish the football game he’s been playing for 3 days. I told him to call if he needed anything and that I would try to come home a little early since the Bean was going to be cranky because of her shots. He smiled and said, “Don’t worry about me Baby, I got this”. I kissed him again and gave him a smile that said, “I’m sure you do” but in my head all I could hear was, “Yeah…….for the moment”.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Puberty and Punctuation
I’ve got so much that I need to write about to get everyone caught up on the past 7 months but I’ve just GOT to share Baby Girl’s most recent “adventure” first. Let me just say that if and when she ever reads this blog she will probably already have been in therapy for quite some time so I’m not very concerned about the “damage” this post might cause. Baby Girl is becoming a WOMAN……….
So, over the Summer it became very noticeable that Baby Girl’s body was starting to develop. We’ve bought the training bra in order to make sure that her new “additions” are kept in check – she hates it and won’t wear it. I believe this is because she is holding out for the “formed cup” model. That’s right – they now have bras for little people that look like the Wonder Bra with fully formed, padded cups! And we wonder why we are constantly seeing those “To Catch a Predator” shows!?!?
Anyway, about a week ago Baby Girl started complaining that she had some stuff going on “down there”. Well, being that talking about her “down there” isn’t something we normally do – I will admit I was a little uncomfortable. I took her to the doctor to rule out any medical conditions that could be associated with the symptoms she described and she came back with a clean bill of health. So, basically now I’m just screwed trying to figure out how to talk to my 9 year old, which still want’s to watch Scooby Doo all day, what is happening to her body. Like any good parent, I did my research. I got online and searched for answers and I found tons of information about talking to your daughter about puberty. I got home from work that night, went in Baby Girl’s room, sat on the side of her bed, took a deep breath and handed her a piece of paper with a web address for her to check out. I know…..I’m a chicken. Plus, I don’t know what she already knows so I don’t want to just start asking her questions for fear that I will bring up something that she’d never thought about until I opened my big mouth.
So, I sent her to www.kidhealth.org (which is a WONDERFUL site for kids to get information in their own language about all types of stuff they deal with growing up) and she started reading. The more she read the more questions she had which was kind of what I was hoping would happen. I was felling really good about how I’d handled this milestone in her life. We talked about how she needed to wear her training bra. She was disgusted to find out that she would eventually grow hair under her arms and in other areas. She seemed to begin to understand what was going on with her “down there” and the conversation started to taper off when Bean started to fuss for her dinner. I moved into the den and Baby Girl and Honey were still in the kitchen (him cooking and her reading). All of a sudden Baby Girl says, “Oh no – I’m NOT doing that!” I am horrified by this as my first thought is that I didn’t check out the website as thoroughly as I’d thought and she was now being bombarded with porn. Honey walked around so that he could see what she was looking at and said, “You’re not doing what?” “I’m NOT having this period thing!” she replied.
I started to laugh. Partly because I was relieved that she wasn’t looking at a bunch of smut and partly because I knew I was about to get to drop a bomb on her. I said, “Well, Baby Girl, you really don’t have much choice.” I explained about how that’s the way are bodies are made and how getting her period is a sign that she’s growing into a woman. Honey chimes in with, “And once you get your period you have to stay away from boys”. He is SOOO helpful with this kind of stuff. Baby Girl is adamant that she is NOT going to get her period or her question mark or semicolon for that matter and that was FINAL. I told here that she might as well get over it because it’s GOING to happen whether she likes it or not. She puts her hands on her hips and says, “So, how long is this period thing going to last?” I said, “Do you mean each time?” Her eyes got as big a saucers and she says, “What do you mean EACH TIME?!?!” I then had to explain that not only was she going to be cursed with this horrible affliction to her “down there” but that it would reoccur every month. She was not at all happy to hear this. She says, “Every month?!?! Forever?!?!” I tell her that it doesn’t last forever but it was something she was going to have to deal with for many years to come. She asked if I still had to deal with it and I told her unfortunately, yes. She rolled her eyes and said, “Oh GREAT, this thing is going to last until I’m REALLY old!” I thanked her for calling me old but reassured her that it’s really not a big deal and that when it happens we will deal with it.
She seemed to start to wrap her brain around the idea and started to loose some of the defiance and all of a sudden she began to smile. I was concerned because it was that “I’m up to something” smile. She then announces that she guesses it will be ok for her to get her period because then she won’t have to go to school. I informed her that it didn’t work that way, that she didn’t get to stay home from school because she was on her monthly cycle. To which she responded, “But you always say, ‘Unless you have a broken bone, are throwing up or bleeding you’d better get your butt out of bed and get ready for school’ and gave me the biggest “Nah” smile she could muster.
I HATE it when my words come back to bite me in the butt! So, in my future I can foresee lots of dramatic pleas to stay home due to cramps or because the only pants she has clean are white. I just know I will get a monthly call from the school to pick her up because she can never remember when she should “be prepared”. But I think my favorite step in this trip to womanhood is going to be the first time I hear that scream from the bathroom because her Kotex managed to flip sticky side up!
Oh, the joys of raising girls…..anybody looking to adopt?
So, over the Summer it became very noticeable that Baby Girl’s body was starting to develop. We’ve bought the training bra in order to make sure that her new “additions” are kept in check – she hates it and won’t wear it. I believe this is because she is holding out for the “formed cup” model. That’s right – they now have bras for little people that look like the Wonder Bra with fully formed, padded cups! And we wonder why we are constantly seeing those “To Catch a Predator” shows!?!?
Anyway, about a week ago Baby Girl started complaining that she had some stuff going on “down there”. Well, being that talking about her “down there” isn’t something we normally do – I will admit I was a little uncomfortable. I took her to the doctor to rule out any medical conditions that could be associated with the symptoms she described and she came back with a clean bill of health. So, basically now I’m just screwed trying to figure out how to talk to my 9 year old, which still want’s to watch Scooby Doo all day, what is happening to her body. Like any good parent, I did my research. I got online and searched for answers and I found tons of information about talking to your daughter about puberty. I got home from work that night, went in Baby Girl’s room, sat on the side of her bed, took a deep breath and handed her a piece of paper with a web address for her to check out. I know…..I’m a chicken. Plus, I don’t know what she already knows so I don’t want to just start asking her questions for fear that I will bring up something that she’d never thought about until I opened my big mouth.
So, I sent her to www.kidhealth.org (which is a WONDERFUL site for kids to get information in their own language about all types of stuff they deal with growing up) and she started reading. The more she read the more questions she had which was kind of what I was hoping would happen. I was felling really good about how I’d handled this milestone in her life. We talked about how she needed to wear her training bra. She was disgusted to find out that she would eventually grow hair under her arms and in other areas. She seemed to begin to understand what was going on with her “down there” and the conversation started to taper off when Bean started to fuss for her dinner. I moved into the den and Baby Girl and Honey were still in the kitchen (him cooking and her reading). All of a sudden Baby Girl says, “Oh no – I’m NOT doing that!” I am horrified by this as my first thought is that I didn’t check out the website as thoroughly as I’d thought and she was now being bombarded with porn. Honey walked around so that he could see what she was looking at and said, “You’re not doing what?” “I’m NOT having this period thing!” she replied.
I started to laugh. Partly because I was relieved that she wasn’t looking at a bunch of smut and partly because I knew I was about to get to drop a bomb on her. I said, “Well, Baby Girl, you really don’t have much choice.” I explained about how that’s the way are bodies are made and how getting her period is a sign that she’s growing into a woman. Honey chimes in with, “And once you get your period you have to stay away from boys”. He is SOOO helpful with this kind of stuff. Baby Girl is adamant that she is NOT going to get her period or her question mark or semicolon for that matter and that was FINAL. I told here that she might as well get over it because it’s GOING to happen whether she likes it or not. She puts her hands on her hips and says, “So, how long is this period thing going to last?” I said, “Do you mean each time?” Her eyes got as big a saucers and she says, “What do you mean EACH TIME?!?!” I then had to explain that not only was she going to be cursed with this horrible affliction to her “down there” but that it would reoccur every month. She was not at all happy to hear this. She says, “Every month?!?! Forever?!?!” I tell her that it doesn’t last forever but it was something she was going to have to deal with for many years to come. She asked if I still had to deal with it and I told her unfortunately, yes. She rolled her eyes and said, “Oh GREAT, this thing is going to last until I’m REALLY old!” I thanked her for calling me old but reassured her that it’s really not a big deal and that when it happens we will deal with it.
She seemed to start to wrap her brain around the idea and started to loose some of the defiance and all of a sudden she began to smile. I was concerned because it was that “I’m up to something” smile. She then announces that she guesses it will be ok for her to get her period because then she won’t have to go to school. I informed her that it didn’t work that way, that she didn’t get to stay home from school because she was on her monthly cycle. To which she responded, “But you always say, ‘Unless you have a broken bone, are throwing up or bleeding you’d better get your butt out of bed and get ready for school’ and gave me the biggest “Nah” smile she could muster.
I HATE it when my words come back to bite me in the butt! So, in my future I can foresee lots of dramatic pleas to stay home due to cramps or because the only pants she has clean are white. I just know I will get a monthly call from the school to pick her up because she can never remember when she should “be prepared”. But I think my favorite step in this trip to womanhood is going to be the first time I hear that scream from the bathroom because her Kotex managed to flip sticky side up!
Oh, the joys of raising girls…..anybody looking to adopt?
Friday, November 03, 2006
Is There A Doctor In The House??
So – my doctor decides that since I normally have extremely short labors (Baby Girl was born 25 minutes after I got to the hospital) that I should be induced in order to ensure that he was present for the birth……..little did he know.
First of all, Dr. Gyno obviously doesn’t know me very well at all as he ordered me to be at the hospital at 6:30AM. That’s right – 6:30 IN THE MORNING!!! So, before dawn on the morning of September 20th, I double checked my bag to make sure I had everything, made coffee for Honey and waited on Erin and Honey’s Mom to arrive to stay with Baby Girl and Bug. I was not having coffee because the sadistic people that make the rules of childbirth deemed that a PREGNANT woman can’t eat or drink after midnight prior to being induced. Now, I’m not sure how this rule is fair. If I were to go into labor spontaneously, what is the likely hood it would only occur 7 hours after my last meal??? I want to know if they penalize women whose water breaks while they are eating dinner?!?!? Is there some substantial fine they have to pay because if so – I’ve got GREAT insurance and would gladly tack on an additional “ate before labor” fee if it meant I could have my brownie and ice cream at 2am and my coffee in the morning!
But I digress. Erin and Honey’s Mom arrive and I snuck in Baby Girl’s room to give her a kiss and leave her a note I’d written telling her how much I love her and how she will always be my Baby Girl (yeah, I know, it made her cry too). We gather all of our stuff and hop in the car and ride off into the sunrise to become parents. We arrive at the hospital promptly at 6:30am (thanks to Honey – we all know I’m genetically 15 minutes late for everything) and get checked in. I am ushered to a very nice delivery room, told to put on the attractive hospital gown , pee in a cup and make myself comfortable – oh JOY! I do as I’m told and heft my now very lard tail into the not so comfortable bed on which I would later deliver my child. I answer 1000 questions about my medical history, pregnancy history and Civil War History (who knew). It seemed that everyone was very concerned about how much I weighed (a question they usually asked with Honey sitting right next to me). I answered all the questions and they didn’t kick me out so I assume I passed the test. So far, so good.
My nurse, Ms. Wonderful, arrives and hooks me up to a bunch of monitors and an IV. As she is getting everything settled I inform her that I have to pee so she unhooks everything from the monitoring station and drapes it around my neck and I wheel my IV to the bathroom with me………VERY attractive. I waddle back to the awful bed and hoist myself back in, hand Ms. Wonderful my cords and she plugs me back up. Honey is now in the room and is overjoyed to find that the TV is stuck on ESPN (yea!....NOT). My contracts are coming fairly regularly but not very intense and I’m thinking, “Piece of cake”. I am an idiot. After about an hour, my mother arrives. She and Honey sit on the even more comfortable couch and discuss sports. I work the crossword puzzle. My contractions begin to increase in intensity but they are still not so bad.
At around 11am my contractions became extremely intense and were coming one on top of the other. Now, I’d bragged to everyone that I was going to do this with no drugs so imagine my surprise when I said, “Bring me Stadol!” I told my nurse that I really was trying to avoid an epidural but that I would gladly welcome a nice shot of narcotics just to take the edge off. Ms. Wonderful left the room to fetch my “happy shot”. Obviously its standard practice to prepare to give an epidural even if the patient says they don’t want it because………..well, they KNOW we’re lying. So, in comes Ms. Student and her job is to ask me the same 1000 questions about my medical history, pregnancy and Civil War History as everyone else that has walked into the room. Now, at this time I am in CONSTANT pain. I feel like my gut is in a vice and my mother and Honey are still talking about sports. One really big contraction hit and I looked at them and said, “SHHHHH”. I said this because I wanted them to STOP TALKING. My mother interpreted this to mean I wanted them to TALK TO ME! She was commenting on the fact that I must be having a really big contraction when I interrupted her and said, “SHUT THE F*#% UP” and do you know what she did………tried to correct me. She started to inform me that I didn’t need to cuss to which I told her that if she really thought now was the time to correct me she should leave the room (I know, I’m an awful daughter). She picked up her purse and headed to the waiting room (because she KNOWS I’m an awful daughter). Once she left, Honey started to tell me how rude I was to which I shot him a look that said, “Do you want to join her?” and he shut up.
Meanwhile, Ms. Student is waiting on my contractions to pass (like they ever really stopped) to ask me about the barometric pressure and which tastes better – Peter Pan or Jiff. I’d finally lost my patience with her and asked, in a not so polite tone, if all of this was not written down on some other piece of paper that she could COPY OFF OF!!!! I also took this moment to inform her that I’d changed my mind and I wanted the epidural. About two minutes later, Ms. Wonderful entered the room and I also informed her that I’d decided to throw my pride out the window and get pumped full of body numbing fluids. She informs me that they had to get at least half a bag of fluid in me before they could give me the epidural so I told her to, “Hook it up and get to squeezing”.
Within 15 minutes we’d managed to get enough fluid in me to allow for them to administer the epidural. Ms. Student and Mr. Boss enter the room to administer the wonder drugs. Now, I assumed that Mr. Boss, the one with years of experience, would be the one that inserted a 36 inch needle in my back and ran it up my spinal cord…….Oh NOOOOOO. Ms. Student would be the one to possibly paralyze me and I must say, I was MOST excited. She made sure that she announced everything that she was doing so that I could write it in my “Pain Is A B!&@* Journal”. The first thing she did was scrub my back so that no germs could enter my body with the needle. This took about 15 minutes because she is obviously trained to treat everyone as if they were rolling in toxic waste just minutes before entering the hospital. It took her, what seemed like 45 minutes, to finally get the catheter in my back. By this time I have been pushing for 10 minutes and informed Ms. Wonderful to tell Ms. Student to forget it because I was about to deliver. We finally get Ms. Student to move her fanny out of the way and Ms. Wonderful started paging anyone and everyone to come assist in my delivery. At this point, they can’t turn on the epidural so I just wasted the last 45 minutes of my life for nothing!
All of a sudden my room starts filling up with nurses……..but no Dr. Gyno. Honey takes his place at my bedside, holding my hand and coaching me on and still, no Dr. Gyno. I am pushing at this point and I hear a nurse say, “The heart rate is dropping”. Honey is between my bed and the monitoring station that seems to be the command center of my delivery room. I push again and I hear someone say, “The cord is around the neck”. I look at Honey for reassurance and realize the he really isn’t looking at me. It seems that he has been wedged up against my bed with his legs locked in order to stay out of the way of the command center. In an instant, my wonderful husband went from coach to Red Wood and fell over backwards!! That’s right, he PASSED OUT!! The echo from his head hitting the floor stopped everyone in their tracks and all of a sudden HE had 20 medical professionals surrounding him and I was left with Ms. Wonderful to deliver the baby.
Bean was born on the bed with no doctor, no stirrups, no nothing! Someone, I have no idea who, cut the cord and whisked the Bean to the warmer. Meanwhile, I’m laying there with my “business” up in stirrups for the world to see and still no sign of Dr. Gyno. Honey, however, has about 25 people surrounding him to make sure that his brains weren’t scrambled. He is lying on the floor, babbling about how he played football and his sister used to hit him harder than that floor and I’m lying in the bed waiting on someone qualified to “finish the delivery”. At some point I asked one of Honey’s medical team to at LEAST cover me up so that I wasn’t exposed to the world with the rest of my “delivery” flapping in the wind. She obliged with a washcloth that probably covered at least ¼ of what I was trying to conceal!
After about 15 minutes, the doctor on call, Dr. Hysterical, came in. He went to the bathroom to put on his booties because Honey’s medical team had taken up most of the space in the room. He emerged from the bathroom and informed me that he had “sat in pee” (although that is NOT the word he used). Obviously the lovely “container” they put in the toilet to make sure that I was really going to the bathroom during labor (and not just applying lipstick) had not been emptied since my last….ummm….trip. I apologized for his wet rear end but asked if there was anything he could do about “finishing” my delivery. He positioned himself at the end of my bed and informed me that he was going to “put in a stitch just to prove he was there”. Now, I didn’t know whether to be offended or not but at that point I really didn’t care.
About 10 minutes later my mother appears in the room. As soon as she walks in Dr. Hysterical informs her that he has, “sat in pee”. She asks, “Did you deliver the baby?” He says, “Well Hell no.” And she says, “Well then what good are you?” To which he replies, “Not a D@%* bit, but I put in a stitch so I can get paid”. I really wish I’d known about this guy at the beginning of my pregnancy because I’m SURE my office visits would’ve been a lot more fun.
So there you are folks – the delivery story. I know it’s not conventional, there was no soft music, no soothing words from my husband, no low lights and angels singing. Nope, it was a three ring circus, but hey, Bean might as well come into the world knowing that she is destined to live in total chaos. Welcome to the world my precious little girl…..you’re in for a wild ride.
First of all, Dr. Gyno obviously doesn’t know me very well at all as he ordered me to be at the hospital at 6:30AM. That’s right – 6:30 IN THE MORNING!!! So, before dawn on the morning of September 20th, I double checked my bag to make sure I had everything, made coffee for Honey and waited on Erin and Honey’s Mom to arrive to stay with Baby Girl and Bug. I was not having coffee because the sadistic people that make the rules of childbirth deemed that a PREGNANT woman can’t eat or drink after midnight prior to being induced. Now, I’m not sure how this rule is fair. If I were to go into labor spontaneously, what is the likely hood it would only occur 7 hours after my last meal??? I want to know if they penalize women whose water breaks while they are eating dinner?!?!? Is there some substantial fine they have to pay because if so – I’ve got GREAT insurance and would gladly tack on an additional “ate before labor” fee if it meant I could have my brownie and ice cream at 2am and my coffee in the morning!
But I digress. Erin and Honey’s Mom arrive and I snuck in Baby Girl’s room to give her a kiss and leave her a note I’d written telling her how much I love her and how she will always be my Baby Girl (yeah, I know, it made her cry too). We gather all of our stuff and hop in the car and ride off into the sunrise to become parents. We arrive at the hospital promptly at 6:30am (thanks to Honey – we all know I’m genetically 15 minutes late for everything) and get checked in. I am ushered to a very nice delivery room, told to put on the attractive hospital gown , pee in a cup and make myself comfortable – oh JOY! I do as I’m told and heft my now very lard tail into the not so comfortable bed on which I would later deliver my child. I answer 1000 questions about my medical history, pregnancy history and Civil War History (who knew). It seemed that everyone was very concerned about how much I weighed (a question they usually asked with Honey sitting right next to me). I answered all the questions and they didn’t kick me out so I assume I passed the test. So far, so good.
My nurse, Ms. Wonderful, arrives and hooks me up to a bunch of monitors and an IV. As she is getting everything settled I inform her that I have to pee so she unhooks everything from the monitoring station and drapes it around my neck and I wheel my IV to the bathroom with me………VERY attractive. I waddle back to the awful bed and hoist myself back in, hand Ms. Wonderful my cords and she plugs me back up. Honey is now in the room and is overjoyed to find that the TV is stuck on ESPN (yea!....NOT). My contracts are coming fairly regularly but not very intense and I’m thinking, “Piece of cake”. I am an idiot. After about an hour, my mother arrives. She and Honey sit on the even more comfortable couch and discuss sports. I work the crossword puzzle. My contractions begin to increase in intensity but they are still not so bad.
At around 11am my contractions became extremely intense and were coming one on top of the other. Now, I’d bragged to everyone that I was going to do this with no drugs so imagine my surprise when I said, “Bring me Stadol!” I told my nurse that I really was trying to avoid an epidural but that I would gladly welcome a nice shot of narcotics just to take the edge off. Ms. Wonderful left the room to fetch my “happy shot”. Obviously its standard practice to prepare to give an epidural even if the patient says they don’t want it because………..well, they KNOW we’re lying. So, in comes Ms. Student and her job is to ask me the same 1000 questions about my medical history, pregnancy and Civil War History as everyone else that has walked into the room. Now, at this time I am in CONSTANT pain. I feel like my gut is in a vice and my mother and Honey are still talking about sports. One really big contraction hit and I looked at them and said, “SHHHHH”. I said this because I wanted them to STOP TALKING. My mother interpreted this to mean I wanted them to TALK TO ME! She was commenting on the fact that I must be having a really big contraction when I interrupted her and said, “SHUT THE F*#% UP” and do you know what she did………tried to correct me. She started to inform me that I didn’t need to cuss to which I told her that if she really thought now was the time to correct me she should leave the room (I know, I’m an awful daughter). She picked up her purse and headed to the waiting room (because she KNOWS I’m an awful daughter). Once she left, Honey started to tell me how rude I was to which I shot him a look that said, “Do you want to join her?” and he shut up.
Meanwhile, Ms. Student is waiting on my contractions to pass (like they ever really stopped) to ask me about the barometric pressure and which tastes better – Peter Pan or Jiff. I’d finally lost my patience with her and asked, in a not so polite tone, if all of this was not written down on some other piece of paper that she could COPY OFF OF!!!! I also took this moment to inform her that I’d changed my mind and I wanted the epidural. About two minutes later, Ms. Wonderful entered the room and I also informed her that I’d decided to throw my pride out the window and get pumped full of body numbing fluids. She informs me that they had to get at least half a bag of fluid in me before they could give me the epidural so I told her to, “Hook it up and get to squeezing”.
Within 15 minutes we’d managed to get enough fluid in me to allow for them to administer the epidural. Ms. Student and Mr. Boss enter the room to administer the wonder drugs. Now, I assumed that Mr. Boss, the one with years of experience, would be the one that inserted a 36 inch needle in my back and ran it up my spinal cord…….Oh NOOOOOO. Ms. Student would be the one to possibly paralyze me and I must say, I was MOST excited. She made sure that she announced everything that she was doing so that I could write it in my “Pain Is A B!&@* Journal”. The first thing she did was scrub my back so that no germs could enter my body with the needle. This took about 15 minutes because she is obviously trained to treat everyone as if they were rolling in toxic waste just minutes before entering the hospital. It took her, what seemed like 45 minutes, to finally get the catheter in my back. By this time I have been pushing for 10 minutes and informed Ms. Wonderful to tell Ms. Student to forget it because I was about to deliver. We finally get Ms. Student to move her fanny out of the way and Ms. Wonderful started paging anyone and everyone to come assist in my delivery. At this point, they can’t turn on the epidural so I just wasted the last 45 minutes of my life for nothing!
All of a sudden my room starts filling up with nurses……..but no Dr. Gyno. Honey takes his place at my bedside, holding my hand and coaching me on and still, no Dr. Gyno. I am pushing at this point and I hear a nurse say, “The heart rate is dropping”. Honey is between my bed and the monitoring station that seems to be the command center of my delivery room. I push again and I hear someone say, “The cord is around the neck”. I look at Honey for reassurance and realize the he really isn’t looking at me. It seems that he has been wedged up against my bed with his legs locked in order to stay out of the way of the command center. In an instant, my wonderful husband went from coach to Red Wood and fell over backwards!! That’s right, he PASSED OUT!! The echo from his head hitting the floor stopped everyone in their tracks and all of a sudden HE had 20 medical professionals surrounding him and I was left with Ms. Wonderful to deliver the baby.
Bean was born on the bed with no doctor, no stirrups, no nothing! Someone, I have no idea who, cut the cord and whisked the Bean to the warmer. Meanwhile, I’m laying there with my “business” up in stirrups for the world to see and still no sign of Dr. Gyno. Honey, however, has about 25 people surrounding him to make sure that his brains weren’t scrambled. He is lying on the floor, babbling about how he played football and his sister used to hit him harder than that floor and I’m lying in the bed waiting on someone qualified to “finish the delivery”. At some point I asked one of Honey’s medical team to at LEAST cover me up so that I wasn’t exposed to the world with the rest of my “delivery” flapping in the wind. She obliged with a washcloth that probably covered at least ¼ of what I was trying to conceal!
After about 15 minutes, the doctor on call, Dr. Hysterical, came in. He went to the bathroom to put on his booties because Honey’s medical team had taken up most of the space in the room. He emerged from the bathroom and informed me that he had “sat in pee” (although that is NOT the word he used). Obviously the lovely “container” they put in the toilet to make sure that I was really going to the bathroom during labor (and not just applying lipstick) had not been emptied since my last….ummm….trip. I apologized for his wet rear end but asked if there was anything he could do about “finishing” my delivery. He positioned himself at the end of my bed and informed me that he was going to “put in a stitch just to prove he was there”. Now, I didn’t know whether to be offended or not but at that point I really didn’t care.
About 10 minutes later my mother appears in the room. As soon as she walks in Dr. Hysterical informs her that he has, “sat in pee”. She asks, “Did you deliver the baby?” He says, “Well Hell no.” And she says, “Well then what good are you?” To which he replies, “Not a D@%* bit, but I put in a stitch so I can get paid”. I really wish I’d known about this guy at the beginning of my pregnancy because I’m SURE my office visits would’ve been a lot more fun.
So there you are folks – the delivery story. I know it’s not conventional, there was no soft music, no soothing words from my husband, no low lights and angels singing. Nope, it was a three ring circus, but hey, Bean might as well come into the world knowing that she is destined to live in total chaos. Welcome to the world my precious little girl…..you’re in for a wild ride.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
She's Here....
Well, the beaner has arrived! She was born on September 20th at 12:50pm and weighed 6 lbs. 12 oz. and was 18 3/4 inches long. I am currently writing my delivery story and will post it in the next day or two. Just wait - only I could have such an experience! If you think my life was crazy before......oh my! I've posted a picture of her for you all to see and there will be many more to come. Check back soon for the entire saga of her birth.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
He's A Girl!!!
So we went for our 18 week ultrasound on Tuesday. Honey kept telling everyone that was when we were going to see the baby’s “boy parts”. However, because God has a wonderful sense of humor……….he is a girl.
That’s right – our new little bundle of joy is going to be a baby girl. Honey and I are both very excited (at least he says he’s excited…..I’m not really buying it yet). I was actually a little upset that we weren’t having a boy because with the two girls we could really use a change of drama. I was really looking forward to getting to write about 1st football practices and snake handling instead of the same old female drama we encounter on a daily basis. Oh well, I guess I’m just not supposed to be a boy mama. However, Honey is now on the lookout for a pink football because he says the he’s teaching SOMEBODY to play football. So, it looks like this new baby girl is going to be molded into a snake-handling tomboy even if it kills her daddy.
So folk, in September I will be giving birth to another beautiful little girl. At that point Baby Girl will be 9 and Bug will be 3. Hmmmm………I guess that means I’ve got another 18 years of being stupid because just about the time that Baby Girl realizes I’m not an idiot, Bug will be 13 and I will be a drooling moron. By the time Bug is old enough to realize the error of her ways, the new baby will be 15 and I will STILL be stupid. Good Heavens – I’m going to be 52 years old before anyone in my house thinks I am capable of dressing myself and I’m NEVER going to get to go to the bathroom alone again until they put me in a home! What have I done?!?!?!
That’s right – our new little bundle of joy is going to be a baby girl. Honey and I are both very excited (at least he says he’s excited…..I’m not really buying it yet). I was actually a little upset that we weren’t having a boy because with the two girls we could really use a change of drama. I was really looking forward to getting to write about 1st football practices and snake handling instead of the same old female drama we encounter on a daily basis. Oh well, I guess I’m just not supposed to be a boy mama. However, Honey is now on the lookout for a pink football because he says the he’s teaching SOMEBODY to play football. So, it looks like this new baby girl is going to be molded into a snake-handling tomboy even if it kills her daddy.
So folk, in September I will be giving birth to another beautiful little girl. At that point Baby Girl will be 9 and Bug will be 3. Hmmmm………I guess that means I’ve got another 18 years of being stupid because just about the time that Baby Girl realizes I’m not an idiot, Bug will be 13 and I will be a drooling moron. By the time Bug is old enough to realize the error of her ways, the new baby will be 15 and I will STILL be stupid. Good Heavens – I’m going to be 52 years old before anyone in my house thinks I am capable of dressing myself and I’m NEVER going to get to go to the bathroom alone again until they put me in a home! What have I done?!?!?!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Who Taught Honey How To Read???
I have come to the conclusion that I have lost my ever-lovin’ mind! What was I thinking when I agreed to have another child?!?!? I would LOVE to be able to blame it on booze but the truth is we actually sat down and had a long discussion about wanting to add another child to our family. I remember it………I just don’t know WHY I agreed to it.
First, I must preface with the fact that I am very glad that Honey and I are going to have this child. Some people tend to over react and call me telling me how awful I am for calling my kids crack heads and reminding me what a gift they truly are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, YOU take them for about a week and then I’ll add the names YOU call them to this blog. I know that children are a gift from God and I know that they are beautiful blessings and all that. I also know that this blog is here to be HUMOROUS so lighten up.
Now, back to my rant. I have now been pregnant for 13 weeks. My Honey is reading his book like it contains clues to the end of the world. He is driving me NUTS with this book. Almost every sentence he utters these days starts with, “My books says…..”. For example, the other day I got home from work around 6p. I’d had a really long and hard day and just wanted to put on my comfy pants and lay on the couch for a bit. Just as I am about to nod off Honey brings me this cup with some sort of hot liquid in it. I asked, “What is this?”. “Chamomile tea” he replies. “Why?” I asked. “My book says it will help you relax and calm down”. Now, I have to give him points for trying to help me but I’ve never drank chamomile tea and quite frankly, hot tea is not on my list of things I would like to consume. I smiled and said, “Thank you baby but I really don’t think I want it”. “You need to drink it” he says, “it will help you relax”. Now, please remember that I was about to FALL ASLEEP when he brought me this steaming cup of God knows what that I DID NOT even ask for. I smiled again and gently said, “I’m not tense, I just want to lay here for a few minutes and then I will be just fine”. Honey smiled back at me and said, “My book says that you need to get plenty of rest and that this tea will help you to calm down after a hard day. You should really drink it. I put honey and sugar in it and I really think you will like it”. Now, if I was to drink ICED tea, I would drink it UNSWEET so why on Earth would he think that putting SUGAR AND HONEY in this tea would be at all appealing to me is completely beyond me. On top of that, he does not seem to be getting my hints that all I really want to do is lay on the couch UNDISTURBED. I looked up at him sweetly and said, “I really don’t think I want the tea but thank you anyway” to which he replied, “my books says….” At which point I cut him off and said in my sweetest tone, “Baby, I really don’t give a flying flip what your book says now just let me LAY HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES!!!!” With that he went back into the kitchen and poured out the bubbling brew he had so lovingly prepared for his beast of a wife all the while mumbling something about how I’d bought the stupid book and if I wasn’t careful I’d be eating it for dinner.
Now, don’t forget, I LOVE my husband but I just could not let this slide. I yelled from the couch, “Oh YEAH! Well, it’s YOUR fault I had to buy YOU the stupid book in the first place!” Didn’t make a lot of sense but I felt better because I got the last word. I laid my head back down and FINALLY began to nod off. About an hour later I awoke to a soft kiss on my cheek and my wonderful husband standing over me holding my dinner plate. He had made my favorite meal; meatloaf, mashed potatoes and English peas and had brought it to me on a tray in the den so I could watch American Idol while I ate. I thanked him and told him I was sorry that I had been just a grouch. I went on to tell him that I was very lucky to have such a wonderful husband and that I should tell him more often how much I appreciate him. At that point I started to bawl because I realized, in all of my hormonal wisdom, that I was the luckiest (sniff) woman (sniff, sniff) on the whole planet. The more I cried the more he smiled (which kind of irritated me). Through my snot and tears I asked him why he was smiling at me when I had been such a troll. Do you know what he said? “Well, my books says………..”
I swear, I’m going to set that dang book on fire – probably after I shove it up his tail!!!
First, I must preface with the fact that I am very glad that Honey and I are going to have this child. Some people tend to over react and call me telling me how awful I am for calling my kids crack heads and reminding me what a gift they truly are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, YOU take them for about a week and then I’ll add the names YOU call them to this blog. I know that children are a gift from God and I know that they are beautiful blessings and all that. I also know that this blog is here to be HUMOROUS so lighten up.
Now, back to my rant. I have now been pregnant for 13 weeks. My Honey is reading his book like it contains clues to the end of the world. He is driving me NUTS with this book. Almost every sentence he utters these days starts with, “My books says…..”. For example, the other day I got home from work around 6p. I’d had a really long and hard day and just wanted to put on my comfy pants and lay on the couch for a bit. Just as I am about to nod off Honey brings me this cup with some sort of hot liquid in it. I asked, “What is this?”. “Chamomile tea” he replies. “Why?” I asked. “My book says it will help you relax and calm down”. Now, I have to give him points for trying to help me but I’ve never drank chamomile tea and quite frankly, hot tea is not on my list of things I would like to consume. I smiled and said, “Thank you baby but I really don’t think I want it”. “You need to drink it” he says, “it will help you relax”. Now, please remember that I was about to FALL ASLEEP when he brought me this steaming cup of God knows what that I DID NOT even ask for. I smiled again and gently said, “I’m not tense, I just want to lay here for a few minutes and then I will be just fine”. Honey smiled back at me and said, “My book says that you need to get plenty of rest and that this tea will help you to calm down after a hard day. You should really drink it. I put honey and sugar in it and I really think you will like it”. Now, if I was to drink ICED tea, I would drink it UNSWEET so why on Earth would he think that putting SUGAR AND HONEY in this tea would be at all appealing to me is completely beyond me. On top of that, he does not seem to be getting my hints that all I really want to do is lay on the couch UNDISTURBED. I looked up at him sweetly and said, “I really don’t think I want the tea but thank you anyway” to which he replied, “my books says….” At which point I cut him off and said in my sweetest tone, “Baby, I really don’t give a flying flip what your book says now just let me LAY HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES!!!!” With that he went back into the kitchen and poured out the bubbling brew he had so lovingly prepared for his beast of a wife all the while mumbling something about how I’d bought the stupid book and if I wasn’t careful I’d be eating it for dinner.
Now, don’t forget, I LOVE my husband but I just could not let this slide. I yelled from the couch, “Oh YEAH! Well, it’s YOUR fault I had to buy YOU the stupid book in the first place!” Didn’t make a lot of sense but I felt better because I got the last word. I laid my head back down and FINALLY began to nod off. About an hour later I awoke to a soft kiss on my cheek and my wonderful husband standing over me holding my dinner plate. He had made my favorite meal; meatloaf, mashed potatoes and English peas and had brought it to me on a tray in the den so I could watch American Idol while I ate. I thanked him and told him I was sorry that I had been just a grouch. I went on to tell him that I was very lucky to have such a wonderful husband and that I should tell him more often how much I appreciate him. At that point I started to bawl because I realized, in all of my hormonal wisdom, that I was the luckiest (sniff) woman (sniff, sniff) on the whole planet. The more I cried the more he smiled (which kind of irritated me). Through my snot and tears I asked him why he was smiling at me when I had been such a troll. Do you know what he said? “Well, my books says………..”
I swear, I’m going to set that dang book on fire – probably after I shove it up his tail!!!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Mini Muffin Madness
Good Lord!!! I haven’t posted since November?!?! What on Earth is wrong with me? Nothing, I’m lazy……….Hi, have you met me?
Ok, so what all has been going on in my world? Hmmm? Well, Bug got a battery operated, pink and white “Harley” for Christmas from Papa and BB and now she terrorizes the neighborhood with it’s obnoxious sound effects. Baby Girl is trying her best to make me absolutely crazy. She would forget her head if it wasn’t up her butt. I think we are going to have her tested for ADD – either she needs meds or I do. Prissy has been chosen for Pre-Team at gymnastics………….not sure what that means but I think it’s good. We went to Illinois at Christmas time and it was wonderful. Very quiet and peaceful……….I could live there. What else? Oh yeah, we are now getting bug two weeks a month and we are thrilled. She has given up her Nuk (pacifier) – we told her that Salty Bear (the dog) ate it. She now hates the dog but no longer asks for the Nuk…..poor Salty Bear. Hmmmmm………..what else? It seem’s like I am forgetting something……..hmmmm? Oh yeah – I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!
That’s right folks; Honey and I are working on CH #4. We are hoping and praying (and begging and bargaining) that this one is a boy. Honey says that if we have another girl he is liable to walk into oncoming traffic. Actually, we are just praying for a healthy baby but if God should happen to be surfing the net and stumbles across my little blog I hope he takes pity on me and makes this one MALE!
So far everything is going fine. It’s obvious that I will now become a better poster as I now have a whole new resource for material. So, be prepared to read about how my pregnancy progresses. And please don’t think I will be posting sappy entries about how Honey and I fall asleep every night with our hands on my belly gushing about how much we love this baby and how happy we are………….GAG! Nope, you will probably read more intimate details about my life than you EVER wanted to know. I just hope that none of Honey’s friends read this blog………they might make fun of him.
Let’s see – to date – no morning sickness. Every once and a while I get a little pang of “yuck” but nothing worth whining about. I’m already getting too big for my pants and I haven’t even been to my first appointment yet. I have my first OB visit on 2/14/06 and will probably have already gained about 20 pounds!! I actually haven’t really gained any weight, it’s just that my body is tired and now that it knows there’s no point in “sucking in” anymore………I’ve lost the ability to do so.
I bought Honey a book called “Pregnancy Sucks (for Him) – When your little miracle makes you both miserable”. I’ve read some of it and it is HYSTERICAL. The good thing is, I can tell he is reading it too and following it’s instructions. He is going to be a wonderful husband through out this pregnancy……….at least so far he’s doing pretty good.
I’m sure a lot of you hate me because I have no morning sickness but trust me – I have TONS of other stuff that is going wrong and falling apart so shut up and leave me alone. It would seem that I am a tiny bit hormonal……..ok, ok – I’m just plain irritable and bitchy. I have ZERO patience for anyone or anything. This is making life very hard on CH #1 as she has chosen this time to completely lose her mind and stop doing her schoolwork altogether. No reason for it she says, just “I don’t know” and “I forgot”. It would seem that my child “forgot” to answer the questions on her Social Studies test prior to turning it in which resulted in a big, fat zero. Go figure.
Anyway, back to bitchy. My wonderful husband has been trying to help our oldest child learn to cope (avoid) my hormonal imbalance. He has tried to explain to her that “Mama is just a little sensitive and her hormones are out of whack so just be really good and don’t speak to her or breathe her air”. Simple enough right? WRONG!
About a week ago I wanted a salad for dinner. I wanted a salad from Applebee’s because they have peas on their salad bar. Honey tried to tell me that I had all of the salad stuff I could ever want in our fridge (he was so proud that he’s stocked up on the one thing I was craving so far). I “explained” to him that I wanted Applebee’s because they had PEAS!!! Now, please note, I have NEVER, not once, even thought of putting peas on my salad but for some reason I now HAVE to have them so off to Applebee’s we went.
We had a nice dinner and Baby Girl and Honey discussed how they were going to have to deal with “Mama and her hormones” EVERY day for NINE WHOLE MONTHS. Oh, the horror!! I mean, I have to deal with them and their dirty laundry every day for at least the next EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!!! I think I’m the one getting ripped off so what the heck do they have to whine about (see, a little irritable).
Anyway, we get in the car to head home and I was driving. Honey and Baby Girl get into one of there normal back and forth “You pooted” “Nu Uh, You pooted” “No I didn’t, YOU did” “No Daddy, YOU DID IT” and as delightful as this is to listen to EVERY time we get in the car, I really wasn’t feeling the joy on this particular evening. Baby Girl threatens to throw her empty Coke can at Honey and he tells her she’d better not. He then picks up a bag of mini muffins from my console and chunks them in the backseat at Baby Girl! I snapped.
I started yelling about how my vehicle was NOT and amusement park and there was going to be no flying objects in MY car while I was driving. Furthermore, I would pull MY car over, jerk them BOTH out, whip their butts and leave them to walk home if anything else was hurled in my vehicle. I mean I was really letting them have it…….na na nana nanana na na!
Honey looks in the back seat at Baby Girl and says, “Baby Girl, THOSE are hormones”. Without skipping a beat Baby Girl holds up the bag and says, “No Daddy, these are mini muffins – they’re blueberry”. Needless to say I did pull my car over because I was laughing so there were tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t see. Not to mention that I had to pee so bad I was tempted to squat behind one of those 18 wheelers that park behind the mall.
We made it home safe and dry. Baby Girl had experienced her first major pregnancy “fit” and we’d all had a bonding moment. We also coined another new phrase. Ever since that night, any time I seem a little bit irritated, Honey always asks if he should leave the room before I start throwing muffins. My standard answer is YES!!!!
Ok, so what all has been going on in my world? Hmmm? Well, Bug got a battery operated, pink and white “Harley” for Christmas from Papa and BB and now she terrorizes the neighborhood with it’s obnoxious sound effects. Baby Girl is trying her best to make me absolutely crazy. She would forget her head if it wasn’t up her butt. I think we are going to have her tested for ADD – either she needs meds or I do. Prissy has been chosen for Pre-Team at gymnastics………….not sure what that means but I think it’s good. We went to Illinois at Christmas time and it was wonderful. Very quiet and peaceful……….I could live there. What else? Oh yeah, we are now getting bug two weeks a month and we are thrilled. She has given up her Nuk (pacifier) – we told her that Salty Bear (the dog) ate it. She now hates the dog but no longer asks for the Nuk…..poor Salty Bear. Hmmmmm………..what else? It seem’s like I am forgetting something……..hmmmm? Oh yeah – I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!
That’s right folks; Honey and I are working on CH #4. We are hoping and praying (and begging and bargaining) that this one is a boy. Honey says that if we have another girl he is liable to walk into oncoming traffic. Actually, we are just praying for a healthy baby but if God should happen to be surfing the net and stumbles across my little blog I hope he takes pity on me and makes this one MALE!
So far everything is going fine. It’s obvious that I will now become a better poster as I now have a whole new resource for material. So, be prepared to read about how my pregnancy progresses. And please don’t think I will be posting sappy entries about how Honey and I fall asleep every night with our hands on my belly gushing about how much we love this baby and how happy we are………….GAG! Nope, you will probably read more intimate details about my life than you EVER wanted to know. I just hope that none of Honey’s friends read this blog………they might make fun of him.
Let’s see – to date – no morning sickness. Every once and a while I get a little pang of “yuck” but nothing worth whining about. I’m already getting too big for my pants and I haven’t even been to my first appointment yet. I have my first OB visit on 2/14/06 and will probably have already gained about 20 pounds!! I actually haven’t really gained any weight, it’s just that my body is tired and now that it knows there’s no point in “sucking in” anymore………I’ve lost the ability to do so.
I bought Honey a book called “Pregnancy Sucks (for Him) – When your little miracle makes you both miserable”. I’ve read some of it and it is HYSTERICAL. The good thing is, I can tell he is reading it too and following it’s instructions. He is going to be a wonderful husband through out this pregnancy……….at least so far he’s doing pretty good.
I’m sure a lot of you hate me because I have no morning sickness but trust me – I have TONS of other stuff that is going wrong and falling apart so shut up and leave me alone. It would seem that I am a tiny bit hormonal……..ok, ok – I’m just plain irritable and bitchy. I have ZERO patience for anyone or anything. This is making life very hard on CH #1 as she has chosen this time to completely lose her mind and stop doing her schoolwork altogether. No reason for it she says, just “I don’t know” and “I forgot”. It would seem that my child “forgot” to answer the questions on her Social Studies test prior to turning it in which resulted in a big, fat zero. Go figure.
Anyway, back to bitchy. My wonderful husband has been trying to help our oldest child learn to cope (avoid) my hormonal imbalance. He has tried to explain to her that “Mama is just a little sensitive and her hormones are out of whack so just be really good and don’t speak to her or breathe her air”. Simple enough right? WRONG!
About a week ago I wanted a salad for dinner. I wanted a salad from Applebee’s because they have peas on their salad bar. Honey tried to tell me that I had all of the salad stuff I could ever want in our fridge (he was so proud that he’s stocked up on the one thing I was craving so far). I “explained” to him that I wanted Applebee’s because they had PEAS!!! Now, please note, I have NEVER, not once, even thought of putting peas on my salad but for some reason I now HAVE to have them so off to Applebee’s we went.
We had a nice dinner and Baby Girl and Honey discussed how they were going to have to deal with “Mama and her hormones” EVERY day for NINE WHOLE MONTHS. Oh, the horror!! I mean, I have to deal with them and their dirty laundry every day for at least the next EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!!! I think I’m the one getting ripped off so what the heck do they have to whine about (see, a little irritable).
Anyway, we get in the car to head home and I was driving. Honey and Baby Girl get into one of there normal back and forth “You pooted” “Nu Uh, You pooted” “No I didn’t, YOU did” “No Daddy, YOU DID IT” and as delightful as this is to listen to EVERY time we get in the car, I really wasn’t feeling the joy on this particular evening. Baby Girl threatens to throw her empty Coke can at Honey and he tells her she’d better not. He then picks up a bag of mini muffins from my console and chunks them in the backseat at Baby Girl! I snapped.
I started yelling about how my vehicle was NOT and amusement park and there was going to be no flying objects in MY car while I was driving. Furthermore, I would pull MY car over, jerk them BOTH out, whip their butts and leave them to walk home if anything else was hurled in my vehicle. I mean I was really letting them have it…….na na nana nanana na na!
Honey looks in the back seat at Baby Girl and says, “Baby Girl, THOSE are hormones”. Without skipping a beat Baby Girl holds up the bag and says, “No Daddy, these are mini muffins – they’re blueberry”. Needless to say I did pull my car over because I was laughing so there were tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t see. Not to mention that I had to pee so bad I was tempted to squat behind one of those 18 wheelers that park behind the mall.
We made it home safe and dry. Baby Girl had experienced her first major pregnancy “fit” and we’d all had a bonding moment. We also coined another new phrase. Ever since that night, any time I seem a little bit irritated, Honey always asks if he should leave the room before I start throwing muffins. My standard answer is YES!!!!
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