Here Kitty Kitty

I mentioned in the last post that I was referring to Harley’s mother as Carol Ann because of her “Poltergeist” quality. Well, it’s also because I don’t know her name. Now, it’s not unusual to meet someone and not catch their name but after the exchange I had with her yesterday, I’m a little weirded out about some of the things I DO know about her and her name is not one of them. Read on………

On Monday afternoon I got a call from TJ to warn me about Carol Ann. She said that when I got home from work to RUN into my house because if she caught me outside I would be trapped for days. She went on to tell me that the woman was NUTS and that we might all just need to pack up and head to her boyfriends house for the week. I appreciated the warning but I was now desperate to meet this person. Everyone, including her own child, was telling me that she was crazy – well I had to see for myself. When will I learn to listen!!

When I got home from work I told Honey about my warnings of Carol Ann. He too was intrigued and we decided we HAD to lure her out of the house so we could experience her first hand. I turned on the radio, Honey started watering our grass and Harley’s hoping it would prompt her to poke her head out and ask who he was. Nothing – no sign of her. Harley called from work to see if she was outside and I told her that the coast was clear. Honey and I sat out on the patio talking, laughing and playing with the dogs until almost 6:30pm – nothing.

At around 7pm, Harley stuck her head out the back door and gave me the International sign for “do you have a beer” and asked, “Do you have any parmesan cheese?” I said, “Why yes I do, it’s in the fridge. Would you like to borrow it?” Harley was halfway down the hill before I could get the words out and through my back door. I handed her a beer and started looking for the cheese. Now, Harley can nurse a glass of wine for an hour but she downed that beer in less than 30 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me what had been going on at her house while she was at work.

Harley is an EMACILATE housekeeper. I mean, no matter when you walk in her house it looks like she is ready for an Interior Design photo shoot. Obviously, she does not get this quality from her mother. While Harley was at work, Carol Ann managed to unhook all of the electronic components in her house, go through every closet and box she could find, drug out movies that had been packed away and unscrewed some light bulbs (not removed them, just loosened them – we don’t know why). She had sifted through every piece of paper, including bills and personal stuff and even sifted through the caller ID until she found the name of a male (that Harley quit seeing months ago) and decided to call him. I thought Harley was going to burst into tears. I rubbed her shoulders, told her to breathe deep, gave her some gum and cheese and sent her back home.

I returned to the patio and was filling Honey in on the “next door activities” when Harley returned to the patio to breathe again. She came over and sat down with us and we reassured her that it wasn’t permanent and she could do anything for a week. That’s when she informed us that Carol Ann is kicking around the idea of buying the house next door to Nana. I made a mental note to buy large quantities of a flammable liquid and a box of matches. Harley was just about calm when we heard her back door open and saw a tuft of white hair stick out. I nudged Honey because I knew we were FINALLY going to get to meet this enigma and I didn’t want him to miss a thing!

When Harley saw her – she literally turned pale. She immediately jumped up and started trying to coax Carol Ann back into the house but it was too late…….she’d spotted Snow and was headed down to pet him. This was going to be fun. Harley looked at me with the most sympathetic look and went back in her house. I immediately started asking about this woman’s trip, hoping to get her to talk to us. WELL – as is turned out, talking is her strong point.

After a brief description of her trip she informed us that she was worried about her kitty. She has a cat that she has raised since he was 3 weeks old and he isn’t used to her not being there. She needed to call and check on him and she hoped that he was adjusting well while she was away. Perfectly normal – right? WRONG!!! In the next breath she informed us that she thought her kitty had a new “lady friend” but that she didn’t think he would know what to do with her because he’s never been around other cats. However, she knows that he has a sex drive because he has a “special blanket” that he hauls all over the house and she’s watches him and “he get a hunk of that blanket in his mouth, starts growling and just goes to town”. Yes folks, you understood that correctly. Not only is her cat a little bit on the repressed side, she seems to enjoy watching he and his “special blanket” do the nasty.

I dare not look at Honey because I know I will completely loose it and laugh at this woman but I can see him out of the corner of my eye and his entire head is turning red and he is looking at the ground.

She then proceeds to tell us how “sometimes at night he crawls up on my chest, squirms around and nuzzles my neck. I know what he’s doing but you just have to let him go because it helps him sleep better”. Again – yes, you understood correctly. Carol Ann is being molested by her cat. And that was it – she turned around and went in the house. Well, at that point Honey LOST it. We were both laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces.

Later on that evening when Harley returned the cheese and downed another beer, Honey recounted the story for her. I thought she was going to die. At that point she banned us from speaking to her mother. We are to completely ignore her if she comes outside. Yeah, right – like that’s going to happen. There is no way that I can have that much free entertainment sitting right next door and not enjoy it. I’ve decided that I’m going to mix up a pitcher of margaritas and sit on the patio and wait. Let me know if you want to stop by.