WWF Comes to Arlington

I know that I have talked about my neighbor’s kid – you know her as Crack Head #2, but I don’t think I’ve mentioned any of my “adult” neighbors. The following will be my first introduction of the group that is quickly becoming known as the “Patio Princesses” because we always wind up congregated on my patio every weekend to socialize and cookout. They are a colorful bunch and I love them all but sometimes………..well, just read on.

I live on a quiet street and am lucky to have wonderful neighbors. The one directly next door is a single woman we will call Harley. She is a lovely woman. For her last birthday, she bought herself a Harley Davidson 883 and it is beautiful. Her only problem is she doesn’t know how to ride so she just talks to it in the garage. On the other side of her are CH 2’s mother and grandmother. We will call mom TJ and we’ll call grandma Nana. Both are great ladies. Nana is divorced after 25 years of marriage because her husband lost his mind and took up with another woman. TJ is her daughter, the mother of CH 2 and is a bartender at a local pub. She is also single although I’m not sure why, she runs a close second to Dolly Parton in the Ta-Ta area. Nana also has a sister who visits on the weekends. We will call her Amy. Amy is going through a divorce because her husband also lost his mind and is now living with another woman……..4 doors down from Amy. Needless to say, this causes Amy a little emotional pain which she shares with all of us every time she gets more than 3 beverages in her.

This past weekend was fairly normal. Baby Girl spent the night at her BF’s house and Honey and I went to dinner. Saturday was a beautiful day and we relaxed on the patio, and took Harley’s bike for a spin – she finally got to drive it and was sooo thrilled. We cooked out that night and everyone had a good time. On Sunday, it was again beautiful weather. I went to the grocery store, laid out in the sun while Honey did car maintenance on TJ’s car, cut and edged all 3 of our connecting yards and prepared the ribs and chicken for our BBQ. Yes, I’m spoiled rotten.

At 5pm I went to my brother’s house to keep the boys while Diamond attended a Packing Party for the mission trip Z is going on with his church. I was there until almost 8pm and then returned to “The Patio” and our group of friends. When I arrived, we had Harley, Nana, Amy, Baby Girl, her BF and Amy’s daughter on the patio. Honey was manning the grill. I quickly realized that these women had been “in the cooler” for the better part of the evening. I retrieved a beverage from the cooler and had barely gotten the top off when the drama began.

Within seconds of my arrival home, Amy’s phone rang; it was her ex (Jerko) to speak to their daughter (Sally). Sally talked to Jerko for a minute and then hung up. Amy immediately started asking Sally if Jerko’s girlfriend was with him and starting complaining about how she “couldn’t believe that he takes that whore around OUR friends”. Now, keep in mind, they have been separated for almost a year and in that time, these “friends” haven’t contacted her. I snapped my fingers at her to get her attention and told her that she had said enough and that Sally didn’t need to hear any of this mess. She got mad and walked back down to Nana’s house – oh well. We sat out on the patio and talked for a while, Honey finished cooking and started taking the food inside. Low and behold, who walks back down to the patio – Amy.

She immediately starts crying about how we don’t understand what she’s been through and how upsetting it was for her ex to take his girlfriend around “their” friends. Nana got up from the table, stormed in the back door, mumbled something to Honey about not being able to stand it anymore and then slammed the front door on her way out. Meanwhile, I’m still on the patio listening to Amy cry. Now, please understand, this is not normal, “I’m sad” crying. This is full blown, screaming, sobbing, to the point of making me want to slap the crap out of her just to get the dogs to quit barking. I apologized to her for hurting her feeling earlier but explained that Sally didn’t need to hear all of this drama and if those were really “their” friends, she would’ve heard from them in the past year. She didn’t like that much either but hey, it’s my flippin’ patio and I was trying desperately to salvage what was to be my peaceful Sunday evening.

Nana calls to tell me to send CH 2 home when she finished eating (it’s now 9pm). I had Honey fix Nana a plate and carry it down to her house. Meanwhile, Amy is in the backyard, sitting in the grass, talking on her cell phone. I heard her say that she was going to call whomever she was talking to back from her sister’s phone. Sat there and cried for a few more minutes, got up and stumbled through the back yards to Nana’s. I’m thinking, “Cool, we get to eat in peace.” I fix my plate and head to the patio. I hadn’t taken two bites when I hear a child crying from out front. I run between the houses but don’t see anyone. I return to the patio to find Nana, in her sports bra, sitting in my chair with CH 2 on her lap. CH 2 is crying and Nana looks like she is ready to chew nails. I walk up and Nana says, “I just beat the crap out of her!”. I was SHOCKED. Number 1 – Nana is in her middle to late 50’s and is one of the kindest, gentlest people I’ve ever known. Number two – this is her sister we are talking about – who is in her late 40’s to early 50’s. I was shocked that these two adult women had gotten into a brawl and nobody thought to call us to watch!

I got the recap from Nana. Obviously, Amy had gone in the house and gotten smart with Nana about something that was said earlier that evening and Nana had just had it. She said, “I don’t know what happened but when she got in my face I snapped and just knocked the crap out of her.” Nana told Sally to go down to her house because Amy was getting their stuff together to go home. CH 2 calmed down and went in the house with Baby Girl to watch TV until the coast was clear and she and Nana could go home and get in bed. It was now 9:45p.

We sat around on the patio for a while and Nana gave us the blow by blow a few times. Every time she would get to the “fight scene” she would use me to demonstrate how she had grabbed Amy and beat her up. Let me tell you, this 50 + year old lady is now fragile little woman – she about slung me out of my chair a few times during her re-enactment. Sally came back down to tell us bye; we gave her our phone numbers in case she needed us for anything and she headed to the car. I was about to go in and tell the girls that it was time for bed when up walks Amy. She’d come to say her peace and show us her brand new shirt that Nana had torn off her body. I sat back down in my chair as I figured this would take a minute. It was now 10:30p.

At midnight, I decided that this had dragged on looooong enough. I managed to get everyone off my patio before the cops were called and to their respective homes. I then took on the task of getting Baby Girl in the bed. I go in the house and now she’s crying because SHE thinks that CH 2 was crying because she got in trouble for staying at our house when Nana left! Oh dear Lord!! It took me an hour to explain that sometimes adults are complete idiots and that neither she nor her BF was in trouble and that everything was going to be fine. She finally went to sleep around 1:30am. Needless to say, I had to take a PTO day yesterday so that my Baby Girl could get some rest. It wasn’t fair for me to drag her out of bed and send her to school to have a horrible day just because we’d turned our patio into a cage match the night before.

So folks, that’s it. I was born in Frayser, grew up in Frayser, graduated from Frayser High School and never, not once, did I ever experience the kind of trailer park atmosphere that I did on my patio in Arlington on Sunday night. I’ve learned that, with enough alcohol, the mildest mannered woman can become a screaming banshee, that people will wallow in self pity as long as someone will allow them too and that even older people can throw down. I realize how lucky I am to have my Honey who would never dream of cheating on me or leaving me for another woman. But the most important things I’ve learned are don’t tug on Superman’s cape, don’t spit into the wind, don’t pull the mask off the ole Lone Ranger and don’t mess around with Nana!