Yes, They Are All The Same.....Walmart War Zone

Being that I have recently moved to the Wonderful Land Of Corn, I am still finding myself a little confused about the way things work up here. Those of you who know me and/or have read the archives, know that I can’t STAND to go to Walmart. I find the entire experience less pleasurable than being dragged naked behind a truck over broken glass. I thought maybe once I got out of the city my view of the entire experience might change. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

In earlier posts I’ve discussed how much I detest going to Walmart. It’s not the STORE I don’t like. I LOVE the selection of merchandise, the great prices and the fact that I can buy bacon and bras under the same roof. It’s the EXPERIENCE that drives me nuts. From the time I turn into the parking lot until the time I pull out again I am in a constant state of high stress. The parking is horrible, there are never enough checkouts open and I ALWAYS get the crappy cart. I thought maybe those were all just byproducts of Memphis but it seems that is a universal trait of all Walmart stores. (I really wish they would contact me about how to improve MY experience).

Being as how I live in the middle of nowhere now I’m very excited when I can actually drive someplace and not get lost. Walmart is one of the ONLY places I know how to get to so unfortunately, out of necessity, I go there often. I would like to first point out that people up here drive like maniacs!!! There is no yielding to oncoming traffic or waving a person out in front of you that has been sitting there for 20 minutes waiting for a chance to go. Oh NO………it is like driving the gauntlet everytime you start your engine up here.

So, on my first outing to the Walmart I had mixed emotions. On one hand, I was very excited to be able to actually make it to the retail establishment WITHOUT having to call my husband for directions. I was out of the house………ALONE and I had an open mind. On the other hand, I was about to enter the one place on Earth that will ultimately drain every ounce of life force from my body. When I pulled into the parking lot (after waiting to turn left for almost 10 minutes because God forbid someone leave 3 feet of space between them and the car ahead of them while waiting for the light to change) I started to get tense.

I dodged cars going the wrong way down the lane in the parking lot and finally found a space that was (and I’m not lying because I am a counter) 178 steps from the front entrance. As I approached the store, I veered to the right as that is the door that should be the one marked ENTER……..nope. The doors are backwards up here and you enter on the left. I figured that out when some guy with 12 bags of charcoal and 3 cases of beer ran over my foot……..and never said a word.

I made it through the “lobby” area and found a cart. The cart seemed to roll fine so I thought that my day was getting better. I then realized that I had NO clue where anything in this store was so I was going to have to wander (oh darn). I had a list of things I needed, mostly baby stuff so I started wandering around looking for the baby section. I found it in the back of the store and filled my cart with everything on my list. I then proceeded to the grocery section to grab a few things when I passed the “liquor section”!! You can buy everything from beer to tequila at the Walmart!! It wasn’t on my list but I was so excited I threw in a 12 pack of Bud Select out of sheer joy. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all. WRONG!

I rounded the corner and retrieved the dairy items I had on my list and then headed up the main corridor looking for the bread aisle. That’s when IT happened. I must first add that the people in Walmart drive their carts just like their cars. The do not seem to adhere to any “rules of the road” so it’s definitely an adventure to be the “newby” trying to find your way around. I stayed in the “slow lane” but was still being run over and I got a few dirty looks from the people passing me. Anyway, I was maneuvering down the main corridor looking at the aisle signs trying to find the bread when I felt the front of my cart jerk to the left. I immediately thought I’d run into an end-cap or a display but I was wrong. I had been hit by…………..A WOMAN ON A HANDICART!!!! That’s right folks, ANOTHER handicart happening.

Now, because I am from the South, and I don’t know what’s actually wrong with this woman, I say, “Oh, I’m so sorry”. Where I’m from, that was her cue to say, “Oh no, I’m sorry” but I’m not where I come from anymore. Up here, when you run into someone that had the right of way and you were at fault you say, “Watch where you’re going” and then speed off (well, putt off as the case was here). I just stood there in shock for a second, shook my head and continued on my quest for bread.

About 3 aisles later I had located the bread and was “squishing” the loaves to find the freshest. I was standing in front of my basket and not really paying attention to anything except what I was doing when all of a sudden, my basket bumped into my side. I looked up and there SHE was again and this time she was nudging my basket forward to get it out of her way!!! At this point I really thought I was going to go to jail. I said, “I’m sorry, is my cart in your way?” and she looked at me and said, “Can’t you tell?”. That was IT!! I said, “Look lady, it’s obvious that you aren’t a mute so why didn’t you just say ‘excuse me’?” She got the most confused look on her face and said, “For what?”. I said, “You are pushing my cart with your scooter into my body and you don’t think you should say excuse me? Are you from another PLANET?” Then came the response that nearly put me on the news. “You sound like you are from the South, that explains the lack of manners”. I LOST IT!! I said, “ME? LACK OF MANNERS?? ARE YOU ON CRACK? THAT’S THE SECOND TIME YOU’VE RUN INTO ME!!” She looked shocked. I shoved my cart into her scooter and moved her back a few inches and said, “You would do well to stay away from me unless you want this to be your LAST trip to Walmart”. I threw my bread in my basket and walked away.

I proceeded to the produce section and tried to calm myself by squeezing the tomatoes (those things can be messy). While I was wiping my hands off on one of the plastic produce bags I was approached by a young woman. She said, “I saw what happened back there on the bread aisle”. I poised myself for round two and was about to tell her off when she continued with, “I think you are my new hero” then she smiled and walked away.

I felt very vindicated. I proceeded to the checkout and happily paid for my purchases. When I got home and recounted my encounter to My Honey he just rolled his eyes. He is convinced that I am going to wind up on the front page of the paper with the headline “CRAZED SOUTHERN WOMAN BLOWS UP WALMART” leaving him to raise our children alone. Hmmmmmmmmm……..that just might not be a bad idea.