My Honey, Cruise Control & Fried Desserts

I love My Honey more that words can express but last night……..if I’d been in the same room with him I probably would’ve caught an assault charge.

I’ve told you that Honey drives a beautiful Dodge Ram 1500. I’ve also mentioned that I drive a POS Jeep Grand Cherokee. Now – in case it’s not obvious – Honey is a M-A-N. That means that he feels that certain things are a necessity in a vehicle…..like T.V., satellite radio, a radar detector, room service…….you name it, it’s a necessity. Anyway, last night he was on his way to a job in Arkansas and he called me to let me know that he “was going to have to get a new truck”. I am immediately concerned as I take this to mean that the truck he currently owns has either been stolen or is totaled. I ask if he is ok. “Yes, I’m fine but my cruise control isn’t working”. WHAT!?!?! I listened to him complain about his non-working cruise control for about two minutes without saying a word. He finally said, “Are you there?” Oh yeah – I was there.

I said, “Do you realize that you are talking to a person that drives a 1994 Jeep with bald tires, no air and windows that have to be hot-wired in order to roll them up or down? Not to mention the fact that the clip on my driver’s side visor is broken so every time I turn it smacks me in the head and the shocks on my back hatch don’t work half the time so the door tries to decapitate me every time I open it?!?! And you have the nerve to call me and tell me that YOU need a new vehicle because your CRUISE CONTROL DOESN’T WORK!?!?!? PUSH THE FRUGGIN PEDAL AND QUIT YOUR WHINING!”

For a moment the phone was silent then I heard, “Uhhh, I guess my cruise control isn’t really a big deal in comparison. Besides, I think it’s still under warranty.” OMG – the dang thing is under warranty and he is talking about a new truck……….I said, “You are so pretty and I love you so much” (code for – you are really on my nerves) and hung up the phone.

I called Erin (his sister – the lawyer) to find out what the max sentence for assault was. She said that it would be better if I only batter him because then I would win my torte. Huh? I think Erin was drunk. Here I was talking about physically abusing her brother and all she could think about was some kind of deep fried dessert? I think all of those law classes have finally melted her brain.