Don't Try This at Home

Ladies, do you remember when you were in high school and you and your best friend decided to dye your hair? You know you did it, we all did and we all wound up with results that probably weren’t EXACTLY what we were hoping for. You learned from this mistake right? I thought I had………..I was wrong.

On Sunday, Baby Girl and I went and got our hair cut. She had hers cut up to her shoulders so she could donate her ponytail to Locks of Love. I had quite a bit of mine cut off so that I could actually have a hair style instead of a ponytail all the time. After we got our hair cuts we did some shopping and had a wonder mother-daughter afternoon. While we were at Target, I got wild hair up my butt and decided that I wanted to color my dark brown hair………blonde.

I’ve been a blonde before and I really liked it. I’ve colored my own hair on numerous occasions with terrific results so I was confident that this experience would be the same. I figured, new town, new style, new color……..Honey would think it was great!! So, I purchased a product called Born Blonde and headed home. Needless to say, Baby Girl was a bit skeptical but I was resolved in my mission and assured her that everything would be fine.

I got home and Honey had been cleaning house and had candles lit everywhere. I showed him the box of hair color and told him of my plans. He loved the idea and poured me a glass of wine and sent me to the bathroom to begin my transformation.

I read the directions and mixed the color appropriately. I sectioned my hair like the instructions said and began to apply the color to my hair (everywhere but the roots – per the directions). I set my timer for twenty minutes, refilled my glass and headed to the porch to relax. When my timer went off, I did a “strand check” just like the directions said. I was supposed to let the first section of hair reach the “orange stage” before I applied the mixture to my roots. So, I wiped off a section of hair with a damp paper towel……no orange. So, per the directions, I reapplied to that strand and set the timer for 5 minutes……..and refilled my glass.

I repeated the “strand check” every 5 minutes 3 more times until my hair was “sorta orange”. Because I’m not the most patient person I figured that “sorta” was close enough and I applied the color to my roots and “loosly piled it” on top of my head……….per the instructions, set my timer for 20 minutes and refilled my glass. When the timer went off, my hair was NOW in the “orange stage” so I set the timer for another 15 minutes. This time, on my way to the fridge, I had a brilliant idea. I know that the color is activated by body heat so I figured if I could trap in the body heat it would speed up the process. I grabbed the Seran Wrap, refilled my glass, and headed back to the bathroom. I emerged with my head covered in plastic wrap and had a seat on the couch. My Honey and Baby Girl just looked at me and smiled…..like you smile at someone in the burn unit……that smile that says, “oh my, your life is really going to suck”. I just smiled back….with that smile that says, “I’m half lit and don’t care what you think”.

When the timer went off, I checked my hair – still not blonde. It had now been an hour and fifteen minutes since I started this endeavor and the box says not to leave it on for longer than and hour and thirty minutes so, I did the math……..and set the timer for another 20 minutes………and refilled my glass. This time when the timer went off, I made the announcement that it HAD to be done by now and I went to get in the shower. I washed my hair and applied the conditioner………..like the directions said. I got out of the shower, wrapped my head in a towel (without looking in the mirror) and went to the bedroom to get dressed. I walked through the living room and announced to Honey that “his new wife would be out in a moment”. I returned to the bathroom, retrieved my hairdryer from under the sink and removed the towel from my head. I almost FAINTED!!!

My hair was about 5 shades of ORANGE with WHITE roots!!! I screamed – which summoned My Honey and Baby Girl. Honey said, “maybe it will be better once it’s dry” and smiled sympathetically. Baby Girl said, “I TOLD you not to do it”. I can always count on her for her compassion. I told them to both get out of the bathroom and I proceeded to blow my hair dry. Not only was it ORANGE but it was SPECKLED. There were spots of brown still in it where I’d obviously not completely covered the hair with the mixture. The roots were so white that I looked albino and the ends were a light orangy-brown color AND it was D-R-Y!!! I was mortified!! So, I refilled my glass and went back into the living room and sat down. It was obvious that Honey had been giving Baby Girl some lessons on manners because she looked at me and said, “It’s not so bad Mama. It’s REALLY shiny!” I said, “Baby Girl, brassy isn’t shiny.” To which she replied, “I mean it’s really BRIGHT.” Yeah, bright like a friggin orange traffic cone!!!

Honey just put his arm around me and said, “I like it”. He has a way of knowing when to lie to me if it means it improves his chances for intimacy later. I said, “You are such a liar but thank you anyway.” He said he would go to Walmart for me and get another color right then but I told him it could wait until morning. We put the kids to bed and went to bed ourselves. Unfortunately for him, his lying didn’t improve his chances that night because I was asleep in approximately 5 minutes thanks to my friend Sunset Blush.

Yesterday, Honey brought me another hair color. I told him not to get a lightening kit but a permanent color in the hopes that I could blend everything together and maybe get an actual blonde color. I told him to get Medium Ash Blonde….he got Lightest Platinum Blonde…….not exactly the same but I was desperate. Honey’s 10 year reunion is this weekend and I don’t think I’m going to be allowed to go…….unless they change it to a costume party (I could be the Great Pumpkin). I applied the color, set the timer and hoped for the best (you notice no wine this time). After the appropriate length of time I washed my hair and conditioned it. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised. The spots were gone and my hair was now a beautiful shade of………light……..cooked carrots. That’s right – still orange, but now one consistent shade of orange.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve got three days to figure it out. I think I may just color it back to brown but I’m afraid all of my hair will fall out……..or turn GREEN. Any advice would be appreciated but be kind………it should be obvious that I am not of sound mind.