Septic Saga............Part 1

So, we were here for about three days before we had our first really BIG entertainment! My Honey got up the first Saturday morning that we were here and went to the bathroom for his “morning constitution”. After about 30 minutes I hear him grumbling about the toilet not working right. I go to investigate and find him standing our TINY bathroom with a plunger and a very discouraged look on his face.

He informs me that he has been plunging the toilet but everything is backing up into the tub. Now, keep in mind that this little house is about 100 years old so the pipes are probably not accustomed to modern things like toilet paper. Anyway, my wonderful husband is standing in the bathroom, looking bewildered and surrounded by some not-so-pleasant water and that’s when MaMaw walks in. She evaluates the situation and calls PaPaw. PaPaw drives right over to check out the situation and informs My Honey that he is going to call the plumber. I think, “Cool, we’ll be back in business in a jiffy”. Yeah, right.

Obviously in the small town of Oakley there is only one plumber and Saturdays are his busiest days. About 6 hours later (I made 3 trips around the corner to MaMaws house to pee and Baby Girl broke down once and went behind the barn) my new best friend Joel arrived to check out our pipes. He informs my husband and PaPaw that the “septic tank needs to be emptied”. I overheard this and immediately thought to myself, “Holy cow, the shitter’s full!”. Now, I’m not retarded and I have actually heard of a septic tank before but I didn’t know they had to be emptied (I thought that stuff was bio-degradable) and I’ve sure never been the person who had to worry about such a thing. Joel informs the “men” that he was going to call out his “buddies” and they would come “suck out the tank and jet the pipes”. I was concerned. I mean if a “morning constitution” could reek this much havoc on our poor plumbing, what the Hell was running a jet through them going to do? But, the “men” all shook their heads in agreement as they stood around the yard starring at a hole in the ground so who was I to argue?

Joel got on the phone and called out his “buddies”. He, PaPaw and My Honey then proceeded to sit out in the lawn chairs under a tree and flap their gums for the next 2 hours while they waited on the “septic crew” to arrive. Meanwhile, I was in the house (like a good wife) unpacking boxes and chasing kids. I looked out the window just in time to see the “truck” arrive. It pulled around into the yard near the hole that the “men” had been starring at all morning and two guys jumped out and began starring at the hole. So, now I’ve got Joel, My Honey, PaPaw, Septic Guy 1 and Septic Guy 2 all standing around starring at a hole in the ground discussing what needs to be done. Meanwhile, I’ve GOT TO PEEEEE!!!!

Septic Guy 1 starts unwinding this huge hose from the back of the truck and jamming it into the hole. Septic Guy 2 fires up the pump and thus began the “sucking out of the tank”. Periodically My Honey would come in the house to “check the pipes” which entailed flushing the toilet and starring into the bathtub. On one trip in I stopped him to ask if he could carry out some of the empty boxes to which he replied, “I’ve got to get back out there”. I said, “For what?” and he said, “I’ve got to know what’s going on.” I looked him dead in the eye and said, “They are sucking shit out of a hole in our yard, what ELSE do you need to know!?!?” He gave me this confused look as if to say, “but all of the other boys are starring at the hole” grabbed the boxes and took off back outside.

After the tank was empty, they decided they needed to “jet the pipes”. After about an hour of “jetting” they realized that it wasn’t working and brought in the “big snake”. Joel drug in this VERY large piece of equipment that had what appeared to be teeth on the end. He jerked out toilet out of the floor, sat it in our tub, plugged in the viper snake, ran it down the pipe in the floor and flipped that sucker on. It was LOUD!!! After about 10 minutes, he retracted the snake and it had what appeared to be a dead cat on the end of it. He informed me that those were “tree ruts (not roots, ruts) that had been clogging up the pipes.

He bagged up the “dead cat”, reinstalled our toilet, rolled out his viper snake and off he went. On his way out he told My Honey that “in about a week they would come stick a camera down our toilet to make sure that they’d gotten all the ruts”.

I shook Joel’s hand, gave My Honey a high-five and excused myself cause I still had to pee. I flushed 5 times just to test Joel’s work………….he’s pretty good.