Schizophrenics With PMS

What is it about getting older? It seems that the older I get, the more my body tries to mess with my mind. I have been dealing with “the curse” since I was twelve years old but for some reason, it seems that my PMS is getting worse. It’s almost like my body is trying to completely drive me insane just in time to throw me into menopause. I keep trying to blame it on birth control pills but I really believe that I’m going nuts and I think my Honey would agree. The following occurred last night. I sure hope he’s there when I go home today.

I started my “green pills” on Tuesday – Ladies, you know what that means. Yesterday I arrived home from work to my wonderful Honey, my beautiful Baby Girl, my lovely niece, Baby Girl’s best friend and our 3 dogs. On a normal day, this would be no big deal; I’m used to the chaotic life I lead. I come in and Honey and Diva are having an intense discussion about how Baby Girl can’t do her homework at school. From the den I hear Baby Girl arguing that it’s against the rules for her to do her homework at school. Crack Head 2 is rambling about how she didn’t have any homework and her kittens were learning tricks. Salty (the little dog) and Nugget (the medium dog) are barking and chasing each other and Snow (the big dog) is lying in the middle of the very small kitchen floor flat on his back.

Now, to set this up a little better you need to know a few things. Honey has always made sure that when I come home from work, I am allowed 10 minutes to myself. I am to go to the garage, patio, roof, etc. and take my smokes and the beverage of my choice. I don’t have to talk to any humans in the flesh or on the phone for at least 10 minutes – that’s the rule – his rule and I love him for it.

Back to yesterday. For whatever reason, PMS, severe mental defect, I’m just a big meanie, whatever, I stood there in the kitchen listening to all of this commotion and I couldn’t take it anymore. I yelled at Snow to get his tail out of my way, I yelled something at Salty and Nugget about breaking off their legs and beating them to death, I told Baby Girl to go her room and do her homework, I told CH 2 to go home and I told Diva and Honey to SHUT UP and quit aggravating Baby Girl. Suddenly the entire house was very quiet. I grabbed my smokes, a Diet Coke and my crossword puzzle and headed to the patio.

Now, I’ve completely shown my tail but dang it, I’m supposed to get 10 minutes! I’m sitting out there on the patio, in the 85 degree sun, in my BLACK shirt and jeans that I’d worn to work. I smoked one cigarette, worked three clues on my puzzle and was about to have a heat stroke. I decided to go in and change and possibly apologize to my family for being such a witch. I gathered up my stuff and headed to the back door……….it was locked! I knocked……….nothing. I knocked again………Nugget appears at the door, wags her tail and runs away. I knock again……..louder……..nothing. As I am walking around to the front of the house I am deciding that I am NOT going to apologize to these people. Yes, they are now “these people”.

I trip over the hose that never gets put away, pick up a towel that one of the Crack Heads had been using to dry off Lord knows what the day before, and get stopped by the neighbor. I stand there with my hands full of crap listening to my neighbor talk about how crappy HER life is for about 5 minutes. I finally make it to the front door and it is also locked. I ring the bell and low and behold, Baby Girl, Diva and Honey appear instantly – they weren’t dead after all! Better yet, they seem surprised to see me standing on the front porch with an armload of stuff. I push past them without saying a word. I make it to my bedroom, change my clothes, put on my fuzzy slippers and emerge feeling refreshed and calmer.

Now, used to when I had PMS, others noticed it but I never did. I notice it now and it’s scary. I apologized to my family for yelling and went back to the patio. Honey made dinner and he and I relaxed on the patio and ate together. Baby Girl opted to stay in the house and watch TV – yeah right, she’s no fool, she was trying to avoid me. Honey offered to take Baby Girl to practice and I thanked him sincerely. He is a wonderful man and I know I’m spoiled rotten at times but he says I deserve it so I’m not going to argue (at least not about that). I ate dinner and was once again calm.

After dinner, we adjourned to the den to watch a little TV before Baby Girl had to leave for practice. We snuggled up on the couch and I had the remote. I should be happy right? Wrong. The whole time I’m sitting there I’m thinking, “I am so angry”. I have no idea why I’m angry, I just am. Then it became like an argument between the voices in my head that went something like this:

Me: I am so angry
Me2: Why are you angry?
Me: I don’t know, I just am
Me2: Well that’s stupid
Me: Who are you calling stupid
Me2: I didn’t say YOU were stupid. Man, you’ve got PMS.
Me: Oh sure! If I’m angry, it must be PMS! Why are you bothering me?
Me2: Me bother you? You are bothering me. Why do you have to be such a haint?
Me: You just don’t understand! Just leave me alone!
Me2: FINE! I didn’t want to talk to you anyway!

Please remember, this is going on in my head while I am cuddled up on the couch with my Honey. He has done nothing, is laying there with me with his arms wrapped around me allowing me to control the TV. He looks up at me, smiles his beautiful smile and leans in to kiss me……….awwwww. My reaction to this is, “Could you move over a little, I am about to sweat to death.” God love him, he did!

By now it’s time for Baby Girl to leave for practice. Honey put his shoes on and kissed me goodbye and asked if I needed anything. “Nope, I’m good”, is my response and I tell him to be careful and I lock the door behind them. I retreat to the garage to smoke and watch TV. I flip for a while and settle on an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. I quickly realize it is the episode where Ray’s wife is dealing with major PMS and going through these God awful mood swings. I find myself laughing out loud while the voices in my head roll their eyes and sign in exasperation.

Later, Honey and I went to pick Baby Girl up from practice. We rode home and talked about her practice. She told us all about her “cradles” which I think is where the throw her in the air and catch her like a basket – I don’t know. Anyway, we get home and it’s time for her to get ready for bed. I tell her to get her PJs on and get in the bed. I stand at her door while she is getting ready and talk some more about her day. She tells me that “Daddy is going to turn off my light” and starts to climb up her ladder. I say to her, in the most loving tone, “Baby Girl, you want to turn off your laps before you get in the bed”. She does and up she goes. I tell her I love her and will see her in the morning. I go back to the garage. Five minutes later, Honey joins me in the garage and tells me that Baby Girl is having some sort of breakdown because I was “rude to her”. WHAT!?!? Rude??? I don’t think so. I asked Honey what he said and he said he told her that I probably wasn’t trying to be rude and that it was no reason to cry. I agreed that was the proper response and shut up. What I wanted to do was march in there and explain the difference between a request for her not to run my utility bill into the clouds and being RUDE – but I didn’t.

Five minutes later, the garage door opens and there stands a squalling 7 year old, holding her head. I asked what was wrong and she goes into this very weepy story about how she had hit her head on one of the other girls’ shoulder when she was doing cradles and it really hurt and she couldn’t sleep and she needed Tylenol. Now, this is the first I’ve heard of this near fatal cradle head butting but for the sake of peace and quiet, I got up, told her to go wash her face and I would get the Tylenol. I brought her back her medicine and a glass of water, she takes the pills and SKIPS back to her room and up her ladder. “Goodnight Mama, see you in the morning” she sings from her loft. “Goodnight Baby Girl, I love you”.

The rest of the evening was uneventful except for the voices in my head.

Me: Kinda funny that I didn’t hear about the accident before.
Me2: Leave her alone, she’s just a kid.
Me: She’s just a kid that is trying to stall going to bed.
Me2: You did it when you were a kid.
Me: Who asked you anyway?
Me2: Fine. You don’t want my opinion, I’ll just shut up.
Me: Good. You get on my very last nerve.
Me2: I am you, you friggin idiot.
Me: Bite Me!

I wonder if Midol has a Schizophrenic Strength gel cap?