Baby Girl's New Hair

So far, this is the only picture I've been able to get of Baby Girl's new hair cut. I took this one while she was putting in her contacts. She wasn't happy and it seems that her new hair has made her delusional. She now believes that she should have an opinion and be able to express it at anytime. She also thinks that her Daddy and I should LISTEN to her opinion and make our decisions based on HER opinion. LOL - kids are so silly

Hair Follow Up

So, after everyone’s wonderful advice my hair is once again a “normal” color. I wish I’d seen Slim’s comment earlier. I know of all people, HE would know what I needed to do. Most of you said that I needed to go to a salon and have it fixed. That’s because you don’t know me very well yet. I am not of the inclination to walk into a salon, filled with professionals and give them a reason to laugh at me. So, instead, I decided to fix it myself. So, 3 boxes of color later, I have a beautiful shade of auburn. Far from blonde or my original brown but a “normal” color none the less.

My Honey has made me swear that the next time I want to “try something new” that I either go to a salon OR we can have dinner at an Indian restaurant. Either way, I’m allowed to go to the reunion……..if I can get a baby sitter. Any takers???

Yes, They Are All The Same.....Walmart War Zone

Being that I have recently moved to the Wonderful Land Of Corn, I am still finding myself a little confused about the way things work up here. Those of you who know me and/or have read the archives, know that I can’t STAND to go to Walmart. I find the entire experience less pleasurable than being dragged naked behind a truck over broken glass. I thought maybe once I got out of the city my view of the entire experience might change. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

In earlier posts I’ve discussed how much I detest going to Walmart. It’s not the STORE I don’t like. I LOVE the selection of merchandise, the great prices and the fact that I can buy bacon and bras under the same roof. It’s the EXPERIENCE that drives me nuts. From the time I turn into the parking lot until the time I pull out again I am in a constant state of high stress. The parking is horrible, there are never enough checkouts open and I ALWAYS get the crappy cart. I thought maybe those were all just byproducts of Memphis but it seems that is a universal trait of all Walmart stores. (I really wish they would contact me about how to improve MY experience).

Being as how I live in the middle of nowhere now I’m very excited when I can actually drive someplace and not get lost. Walmart is one of the ONLY places I know how to get to so unfortunately, out of necessity, I go there often. I would like to first point out that people up here drive like maniacs!!! There is no yielding to oncoming traffic or waving a person out in front of you that has been sitting there for 20 minutes waiting for a chance to go. Oh NO………it is like driving the gauntlet everytime you start your engine up here.

So, on my first outing to the Walmart I had mixed emotions. On one hand, I was very excited to be able to actually make it to the retail establishment WITHOUT having to call my husband for directions. I was out of the house………ALONE and I had an open mind. On the other hand, I was about to enter the one place on Earth that will ultimately drain every ounce of life force from my body. When I pulled into the parking lot (after waiting to turn left for almost 10 minutes because God forbid someone leave 3 feet of space between them and the car ahead of them while waiting for the light to change) I started to get tense.

I dodged cars going the wrong way down the lane in the parking lot and finally found a space that was (and I’m not lying because I am a counter) 178 steps from the front entrance. As I approached the store, I veered to the right as that is the door that should be the one marked ENTER……..nope. The doors are backwards up here and you enter on the left. I figured that out when some guy with 12 bags of charcoal and 3 cases of beer ran over my foot……..and never said a word.

I made it through the “lobby” area and found a cart. The cart seemed to roll fine so I thought that my day was getting better. I then realized that I had NO clue where anything in this store was so I was going to have to wander (oh darn). I had a list of things I needed, mostly baby stuff so I started wandering around looking for the baby section. I found it in the back of the store and filled my cart with everything on my list. I then proceeded to the grocery section to grab a few things when I passed the “liquor section”!! You can buy everything from beer to tequila at the Walmart!! It wasn’t on my list but I was so excited I threw in a 12 pack of Bud Select out of sheer joy. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all. WRONG!

I rounded the corner and retrieved the dairy items I had on my list and then headed up the main corridor looking for the bread aisle. That’s when IT happened. I must first add that the people in Walmart drive their carts just like their cars. The do not seem to adhere to any “rules of the road” so it’s definitely an adventure to be the “newby” trying to find your way around. I stayed in the “slow lane” but was still being run over and I got a few dirty looks from the people passing me. Anyway, I was maneuvering down the main corridor looking at the aisle signs trying to find the bread when I felt the front of my cart jerk to the left. I immediately thought I’d run into an end-cap or a display but I was wrong. I had been hit by…………..A WOMAN ON A HANDICART!!!! That’s right folks, ANOTHER handicart happening.

Now, because I am from the South, and I don’t know what’s actually wrong with this woman, I say, “Oh, I’m so sorry”. Where I’m from, that was her cue to say, “Oh no, I’m sorry” but I’m not where I come from anymore. Up here, when you run into someone that had the right of way and you were at fault you say, “Watch where you’re going” and then speed off (well, putt off as the case was here). I just stood there in shock for a second, shook my head and continued on my quest for bread.

About 3 aisles later I had located the bread and was “squishing” the loaves to find the freshest. I was standing in front of my basket and not really paying attention to anything except what I was doing when all of a sudden, my basket bumped into my side. I looked up and there SHE was again and this time she was nudging my basket forward to get it out of her way!!! At this point I really thought I was going to go to jail. I said, “I’m sorry, is my cart in your way?” and she looked at me and said, “Can’t you tell?”. That was IT!! I said, “Look lady, it’s obvious that you aren’t a mute so why didn’t you just say ‘excuse me’?” She got the most confused look on her face and said, “For what?”. I said, “You are pushing my cart with your scooter into my body and you don’t think you should say excuse me? Are you from another PLANET?” Then came the response that nearly put me on the news. “You sound like you are from the South, that explains the lack of manners”. I LOST IT!! I said, “ME? LACK OF MANNERS?? ARE YOU ON CRACK? THAT’S THE SECOND TIME YOU’VE RUN INTO ME!!” She looked shocked. I shoved my cart into her scooter and moved her back a few inches and said, “You would do well to stay away from me unless you want this to be your LAST trip to Walmart”. I threw my bread in my basket and walked away.

I proceeded to the produce section and tried to calm myself by squeezing the tomatoes (those things can be messy). While I was wiping my hands off on one of the plastic produce bags I was approached by a young woman. She said, “I saw what happened back there on the bread aisle”. I poised myself for round two and was about to tell her off when she continued with, “I think you are my new hero” then she smiled and walked away.

I felt very vindicated. I proceeded to the checkout and happily paid for my purchases. When I got home and recounted my encounter to My Honey he just rolled his eyes. He is convinced that I am going to wind up on the front page of the paper with the headline “CRAZED SOUTHERN WOMAN BLOWS UP WALMART” leaving him to raise our children alone. Hmmmmmmmmm……..that just might not be a bad idea.

A Lesson In Precipitation

When my brother (Z) and I were in elementary school our mother had to leave for work before we left for school. We met two of our friends (Cheese and Amp) at the top of our street and walked the half mile to our beloved Denver Elementary. Like most kids did, we had rules. Rule #1 – the boys were NOT allowed to talk to Cheese and I. Rule #2 – the boys had to walk at LEAST 3 sidewalk squares in front of us as to not alert any other kids that we KNEW them. Rule #3 – if we couldn’t see the flag when we reached the top of the hill we got to go home. Yesterday morning Baby Girl would’ve LOVED to have that last rule cause let me tell you, I’ve never seen fog like that before in my life.

I woke up yesterday morning…..late. I got Baby Girl up and moving and I went to Snow Boy out. I walked out into the backyard and was quite surprised. It would seem that a major fog had rolled in and eaten my backyard! I could only see about 5 feet in front of me so of course……..I went and got my camera.

I took a few shots (see above) and came in to tell Baby Girl to look outside. She had also never seen fog like this and spent the next 5 minutes arguing with me that it was “probably snow”. I know, living in Memphis she really has never seen a good snow storm and was convinced that this HAD to be a blizzard. Trying to convince her otherwise was futile so I just said, “You’re right Baby Girl, make sure you bundle up”. About 15 minutes later when she emerged from her room she had on her heavy coat, scarf and gloves and informed me that we hadn’t bought her snow suit yet and she was probably going to get in trouble because she’s supposed wear snow pants and boots to school on snow days. I told her I would write her teacher a note begging for forgiveness.

The drama continued until she stepped out on the porch and realized that it was 72 degrees. Do you have ANY idea how mad it makes MY child to be WRONG?!?! For a minute I really thought she was going to wear all of that garb just so she wouldn’t have to say I was right. I was still laughing when the bus pulled up. Bless her heart.

Don't Try This at Home

Ladies, do you remember when you were in high school and you and your best friend decided to dye your hair? You know you did it, we all did and we all wound up with results that probably weren’t EXACTLY what we were hoping for. You learned from this mistake right? I thought I had………..I was wrong.

On Sunday, Baby Girl and I went and got our hair cut. She had hers cut up to her shoulders so she could donate her ponytail to Locks of Love. I had quite a bit of mine cut off so that I could actually have a hair style instead of a ponytail all the time. After we got our hair cuts we did some shopping and had a wonder mother-daughter afternoon. While we were at Target, I got wild hair up my butt and decided that I wanted to color my dark brown hair………blonde.

I’ve been a blonde before and I really liked it. I’ve colored my own hair on numerous occasions with terrific results so I was confident that this experience would be the same. I figured, new town, new style, new color……..Honey would think it was great!! So, I purchased a product called Born Blonde and headed home. Needless to say, Baby Girl was a bit skeptical but I was resolved in my mission and assured her that everything would be fine.

I got home and Honey had been cleaning house and had candles lit everywhere. I showed him the box of hair color and told him of my plans. He loved the idea and poured me a glass of wine and sent me to the bathroom to begin my transformation.

I read the directions and mixed the color appropriately. I sectioned my hair like the instructions said and began to apply the color to my hair (everywhere but the roots – per the directions). I set my timer for twenty minutes, refilled my glass and headed to the porch to relax. When my timer went off, I did a “strand check” just like the directions said. I was supposed to let the first section of hair reach the “orange stage” before I applied the mixture to my roots. So, I wiped off a section of hair with a damp paper towel……no orange. So, per the directions, I reapplied to that strand and set the timer for 5 minutes……..and refilled my glass.

I repeated the “strand check” every 5 minutes 3 more times until my hair was “sorta orange”. Because I’m not the most patient person I figured that “sorta” was close enough and I applied the color to my roots and “loosly piled it” on top of my head……….per the instructions, set my timer for 20 minutes and refilled my glass. When the timer went off, my hair was NOW in the “orange stage” so I set the timer for another 15 minutes. This time, on my way to the fridge, I had a brilliant idea. I know that the color is activated by body heat so I figured if I could trap in the body heat it would speed up the process. I grabbed the Seran Wrap, refilled my glass, and headed back to the bathroom. I emerged with my head covered in plastic wrap and had a seat on the couch. My Honey and Baby Girl just looked at me and smiled…..like you smile at someone in the burn unit……that smile that says, “oh my, your life is really going to suck”. I just smiled back….with that smile that says, “I’m half lit and don’t care what you think”.

When the timer went off, I checked my hair – still not blonde. It had now been an hour and fifteen minutes since I started this endeavor and the box says not to leave it on for longer than and hour and thirty minutes so, I did the math……..and set the timer for another 20 minutes………and refilled my glass. This time when the timer went off, I made the announcement that it HAD to be done by now and I went to get in the shower. I washed my hair and applied the conditioner………..like the directions said. I got out of the shower, wrapped my head in a towel (without looking in the mirror) and went to the bedroom to get dressed. I walked through the living room and announced to Honey that “his new wife would be out in a moment”. I returned to the bathroom, retrieved my hairdryer from under the sink and removed the towel from my head. I almost FAINTED!!!

My hair was about 5 shades of ORANGE with WHITE roots!!! I screamed – which summoned My Honey and Baby Girl. Honey said, “maybe it will be better once it’s dry” and smiled sympathetically. Baby Girl said, “I TOLD you not to do it”. I can always count on her for her compassion. I told them to both get out of the bathroom and I proceeded to blow my hair dry. Not only was it ORANGE but it was SPECKLED. There were spots of brown still in it where I’d obviously not completely covered the hair with the mixture. The roots were so white that I looked albino and the ends were a light orangy-brown color AND it was D-R-Y!!! I was mortified!! So, I refilled my glass and went back into the living room and sat down. It was obvious that Honey had been giving Baby Girl some lessons on manners because she looked at me and said, “It’s not so bad Mama. It’s REALLY shiny!” I said, “Baby Girl, brassy isn’t shiny.” To which she replied, “I mean it’s really BRIGHT.” Yeah, bright like a friggin orange traffic cone!!!

Honey just put his arm around me and said, “I like it”. He has a way of knowing when to lie to me if it means it improves his chances for intimacy later. I said, “You are such a liar but thank you anyway.” He said he would go to Walmart for me and get another color right then but I told him it could wait until morning. We put the kids to bed and went to bed ourselves. Unfortunately for him, his lying didn’t improve his chances that night because I was asleep in approximately 5 minutes thanks to my friend Sunset Blush.

Yesterday, Honey brought me another hair color. I told him not to get a lightening kit but a permanent color in the hopes that I could blend everything together and maybe get an actual blonde color. I told him to get Medium Ash Blonde….he got Lightest Platinum Blonde…….not exactly the same but I was desperate. Honey’s 10 year reunion is this weekend and I don’t think I’m going to be allowed to go…….unless they change it to a costume party (I could be the Great Pumpkin). I applied the color, set the timer and hoped for the best (you notice no wine this time). After the appropriate length of time I washed my hair and conditioned it. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised. The spots were gone and my hair was now a beautiful shade of………light……..cooked carrots. That’s right – still orange, but now one consistent shade of orange.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve got three days to figure it out. I think I may just color it back to brown but I’m afraid all of my hair will fall out……..or turn GREEN. Any advice would be appreciated but be kind………it should be obvious that I am not of sound mind.

Bingo...........Bull$*@!

OK – so I’ve talked about moving to Oakley, IL and I’ve explained that it is a VERY small town but I don’t think even I realized how small until last Friday. Last Friday was Cerro Gordo (the town/school that Baby Girl attends) Homecoming. If you’ve seen the show Friday Night Lights you will understand what it’s like.

The entire town shuts down and everything is painted Blue and Orange in support of our beloved Broncos. They dismiss school early and everyone gathers to watch the Homecoming Parade where every kid that plays on any team or in any band rides on floats and throws candy. The parade is led by the TWO Cerro Gordo squad cars and the rear is brought up by the entire Cerro Gordo Emergency crew that consists of ONE ambulance, ONE fire truck and ONE rescue truck. In between all of those flashing lights and sirens are homemade floats depicting various ways the Broncos are going to crush their opponents at that night’s game. There was an antique car carrying the only living member of the Cerro Gordo class of 1932 and a flatbed truck that carried all 7 members of the Red Hat Society. There were kids on bikes chanting “Go Broncos”, convertibles carrying last year’s Homecoming King and Queen, this year’s King and Queen, Little Mr. and Miss Piatt County, Little Mr. and Miss Cerro Gordo, Little Mr. and Miss Bronco, Little Mr. and Miss Tuesday Afternoon……….and probably a few more that I missed.

Honey was at work so MaMaw picked me and the girls up so that we wouldn’t miss the pre-game festivities. Riding with her the 4 minutes it takes to get to Cerro Gordo from my house was the scariest thing I’ve ever done! She spent most of her time looking in the backseat talking to Bug while I held my breath and prayed that we would make it in one piece. We arrived at the school (alive) and I put Bean in her stroller and we made our way to a “good spot” where we could see all of the action. I located Baby Girl and we all watched the parade, waved like fools, clapped and cheered for every athlete and beauty queen that drove by and the girls chased candy until they filled a HUGE bag with Tootsie Rolls, suckers and gum. After the entire precession had passed us we all relocated to the END of the route so that we could watch it all over again as they returned to the school………..again waving and clapping like we hadn’t seen any of this 5 minutes ago. We loaded up and MaMaw drove us back home where I promptly cracked open an ice cold beverage to calm my nerves.

Although the parade was really fun it was NOT the highlight of the day, nor was the football game that night (although the Broncos got DEMOLISHED). No, the highlight of the day was Willy Bingo!!! What is Willy Bingo you might ask……….as I did. Well my friends, Willy Bingo is an event that they have in Cerro Gordo to raise money for the after prom party…….a very good cause. In order to have a regulation Willy Bingo game you have to fence in a section of field and paint a grid in the enclosure consisting of 300 equally sized squares. Each square is assigned a number and people can purchase a square for $10. Once all of the squares have been sold the game begins. A kindly old man unloads a calf off of a trailer and releases him into the enclosure. The calf wanders around aimlessly for a few minutes and then he takes a dump. The square in which this precious treasure lands is the “winner” and the owner of that square gets $1000!!! That’s right folks, for 10 bucks you can take a gamble on a big pile of cow crap and possibly multiply your investment by 10!!

In my life I’ve participated in TONS of fundraisers. I’ve bought and sold everything from wrapping paper to frozen pork roasts but I have NEVER heard of selling a chance on cow patties! However, for a school to be able to raise $3000 in less than 10 minutes………that’s pretty impressive. So, the next time that you are at a PTA meeting or a parents meeting with your child’s athletic team and they want ideas on how to raise money raise your hand and suggest Willy Bingo. I’m sure that when you explain it SOMEBODY will say, “that’s bull$*@!”, and you can say, “EXACTLY!”