Ok – I haven’t ranted about work in a while but today I am feeling the need. I will go ahead and extend my apologies to any individual that might have been on the call I am about to reference and is offended by this post. However, chances are if you were on that call – you are too stupid to read so I probably don’t have anything to worry about.
So, my company was bought a while back by a much larger company and since that time they have been “absorbing” us into their world. We are supposed to follow their processes and procedures (most of which are so screwed up even they don’t know how they work). Anyway – a while back we moved a lot of our systems to their locations (because we are hicks and couldn’t possibly know how to work stuff) however, these systems are all still supported by our location (because they don’t want hicks teaching them squat). A while back “they” gave us the directive that all of our helpdesks would go to “one number”, meaning that all of our former company users would call one phone number (in a whole other state than any of our locations) to open a trouble ticket that we would then work. In other words – if you sit outside my office – you have to call California and open a ticket so that I can walk out my door and hand you a new mouse. Not to mention the fact that they NEVER give us good or enough information to enable us to solve the problem without contacting the user directly. Frankly – they make my job harder and more time consuming but hey – I’m a hick – what do I know.
Now, the group that now takes our calls is not the ONLY helpdesk within this new large corporation that I joyfully work for. No – I know of 4 different “one number to dial” helpdesks within this organization and none of them have a clue that the others exist – yet my group has to deal with all of them because we support applications enterprise wide. All of these different helpdesks have “critical reporting” that has to be done anytime there is an issue. For example – if I have a server go down in Memphis and it impacts 2 people in Maine – I have to explain why to 14 different people from 5 different states. If I have 3 people in Oregon who can’t login because they don’t know their password – I have to fill out a “root cause” report and submit it to 9 people in 3 different states. If a bird flies into my window and I spill coffee on my keyboard which keeps me from working for the 32 seconds it takes to swap it out thus causing 1 telemarketer to not be able to bore me to death with a sales call – I have to report the outage to 36 people on 2 different planets. So, as you can see – dealing with all of these separate helpdesks has not decreased my workload at all and I am not thrilled about it.
Yesterday I received the following call and I swear to you that I almost “snapped and went off”……….
Me – “This is Syd”
HD – “Hi, Syd, This is Dilbert with the Retards Answering Phones center. I have Larry, Moe, Curly from Georgia and Lucy, Ethel, Ricky and Fred from Boston and Lenny and Squiggy from Detroit on the phone with me and we are trying to resolve an issue with AIR”
Me – “Ok – what seems to be the issue?”
Dilbert – “Well, it seems that when users in London aren’t able to access AIR on the Terminal Server”
Me – “What error are they receiving?”
Larry – “I’m not sure of the error. Can you check the server?”
Me – “I’m logged into it now and AIR launches just fine. What server are they pointing to?”
Squiggy – “I’m not sure. Probably the same one they’ve always used”
Me – “Well these users used to access AIR from a Memphis Terminal Server but that server was decommissioned last Friday. Users should now be getting AIR from the Ohio Terminal Server. Can we find out what server they are pointing to?”
Moe – “Why weren’t we notified of the change?”
Me – “Betty Boop was the project manager on that and she sent out communication to all departments each week for over a month asking for users to test and informing them of when they cutover was going to occur.”
Lucy – “So let me understand this. The problem is the users aren’t pointing to the correct server to get AIR?”
Me – “I don’t know. I need someone to verify which server they are pointing to and what error they are receiving. Who is on with us from London?”
Dilbert – “Umm, I don’t think anyone. Do you need someone from London?”
Me – “Well, it would be helpful if I had a user that was actually experiencing the issue that I could talk to”
Ricky – “Hey Lucy, can you see if you can get either Hughey, Dewey or Louie on the phone from London?”
Dilbert – “I’ll go ahead and call Bert and Ernie from LAN so they can start a sniffer.”
Me – “Let’s find out what the actual issue IS before we drag anyone else on this call”
Dilbert – “Oh, I agree. Curly – can you please page Bert for me while I try to get Ernie on IM.”
Curly – “Dialing now.”
Me – “Um, ok then. Has Lucy come back with a London user yet?”
**silence**
Me – “Hello? Lucy, are you there?”
Lucy – “I’m here. I’m sorry, what was the question?”
Dilbert – “Did you get in touch of Hughey, Dewey or Louie?”
Lucy – “Umm – no. I’ll see if I can track down Donald – he’s their Manager”
Me – “I really need to speak with someone that is actually at a computer that can tell me what is happening on the screen”
Bert – “Hi – this is Bert from LAN. What do you need me to do?”
Dilbert - “Hey Bert, this is Dilbert. I wanted to see if you could put a sniffer on the network to see if we are having any problems getting to AIR from London”
Bert – “Sure, what is the IP of the user in London and what is the IP of the server in Ohio?”
Me – “We don’t seem to be able to find a user that is having this issue. As a matter of fact, at this moment the issue is merely a rumor. I believe the problem is that the users aren’t pointing to the correct server but we are waiting for someone to verify that”
Bert – “I see. Well what is the IP of the server?”
Me – “123.456.7.89”
Lucy – “I’ve got Donald coming on with us now”
Donald – “Hi, this is Donald”
Me – “Hi Donald. We’ve got about 20 people on the phone trying to figure out what is going on with your group”
Donald – “Well, the users are reporting that they can’t get into WATER”
Me – “I’m sorry – did you say WATER because we were told that they couldn’t get AIR”
Donald – “Umm – I thought they said WATER. Hang on; I’ll see if I can find Hughey, Dewey or Louie. Maybe they will know”
Me – “That would be great (sarcasm)”
Lucy – “Let me understand, we have two applications, AIR and WATER, which are down because we didn’t communicate the move of the Terminal Server?”
Me – “No – that is not at all the case. At this point, it seems that only Hughey, Dewey and Louie know what the actual problem is and it would seem they have flown the coop.”
Donald – “Hey – I’ve got Daisy here and she is in front of her computer.”
Bert – “What is your IP address?”
Me – “Hang on; let’s find out what the actual problem is BEFORE we start bombarding her with questions. Daisy, what seems to be the problem?”
Daisy – “Well, when I try to get on, it takes a long time for the login screen to come up”
Me – “When you try to login to AIR?”
Daisy – “I’m not logging into AIR”
Me – “Are you able to login to the Terminal Server?”
Daisy – “Yes”
Bert – “What is the server’s IP?”
Me – “Hang on Bert. Daisy, once you login to the server, what icon are you clicking on?”
Daisy – “AIR”
Me – “Ok? So it’s AIR’s login screen that is taking a long time. How long?”
Daisy – “It’s been taking almost one minute all day”
Bert – “What is the IP for AIR?”
Me – “Daisy – can you try it for me now and count how long it takes. When I access it from here it takes 6 seconds to bring up the login screen”
Daisy – “Ok”
**silence**
Me – “So, how long did it take?”
**silence**
Me – “Daisy?”
Daisy – “Oh, did you want me to try it now?”
Me – “Yes, please”
Daisy – “Ok, that time it took 7 seconds”
Me – “When was the last time that it took almost a minute?”
Daisy – “I’m not sure. I never saw it. Hughey is the one that reported that but he’s gone for the day.”
Me – “Dilbert, I am going to consider this a non-issue”
Lucy – “So who will be sending out the communication in regards to this outage?”
Me – “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t consider this an outage.”
Ricky – “I’m going to document the outage as being caused by the server move not being communicated”
Me – “That’s not what was wrong here and the server move WAS communicated to the users over a week ago”
Bert – “I’m not able to run a trace on this IP”
Ethel – “Hey guys – why don’t we see if we can get some other users to test this from another location”
Me – “There is no issue – if there was my phone would be ringing off the wall and I haven’t gotten one call about this. There was no outage and it doesn’t even seem that there was and issue. I vote this call is over.”
Dilbert – “Ok, I’m going to assign this ticket to Desktop Services Memphis with the notes from this call. Syd, when can we expect resolution to this outage?”
Me – “By 3pm CST tomorrow.” CLICK!!!
This call lasted for 45 minutes. That is 45 minutes that I will NEVER get back. 45 minutes I could’ve spent closing 5 other tickets for people that had REAL issues. 45 minutes of mind numbing back and forth between too many people that don’t have a clue what they are doing. 45 minutes of me contemplating breaking the candle holder on my desk and eating the broken glass in order to ease the pain of the stupidity I’d been exposed to. 45 minutes of…………..gotta go, I’m getting a call from RAP………where is that candle holder?
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