Black Friday and Parking Lot Monitors

Those of you who know me are aware that Black Friday is my FAVORITE day of the year. I am addicted to it!! Every year I make my list from the ads, map out my route, plan my strategy, scout out the stores for product location and am up and out of the house by 4am without fail. I do it because I get an incredible high from being able to check off the items on my list. Plus, there is always a possibility that I will get to knock somebody over to get the last Farting Big Bird (or whatever the “big seller” is that year). From 4am to noon those who know me well will not even call me as not to disturb me while I am getting my “fix”. This year was no exception however, this year, I learned something new………..

We have a new baby this year so I was concerned that my poor Honey would be overwhelmed by having Bean, Bug and Baby Girl all in his face at 7am without me there to run interference. I decided that I was going to do a little of my BF (Black Friday) shopping online as most of the items I wanted were advertised as being available online. That would’ve been true if they had thought to increase their bandwidth and/or server space for this occasion and been able to keep their websites up.

I got out of bed at 4:15 (my first sale didn’t start until 5am) and put on a pot of coffee. I got dressed and booted up my computer. I got on Walmart’s site and started loading up my cart so I would be ready for checkout at the 5am sale start time. At 4:55, the site crashed!! I was livid!! I put on my shoes, grabbed my coffee, driver’s license, check card, cigs and phone (true BFer’s do NOT carry a purse on BF) and hopped in my car. “Screw Walmart” I thought, I was headed to Toys R Us.

I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us at exactly 5:06, found a decent parking spot, grabbed my list and my sale ad and ran into the store. There are no baskets but that’s ok, I am only there to get 5 things (a scooter for Bug - $20, 2 Bratz dolls for friends’ kids - $10, 2 DS Lite games for Baby Girl – BOGO) most of them are small so I didn’t need a cart. Plus, I can maneuver better through the crowd if I don’t have a cart. I immediately find the Bratz dolls right inside the door; I grab my two and head to the back for the scooter. I find the scooter with no problem but it’s a little heavier than I anticipated and the box has no handle. I’m still ok though because all I have left is the video games and I am outta there. That’s when my phone rang. I sit my stuff down and dig through my jacket pocket to find my phone. I know it must be an emergency because everyone that KNOWS me would only call if there was an emergency at 5AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!

It was Diamond. “Girl, are you out shopping?” Now this woman has been married to my brother for 7 years – she KNOWS I’m shopping!!! I said, “Yep! I’m at Toys R Us. Whatcha need?” She says, “Oh, nothing, just wanted to see where you were. What are you getting there?” I ran down my list of items (some of which are sitting on the floor so that I can talk on the phone at a COMPLETE STAND STILL). She says, “Look and see if they have the Lizzie McGuire game for GBA for Diva”. I agree and we get off the phone. I continue my journey through 32,174 other idiots that are shopping before dawn in search of video games. I find a medical set that Bug will love for $4 and I grab it. My arms are getting really tired and just as I’m about to head to the front to beg for a cart I spot an empty one “abandoned” in the aisle. I chunk all my stuff in it and begin to maneuver towards electronics to find the games I’m there to get. My phone rings again. Again, I dig through my pockets concerned that someone may have died being as how it is only 5:15AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!

It was Diamond again, “Girl, where are you now?” I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m still at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing, me and Mama are at Khol’s and they don’t have anything I came for………chit chat chit chat” I said, “Well, I’m trying to maneuver my cart through a sea of sleepy people so let me get off the phone.” She says, “Ok. Did you find that game for Diva?” “Not yet, I’m trying to work my way over there now.” Meanwhile, I’m trying desperately to not run into or over anyone with my cart and I’m getting dirty looks from people that seem to say “Get off the dang phone and pay attention to where you’re going”. I said, “Diamond, I really need to get off here before I cause bodily harm to someone.” “Ok girl, I’ll talk to you………..Oh did I tell you that your brother wants a guitar for Christmas? He doesn’t even really know how to play guitar and now he wants a $300 guitar for Christmas!! I told him that I thought it was stupid but if that………(I stopped listening because I managed to ram my cart into a display of Barbies thus drawing even more dirty looks and a few ugly comments). I told her I HAD to go and I would call her back when I left Toys R Us and hung up the phone.

I managed to finally make my way to electronics and started looking for the games. Of course, the ones I came for were all gone but I did manage to find the Lizzie McGuire game and it works for the DS as well so I grabbed two of them - $8 each – and threw them in my cart. I noticed a DS carrying case that I just had to have and put it in my cart - $20. On my way out of electronics I decided to look at the bikes for Baby Girl so I muddled my way all the way to the back of the store (about 15 minutes to get there). While looking at the bikes, I saw something for Z and put it in my cart (I will not say what or how much because he reads this blog). I didn’t like any of the bikes so I decided I was finished and went to get in line. That’s when I got the shock. The END of the line was in the back of the store by the bikes and wrapped around the entire perimeter of the store to the front (about 400 people in front of me). I arrived at the end of the line at 5:45am and positioned my cart behind a young man that had his cart filled with a Dora Kitchen and various other “little girl” things. We were in the middle of “boy toys” and I noticed a sale on toys from the Cars Movie – I grabbed a “Mater” (that’s the tow truck as Baby Girl so graciously informed me later after I referred to it as a dump truck – I haven’t seen the movie) for Cranky - $20 and threw it in my cart.

My phone rang again………guess who……….that’s right, Diamond. It is now 5:50 and I had not talked to her in over 30 minutes – the horror!! “Hey girl, where are you now?” “I’m standing in line at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what was going on. How are the lines there?” I said, “I’m standing behind approximately 400 other idiots in the back of the store near the bikes if that tells you anything.” “Oh my! Well Mama and are still at Khol’s, she’s standing in line holding our place and I’m shopping. I still can’t find anything that I want…..hang on a second” That’s right – she PUT ME ON HOLD! So for the next two minutes I sat there on hold because I am RETARDED!! While I waited for Diamond to come back, the young man in front of me’s wife walked up with two armloads of stuff, dumped it in their basket, turned and disappeared back into the crowd. I kinda of giggled and said, “Looks like you are having a good time”. He explained that his job is to stand in line with the basket and pay for the stuff at the register. He seemed very pleased with himself until I asked, “Where are y’all going after this?” He got the most bewildered look on his face and said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If your wife has you out on Black Friday at 5AM you can be assured this in not the ONLY store you will be standing in line at today”.

About then Diamond got back on the phone and said, “So where are you now?” I almost screamed, “STANDING IN LINE AT TOYS R US!!” To which she replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re leaving Khol’s and heading to Linens-N-Things”. I told her to have fun and got off the phone. The poor guy in front of me says, “Are you being serious about going to other places?” I felt so sorry for him. I just kind of nodded and said, “Sorry”. About 15 minutes later we had moved about 3 steps and his wife showed up with another load of stuff to dump in their basket. This time he said, “Honey, are we going anywhere after we leave here?” in a “please say it isn’t so” voice. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Just to Walmart. I’ll be right back” and she dashed back into the crowd before he could say a word. The look on his face was priceless and I almost wet my pants laughing.

We wound around by the sports equipment and we started to see the “abandoned items pile” of things that people either talked themselves out of or just got tired of waiting and dumped on top of whatever display was close before heading out the door. I found the Miracle on 34th Street DVD and put it in my cart - $15. I got into an interesting conversation with the lady behind me and we decided that they should be handing out biscuits and coffee at the door to make our shopping experience more enjoyable. I rescued a Dora doll whose hair “grows” from the abandoned items pile and put it in my cart - $34. Another 15 minutes passed and we moved another 4 feet. My phone rang again………..guess who………..that’s right!

“Girl, Mom and I are at Linens-N-Things and they don’t have anything I came for. Where are you now?” “STILL standing in line at Toys R Us – Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing. Did I tell you about what Sparky did yesterday?” She then went on for 10 minutes about what all the boys had been doing to drive her nuts (she has 3 under the age of 3………because she is NUTS!!!) I listened for a little while and finally said, “Let me get off the phone so I can pay attention to what I’m doing (standing still takes LOTS of concentration at 6AM). I put my phone back in my pocket, spot some light up spiny thing sitting by itself on an empty shelf so I threw it in my cart (didn’t want it to be lonely) - $5.

At 6:20AM I make it to the front of the line……….where I am directed to a register line!! I wait another 10 minutes and it is finally my turn to check out. I bid farewell to all of my new found friends, pay for the $20 scooter I came for that has somehow now increased to $168, grab my bags and head to the car. The sun is now up and the vultures are swarming the parking lot looking for empty spaces. I take my bags to the car and decide to walk over to Old Navy. I open the front door to grab a smoke for the walk, shut the door and begin to walk away and that’s when I heard it………..

This very shrill, country voice screams, “YOU CAN”T DO THAT!!!” I got excited because I thought I was going to get to see my first fight of the day. I turned around quickly to see what violation had been committed when I realized she was looking (and pointing) at ME. I said, “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” To which she shrieked, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” I said, “Can’t do what?” “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR BAGS IN YOUR CAR AND THEN GO TO ANOTHER STORE!!!!” I was shocked. I was unaware of this new parking lot ordinance and began to look around for the required signage that would indicate this to be true. Again she yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!” Now, keep in mind, I have been up since around 4AM, I have now spent the last hour and a half standing in line and I completely forgot to take my medication this morning which is NOT good news for her. I said, “I don’t know who appointed you the keeper of the parking lot rule book but until I sit my fat @$$ in that drivers seat, crank that bad boy up and back it out, it will sit right there! And if you keep screaming at me like a lunatic I will sit my fat @$$ in the drivers seat, put it in reverse and sit with my foot on the break while I smoke and THEN get out and walk to Old Navy so why don’t you KISS MY @$$!!!!” and I walked away.

I called Honey to inform him that he might have to come get me as there was a strong possibility that all of my tires were going to be flat when I got back from Old Navy. He was quite amused and agreed with me that if a Parking Lot Monitor had been appointed someone should’ve posted a sign and given her some sort of picture ID that would identify her as such.

I shopped at Old Navy for a minute, spent $186 but got a lot of gifts out of the way. I then went to the mall (because I am a drooling idiot) and drove around for about 20 minutes until I found a parking spot. I wandered in the mall for about an hour and managed to get everything I came for. As I slowly headed to my car that was parked at the VERY LAST spot behind Sears I observed this little old man putting bags in his car. I smiled at him as I passed and then I watched him lock his car and head back into the mall. Standing there in the mall parking lot, alone, with my arms loaded down with bags I burst into hysterical laughter. To the point that I almost had to sit down. The little man turned around and said, “Honey, are you alright?” I caught my breath and through my tears said, “You can’t do that”. That poor man looked at me like I was holding a crack pipe and just turned and walked off………..which made me laugh even harder!

I finally got to my car and drove home with all of my great deals feeling satisfied that I had once again beat the retail demon! I relayed my days events to Honey who had met me at the door with my meds (because he KNOWS what it means if I don’t take them) and we both had a few good laughs and started getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the attic.

So, if you are ever brave enough to get out on BF and shop be careful. If you see a middle aged white woman wearing an orange bonnet in a silver Ford Taurus roaming around the parking lot she is not looking for a space. SHE is the parking lot monitor and will call attention to any infraction you commit. I later found out that you can also not sit and wait on a parking spot for longer than 7 seconds without the person behind you honking. You cannot drop off your elderly mother at the door at Target without someone behind you honking and you can never, under any circumstances, stand near your vehicle after loading your bags and carry on a conversation with someone you ran into in Walgreens without having someone yell at you. So, be careful as I’m sure these are just a few of the parking lot rules. I’m going to get online and see if I can find a copy of the actual printed manual and will post it. Until then, watch your step because the monitors are out there and nobody is above reproach.

They Really Like Me!

My little blog here has been awarded a Best Blog in Tennessee award by Tennessee Bloggers (link in heading) . So I guess they like me. They really, really like me!