I am learning all kinds of new stuff living up here in the fields. One of those things is when PaPaw says “soon” he means SOON. At approximately 7:30am the very next morning we were introduced to Deano……Saint of Septic Systems.
Deano arrived with PaPaw, both toting their coffee cups and wandered around the yard for about 20 minutes. He threw out some numbers……….several times and not once were they the same…..and they agreed on a price of somewhere around $4500 to install a new tank, new pipe and new laterals (those are the “pipes” that drain the excess “fluids” out of the tank and into the “leach field”…….I looked it up). He informed us that he would be able to get it done that afternoon and left to go get his equipment. I was a little bit concerned but I’m a city girl – what do I know?
Deano showed back up to begin the installation of our new septic system at 3:30pm!! He brought two guys, his backhoe, a tiller and a flatbed truck which held 240 ft. of laterals, a bunch of PVC pipe and my beautiful new 1000 gallon septic tank. His first order of business was to FIND the pipe that led from the house to the old tank. He did this by digging in the area where he “felt it should be”. After about 15 minutes, he’d dug a trench next to my patio that was about 8 ft. long and 4 ft. deep. He did not find the old pipe but he DID managed to find the water line……….which he broke. You see, there’s no “call before you dig” number out here…….in Oakley you use the “feel like” method which is Northern for “GUESS”
So, while Honey went to shut off the water, Deano “studied” the ground for a while and then made the announcement that he “felt like” he needed to move back a little farther as to be in line with the junction that was in the yard (DUUHHH). After a few more minutes, he found the pipe and his two “helpers” started busting it up with sledge hammers. They then installed the new pipe that would lead to our new....um…tank. All the while Deano just kept on digging. Snaking this long trench around our beautiful yard and throwing mounds of dirt all over the place. I was so engrossed in the destruction of my beautiful yard I almost forgot to grab my camera to take pictures – that’s right, I a city girl and a new septic tank isn’t something you see everyday.
When I came out with the camera, Honey had the most mortified look on his face. He said, “PLEASE tell me you aren’t going to take pictures of the septic tank”. I was shocked. OF COURSE I was going to take pictures. I plan to have at LEAST two pages in my scrapbook dedicated to our Septic Saga. So, much to his horror, I started snapping pictures (you will see them below). The “men” just laughed at me and made comments about me being from Tennessee like that was something that made ME odd. At least in Tennessee when I flushed it didn’t wind up in some mysterious hole in my backyard!!
Anyway, after about 4 hours the entire job was complete. I had the honor of being the official “tester” and everything worked wonderfully. While I was testing, the “helper” was filling in the lateral trenches and tilling over the mounds of dirt in order to flatten them out some. He did a great job and the girls were already digging in the soft dirt and looking for “treasure” i.e. broken glass, pieces of pipe, tree roots and rocks. I came outside just in time to see Deano loading up the tiller on his truck........without tilling up the MOUNDS of dirt that were directly outside my back door. I asked PaPaw, “isn’t he going to till up this stuff too?” pointing at the mounds that had tree roots and pieces of broken clay pipe jutting out of the top like some kind of Vietnamese booby trap. He said, “Well, I would’ve thought he would but he must have a good reason not to”. Being that I am not yet of the mindset that as a woman I should just stay in the house and bake pies, I decided that good ole Deano was going to have to explain his “good reason” to ME and off I went (with a baby on my hip – cause I’m a redneck woman) to ASK Deano nicely why he was leaving a deathtrap in my backyard.
As I walked away, PaPaw informed My Honey that if Deano didn’t think it needed to be tilled down it wasn’t going to get done. My Honey informed PaPaw that if I wanted it to be tilled down he could bet his last dollar that it was going to get done. About 2 minutes later, the “helper” was driving that tiller back up to my house and PaPaw just shook his head. He told My Honey, “I can’t believe they gave into her” to which My Honey replied, “I had NO doubt”.
So, after another few minutes, the ENTIRE job was complete and Deano loaded up his truck and left with the promise of coming back in a week to till everything again and put down seed. That was 3 weeks ago and we have yet to see him. My Honey says that he probably won’t come back for fear I will be at home. It looks like I’m not the only one that has to “get used to” a new way of life. Some of the “men folk” up here have NO idea what to think of me but as long as I say what I have to say in my best Southern accent………..they tend to “feel like” doing what I ask.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Septic Saga..........Part 2
Well, as much as I hate to say it, Joel did not manage to fix our problem. You know me, I hate to bash my new best friend but if the shoe fits…………don’t flush it.
About two weeks after Joel “snaked the pipes” we started having trouble. It wasn’t as bad this time, no sewage backing up into the tub, but problems none the less. This time the problem seemed to be drainage. For example, if someone took a shower, you couldn’t flush the toilet for at least 30 minutes afterwards in order to let the water drain COMPLETELY out of the pipes. If you did dishes, the time was about 20 minutes until you could flush. So, we had to learn the “combination” to our pipes.
Now, for Honey and I this wasn’t such a big deal but trying to explain to the very children that we’d fussed out 1,000 times to FLUSH THE POTTY…..well that’s a different story. So, everytime that Bug would flush while I was doing dishes, she would panic because the toilet was “freaking out”. Everytime Baby Girl would “forget” and flush before the allotted time, she would try to plunge the toilet and then I would have water all over the floor. My Honey insisted that it was just “an old house and they’ve got to learn”. I insisted that, “I am NOT going to tell the kids NOT to flush and have them leaving presents in other people’s bathrooms”. So, we agreed that it was time to call the plumber back and take advantage of our 30 day warranty.
I called the plumbing company that (Saturday) and they said that they could send someone on Sunday when the “jet truck was available”. I agreed that visit from my friend Joel after church would be lovely and hung up. I told My Honey of the plan and we did a little dance of joy right there in the kitchen.
After church on Sunday, we raced home and waited anxiously on the front porch for the plumbing truck to arrive. My Honey had to leave to take the Bug home so I had to wait alone. I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw that big Mike Williams Plumbing Mecca on wheels pull into the driveway. However, Joel was not the driver, this time, they’d sent Travis (I suppose he was the “Big Gun”) to check out our pipes. Travis walked around the yard, checked the “junction” (because our house and Mam’s house are on the SAME TANK) and decided that he needed to “snake it from the junction”. I shook my head in agreement (I am quickly becoming an expert on this subject) and told him he could pull his truck up in the yard.
After he completed snaking out the pipe (again) he inspected the septic tank and informed us that it was completely shot and that the “laterals” were clogged (whatever the Hell those are). I again shook my head in agreement and made a mental note to look up “laterals” online once he left. By this time, PaPaw had arrived to supervise the snaking of the pipes under the guise of mowing the yard. After he finished mowing, he talked to Honey about the septic issue and he informed Honey that his neighbor was a “septic guy” and he would have him come out and look at it soon. I figured that meant in a week or so…………….WRONG.
To Be Continued…………..
About two weeks after Joel “snaked the pipes” we started having trouble. It wasn’t as bad this time, no sewage backing up into the tub, but problems none the less. This time the problem seemed to be drainage. For example, if someone took a shower, you couldn’t flush the toilet for at least 30 minutes afterwards in order to let the water drain COMPLETELY out of the pipes. If you did dishes, the time was about 20 minutes until you could flush. So, we had to learn the “combination” to our pipes.
Now, for Honey and I this wasn’t such a big deal but trying to explain to the very children that we’d fussed out 1,000 times to FLUSH THE POTTY…..well that’s a different story. So, everytime that Bug would flush while I was doing dishes, she would panic because the toilet was “freaking out”. Everytime Baby Girl would “forget” and flush before the allotted time, she would try to plunge the toilet and then I would have water all over the floor. My Honey insisted that it was just “an old house and they’ve got to learn”. I insisted that, “I am NOT going to tell the kids NOT to flush and have them leaving presents in other people’s bathrooms”. So, we agreed that it was time to call the plumber back and take advantage of our 30 day warranty.
I called the plumbing company that (Saturday) and they said that they could send someone on Sunday when the “jet truck was available”. I agreed that visit from my friend Joel after church would be lovely and hung up. I told My Honey of the plan and we did a little dance of joy right there in the kitchen.
After church on Sunday, we raced home and waited anxiously on the front porch for the plumbing truck to arrive. My Honey had to leave to take the Bug home so I had to wait alone. I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw that big Mike Williams Plumbing Mecca on wheels pull into the driveway. However, Joel was not the driver, this time, they’d sent Travis (I suppose he was the “Big Gun”) to check out our pipes. Travis walked around the yard, checked the “junction” (because our house and Mam’s house are on the SAME TANK) and decided that he needed to “snake it from the junction”. I shook my head in agreement (I am quickly becoming an expert on this subject) and told him he could pull his truck up in the yard.
After he completed snaking out the pipe (again) he inspected the septic tank and informed us that it was completely shot and that the “laterals” were clogged (whatever the Hell those are). I again shook my head in agreement and made a mental note to look up “laterals” online once he left. By this time, PaPaw had arrived to supervise the snaking of the pipes under the guise of mowing the yard. After he finished mowing, he talked to Honey about the septic issue and he informed Honey that his neighbor was a “septic guy” and he would have him come out and look at it soon. I figured that meant in a week or so…………….WRONG.
To Be Continued…………..
Septic Saga............Part 1
So, we were here for about three days before we had our first really BIG entertainment! My Honey got up the first Saturday morning that we were here and went to the bathroom for his “morning constitution”. After about 30 minutes I hear him grumbling about the toilet not working right. I go to investigate and find him standing our TINY bathroom with a plunger and a very discouraged look on his face.
He informs me that he has been plunging the toilet but everything is backing up into the tub. Now, keep in mind that this little house is about 100 years old so the pipes are probably not accustomed to modern things like toilet paper. Anyway, my wonderful husband is standing in the bathroom, looking bewildered and surrounded by some not-so-pleasant water and that’s when MaMaw walks in. She evaluates the situation and calls PaPaw. PaPaw drives right over to check out the situation and informs My Honey that he is going to call the plumber. I think, “Cool, we’ll be back in business in a jiffy”. Yeah, right.
Obviously in the small town of Oakley there is only one plumber and Saturdays are his busiest days. About 6 hours later (I made 3 trips around the corner to MaMaws house to pee and Baby Girl broke down once and went behind the barn) my new best friend Joel arrived to check out our pipes. He informs my husband and PaPaw that the “septic tank needs to be emptied”. I overheard this and immediately thought to myself, “Holy cow, the shitter’s full!”. Now, I’m not retarded and I have actually heard of a septic tank before but I didn’t know they had to be emptied (I thought that stuff was bio-degradable) and I’ve sure never been the person who had to worry about such a thing. Joel informs the “men” that he was going to call out his “buddies” and they would come “suck out the tank and jet the pipes”. I was concerned. I mean if a “morning constitution” could reek this much havoc on our poor plumbing, what the Hell was running a jet through them going to do? But, the “men” all shook their heads in agreement as they stood around the yard starring at a hole in the ground so who was I to argue?
Joel got on the phone and called out his “buddies”. He, PaPaw and My Honey then proceeded to sit out in the lawn chairs under a tree and flap their gums for the next 2 hours while they waited on the “septic crew” to arrive. Meanwhile, I was in the house (like a good wife) unpacking boxes and chasing kids. I looked out the window just in time to see the “truck” arrive. It pulled around into the yard near the hole that the “men” had been starring at all morning and two guys jumped out and began starring at the hole. So, now I’ve got Joel, My Honey, PaPaw, Septic Guy 1 and Septic Guy 2 all standing around starring at a hole in the ground discussing what needs to be done. Meanwhile, I’ve GOT TO PEEEEE!!!!
Septic Guy 1 starts unwinding this huge hose from the back of the truck and jamming it into the hole. Septic Guy 2 fires up the pump and thus began the “sucking out of the tank”. Periodically My Honey would come in the house to “check the pipes” which entailed flushing the toilet and starring into the bathtub. On one trip in I stopped him to ask if he could carry out some of the empty boxes to which he replied, “I’ve got to get back out there”. I said, “For what?” and he said, “I’ve got to know what’s going on.” I looked him dead in the eye and said, “They are sucking shit out of a hole in our yard, what ELSE do you need to know!?!?” He gave me this confused look as if to say, “but all of the other boys are starring at the hole” grabbed the boxes and took off back outside.
After the tank was empty, they decided they needed to “jet the pipes”. After about an hour of “jetting” they realized that it wasn’t working and brought in the “big snake”. Joel drug in this VERY large piece of equipment that had what appeared to be teeth on the end. He jerked out toilet out of the floor, sat it in our tub, plugged in the viper snake, ran it down the pipe in the floor and flipped that sucker on. It was LOUD!!! After about 10 minutes, he retracted the snake and it had what appeared to be a dead cat on the end of it. He informed me that those were “tree ruts (not roots, ruts) that had been clogging up the pipes.
He bagged up the “dead cat”, reinstalled our toilet, rolled out his viper snake and off he went. On his way out he told My Honey that “in about a week they would come stick a camera down our toilet to make sure that they’d gotten all the ruts”.
I shook Joel’s hand, gave My Honey a high-five and excused myself cause I still had to pee. I flushed 5 times just to test Joel’s work………….he’s pretty good.
He informs me that he has been plunging the toilet but everything is backing up into the tub. Now, keep in mind that this little house is about 100 years old so the pipes are probably not accustomed to modern things like toilet paper. Anyway, my wonderful husband is standing in the bathroom, looking bewildered and surrounded by some not-so-pleasant water and that’s when MaMaw walks in. She evaluates the situation and calls PaPaw. PaPaw drives right over to check out the situation and informs My Honey that he is going to call the plumber. I think, “Cool, we’ll be back in business in a jiffy”. Yeah, right.
Obviously in the small town of Oakley there is only one plumber and Saturdays are his busiest days. About 6 hours later (I made 3 trips around the corner to MaMaws house to pee and Baby Girl broke down once and went behind the barn) my new best friend Joel arrived to check out our pipes. He informs my husband and PaPaw that the “septic tank needs to be emptied”. I overheard this and immediately thought to myself, “Holy cow, the shitter’s full!”. Now, I’m not retarded and I have actually heard of a septic tank before but I didn’t know they had to be emptied (I thought that stuff was bio-degradable) and I’ve sure never been the person who had to worry about such a thing. Joel informs the “men” that he was going to call out his “buddies” and they would come “suck out the tank and jet the pipes”. I was concerned. I mean if a “morning constitution” could reek this much havoc on our poor plumbing, what the Hell was running a jet through them going to do? But, the “men” all shook their heads in agreement as they stood around the yard starring at a hole in the ground so who was I to argue?
Joel got on the phone and called out his “buddies”. He, PaPaw and My Honey then proceeded to sit out in the lawn chairs under a tree and flap their gums for the next 2 hours while they waited on the “septic crew” to arrive. Meanwhile, I was in the house (like a good wife) unpacking boxes and chasing kids. I looked out the window just in time to see the “truck” arrive. It pulled around into the yard near the hole that the “men” had been starring at all morning and two guys jumped out and began starring at the hole. So, now I’ve got Joel, My Honey, PaPaw, Septic Guy 1 and Septic Guy 2 all standing around starring at a hole in the ground discussing what needs to be done. Meanwhile, I’ve GOT TO PEEEEE!!!!
Septic Guy 1 starts unwinding this huge hose from the back of the truck and jamming it into the hole. Septic Guy 2 fires up the pump and thus began the “sucking out of the tank”. Periodically My Honey would come in the house to “check the pipes” which entailed flushing the toilet and starring into the bathtub. On one trip in I stopped him to ask if he could carry out some of the empty boxes to which he replied, “I’ve got to get back out there”. I said, “For what?” and he said, “I’ve got to know what’s going on.” I looked him dead in the eye and said, “They are sucking shit out of a hole in our yard, what ELSE do you need to know!?!?” He gave me this confused look as if to say, “but all of the other boys are starring at the hole” grabbed the boxes and took off back outside.
After the tank was empty, they decided they needed to “jet the pipes”. After about an hour of “jetting” they realized that it wasn’t working and brought in the “big snake”. Joel drug in this VERY large piece of equipment that had what appeared to be teeth on the end. He jerked out toilet out of the floor, sat it in our tub, plugged in the viper snake, ran it down the pipe in the floor and flipped that sucker on. It was LOUD!!! After about 10 minutes, he retracted the snake and it had what appeared to be a dead cat on the end of it. He informed me that those were “tree ruts (not roots, ruts) that had been clogging up the pipes.
He bagged up the “dead cat”, reinstalled our toilet, rolled out his viper snake and off he went. On his way out he told My Honey that “in about a week they would come stick a camera down our toilet to make sure that they’d gotten all the ruts”.
I shook Joel’s hand, gave My Honey a high-five and excused myself cause I still had to pee. I flushed 5 times just to test Joel’s work………….he’s pretty good.
Holy Crap...........I'm Back!!!!
Well, it took FOREVER, but I finally managed to get back into this site. Thank God because quite frankly, I HATE MySpace.
Lots has happened since my last post. We've moved to ILLINOIS!!! And I'm not talking Chicago. No way, we are in Oakley, IL and for those of you who've never heard of it.......it's right outside of the corn fields and West of the bean fields. Being that I've never lived anywhere but Memphis, this is going to be an adventure.
I'm so glad I'm back online here so that I can share it all with everyone. So, being as how there is very little to do here, you can almost guarentee a daily post out of me so make sure you bookmark me again!!!
Coming today...........Septic Saga........the fun has begun!!
Lots has happened since my last post. We've moved to ILLINOIS!!! And I'm not talking Chicago. No way, we are in Oakley, IL and for those of you who've never heard of it.......it's right outside of the corn fields and West of the bean fields. Being that I've never lived anywhere but Memphis, this is going to be an adventure.
I'm so glad I'm back online here so that I can share it all with everyone. So, being as how there is very little to do here, you can almost guarentee a daily post out of me so make sure you bookmark me again!!!
Coming today...........Septic Saga........the fun has begun!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
My brother has recently (like in the last 12 hours) become a HUGE fan of MySpace. He thinks I should move my blog there. What do you guys think?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Black Friday and Parking Lot Monitors
Those of you who know me are aware that Black Friday is my FAVORITE day of the year. I am addicted to it!! Every year I make my list from the ads, map out my route, plan my strategy, scout out the stores for product location and am up and out of the house by 4am without fail. I do it because I get an incredible high from being able to check off the items on my list. Plus, there is always a possibility that I will get to knock somebody over to get the last Farting Big Bird (or whatever the “big seller” is that year). From 4am to noon those who know me well will not even call me as not to disturb me while I am getting my “fix”. This year was no exception however, this year, I learned something new………..
We have a new baby this year so I was concerned that my poor Honey would be overwhelmed by having Bean, Bug and Baby Girl all in his face at 7am without me there to run interference. I decided that I was going to do a little of my BF (Black Friday) shopping online as most of the items I wanted were advertised as being available online. That would’ve been true if they had thought to increase their bandwidth and/or server space for this occasion and been able to keep their websites up.
I got out of bed at 4:15 (my first sale didn’t start until 5am) and put on a pot of coffee. I got dressed and booted up my computer. I got on Walmart’s site and started loading up my cart so I would be ready for checkout at the 5am sale start time. At 4:55, the site crashed!! I was livid!! I put on my shoes, grabbed my coffee, driver’s license, check card, cigs and phone (true BFer’s do NOT carry a purse on BF) and hopped in my car. “Screw Walmart” I thought, I was headed to Toys R Us.
I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us at exactly 5:06, found a decent parking spot, grabbed my list and my sale ad and ran into the store. There are no baskets but that’s ok, I am only there to get 5 things (a scooter for Bug - $20, 2 Bratz dolls for friends’ kids - $10, 2 DS Lite games for Baby Girl – BOGO) most of them are small so I didn’t need a cart. Plus, I can maneuver better through the crowd if I don’t have a cart. I immediately find the Bratz dolls right inside the door; I grab my two and head to the back for the scooter. I find the scooter with no problem but it’s a little heavier than I anticipated and the box has no handle. I’m still ok though because all I have left is the video games and I am outta there. That’s when my phone rang. I sit my stuff down and dig through my jacket pocket to find my phone. I know it must be an emergency because everyone that KNOWS me would only call if there was an emergency at 5AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!
It was Diamond. “Girl, are you out shopping?” Now this woman has been married to my brother for 7 years – she KNOWS I’m shopping!!! I said, “Yep! I’m at Toys R Us. Whatcha need?” She says, “Oh, nothing, just wanted to see where you were. What are you getting there?” I ran down my list of items (some of which are sitting on the floor so that I can talk on the phone at a COMPLETE STAND STILL). She says, “Look and see if they have the Lizzie McGuire game for GBA for Diva”. I agree and we get off the phone. I continue my journey through 32,174 other idiots that are shopping before dawn in search of video games. I find a medical set that Bug will love for $4 and I grab it. My arms are getting really tired and just as I’m about to head to the front to beg for a cart I spot an empty one “abandoned” in the aisle. I chunk all my stuff in it and begin to maneuver towards electronics to find the games I’m there to get. My phone rings again. Again, I dig through my pockets concerned that someone may have died being as how it is only 5:15AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!
It was Diamond again, “Girl, where are you now?” I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m still at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing, me and Mama are at Khol’s and they don’t have anything I came for………chit chat chit chat” I said, “Well, I’m trying to maneuver my cart through a sea of sleepy people so let me get off the phone.” She says, “Ok. Did you find that game for Diva?” “Not yet, I’m trying to work my way over there now.” Meanwhile, I’m trying desperately to not run into or over anyone with my cart and I’m getting dirty looks from people that seem to say “Get off the dang phone and pay attention to where you’re going”. I said, “Diamond, I really need to get off here before I cause bodily harm to someone.” “Ok girl, I’ll talk to you………..Oh did I tell you that your brother wants a guitar for Christmas? He doesn’t even really know how to play guitar and now he wants a $300 guitar for Christmas!! I told him that I thought it was stupid but if that………(I stopped listening because I managed to ram my cart into a display of Barbies thus drawing even more dirty looks and a few ugly comments). I told her I HAD to go and I would call her back when I left Toys R Us and hung up the phone.
I managed to finally make my way to electronics and started looking for the games. Of course, the ones I came for were all gone but I did manage to find the Lizzie McGuire game and it works for the DS as well so I grabbed two of them - $8 each – and threw them in my cart. I noticed a DS carrying case that I just had to have and put it in my cart - $20. On my way out of electronics I decided to look at the bikes for Baby Girl so I muddled my way all the way to the back of the store (about 15 minutes to get there). While looking at the bikes, I saw something for Z and put it in my cart (I will not say what or how much because he reads this blog). I didn’t like any of the bikes so I decided I was finished and went to get in line. That’s when I got the shock. The END of the line was in the back of the store by the bikes and wrapped around the entire perimeter of the store to the front (about 400 people in front of me). I arrived at the end of the line at 5:45am and positioned my cart behind a young man that had his cart filled with a Dora Kitchen and various other “little girl” things. We were in the middle of “boy toys” and I noticed a sale on toys from the Cars Movie – I grabbed a “Mater” (that’s the tow truck as Baby Girl so graciously informed me later after I referred to it as a dump truck – I haven’t seen the movie) for Cranky - $20 and threw it in my cart.
My phone rang again………guess who……….that’s right, Diamond. It is now 5:50 and I had not talked to her in over 30 minutes – the horror!! “Hey girl, where are you now?” “I’m standing in line at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what was going on. How are the lines there?” I said, “I’m standing behind approximately 400 other idiots in the back of the store near the bikes if that tells you anything.” “Oh my! Well Mama and are still at Khol’s, she’s standing in line holding our place and I’m shopping. I still can’t find anything that I want…..hang on a second” That’s right – she PUT ME ON HOLD! So for the next two minutes I sat there on hold because I am RETARDED!! While I waited for Diamond to come back, the young man in front of me’s wife walked up with two armloads of stuff, dumped it in their basket, turned and disappeared back into the crowd. I kinda of giggled and said, “Looks like you are having a good time”. He explained that his job is to stand in line with the basket and pay for the stuff at the register. He seemed very pleased with himself until I asked, “Where are y’all going after this?” He got the most bewildered look on his face and said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If your wife has you out on Black Friday at 5AM you can be assured this in not the ONLY store you will be standing in line at today”.
About then Diamond got back on the phone and said, “So where are you now?” I almost screamed, “STANDING IN LINE AT TOYS R US!!” To which she replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re leaving Khol’s and heading to Linens-N-Things”. I told her to have fun and got off the phone. The poor guy in front of me says, “Are you being serious about going to other places?” I felt so sorry for him. I just kind of nodded and said, “Sorry”. About 15 minutes later we had moved about 3 steps and his wife showed up with another load of stuff to dump in their basket. This time he said, “Honey, are we going anywhere after we leave here?” in a “please say it isn’t so” voice. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Just to Walmart. I’ll be right back” and she dashed back into the crowd before he could say a word. The look on his face was priceless and I almost wet my pants laughing.
We wound around by the sports equipment and we started to see the “abandoned items pile” of things that people either talked themselves out of or just got tired of waiting and dumped on top of whatever display was close before heading out the door. I found the Miracle on 34th Street DVD and put it in my cart - $15. I got into an interesting conversation with the lady behind me and we decided that they should be handing out biscuits and coffee at the door to make our shopping experience more enjoyable. I rescued a Dora doll whose hair “grows” from the abandoned items pile and put it in my cart - $34. Another 15 minutes passed and we moved another 4 feet. My phone rang again………..guess who………..that’s right!
“Girl, Mom and I are at Linens-N-Things and they don’t have anything I came for. Where are you now?” “STILL standing in line at Toys R Us – Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing. Did I tell you about what Sparky did yesterday?” She then went on for 10 minutes about what all the boys had been doing to drive her nuts (she has 3 under the age of 3………because she is NUTS!!!) I listened for a little while and finally said, “Let me get off the phone so I can pay attention to what I’m doing (standing still takes LOTS of concentration at 6AM). I put my phone back in my pocket, spot some light up spiny thing sitting by itself on an empty shelf so I threw it in my cart (didn’t want it to be lonely) - $5.
At 6:20AM I make it to the front of the line……….where I am directed to a register line!! I wait another 10 minutes and it is finally my turn to check out. I bid farewell to all of my new found friends, pay for the $20 scooter I came for that has somehow now increased to $168, grab my bags and head to the car. The sun is now up and the vultures are swarming the parking lot looking for empty spaces. I take my bags to the car and decide to walk over to Old Navy. I open the front door to grab a smoke for the walk, shut the door and begin to walk away and that’s when I heard it………..
This very shrill, country voice screams, “YOU CAN”T DO THAT!!!” I got excited because I thought I was going to get to see my first fight of the day. I turned around quickly to see what violation had been committed when I realized she was looking (and pointing) at ME. I said, “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” To which she shrieked, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” I said, “Can’t do what?” “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR BAGS IN YOUR CAR AND THEN GO TO ANOTHER STORE!!!!” I was shocked. I was unaware of this new parking lot ordinance and began to look around for the required signage that would indicate this to be true. Again she yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!” Now, keep in mind, I have been up since around 4AM, I have now spent the last hour and a half standing in line and I completely forgot to take my medication this morning which is NOT good news for her. I said, “I don’t know who appointed you the keeper of the parking lot rule book but until I sit my fat @$$ in that drivers seat, crank that bad boy up and back it out, it will sit right there! And if you keep screaming at me like a lunatic I will sit my fat @$$ in the drivers seat, put it in reverse and sit with my foot on the break while I smoke and THEN get out and walk to Old Navy so why don’t you KISS MY @$$!!!!” and I walked away.
I called Honey to inform him that he might have to come get me as there was a strong possibility that all of my tires were going to be flat when I got back from Old Navy. He was quite amused and agreed with me that if a Parking Lot Monitor had been appointed someone should’ve posted a sign and given her some sort of picture ID that would identify her as such.
I shopped at Old Navy for a minute, spent $186 but got a lot of gifts out of the way. I then went to the mall (because I am a drooling idiot) and drove around for about 20 minutes until I found a parking spot. I wandered in the mall for about an hour and managed to get everything I came for. As I slowly headed to my car that was parked at the VERY LAST spot behind Sears I observed this little old man putting bags in his car. I smiled at him as I passed and then I watched him lock his car and head back into the mall. Standing there in the mall parking lot, alone, with my arms loaded down with bags I burst into hysterical laughter. To the point that I almost had to sit down. The little man turned around and said, “Honey, are you alright?” I caught my breath and through my tears said, “You can’t do that”. That poor man looked at me like I was holding a crack pipe and just turned and walked off………..which made me laugh even harder!
I finally got to my car and drove home with all of my great deals feeling satisfied that I had once again beat the retail demon! I relayed my days events to Honey who had met me at the door with my meds (because he KNOWS what it means if I don’t take them) and we both had a few good laughs and started getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the attic.
So, if you are ever brave enough to get out on BF and shop be careful. If you see a middle aged white woman wearing an orange bonnet in a silver Ford Taurus roaming around the parking lot she is not looking for a space. SHE is the parking lot monitor and will call attention to any infraction you commit. I later found out that you can also not sit and wait on a parking spot for longer than 7 seconds without the person behind you honking. You cannot drop off your elderly mother at the door at Target without someone behind you honking and you can never, under any circumstances, stand near your vehicle after loading your bags and carry on a conversation with someone you ran into in Walgreens without having someone yell at you. So, be careful as I’m sure these are just a few of the parking lot rules. I’m going to get online and see if I can find a copy of the actual printed manual and will post it. Until then, watch your step because the monitors are out there and nobody is above reproach.
We have a new baby this year so I was concerned that my poor Honey would be overwhelmed by having Bean, Bug and Baby Girl all in his face at 7am without me there to run interference. I decided that I was going to do a little of my BF (Black Friday) shopping online as most of the items I wanted were advertised as being available online. That would’ve been true if they had thought to increase their bandwidth and/or server space for this occasion and been able to keep their websites up.
I got out of bed at 4:15 (my first sale didn’t start until 5am) and put on a pot of coffee. I got dressed and booted up my computer. I got on Walmart’s site and started loading up my cart so I would be ready for checkout at the 5am sale start time. At 4:55, the site crashed!! I was livid!! I put on my shoes, grabbed my coffee, driver’s license, check card, cigs and phone (true BFer’s do NOT carry a purse on BF) and hopped in my car. “Screw Walmart” I thought, I was headed to Toys R Us.
I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us at exactly 5:06, found a decent parking spot, grabbed my list and my sale ad and ran into the store. There are no baskets but that’s ok, I am only there to get 5 things (a scooter for Bug - $20, 2 Bratz dolls for friends’ kids - $10, 2 DS Lite games for Baby Girl – BOGO) most of them are small so I didn’t need a cart. Plus, I can maneuver better through the crowd if I don’t have a cart. I immediately find the Bratz dolls right inside the door; I grab my two and head to the back for the scooter. I find the scooter with no problem but it’s a little heavier than I anticipated and the box has no handle. I’m still ok though because all I have left is the video games and I am outta there. That’s when my phone rang. I sit my stuff down and dig through my jacket pocket to find my phone. I know it must be an emergency because everyone that KNOWS me would only call if there was an emergency at 5AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!
It was Diamond. “Girl, are you out shopping?” Now this woman has been married to my brother for 7 years – she KNOWS I’m shopping!!! I said, “Yep! I’m at Toys R Us. Whatcha need?” She says, “Oh, nothing, just wanted to see where you were. What are you getting there?” I ran down my list of items (some of which are sitting on the floor so that I can talk on the phone at a COMPLETE STAND STILL). She says, “Look and see if they have the Lizzie McGuire game for GBA for Diva”. I agree and we get off the phone. I continue my journey through 32,174 other idiots that are shopping before dawn in search of video games. I find a medical set that Bug will love for $4 and I grab it. My arms are getting really tired and just as I’m about to head to the front to beg for a cart I spot an empty one “abandoned” in the aisle. I chunk all my stuff in it and begin to maneuver towards electronics to find the games I’m there to get. My phone rings again. Again, I dig through my pockets concerned that someone may have died being as how it is only 5:15AM ON BLACK FRIDAY!!
It was Diamond again, “Girl, where are you now?” I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m still at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing, me and Mama are at Khol’s and they don’t have anything I came for………chit chat chit chat” I said, “Well, I’m trying to maneuver my cart through a sea of sleepy people so let me get off the phone.” She says, “Ok. Did you find that game for Diva?” “Not yet, I’m trying to work my way over there now.” Meanwhile, I’m trying desperately to not run into or over anyone with my cart and I’m getting dirty looks from people that seem to say “Get off the dang phone and pay attention to where you’re going”. I said, “Diamond, I really need to get off here before I cause bodily harm to someone.” “Ok girl, I’ll talk to you………..Oh did I tell you that your brother wants a guitar for Christmas? He doesn’t even really know how to play guitar and now he wants a $300 guitar for Christmas!! I told him that I thought it was stupid but if that………(I stopped listening because I managed to ram my cart into a display of Barbies thus drawing even more dirty looks and a few ugly comments). I told her I HAD to go and I would call her back when I left Toys R Us and hung up the phone.
I managed to finally make my way to electronics and started looking for the games. Of course, the ones I came for were all gone but I did manage to find the Lizzie McGuire game and it works for the DS as well so I grabbed two of them - $8 each – and threw them in my cart. I noticed a DS carrying case that I just had to have and put it in my cart - $20. On my way out of electronics I decided to look at the bikes for Baby Girl so I muddled my way all the way to the back of the store (about 15 minutes to get there). While looking at the bikes, I saw something for Z and put it in my cart (I will not say what or how much because he reads this blog). I didn’t like any of the bikes so I decided I was finished and went to get in line. That’s when I got the shock. The END of the line was in the back of the store by the bikes and wrapped around the entire perimeter of the store to the front (about 400 people in front of me). I arrived at the end of the line at 5:45am and positioned my cart behind a young man that had his cart filled with a Dora Kitchen and various other “little girl” things. We were in the middle of “boy toys” and I noticed a sale on toys from the Cars Movie – I grabbed a “Mater” (that’s the tow truck as Baby Girl so graciously informed me later after I referred to it as a dump truck – I haven’t seen the movie) for Cranky - $20 and threw it in my cart.
My phone rang again………guess who……….that’s right, Diamond. It is now 5:50 and I had not talked to her in over 30 minutes – the horror!! “Hey girl, where are you now?” “I’m standing in line at Toys R Us, Whatcha need?” “Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what was going on. How are the lines there?” I said, “I’m standing behind approximately 400 other idiots in the back of the store near the bikes if that tells you anything.” “Oh my! Well Mama and are still at Khol’s, she’s standing in line holding our place and I’m shopping. I still can’t find anything that I want…..hang on a second” That’s right – she PUT ME ON HOLD! So for the next two minutes I sat there on hold because I am RETARDED!! While I waited for Diamond to come back, the young man in front of me’s wife walked up with two armloads of stuff, dumped it in their basket, turned and disappeared back into the crowd. I kinda of giggled and said, “Looks like you are having a good time”. He explained that his job is to stand in line with the basket and pay for the stuff at the register. He seemed very pleased with himself until I asked, “Where are y’all going after this?” He got the most bewildered look on his face and said, “What do you mean?” I said, “If your wife has you out on Black Friday at 5AM you can be assured this in not the ONLY store you will be standing in line at today”.
About then Diamond got back on the phone and said, “So where are you now?” I almost screamed, “STANDING IN LINE AT TOYS R US!!” To which she replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. We’re leaving Khol’s and heading to Linens-N-Things”. I told her to have fun and got off the phone. The poor guy in front of me says, “Are you being serious about going to other places?” I felt so sorry for him. I just kind of nodded and said, “Sorry”. About 15 minutes later we had moved about 3 steps and his wife showed up with another load of stuff to dump in their basket. This time he said, “Honey, are we going anywhere after we leave here?” in a “please say it isn’t so” voice. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Just to Walmart. I’ll be right back” and she dashed back into the crowd before he could say a word. The look on his face was priceless and I almost wet my pants laughing.
We wound around by the sports equipment and we started to see the “abandoned items pile” of things that people either talked themselves out of or just got tired of waiting and dumped on top of whatever display was close before heading out the door. I found the Miracle on 34th Street DVD and put it in my cart - $15. I got into an interesting conversation with the lady behind me and we decided that they should be handing out biscuits and coffee at the door to make our shopping experience more enjoyable. I rescued a Dora doll whose hair “grows” from the abandoned items pile and put it in my cart - $34. Another 15 minutes passed and we moved another 4 feet. My phone rang again………..guess who………..that’s right!
“Girl, Mom and I are at Linens-N-Things and they don’t have anything I came for. Where are you now?” “STILL standing in line at Toys R Us – Whatcha need?” “Oh, nothing. Did I tell you about what Sparky did yesterday?” She then went on for 10 minutes about what all the boys had been doing to drive her nuts (she has 3 under the age of 3………because she is NUTS!!!) I listened for a little while and finally said, “Let me get off the phone so I can pay attention to what I’m doing (standing still takes LOTS of concentration at 6AM). I put my phone back in my pocket, spot some light up spiny thing sitting by itself on an empty shelf so I threw it in my cart (didn’t want it to be lonely) - $5.
At 6:20AM I make it to the front of the line……….where I am directed to a register line!! I wait another 10 minutes and it is finally my turn to check out. I bid farewell to all of my new found friends, pay for the $20 scooter I came for that has somehow now increased to $168, grab my bags and head to the car. The sun is now up and the vultures are swarming the parking lot looking for empty spaces. I take my bags to the car and decide to walk over to Old Navy. I open the front door to grab a smoke for the walk, shut the door and begin to walk away and that’s when I heard it………..
This very shrill, country voice screams, “YOU CAN”T DO THAT!!!” I got excited because I thought I was going to get to see my first fight of the day. I turned around quickly to see what violation had been committed when I realized she was looking (and pointing) at ME. I said, “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” To which she shrieked, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” I said, “Can’t do what?” “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR BAGS IN YOUR CAR AND THEN GO TO ANOTHER STORE!!!!” I was shocked. I was unaware of this new parking lot ordinance and began to look around for the required signage that would indicate this to be true. Again she yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!” Now, keep in mind, I have been up since around 4AM, I have now spent the last hour and a half standing in line and I completely forgot to take my medication this morning which is NOT good news for her. I said, “I don’t know who appointed you the keeper of the parking lot rule book but until I sit my fat @$$ in that drivers seat, crank that bad boy up and back it out, it will sit right there! And if you keep screaming at me like a lunatic I will sit my fat @$$ in the drivers seat, put it in reverse and sit with my foot on the break while I smoke and THEN get out and walk to Old Navy so why don’t you KISS MY @$$!!!!” and I walked away.
I called Honey to inform him that he might have to come get me as there was a strong possibility that all of my tires were going to be flat when I got back from Old Navy. He was quite amused and agreed with me that if a Parking Lot Monitor had been appointed someone should’ve posted a sign and given her some sort of picture ID that would identify her as such.
I shopped at Old Navy for a minute, spent $186 but got a lot of gifts out of the way. I then went to the mall (because I am a drooling idiot) and drove around for about 20 minutes until I found a parking spot. I wandered in the mall for about an hour and managed to get everything I came for. As I slowly headed to my car that was parked at the VERY LAST spot behind Sears I observed this little old man putting bags in his car. I smiled at him as I passed and then I watched him lock his car and head back into the mall. Standing there in the mall parking lot, alone, with my arms loaded down with bags I burst into hysterical laughter. To the point that I almost had to sit down. The little man turned around and said, “Honey, are you alright?” I caught my breath and through my tears said, “You can’t do that”. That poor man looked at me like I was holding a crack pipe and just turned and walked off………..which made me laugh even harder!
I finally got to my car and drove home with all of my great deals feeling satisfied that I had once again beat the retail demon! I relayed my days events to Honey who had met me at the door with my meds (because he KNOWS what it means if I don’t take them) and we both had a few good laughs and started getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the attic.
So, if you are ever brave enough to get out on BF and shop be careful. If you see a middle aged white woman wearing an orange bonnet in a silver Ford Taurus roaming around the parking lot she is not looking for a space. SHE is the parking lot monitor and will call attention to any infraction you commit. I later found out that you can also not sit and wait on a parking spot for longer than 7 seconds without the person behind you honking. You cannot drop off your elderly mother at the door at Target without someone behind you honking and you can never, under any circumstances, stand near your vehicle after loading your bags and carry on a conversation with someone you ran into in Walgreens without having someone yell at you. So, be careful as I’m sure these are just a few of the parking lot rules. I’m going to get online and see if I can find a copy of the actual printed manual and will post it. Until then, watch your step because the monitors are out there and nobody is above reproach.
They Really Like Me!
My little blog here has been awarded a Best Blog in Tennessee award by Tennessee Bloggers (link in heading) . So I guess they like me. They really, really like me!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Beans, Bugs and Bad Behavior
Today was Bean’s two month checkup. She weighs 11 pounds and 15 ounces!!! I told you she was getting fat. Anyway, she is 22 ½ inches long and the doctor says she is doing GREAT!! She was so good, she was wide awake, laughing and “talking” to everyone…….until they stuck her in the leg.
We loaded up Bean and Bug this morning and headed to the doctor for our 9:30am appointment. When we arrived at the doctor, at 9:45am, Bug immediately “NEEDED a drink” because they have a water fountain in the lobby. So, I helped her get a drink and that’s when she noticed that there is also a bathroom in the lobby so of course – she has to pee. I took her in the bathroom and she sat on the potty explaining to me about the sink and how she needed to wash her hands and that the nurse was going to open the door and say our name and we were going to stand on the scale and, and, and……. (I just LOVE this age). We sat there for 5 minutes and I finally said, “Do you really need to potty or was that just a story so you could check out the bathroom?” She says, “It was just a lie”. Gotta love that three year old honesty! So, we got off the potty, washed our hands, dried them with 42 paper towels and headed back to the lobby to sit with Honey and Bean until we are called back. We stopped to get another drink from the water fountain and all seemed well…….. for the moment.
We waited about another 10 minutes and were called back to our room. As soon as the nurse opened the door, Bug took off down the hall and hopped on the scale. I tried to explain to her that we were there for Bean’s checkup but she informed me, with her finger pointed, that, “You HAVE to get on the scale at the Doctor Man’s house”. She was not budging until I weighed her (she’s 33 pounds by the way). That seemed to satisfy her and all seemed well……. for the moment.
We went into our assigned room and the nursed closed the door. Bug immediately started to drag the step stool out from under the exam table and slide it over to the sink because she “NEEDS to wash her hands”. Being that she hadn’t touched anything since she washed her hands 10 minutes ago I told her that she didn’t need to and to put the stool back. This did not bode well with the Bug as the lip immediately shot out and she started to cry saying, “But I love my Daddy”. Now, I’m not sure why she thought that my denial of her playing in the sink in the exam room would somehow indicate to her father that she no longer loved him but it would seem that is how she interpreted it. She wrapped herself around his leg and cried and he picked her up (because he likes it to be quite….and he’s a sucker) loved on her and told her that he loved her. The tears immediately stopped and she got down, went to the exam table and began to drag the stool back over to the sink!! I decided that I didn’t want to listen to the next fit so I let her wash her hands. She dried them with 9 paper towels, asked what everything was on the counter, argued with us when we told her what the objects were and then returned the stool to its place. She was satisfied and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The nurse came in and measured Bean. Bug told her all about how Bean was her baby sister and how she was a big helper and, and, and……. The nurse left and we waited for the doctor to come in. Bug now decided that she needed to be on the exam table too so she climbed up the stool and laid down so that she could talk (in a VERY high pitched tone) to Bean. That lasted for about a minute and then she got down. Then she got back up on the table. Then she got back down. We did this 3 times before I said, “Please stop climbing up and down, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself.” To which she responded by sticking out her lip and crying, “But I love my daddy”. Again, her father is obviously such an idiot that he believes her love for him is directly related to ME telling her “no” therefore, she MUST make sure to voice her love for him every time I correct her. She crawled up in his lap and hugged him as tight as she could and shot me a look that said, “Whatcha gonna do now heifer?” I just rolled my eyes because she was finished pitching her fit and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The doctor came in and examined Bean. Bug stood right up his butt informing him that Bean was HER baby sister and she was a big helper and she can hold her and she can put the Nuk in her mouth, and, and, and…….. The doctor said that everything was cool with Bean, explained about the shots she was going to get and left the room. Bug reached under the exam table and started to drag the stool over to the sink. I told her to put the stool back. She started to climb back up on the table and I told her to get down. She started trying to pull things off the wall and I told her to stop. All of this with no fit so I thought maybe things were getting better………for the moment.
The nurse came back in to administer FOUR shots into my poor baby girl’s legs. I held her hands and talked to her and she smiled at me and laughed and then………the first stick. She screamed bloody murder. The nurse was great and got all 4 shots done lightening fast. I loved on my baby girl and got her dressed and as I reached for a tissue to dry MY tears Honey reached out to pick up the Bean and feed her. I slapped his hand and asked, “WHAT do you think you’re doing?” “Uh, I was going to feed her” he replied. “I don’t THINK so.” I said. I’ll be danged if he thinks I’m going to be the one that holds her down and allows strangers to ram needles into her legs and then HE is going to swoop in and be the hero!! So, I took the bottle, cradled my baby and began to feed her. Honey gathered up all of our stuff and we headed to the lobby so I could finish feeding her before we loaded up in the car. She had calmed down and was happily drinking her bottle and all seemed well………for the moment.
During our exchange about how I was not going to allow Honey to be the good guy, Bug had managed to drag that dang stool over to the sink and was now whining because she had soap on her hands and couldn’t turn on the water. Honey chastised her for going back to wash her hands for the 3rd time in less than an hour (I’m convinced she has OCD) but he turned on the water and helped her rinse off. As she dried her hands on 14 paper towels I informed her that she was LUCKY that Daddy was dealing with her because I would’ve popped her butt because she had been told SEVERAL times not to play around in that sink. Out came the lip but before she could speak I said, “I know, you LOVE your daddy. That’s great – now put on your coat.” She put on her coat and we headed to the lobby. I sat down to finish feeding Bean and Bug informed Honey that she needed a drink but that she could do it all by herself. So, because he is a doting father (and a sucker that will just never learn” he let her get a drink all by herself. The next sound I hear is her crying at the top of her lungs because she had gotten water all over her shirt and somehow down on leg of her pants. Honey tried to comfort her and dry her off (with ONE paper towel) but she wasn’t having it. The next thing I see is Bug pulling her pants down (along with her panties) in the middle of the lobby (that is filled with people) because she (and please hear the whiny voice) “Don’t want to wear cold pants”. Honey told her that she had to keep her clothes on and that the (quarter sized) wet spot would dry soon. To which she replied, “But I LOVE you!” as she tried to pull her pants down again (Lord only KNOWS what the other people in the lobby were thinking). They went back and forth like that for a minute and then Honey announces that they are going to the car to watch The Incredibles, grabbed the diaper bag and Bug and headed out the door.
I finished feeding Bean, strapped her in her seat and headed to the car. We had an uneventful ride home because Bug was watching TV. We got to the house and Honey took Bug in so he could fix her lunch. I got Bean out and took her in to dose her with Tylenol and put her down for a nap (we all know how “shot day” is on a newborn). I answered a few emails and got ready to head to my office. Bug whined about not wanting to eat her lunch “because it was touching” (see – OCD). She finally announced that she was finished so Honey got her out of her chair, I kissed her and she went to her room to take a nap.
I gathered up all my stuff and kissed Honey good-bye. On the monitor we could hear two children sleeping peacefully. I smiled at Honey and wished him luck. He sat down in his chair and turned on his Playstation to try and finish the football game he’s been playing for 3 days. I told him to call if he needed anything and that I would try to come home a little early since the Bean was going to be cranky because of her shots. He smiled and said, “Don’t worry about me Baby, I got this”. I kissed him again and gave him a smile that said, “I’m sure you do” but in my head all I could hear was, “Yeah…….for the moment”.
We loaded up Bean and Bug this morning and headed to the doctor for our 9:30am appointment. When we arrived at the doctor, at 9:45am, Bug immediately “NEEDED a drink” because they have a water fountain in the lobby. So, I helped her get a drink and that’s when she noticed that there is also a bathroom in the lobby so of course – she has to pee. I took her in the bathroom and she sat on the potty explaining to me about the sink and how she needed to wash her hands and that the nurse was going to open the door and say our name and we were going to stand on the scale and, and, and……. (I just LOVE this age). We sat there for 5 minutes and I finally said, “Do you really need to potty or was that just a story so you could check out the bathroom?” She says, “It was just a lie”. Gotta love that three year old honesty! So, we got off the potty, washed our hands, dried them with 42 paper towels and headed back to the lobby to sit with Honey and Bean until we are called back. We stopped to get another drink from the water fountain and all seemed well…….. for the moment.
We waited about another 10 minutes and were called back to our room. As soon as the nurse opened the door, Bug took off down the hall and hopped on the scale. I tried to explain to her that we were there for Bean’s checkup but she informed me, with her finger pointed, that, “You HAVE to get on the scale at the Doctor Man’s house”. She was not budging until I weighed her (she’s 33 pounds by the way). That seemed to satisfy her and all seemed well……. for the moment.
We went into our assigned room and the nursed closed the door. Bug immediately started to drag the step stool out from under the exam table and slide it over to the sink because she “NEEDS to wash her hands”. Being that she hadn’t touched anything since she washed her hands 10 minutes ago I told her that she didn’t need to and to put the stool back. This did not bode well with the Bug as the lip immediately shot out and she started to cry saying, “But I love my Daddy”. Now, I’m not sure why she thought that my denial of her playing in the sink in the exam room would somehow indicate to her father that she no longer loved him but it would seem that is how she interpreted it. She wrapped herself around his leg and cried and he picked her up (because he likes it to be quite….and he’s a sucker) loved on her and told her that he loved her. The tears immediately stopped and she got down, went to the exam table and began to drag the stool back over to the sink!! I decided that I didn’t want to listen to the next fit so I let her wash her hands. She dried them with 9 paper towels, asked what everything was on the counter, argued with us when we told her what the objects were and then returned the stool to its place. She was satisfied and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The nurse came in and measured Bean. Bug told her all about how Bean was her baby sister and how she was a big helper and, and, and……. The nurse left and we waited for the doctor to come in. Bug now decided that she needed to be on the exam table too so she climbed up the stool and laid down so that she could talk (in a VERY high pitched tone) to Bean. That lasted for about a minute and then she got down. Then she got back up on the table. Then she got back down. We did this 3 times before I said, “Please stop climbing up and down, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself.” To which she responded by sticking out her lip and crying, “But I love my daddy”. Again, her father is obviously such an idiot that he believes her love for him is directly related to ME telling her “no” therefore, she MUST make sure to voice her love for him every time I correct her. She crawled up in his lap and hugged him as tight as she could and shot me a look that said, “Whatcha gonna do now heifer?” I just rolled my eyes because she was finished pitching her fit and all seemed well……. for the moment.
The doctor came in and examined Bean. Bug stood right up his butt informing him that Bean was HER baby sister and she was a big helper and she can hold her and she can put the Nuk in her mouth, and, and, and…….. The doctor said that everything was cool with Bean, explained about the shots she was going to get and left the room. Bug reached under the exam table and started to drag the stool over to the sink. I told her to put the stool back. She started to climb back up on the table and I told her to get down. She started trying to pull things off the wall and I told her to stop. All of this with no fit so I thought maybe things were getting better………for the moment.
The nurse came back in to administer FOUR shots into my poor baby girl’s legs. I held her hands and talked to her and she smiled at me and laughed and then………the first stick. She screamed bloody murder. The nurse was great and got all 4 shots done lightening fast. I loved on my baby girl and got her dressed and as I reached for a tissue to dry MY tears Honey reached out to pick up the Bean and feed her. I slapped his hand and asked, “WHAT do you think you’re doing?” “Uh, I was going to feed her” he replied. “I don’t THINK so.” I said. I’ll be danged if he thinks I’m going to be the one that holds her down and allows strangers to ram needles into her legs and then HE is going to swoop in and be the hero!! So, I took the bottle, cradled my baby and began to feed her. Honey gathered up all of our stuff and we headed to the lobby so I could finish feeding her before we loaded up in the car. She had calmed down and was happily drinking her bottle and all seemed well………for the moment.
During our exchange about how I was not going to allow Honey to be the good guy, Bug had managed to drag that dang stool over to the sink and was now whining because she had soap on her hands and couldn’t turn on the water. Honey chastised her for going back to wash her hands for the 3rd time in less than an hour (I’m convinced she has OCD) but he turned on the water and helped her rinse off. As she dried her hands on 14 paper towels I informed her that she was LUCKY that Daddy was dealing with her because I would’ve popped her butt because she had been told SEVERAL times not to play around in that sink. Out came the lip but before she could speak I said, “I know, you LOVE your daddy. That’s great – now put on your coat.” She put on her coat and we headed to the lobby. I sat down to finish feeding Bean and Bug informed Honey that she needed a drink but that she could do it all by herself. So, because he is a doting father (and a sucker that will just never learn” he let her get a drink all by herself. The next sound I hear is her crying at the top of her lungs because she had gotten water all over her shirt and somehow down on leg of her pants. Honey tried to comfort her and dry her off (with ONE paper towel) but she wasn’t having it. The next thing I see is Bug pulling her pants down (along with her panties) in the middle of the lobby (that is filled with people) because she (and please hear the whiny voice) “Don’t want to wear cold pants”. Honey told her that she had to keep her clothes on and that the (quarter sized) wet spot would dry soon. To which she replied, “But I LOVE you!” as she tried to pull her pants down again (Lord only KNOWS what the other people in the lobby were thinking). They went back and forth like that for a minute and then Honey announces that they are going to the car to watch The Incredibles, grabbed the diaper bag and Bug and headed out the door.
I finished feeding Bean, strapped her in her seat and headed to the car. We had an uneventful ride home because Bug was watching TV. We got to the house and Honey took Bug in so he could fix her lunch. I got Bean out and took her in to dose her with Tylenol and put her down for a nap (we all know how “shot day” is on a newborn). I answered a few emails and got ready to head to my office. Bug whined about not wanting to eat her lunch “because it was touching” (see – OCD). She finally announced that she was finished so Honey got her out of her chair, I kissed her and she went to her room to take a nap.
I gathered up all my stuff and kissed Honey good-bye. On the monitor we could hear two children sleeping peacefully. I smiled at Honey and wished him luck. He sat down in his chair and turned on his Playstation to try and finish the football game he’s been playing for 3 days. I told him to call if he needed anything and that I would try to come home a little early since the Bean was going to be cranky because of her shots. He smiled and said, “Don’t worry about me Baby, I got this”. I kissed him again and gave him a smile that said, “I’m sure you do” but in my head all I could hear was, “Yeah…….for the moment”.
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