That One Friend

Once in a while you form a friendship with someone that lasts your whole life through. They are the ones you turn to in your hour of need, they are always there to hold your hand, make you laugh and sometimes, just listen. Other times, they are more like the boils on the butt of humanity and you cringe every time their number shows up on caller ID. We all have one and they are usually the ones we spend the most time with because it’s just easier than trying to avoid them.

In my life, I’ve had several. Thank God for the witness protection program or I would’ve never gotten away from that one girl. She was the type that ALWAYS had some kind of problem. She was always angry about one thing or another or one person or another. The whole friggin world was against her or just out to tick her off and she could never understand why. HMMMM………maybe because you are always so dang negative about everything, rude and hateful to everyone you encounter and have absolutely no patience for anyone other than yourself? Nah, it’s probably a Government conspiracy of some kind – that’s the only explanation!

I mean, this chick would call and the first thing out of her mouth was always, “you are never going to believe what happened to me” in that tone that conveyed how completely fed up she was with the world and all of the idiots that surround her on a daily basis. Then I would get 15 minutes of how the waitress at Denny’s spilt coke on the table next to her and it splashed on the floor! Two whole drops of liquid landed 6 inches from her foot and the waitress didn’t EVEN apologize! Once she had established the absolute horror of the event for me, she would then give me another 20 minutes of how stupid people should not be allowed to work around the public and she is going to sue Denny’s for emotional distress for her nearly fatal possible shoe dampening.

The whole time I’m listening in disbelief because I can’t fathom being this petty about anything. I went over and over in my head about how I’d seen her do things 1000 times worse and never dreamed of apologizing to anyone. I was thinking of all of the comments I could make that might bring her back to the same reality as the rest of the planet. I thought of all of the ugly things I could say to make her realize that all though she is far superior to 87% of the population, some people do make mistakes and we just have to say, “Bless his heart” and allow them to breath the same air as us. When my turn came, I was ready. I was finally going to say exactly what I thought. I was going to tell her that she is petty and hateful and that the world doesn’t’ revolve around her. She said, “Can you BELIEVE the nerve of that girl!”. I stuck to my guns and responded, “That Bitch!”. It was just easier to agree than to spend the next hour of my life being told how wrong I am.

I haven’t seen her in lot of years. I used to fantasize that she was either bludgeoned to death by a cashier at Wal-Mart or run over by some “stupid person” she encountered along the way . However, I know in my heart that she was probably a key witness in some serial killer case and now resides in Iowa under the assumed name Beula Ballbricker. And because I believe in karma, I’m sure she’s a waitress at Denny’s and she’s wearing wet shoes.