Nothing major has been happening lately. Baby Girl has been laying low since the “poop incident” so she’s not giving me much material. The neighbors have been relatively quiet but the weekend is coming so I’m SURE I’ll have something good on Monday. In the meantime I thought I would just share a few little things that have happened but don’t really warrant an entire post.
Let’s see……….a few months ago I had a problem with my toilet draining very slowly. Honey and I poured every chemical known to man in it, we plunged, we rammed coat hangers in it, and we even bought an auger and one of those new plungers that shoots CO2 cartridges (literally blowing the crap out of the pipes). None of it worked. I finally gave in and called the plumber. They brought their auger and their plungers and beat on my toilet for about an hour before they came schlepping down the hall with my potty in a plastic bag and out the front door. Needless to say I was mortified when I went outside to see a grown man bent over my toilet in the middle of the front yard in the middle of the day with his crack exposed to the world. Upon investigation they found that a small porcelain shoe had been lodged in there. This would be the porcelain shoe that I told Honey 50 times NOT to set on the back of the toilet because it could fall in.
Cost of shoe - $15
Cost of plumber - $103
Getting to say “I told you so” – Priceless
Last week one of my extremely intelligent technicians locked his keys in his truck………while it was running and he AC was on full blast. Being the stubborn man that he is, he refused to call a locksmith because he had an extra set of keys…….at home…….an hour away. So, his truck ran in the parking lot for 2 ½ hours while he got someone to come pick him up, drive to BFE to get the keys and then back to the office. I bet 30 people knocked on our door to let us know that he’d left his truck running. DUHHH!! I mean, I can see where you might forget to turn your lights off but you don’t just forget to turn the car off……………well, unless you’re this guy.
A few weeks ago Diamond managed to back her Expedition into one of those yellow concrete “barriers” that surround light poles in parking lots. Now, she has recently given birth and she had two boys under two in the vehicle at the time so I can see where she might get distracted. The funny part is – her car has one of those “back-up alerts” that beeps LOUDLY when something is behind the vehicle so that you DON”T HIT IT. When she called and told me about it I asked if the alarm had gone off and she said….and I’m not lying…..”Well yeah but I couldn’t see anything so I thought it was just messing with me”. RIGHT – Ford makes a vehicle with a sense of humor.
Honey has been working at night this week and is getting home between 3:30a and 5a so he’s been sleeping during the day. Yesterday morning when Baby Girl got up I told her to try and be quiet because Daddy was sleeping. Later that afternoon she walks into the kitchen where Honey and I were talking and said, “Hi Daddy, are you awake now?” Bless her heart.
A week or so ago one of my other techs called me at about 7am to let me know he would be late to work that morning because he’d hurt his back……….while hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock. Bless his heart.
Well, that’s really all I have right now. We will be having birthday dinner with Erin, Tiger, Mom and Nelly this weekend so I’m sure Monday will be a great post. Have a great weekend.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
They Really Do Exist
I actually had someone ask me recently if all of the people I write about exist. Well, they do and I can prove it. I've uploaded several pictures of some of the real live humans. Now that I know how to post pictures, I will start trying to capture some of the crazy stuff that goes on around here so you can get the full visual experience of what I endure on a daily basis.
Man - I wish I had thought to snap a shot of that orange bag on my roof! Oh well, there's always next time.
Man - I wish I had thought to snap a shot of that orange bag on my roof! Oh well, there's always next time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The Poop Scoop Boogie
I was beginning to think that my life was becoming “normal”. I was starting to search my past to find something interesting to write about. I was trying to remember stories from High School, Church, daycare, and anything that would embarrass my brother when Baby Girl came through for me. Thank Heaven for little girls.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.
Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.
Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….
“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.
I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.
She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.
This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.
So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.
Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.
Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….
“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.
I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.
She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.
This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.
So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.
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