The Poop Scoop Boogie

I was beginning to think that my life was becoming “normal”. I was starting to search my past to find something interesting to write about. I was trying to remember stories from High School, Church, daycare, and anything that would embarrass my brother when Baby Girl came through for me. Thank Heaven for little girls.

We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.

Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.

Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….

“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.

I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.

She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.

This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.

So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.