Nugget in her "panties" - she ate them
Thursday, June 23, 2005
They Really Do Exist
I actually had someone ask me recently if all of the people I write about exist. Well, they do and I can prove it. I've uploaded several pictures of some of the real live humans. Now that I know how to post pictures, I will start trying to capture some of the crazy stuff that goes on around here so you can get the full visual experience of what I endure on a daily basis.
Man - I wish I had thought to snap a shot of that orange bag on my roof! Oh well, there's always next time.
Man - I wish I had thought to snap a shot of that orange bag on my roof! Oh well, there's always next time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The Poop Scoop Boogie
I was beginning to think that my life was becoming “normal”. I was starting to search my past to find something interesting to write about. I was trying to remember stories from High School, Church, daycare, and anything that would embarrass my brother when Baby Girl came through for me. Thank Heaven for little girls.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.
Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.
Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….
“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.
I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.
She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.
This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.
So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time for Baby Girl to start earning an allowance and learn the value of money. We’re hoping that this will encourage her to take care of her stuff and keep her room clean. Previously she couldn’t care less if her stuff got broken because she had no clue how much anything costs. So, Honey and I decided that she could earn $10 a week by picking up after the dogs in the yard. Yes, she is a human pooper scooper.
Now, I do not just send her out there with 2 squares of toilet paper and tell her to wash up when she is through. She has a tools and a system and she has become quite proficient. Every evening after all of the dogs have gone outside, she dons her latex gloves, grabs her paper towels and an orange newspaper bag and heads to one corner of the yard. She works meticulously going back and forth so she doesn’t miss any of the lovely presents left by our pooches. Once she has picked it all up, she tosses her paper towels and gloves into the bag, ties it up and chunks it in the big green garbage can. In the beginning it took her 30 minutes to clean up my postage stamp yard but now she can get it done in less than 5 minutes. She’s making $10 for 35 minutes worth of work so I don’t want to hear anybody tell me how unfair it is (Mother). She has even gotten so smart as to enlist the help of Prissy (she wears gloves and holds the bag) and doesn’t even give her a cut of the cash. I’d say she’s pretty dang smart.
Last night Baby Girl went out to do her chore (as she calls it). I was in the garage watching the thing about the runaway bride (which is a subject I will touch on another time). After about 30 minutes, I realized that Baby Girl and Prissy were being extremely quiet which usually signals trouble. I went outside to check on them and found Baby Girl standing on the side yard just bawling. I asked her what was wrong……. I wasn’t ready for her response. She took a deep breath and through her tears related the following….
“I cleaned up the poop and was taking it to the garbage can on the curb. I was throwing it up in the air and……..” I immediately start looking her up and down because I just KNOW that the bag has busted on her and she is covered in feces. “It landed on the roof.” Huh?? Not what I was expecting and I immediately started to giggle. “We tried to get it down but we couldn’t reach it so we got the water hose and tried to spray it off but it just got farther away. We tried to stand in the chairs but we still couldn’t get it. Now I can’t get the water hose turned off and the front yard is flooded and Daddy is going to be so mad”. By this time, I am almost laying on the ground. I look down the side of the house to see two of my patio chair positioned under a tiny visible corner of the orange plastic bag that was hanging off the edge of the roof approximately 25 feet in the air. How they thought that my patio chairs would make them grow 23 feet or why they thoght playing catch with a bag of crap would be fun is something only they can explain.
I walked down the side of the house, wiping my tears and trying to catch my breath, and turned off the hose. I brought the chairs back to the patio and sat down. Baby Girl was still crying. I was still laughing and the more I laughed the more confused she became. She finally asked, “Am I in trouble?” I told her that I didn’t know what the punishment was for accidentally flinging a bag of dog poop onto the roof and then flooding the yard in an attempt to knock it back to Earth so I guess she was off the hook.
She had just about calmed down when Prissy piped up and said, “Everybody that drives by is going to see a bag of poop on your house”. That sent her over the edge again which got me tickled again. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t help it. I assured her that nobody would know it was a bag of poop on the roof and that Daddy would get it down when he got home. This seemed to ease her mind and off she and Prissy went to play. I of course, called half my family to tell them of my child’s traumatic excrement experience but most of them couldn’t understand me because I was laughing too hard.
This morning, Honey goes in to wake Baby Girl up and tells her, “You are never going to believe what the paper boy did. He threw our paper on the roof!” She sat straight up in the bed and her eyes got as big as saucers. He went on, “I guess I’m going to have to climb up there and get it so Mama can work her crossword puzzle”. He turned to walk off and she yelled, “NO – don’t climb up there. We can get another paper”. He said, “Why don’t you want me to climb up there? Do you think I might fall?” “No” she replied, “I’m afraid there will be poop in the bag”. She then recounted the events of the night before to her Daddy. By then end of her tale, I was about to wet my pants because Honey was trying to maintain a serious face and explain to her all of the reasons she shouldn’t be throwing bags of poop in the air. I dried my eyes and went to work.
So, now do you understand why we call them the Crack heads? Let me know if you need someone to pick up your yard – Baby Girl is willing to contract out. And, if you will give her the address of your worst enemy, she will carry her little orange back over to their house an fling it on their roof…………..untied.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Here Kitty Kitty
I mentioned in the last post that I was referring to Harley’s mother as Carol Ann because of her “Poltergeist” quality. Well, it’s also because I don’t know her name. Now, it’s not unusual to meet someone and not catch their name but after the exchange I had with her yesterday, I’m a little weirded out about some of the things I DO know about her and her name is not one of them. Read on………
On Monday afternoon I got a call from TJ to warn me about Carol Ann. She said that when I got home from work to RUN into my house because if she caught me outside I would be trapped for days. She went on to tell me that the woman was NUTS and that we might all just need to pack up and head to her boyfriends house for the week. I appreciated the warning but I was now desperate to meet this person. Everyone, including her own child, was telling me that she was crazy – well I had to see for myself. When will I learn to listen!!
When I got home from work I told Honey about my warnings of Carol Ann. He too was intrigued and we decided we HAD to lure her out of the house so we could experience her first hand. I turned on the radio, Honey started watering our grass and Harley’s hoping it would prompt her to poke her head out and ask who he was. Nothing – no sign of her. Harley called from work to see if she was outside and I told her that the coast was clear. Honey and I sat out on the patio talking, laughing and playing with the dogs until almost 6:30pm – nothing.
At around 7pm, Harley stuck her head out the back door and gave me the International sign for “do you have a beer” and asked, “Do you have any parmesan cheese?” I said, “Why yes I do, it’s in the fridge. Would you like to borrow it?” Harley was halfway down the hill before I could get the words out and through my back door. I handed her a beer and started looking for the cheese. Now, Harley can nurse a glass of wine for an hour but she downed that beer in less than 30 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me what had been going on at her house while she was at work.
Harley is an EMACILATE housekeeper. I mean, no matter when you walk in her house it looks like she is ready for an Interior Design photo shoot. Obviously, she does not get this quality from her mother. While Harley was at work, Carol Ann managed to unhook all of the electronic components in her house, go through every closet and box she could find, drug out movies that had been packed away and unscrewed some light bulbs (not removed them, just loosened them – we don’t know why). She had sifted through every piece of paper, including bills and personal stuff and even sifted through the caller ID until she found the name of a male (that Harley quit seeing months ago) and decided to call him. I thought Harley was going to burst into tears. I rubbed her shoulders, told her to breathe deep, gave her some gum and cheese and sent her back home.
I returned to the patio and was filling Honey in on the “next door activities” when Harley returned to the patio to breathe again. She came over and sat down with us and we reassured her that it wasn’t permanent and she could do anything for a week. That’s when she informed us that Carol Ann is kicking around the idea of buying the house next door to Nana. I made a mental note to buy large quantities of a flammable liquid and a box of matches. Harley was just about calm when we heard her back door open and saw a tuft of white hair stick out. I nudged Honey because I knew we were FINALLY going to get to meet this enigma and I didn’t want him to miss a thing!
When Harley saw her – she literally turned pale. She immediately jumped up and started trying to coax Carol Ann back into the house but it was too late…….she’d spotted Snow and was headed down to pet him. This was going to be fun. Harley looked at me with the most sympathetic look and went back in her house. I immediately started asking about this woman’s trip, hoping to get her to talk to us. WELL – as is turned out, talking is her strong point.
After a brief description of her trip she informed us that she was worried about her kitty. She has a cat that she has raised since he was 3 weeks old and he isn’t used to her not being there. She needed to call and check on him and she hoped that he was adjusting well while she was away. Perfectly normal – right? WRONG!!! In the next breath she informed us that she thought her kitty had a new “lady friend” but that she didn’t think he would know what to do with her because he’s never been around other cats. However, she knows that he has a sex drive because he has a “special blanket” that he hauls all over the house and she’s watches him and “he get a hunk of that blanket in his mouth, starts growling and just goes to town”. Yes folks, you understood that correctly. Not only is her cat a little bit on the repressed side, she seems to enjoy watching he and his “special blanket” do the nasty.
I dare not look at Honey because I know I will completely loose it and laugh at this woman but I can see him out of the corner of my eye and his entire head is turning red and he is looking at the ground.
She then proceeds to tell us how “sometimes at night he crawls up on my chest, squirms around and nuzzles my neck. I know what he’s doing but you just have to let him go because it helps him sleep better”. Again – yes, you understood correctly. Carol Ann is being molested by her cat. And that was it – she turned around and went in the house. Well, at that point Honey LOST it. We were both laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces.
Later on that evening when Harley returned the cheese and downed another beer, Honey recounted the story for her. I thought she was going to die. At that point she banned us from speaking to her mother. We are to completely ignore her if she comes outside. Yeah, right – like that’s going to happen. There is no way that I can have that much free entertainment sitting right next door and not enjoy it. I’ve decided that I’m going to mix up a pitcher of margaritas and sit on the patio and wait. Let me know if you want to stop by.
On Monday afternoon I got a call from TJ to warn me about Carol Ann. She said that when I got home from work to RUN into my house because if she caught me outside I would be trapped for days. She went on to tell me that the woman was NUTS and that we might all just need to pack up and head to her boyfriends house for the week. I appreciated the warning but I was now desperate to meet this person. Everyone, including her own child, was telling me that she was crazy – well I had to see for myself. When will I learn to listen!!
When I got home from work I told Honey about my warnings of Carol Ann. He too was intrigued and we decided we HAD to lure her out of the house so we could experience her first hand. I turned on the radio, Honey started watering our grass and Harley’s hoping it would prompt her to poke her head out and ask who he was. Nothing – no sign of her. Harley called from work to see if she was outside and I told her that the coast was clear. Honey and I sat out on the patio talking, laughing and playing with the dogs until almost 6:30pm – nothing.
At around 7pm, Harley stuck her head out the back door and gave me the International sign for “do you have a beer” and asked, “Do you have any parmesan cheese?” I said, “Why yes I do, it’s in the fridge. Would you like to borrow it?” Harley was halfway down the hill before I could get the words out and through my back door. I handed her a beer and started looking for the cheese. Now, Harley can nurse a glass of wine for an hour but she downed that beer in less than 30 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me what had been going on at her house while she was at work.
Harley is an EMACILATE housekeeper. I mean, no matter when you walk in her house it looks like she is ready for an Interior Design photo shoot. Obviously, she does not get this quality from her mother. While Harley was at work, Carol Ann managed to unhook all of the electronic components in her house, go through every closet and box she could find, drug out movies that had been packed away and unscrewed some light bulbs (not removed them, just loosened them – we don’t know why). She had sifted through every piece of paper, including bills and personal stuff and even sifted through the caller ID until she found the name of a male (that Harley quit seeing months ago) and decided to call him. I thought Harley was going to burst into tears. I rubbed her shoulders, told her to breathe deep, gave her some gum and cheese and sent her back home.
I returned to the patio and was filling Honey in on the “next door activities” when Harley returned to the patio to breathe again. She came over and sat down with us and we reassured her that it wasn’t permanent and she could do anything for a week. That’s when she informed us that Carol Ann is kicking around the idea of buying the house next door to Nana. I made a mental note to buy large quantities of a flammable liquid and a box of matches. Harley was just about calm when we heard her back door open and saw a tuft of white hair stick out. I nudged Honey because I knew we were FINALLY going to get to meet this enigma and I didn’t want him to miss a thing!
When Harley saw her – she literally turned pale. She immediately jumped up and started trying to coax Carol Ann back into the house but it was too late…….she’d spotted Snow and was headed down to pet him. This was going to be fun. Harley looked at me with the most sympathetic look and went back in her house. I immediately started asking about this woman’s trip, hoping to get her to talk to us. WELL – as is turned out, talking is her strong point.
After a brief description of her trip she informed us that she was worried about her kitty. She has a cat that she has raised since he was 3 weeks old and he isn’t used to her not being there. She needed to call and check on him and she hoped that he was adjusting well while she was away. Perfectly normal – right? WRONG!!! In the next breath she informed us that she thought her kitty had a new “lady friend” but that she didn’t think he would know what to do with her because he’s never been around other cats. However, she knows that he has a sex drive because he has a “special blanket” that he hauls all over the house and she’s watches him and “he get a hunk of that blanket in his mouth, starts growling and just goes to town”. Yes folks, you understood that correctly. Not only is her cat a little bit on the repressed side, she seems to enjoy watching he and his “special blanket” do the nasty.
I dare not look at Honey because I know I will completely loose it and laugh at this woman but I can see him out of the corner of my eye and his entire head is turning red and he is looking at the ground.
She then proceeds to tell us how “sometimes at night he crawls up on my chest, squirms around and nuzzles my neck. I know what he’s doing but you just have to let him go because it helps him sleep better”. Again – yes, you understood correctly. Carol Ann is being molested by her cat. And that was it – she turned around and went in the house. Well, at that point Honey LOST it. We were both laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces.
Later on that evening when Harley returned the cheese and downed another beer, Honey recounted the story for her. I thought she was going to die. At that point she banned us from speaking to her mother. We are to completely ignore her if she comes outside. Yeah, right – like that’s going to happen. There is no way that I can have that much free entertainment sitting right next door and not enjoy it. I’ve decided that I’m going to mix up a pitcher of margaritas and sit on the patio and wait. Let me know if you want to stop by.
Carol Ann Arrives
I’ve spoken about my neighbors on several occasions because they are like my family and they provide hours of entertainment. I am very fortunate to have these people in my life as they are wonderful friends and I love them dearly. And being that some of them read this, I will go ahead and extend my olive branch to Harley now. I love you dearly but there is no way I couldn’t tell this story……….hope you will still speak to me.
So Harley has been stressing out for about a week because her 67 year old mother was driving in from California to visit. She has been “warning” us that her mother is an odd bird and that our best bet would be to avoid her. Knowing that Harley sometimes over-stresses about things I just let it go in one ear and out the other. Obviously, I should’ve listened to Harley.
On Sunday night, Harley was making up the guest room and missed a phone call. On her voice mail she got, “Well, I’m here and I’ve had a blow out. Thanks a lot!” Her mother, whom I will call Carol Ann because she has a kind of “Poltergeist” quality, does not have a cell phone so this call came from a pay phone. Now, Harley, being the concerned daughter she is, immediately freaks out because she has no clue how to find her mother. For all she knows, Carol Ann is wandering around on the Interstate somewhere in Downtown Memphis. Harley heads to Nana’s to have a minor panic attack and seek reassurance that her mother will actually arrive at her home in one piece.
Half an hour later, the phone rings again, “Ok, I got it fixed and I’m on my way. This really nice couple stopped and helped me, blah, blah, blah.” Ummmm – excuse me but where ARE you? – was Harley’s reaction. “I’m about an hour and a half outside of Little Rock”. Harley asked if she had already driven through Little Rock. “No”. Ummmm – but the earlier message said “I’m here”. “Yeah, I meant I was here – where I was”. Without completely loosing her cool, Harley is able to tell her to call when she gets to Memphis.
Around 1am the call comes that Carol Ann has reached Memphis and needs directions to the house. Harley asks what happened to the turn-by-turn directions she had emailed her to which her mother replied, “I can’t understand those. Just tell me how to get there”. So, Harley gives her directions again and Carol Ann was back on the road. 15 minutes later the phone rang – it was Carol Ann. She was now at Whitestation and Summer at a gas station and she was lost. Harley asked why she got off the Interstate instead of following her directions and she replied that “nothing looked familiar”. Now, the fact that she’d never been here so nothing SHOULD look familiar never dawned on her. While Harley tried to explain how to get back on the Interstate and continue to her house Carol Ann began yelling at some man pumping gas because his radio was too loud and she couldn’t hear. After 5 more minutes of directions and yelling, Carol Ann hung up and got back on the road. Harley poured a LARGE glass of wine and tried to breathe deeply.
Ten minutes later the phone rang again – it was a Police Officer. He said that he had her mother and he believed she was a DUI. Harley almost came unglued. The officer, not knowing what kind of evening Harley had been having, quickly told her he was kidding and that her mother was just lost because her “daughter gives horrible directions”. He told Harley that he would make sure Carol Ann arrived safely at her house. Harley thanked him, hung up and poured another glass of wine.
At about 2am, Harley is standing on the front porch, phone in hand, waiting for her police escorted parental unit to show up. That’s when she hears her mother’s voice coming from the end of the street. The officer is driving slowly, shining his light on the houses to locate the address. Carol Ann is following behind him with her head hanging out the window yelling, “Are we close? Is that the house? Are we in the Ghetto? Why are there no street lights? Is this the Ghetto?” Harley contemplated going inside and turning out all the lights but instead she waved to the officer and he led Carol Ann right to the driveway. Harley thanked the officer and tried to get her mother in the house. Carol Ann was audibly disappointed that she had “brought a perfectly nice man right to your front door and you don’t even try to talk to him”. Harley to her mother to “get in the house” through gritted teeth, thanked the officer again and tried to find a rock to crawl under.
On Monday morning I saw Harley on the patio where she recounted this story to me. I asked how long her mother would be staying to which she replied “I have no idea – she won’t tell me”. I told her that I would keep cold beverages in my fridge for her (since her mother isn’t allowed around alcohol) and to just knock when she needed a break. Poor thing – if she makes it through this it will be a miracle!
So Harley has been stressing out for about a week because her 67 year old mother was driving in from California to visit. She has been “warning” us that her mother is an odd bird and that our best bet would be to avoid her. Knowing that Harley sometimes over-stresses about things I just let it go in one ear and out the other. Obviously, I should’ve listened to Harley.
On Sunday night, Harley was making up the guest room and missed a phone call. On her voice mail she got, “Well, I’m here and I’ve had a blow out. Thanks a lot!” Her mother, whom I will call Carol Ann because she has a kind of “Poltergeist” quality, does not have a cell phone so this call came from a pay phone. Now, Harley, being the concerned daughter she is, immediately freaks out because she has no clue how to find her mother. For all she knows, Carol Ann is wandering around on the Interstate somewhere in Downtown Memphis. Harley heads to Nana’s to have a minor panic attack and seek reassurance that her mother will actually arrive at her home in one piece.
Half an hour later, the phone rings again, “Ok, I got it fixed and I’m on my way. This really nice couple stopped and helped me, blah, blah, blah.” Ummmm – excuse me but where ARE you? – was Harley’s reaction. “I’m about an hour and a half outside of Little Rock”. Harley asked if she had already driven through Little Rock. “No”. Ummmm – but the earlier message said “I’m here”. “Yeah, I meant I was here – where I was”. Without completely loosing her cool, Harley is able to tell her to call when she gets to Memphis.
Around 1am the call comes that Carol Ann has reached Memphis and needs directions to the house. Harley asks what happened to the turn-by-turn directions she had emailed her to which her mother replied, “I can’t understand those. Just tell me how to get there”. So, Harley gives her directions again and Carol Ann was back on the road. 15 minutes later the phone rang – it was Carol Ann. She was now at Whitestation and Summer at a gas station and she was lost. Harley asked why she got off the Interstate instead of following her directions and she replied that “nothing looked familiar”. Now, the fact that she’d never been here so nothing SHOULD look familiar never dawned on her. While Harley tried to explain how to get back on the Interstate and continue to her house Carol Ann began yelling at some man pumping gas because his radio was too loud and she couldn’t hear. After 5 more minutes of directions and yelling, Carol Ann hung up and got back on the road. Harley poured a LARGE glass of wine and tried to breathe deeply.
Ten minutes later the phone rang again – it was a Police Officer. He said that he had her mother and he believed she was a DUI. Harley almost came unglued. The officer, not knowing what kind of evening Harley had been having, quickly told her he was kidding and that her mother was just lost because her “daughter gives horrible directions”. He told Harley that he would make sure Carol Ann arrived safely at her house. Harley thanked him, hung up and poured another glass of wine.
At about 2am, Harley is standing on the front porch, phone in hand, waiting for her police escorted parental unit to show up. That’s when she hears her mother’s voice coming from the end of the street. The officer is driving slowly, shining his light on the houses to locate the address. Carol Ann is following behind him with her head hanging out the window yelling, “Are we close? Is that the house? Are we in the Ghetto? Why are there no street lights? Is this the Ghetto?” Harley contemplated going inside and turning out all the lights but instead she waved to the officer and he led Carol Ann right to the driveway. Harley thanked the officer and tried to get her mother in the house. Carol Ann was audibly disappointed that she had “brought a perfectly nice man right to your front door and you don’t even try to talk to him”. Harley to her mother to “get in the house” through gritted teeth, thanked the officer again and tried to find a rock to crawl under.
On Monday morning I saw Harley on the patio where she recounted this story to me. I asked how long her mother would be staying to which she replied “I have no idea – she won’t tell me”. I told her that I would keep cold beverages in my fridge for her (since her mother isn’t allowed around alcohol) and to just knock when she needed a break. Poor thing – if she makes it through this it will be a miracle!
Monday, June 13, 2005
WHAT THE ...............
OMG!!!! Michael Jackson found innocent?!?!?
You have GOT to be kidding me!! I am absolutely disgusted with our so called Justice System. The jurors in this case were obviously star-struck by the never ending parade of washed up actors trying to grab another 15 minutes in the spotlight by testifying on his behalf. I wonder how much it cost him to get two out of work actors, who have both been known drug abusers, to say that they weren't molested by Michael? Hmmmmm....... maybe the same ammount it costs to buy a gram of coke and an ounce of weed???? It turns my stomach to think that we live in a society that is so blinded by celebrity that it will allow someone to prey openly on it's children.
I wonder how long it will be before we see pictures of him at Neverland dancing around with a new group of victims? Any parent that allows their child to associate with Michael Jackson so be convicted of ignorance, forced to give up parental rights and their reproductive organs cut out with a butter knife!
You have GOT to be kidding me!! I am absolutely disgusted with our so called Justice System. The jurors in this case were obviously star-struck by the never ending parade of washed up actors trying to grab another 15 minutes in the spotlight by testifying on his behalf. I wonder how much it cost him to get two out of work actors, who have both been known drug abusers, to say that they weren't molested by Michael? Hmmmmm....... maybe the same ammount it costs to buy a gram of coke and an ounce of weed???? It turns my stomach to think that we live in a society that is so blinded by celebrity that it will allow someone to prey openly on it's children.
I wonder how long it will be before we see pictures of him at Neverland dancing around with a new group of victims? Any parent that allows their child to associate with Michael Jackson so be convicted of ignorance, forced to give up parental rights and their reproductive organs cut out with a butter knife!
Vending Machine Violations
Ok – if you know me you know that I have a chemical dependency. Some would even label my affliction as an “addiction” or even go so far as to call me a “junkie”. As I’m sure you’ve all heard a million times, the first step in getting better is to admit you have a problem, so here goes. Hi, my name is Syd and I am a Diet Coke addict. Whew, I feel better already. However, my outlook wasn’t quite so sunny about 15 minutes ago…….
I buy Diet Coke by the 12 pack. When it’s on sale I stock up – there will sometimes be upwards of 5 cases of Diet Coke in my shed. I have a small fridge at work and I usually bring a 12 pack to work so that I don’t have to pay 55 cents a piece for them in the vending machine. I ran out last week and forgot to bring in a new 12 pack so I have been forced to shell out my cash in order to feed my habit since last Thursday (mental note, put friggin cokes in the car when you get home). Now, I don’t mind feeding the vending machine in order to taste that sweet nectar, however, I do expect a few things when I pump in my change. #1 – I expect there to be Diet Coke in the machine. #2 – I expect for the machine to actually dispense my beverage when I press the button. #3 – I expect the machine to give me correct change and #4 – I expect that if none of the above apply for the machine to give me back the exact same amount of money that I put in. It would seem that the company that services our machines (no names but it rhymes with Tartan and starts with an S) does not agree with my expectations.
Last Thursday, I entered the break room to purchase my beloved Diet Coke. I put my dollar in the machine, press the Diet Coke button and ……….nothing. Sold Out scrolled across the little LED panel. Dang it! Now, this is the ONLY machine that has Diet Coke and it only has ONE “spot” for them. I can get every bloomin variety of Dr. Pepper on the planet but there is only one Diet Coke……..whatever. Anyway, I scan the other drink machine and the only thing in it that I can actually fathom drinking is water. Yes, there is a water fountain about 4 steps away but I have to have something to carry back to my office and sit on my coaster. I decide that I can settle for water and I insert my 55 cents (the other machine “changed” my dollar) into this machine and press the Water button and ……..nothing. However this time it wasn’t the machine was out of water – it simply ate my 55 cents. This left me standing there with 45 cents and no friggin drink. I stomp back to my office but not before stopping by the Facilities office to complain. I get back to my office and call one of my techs that was gone to lunch and asked him to bring me a Diet Coke. I guess he has been around long enough to have noticed my addiction because he brought me two.
On Friday, the guy from Facilities came by to let me know that the vending machine guy was there to fix the machines and fill up the Diet Coke “for me” (like I’m the only one that drinks them). Anyway, later in the day I go back to the break room to attempt to get a beverage. I brought a crisp $1 bill with me as not to anger the machine. I inserted my money and pressed the Diet Coke button. The LED scrolled VEND and I heard the beautiful sound of my Diet Coke falling down the shoot. I retrieved my beverage and my change………my 25 cents in change. Huh? $1.00 - $ .55 = $ .25??? Whatever, I had my coke and I cheerfully went back to my office. I went through this 3 more time during the day so I wound up spending $3 on 4 cokes when I could’ve bought a 12 pack for $3.59! I went home for the weekend and didn’t think to tell the Facilities guy or remember to bring a 12 pack to work today.
This morning I went to the break room first thing. I didn’t have correct change so I again spent 75 cents for a beverage. Around noon I needed another fix but this time I was smart. I was going to get Animal Crackers to munch on so I would buy them first and then have correct change for the Coke machine – HA! I passed the Coke machine and hit the snack machine. I inserted my dollar and waited for my credit to appear. A few seconds go buy and I see my dollar slowing coming back out of the slot like it was being rejected. I pulled it out so that I could try again but the end of my dollar was now MISSING. I mean the machine literally ATE my dollar. It was completely jagged and mangled. Needless to say, I lost it! I am standing there yelling at this stupid machine and telling it all about the problems I’d been having with the drink machine in an effort to make it fully understand the magnitude of the situation. Personally I think it was ignoring me as the end of my currency wasn’t returned. However, I am fairly certain that the sandwich machine got the point and will NEVER give me any problems.
From one of the tables, one of the ladies I work with offered me 50 cents. I had my quarter left over from that morning plus a dime and a nickel that I found in my office floor. I took 55 cents and gave her my torn up dollar and my remaining change and stuck it in the Coke machine. It must’ve heard me yelling at the friggin snack machine because it immediately spit out my Diet Coke without hesitation. It also gave me back a QUARTER! So, I flipped it to the kind woman that had afforded me the beverage, thanked her for her kindness, apologized for subjecting her to my hissy fit and returned to my office to vent........and drink my Diet Coke.
Wheeeew – I feel better getting that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I’ve got to run now, one of my guys just informed me that Schnuck’s has 12 packs 4 for $10. Gotta stock up.
I buy Diet Coke by the 12 pack. When it’s on sale I stock up – there will sometimes be upwards of 5 cases of Diet Coke in my shed. I have a small fridge at work and I usually bring a 12 pack to work so that I don’t have to pay 55 cents a piece for them in the vending machine. I ran out last week and forgot to bring in a new 12 pack so I have been forced to shell out my cash in order to feed my habit since last Thursday (mental note, put friggin cokes in the car when you get home). Now, I don’t mind feeding the vending machine in order to taste that sweet nectar, however, I do expect a few things when I pump in my change. #1 – I expect there to be Diet Coke in the machine. #2 – I expect for the machine to actually dispense my beverage when I press the button. #3 – I expect the machine to give me correct change and #4 – I expect that if none of the above apply for the machine to give me back the exact same amount of money that I put in. It would seem that the company that services our machines (no names but it rhymes with Tartan and starts with an S) does not agree with my expectations.
Last Thursday, I entered the break room to purchase my beloved Diet Coke. I put my dollar in the machine, press the Diet Coke button and ……….nothing. Sold Out scrolled across the little LED panel. Dang it! Now, this is the ONLY machine that has Diet Coke and it only has ONE “spot” for them. I can get every bloomin variety of Dr. Pepper on the planet but there is only one Diet Coke……..whatever. Anyway, I scan the other drink machine and the only thing in it that I can actually fathom drinking is water. Yes, there is a water fountain about 4 steps away but I have to have something to carry back to my office and sit on my coaster. I decide that I can settle for water and I insert my 55 cents (the other machine “changed” my dollar) into this machine and press the Water button and ……..nothing. However this time it wasn’t the machine was out of water – it simply ate my 55 cents. This left me standing there with 45 cents and no friggin drink. I stomp back to my office but not before stopping by the Facilities office to complain. I get back to my office and call one of my techs that was gone to lunch and asked him to bring me a Diet Coke. I guess he has been around long enough to have noticed my addiction because he brought me two.
On Friday, the guy from Facilities came by to let me know that the vending machine guy was there to fix the machines and fill up the Diet Coke “for me” (like I’m the only one that drinks them). Anyway, later in the day I go back to the break room to attempt to get a beverage. I brought a crisp $1 bill with me as not to anger the machine. I inserted my money and pressed the Diet Coke button. The LED scrolled VEND and I heard the beautiful sound of my Diet Coke falling down the shoot. I retrieved my beverage and my change………my 25 cents in change. Huh? $1.00 - $ .55 = $ .25??? Whatever, I had my coke and I cheerfully went back to my office. I went through this 3 more time during the day so I wound up spending $3 on 4 cokes when I could’ve bought a 12 pack for $3.59! I went home for the weekend and didn’t think to tell the Facilities guy or remember to bring a 12 pack to work today.
This morning I went to the break room first thing. I didn’t have correct change so I again spent 75 cents for a beverage. Around noon I needed another fix but this time I was smart. I was going to get Animal Crackers to munch on so I would buy them first and then have correct change for the Coke machine – HA! I passed the Coke machine and hit the snack machine. I inserted my dollar and waited for my credit to appear. A few seconds go buy and I see my dollar slowing coming back out of the slot like it was being rejected. I pulled it out so that I could try again but the end of my dollar was now MISSING. I mean the machine literally ATE my dollar. It was completely jagged and mangled. Needless to say, I lost it! I am standing there yelling at this stupid machine and telling it all about the problems I’d been having with the drink machine in an effort to make it fully understand the magnitude of the situation. Personally I think it was ignoring me as the end of my currency wasn’t returned. However, I am fairly certain that the sandwich machine got the point and will NEVER give me any problems.
From one of the tables, one of the ladies I work with offered me 50 cents. I had my quarter left over from that morning plus a dime and a nickel that I found in my office floor. I took 55 cents and gave her my torn up dollar and my remaining change and stuck it in the Coke machine. It must’ve heard me yelling at the friggin snack machine because it immediately spit out my Diet Coke without hesitation. It also gave me back a QUARTER! So, I flipped it to the kind woman that had afforded me the beverage, thanked her for her kindness, apologized for subjecting her to my hissy fit and returned to my office to vent........and drink my Diet Coke.
Wheeeew – I feel better getting that off my chest. Thanks for reading. I’ve got to run now, one of my guys just informed me that Schnuck’s has 12 packs 4 for $10. Gotta stock up.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Motherhood and Mental Illness
Any of you ladies have given birth you will remember what it was like to be completely brain dead. I mean, it is as if your brain somehow became attached to the umbilical cord and was delivered along with the baby and discarded with the rest of the useless muck. I used to think it was some kind of cruel joke but I now realize that it is a defense mechanism our brains use to keep us from going insane. Think about it – sleep deprivation, someone screaming in you face that can’t tell you what’s wrong, puke, poop, going for days and weeks without getting to eat hot food. It’s like being in a concentration camp but without the luxury of solitary confinement.
The funny thing is our brain doesn’t only do this soon after the birth of a child. I have found that it can strike at any time. My mother calls these “Senior Moments” but I am not yet ready to have anything “senior”. I prefer “Motherhood Madness” as I am convinced that I would not have these mental problems if I had remained celibate (I knew I should’ve listened to my grandmother).
Let me preface this with letting you know that my Honey is out of town for work. This means that I on my own with all of the kids and dogs………OMG, I miss my Honey!!! Anyway, he left on Sunday morning and we had cheer camp all day in a gym that was about 423 degrees. On Monday, I got Baby Girl up and off to Nana’s and myself off to work. Did I remember to feed her? No – I’ve only fed her breakfast every day of her life for 7 years but for some reason it slipped my mind on this particular morning. I guess it was because I was thinking about all I had to do that day. I needed to make a deposit for Honey, make sure Baby Girl’s uniform was clean for the Redbirds performance that night, buy a video tape for Z’s camera so I can capture the entire 30 second event in living color, dole out all of the tickets for the game to family and friends and make sure she arrived at the stadium no later than 6:15pm. Not to mention that we had made some system changes over the weekend and I was anticipating major fall-out at work. I felt bad that I didn’t feed her but she would surely inform Nana and it would be rectified.
Everything was relatively calm at work – no major issues. At lunchtime I readied myself to run to the bank and Best Buy to pick up the video tape. I go to retrieve my keys from my purse and realize that I can’t find Honey’s money. I’m freaking out because I just KNOW that I put it in an envelope and stuck it in my purse. I bolt out the door and fly home to find it laying on the kitchen table……….where I then remembered that I laid it while I cleaned out the 173 receipts that were wadded up in my purse. I grab the deposit and a Diet Coke and head to the bank. I make the deposit and meander over to KFC to get some lunch. I eat my lunch in the car and drive back to the office…………..forgetting to stop at Best Buy for the tape.
At 4:45p I cut out of work so I can hit Best Buy and still beat traffic on the Interstate – we HAVE to be at the stadium by 6:15 or the Cheerleading Gods will revoke our pom poms! I stand on the aisle where the tapes are and debate over the 5 different kinds that they have. Now, bear in mind, I have written down the exact kind I am supposed to buy but decide that maybe I need to read about all of them just in case there is something better than the manufacturer recommended Hi8 (sometimes being a techie becomes a burden in a time crunch). I finally decide that maybe the manufacturer knows what it’s talking about and I grab a 2 pack or blank tapes and head to the checkout. On my way there, the phone rings – it’s Baby Girl. “Uh, Mama, where are you?” I explain where I am, what I’m doing and that I will be there shortly. She then needs to know where Best Buy is in relation to my office, our house and the friggin International Dateline. While I am trying to explain to her the exact geographical location of the Best Buy, I am digging in my purse to get my wallet and pay for the tapes. NO WALLET!!!! I tell my daughter that I have to go and will be there soon. I hang up and panic. Where could it be!?! It’s PINK – how can you misplace a PINK wallet?!!? I run out to my car only to find it lying in my console – not sure how it got there but I was dang glad to see it. I go back into Best Buy, complete my purchase and RUN to my car. I make it home at 5:20p and yell for Baby Girl to come get dressed.
She gets dressed, I change clothes and put her hair up in the standard “cheer ponytail” complete with her official black ribbon. Prissy knocks on the door (she is going with us) and I throw everyone in the car and away we go – it’s 5:32p. I notice I am about on E and I need cash to park so I whip into the gas station, pump $10 in gas and hit the ATM. Back on the road and it’s only 5:42p – I’m doing good! I maneuver the interstate like a seasoned NASCAR driver and exit on Second Street at exactly 6pm. I manage to remember the directions Mother has given me to the closest parking garage and not get lost. I pay to park and am driving up the garage ramp at 6:11 – 4 minutes to spare – woo hoo!! We get parked, gather all of our stuff, and run to the gate. We enter the park at EXACTLY 6:15 – write it down folks – I was ON TIME!! We make our way to the “designated meeting spot” and find only one other squad member. Obviously I am not the only one who has a job. We wait and wait and wait some more and finally all of our girls (all 7 of them) manage to congregate by 7p (the game starts at 7:05!!!). No problem – I was ON TIME and that’s all I’m focusing on.
All of our invitees arrived – Grandma, OB, Z, Diamond, Cranky and Sparky and we took our seats. At the end of the second inning it came over the PA, “We have a special treat for you tonight. The squads of SYS are going to perform for you on the 1st base line!!” I grabbed the video camera and headed for the wall. All of the girls ran out yelling and screaming and really working the crowd. I spotted Baby Girl and got the camera in focus. I was soooo excited for her and she looked so cute out there doing her little dance. I looked through the view finder and pressed that little red button to record this big moment in her life. Inside the viewfinder I see something flash………”NO TAPE”!!! Son of a ……….I hadn’t put the dang tape in the camera. 15 seconds later is was over and they ran off the field. I returned the camera to the bag along with the 2 unopened tapes and gave it back to my brother and thanked him for the use (lessness) of his camera.
The rest of the game was pretty good. The girls had a ball and I enjoyed spending time with my family. However, in retrospect I probably should’ve had Z play “cameraman” since he is more familiar with the equipment and probably would’ve known that the tape had to actually be put IN the camera in order to capture the images. I guess all those years I was blonde really did do some damage after all. Oh well, ,maybe one day when Baby Girl has children of her own she will understand why there is no video of her self-described “dream come true”. She can explain to her children that it is all her fault that their grandmother was a complete idiot and that one day it will be their fault that she doesn’t have the mental capacity to record their life events for posterity.
The funny thing is our brain doesn’t only do this soon after the birth of a child. I have found that it can strike at any time. My mother calls these “Senior Moments” but I am not yet ready to have anything “senior”. I prefer “Motherhood Madness” as I am convinced that I would not have these mental problems if I had remained celibate (I knew I should’ve listened to my grandmother).
Let me preface this with letting you know that my Honey is out of town for work. This means that I on my own with all of the kids and dogs………OMG, I miss my Honey!!! Anyway, he left on Sunday morning and we had cheer camp all day in a gym that was about 423 degrees. On Monday, I got Baby Girl up and off to Nana’s and myself off to work. Did I remember to feed her? No – I’ve only fed her breakfast every day of her life for 7 years but for some reason it slipped my mind on this particular morning. I guess it was because I was thinking about all I had to do that day. I needed to make a deposit for Honey, make sure Baby Girl’s uniform was clean for the Redbirds performance that night, buy a video tape for Z’s camera so I can capture the entire 30 second event in living color, dole out all of the tickets for the game to family and friends and make sure she arrived at the stadium no later than 6:15pm. Not to mention that we had made some system changes over the weekend and I was anticipating major fall-out at work. I felt bad that I didn’t feed her but she would surely inform Nana and it would be rectified.
Everything was relatively calm at work – no major issues. At lunchtime I readied myself to run to the bank and Best Buy to pick up the video tape. I go to retrieve my keys from my purse and realize that I can’t find Honey’s money. I’m freaking out because I just KNOW that I put it in an envelope and stuck it in my purse. I bolt out the door and fly home to find it laying on the kitchen table……….where I then remembered that I laid it while I cleaned out the 173 receipts that were wadded up in my purse. I grab the deposit and a Diet Coke and head to the bank. I make the deposit and meander over to KFC to get some lunch. I eat my lunch in the car and drive back to the office…………..forgetting to stop at Best Buy for the tape.
At 4:45p I cut out of work so I can hit Best Buy and still beat traffic on the Interstate – we HAVE to be at the stadium by 6:15 or the Cheerleading Gods will revoke our pom poms! I stand on the aisle where the tapes are and debate over the 5 different kinds that they have. Now, bear in mind, I have written down the exact kind I am supposed to buy but decide that maybe I need to read about all of them just in case there is something better than the manufacturer recommended Hi8 (sometimes being a techie becomes a burden in a time crunch). I finally decide that maybe the manufacturer knows what it’s talking about and I grab a 2 pack or blank tapes and head to the checkout. On my way there, the phone rings – it’s Baby Girl. “Uh, Mama, where are you?” I explain where I am, what I’m doing and that I will be there shortly. She then needs to know where Best Buy is in relation to my office, our house and the friggin International Dateline. While I am trying to explain to her the exact geographical location of the Best Buy, I am digging in my purse to get my wallet and pay for the tapes. NO WALLET!!!! I tell my daughter that I have to go and will be there soon. I hang up and panic. Where could it be!?! It’s PINK – how can you misplace a PINK wallet?!!? I run out to my car only to find it lying in my console – not sure how it got there but I was dang glad to see it. I go back into Best Buy, complete my purchase and RUN to my car. I make it home at 5:20p and yell for Baby Girl to come get dressed.
She gets dressed, I change clothes and put her hair up in the standard “cheer ponytail” complete with her official black ribbon. Prissy knocks on the door (she is going with us) and I throw everyone in the car and away we go – it’s 5:32p. I notice I am about on E and I need cash to park so I whip into the gas station, pump $10 in gas and hit the ATM. Back on the road and it’s only 5:42p – I’m doing good! I maneuver the interstate like a seasoned NASCAR driver and exit on Second Street at exactly 6pm. I manage to remember the directions Mother has given me to the closest parking garage and not get lost. I pay to park and am driving up the garage ramp at 6:11 – 4 minutes to spare – woo hoo!! We get parked, gather all of our stuff, and run to the gate. We enter the park at EXACTLY 6:15 – write it down folks – I was ON TIME!! We make our way to the “designated meeting spot” and find only one other squad member. Obviously I am not the only one who has a job. We wait and wait and wait some more and finally all of our girls (all 7 of them) manage to congregate by 7p (the game starts at 7:05!!!). No problem – I was ON TIME and that’s all I’m focusing on.
All of our invitees arrived – Grandma, OB, Z, Diamond, Cranky and Sparky and we took our seats. At the end of the second inning it came over the PA, “We have a special treat for you tonight. The squads of SYS are going to perform for you on the 1st base line!!” I grabbed the video camera and headed for the wall. All of the girls ran out yelling and screaming and really working the crowd. I spotted Baby Girl and got the camera in focus. I was soooo excited for her and she looked so cute out there doing her little dance. I looked through the view finder and pressed that little red button to record this big moment in her life. Inside the viewfinder I see something flash………”NO TAPE”!!! Son of a ……….I hadn’t put the dang tape in the camera. 15 seconds later is was over and they ran off the field. I returned the camera to the bag along with the 2 unopened tapes and gave it back to my brother and thanked him for the use (lessness) of his camera.
The rest of the game was pretty good. The girls had a ball and I enjoyed spending time with my family. However, in retrospect I probably should’ve had Z play “cameraman” since he is more familiar with the equipment and probably would’ve known that the tape had to actually be put IN the camera in order to capture the images. I guess all those years I was blonde really did do some damage after all. Oh well, ,maybe one day when Baby Girl has children of her own she will understand why there is no video of her self-described “dream come true”. She can explain to her children that it is all her fault that their grandmother was a complete idiot and that one day it will be their fault that she doesn’t have the mental capacity to record their life events for posterity.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Memorial Day Madness
Did everyone have a wonderful Memorial Day? I hope that all of you had a great time filled with family, friends and food. I know mine was. Although, my Honey finally found out how completely neurotic I am this past Friday when he announced that dang near everyone he’s ever met would be filtering through our home during the three day weekend.
I’ve told you that my house is rather small and is now occupied by two adults, 1 full time child (Baby Girl), 1 ¾ child (Prissy a.k.a. Crack Head #2), 1 part time child (his 19 month old daughter – Bug) and 3 dogs (Snow, Nugget and Salty). The funny thing is I am Closter phobic so my life is now in a constant state of OMG!
I was really looking forward to a long, relaxing weekend filled with sun and fun. I had made plans to scrapbook with my girlfriends on Friday evening (yes, I’m a goober). On Saturday I figured we would hang out by the pool or do yard work, get some sun and eventually throw some burgers on the grill. On Sunday we were supposed to grill with the Patio Princesses and on Monday I figured I would relax in the sun and do NOTHING all day. That is what I’d envisioned for my weekend…………that is NOT how it turned out.
Now, I’ve mentioned Bug. She is Honey’s baby girl and she is 19 months old. She is beautiful and I love her like she is my own. She lives with her mother in Illinois and we get her the 1st week of every month. Note, I said 1st week of the month. I love having her here and really wish we could get her more often but as it is now, this is the schedule that her parents have agreed upon and it seems to be working fine.
On Tuesday, I was informed that we were getting Bug back on Friday (May 27th). Now, please don’t get me wrong – I am always happy when Bug comes home but May the 27th isn’t the first week of the month – it is the last week of the month. When I brought this up he looked at me like I was speaking Japanese and said, “It will be the first week in June when I take her back”. Uh, yeah – sorry, I assumed the first week of the month meant that the date we GOT her would be in the actual month of which we were supposed to be getting her the first week of. Either way – no big deal. So, I emailed my girlfriends to let them know that I wouldn’t be joining them to scrap because I wanted/needed to be home when Bug arrived.
On Thursday night Honey informs me that he may not go get Bug until Saturday because he to finish the job he was working on by EOB Friday. OK – I email the girls and tell them I’m back in for scrappin’. Honey calls Bug’s mom to let her know the “new plan” and was met with a little tension. On Friday morning I am informed that he is going to get Bug that evening in order to keep the peace. I send another email – sorry girls, I’m out again”. Around 2p on Friday, Honey calls to let me know that he is not going to pick up Bug and that he’d talked to her mother and everything was cool. I decide not to buy into his trickery again and do not email my girls. Sure enough, he strolls through the door a little after 6p. Dang it!!!! Too late now to gather my stuff and besides, I needed to clean house and do laundry.
As we sit on the patio discussing the “plan” for the weekend I am told that he is leaving at 6am on Saturday to go get Bug (they meet in Missouri). It takes him a little over 6 hours round trip so that puts him home between noon and 1p. Sparky’s birthday party is at 2p – so that will work. I am then told that his sister (Erin), Erin’s Hubby (Tiger), his mother (Mom) and her husband (Nelly) are coming over for dinner because they want to see Bug and Mom’s birthday is on Sunday. OK – so, I will spend Saturday cleaning house and shopping for presents. We will go to a birthday party and have his family over for dinner. I started to itch and feel a little shaky.
Now, you must note, I LOVE his family and I love to visit with them and hang out……..just not in my house. And it’s not just his family, it’s my family, friends, whoever. People in general – that’s a better way to put it and the reason is that I become a nervous wreck when I have a house full of people. It’s not that I don’t like people to come over – it’s just that the house is small and I have too many animals and children running around to allow me to relax. I always feel like I have to be doing something. It’s like nervous energy that I try desperately to use for good and not evil – sometimes it works.
He then tells me that on Sunday his father (Papa) and his step-mother (BB) are coming over to see Bug. OK – so on Sunday we will have the Patio Princesses (Amy, Nana, Harley and TJ) plus Papa and BB. That’s cool – there will be more than enough food and it will be fine. One more thing he adds – on Monday, another couple (the girl who is going to keep Bug) are coming over so I can meet them prior to her beginning her baby sitting gig. Fine – I want to meet this person before I leave my baby with her so this is a good thing…right?
Sometime Friday evening it dawned on me that my relaxing holiday weekend was going to be anything but. I had a small breakdown which prompted my Honey to finally realize that inviting the world over without discussing it with me first is probably not the best decision he can make. He assured me that he will remember my neurosis in the future thus avoiding having me go into mental overload. Personally, I just don’t think he likes snot on his shoulder or the fact that he feels obligated to try and console me when I’m having a completely ridiculous breakdown.
However, I must say that the weekend went well. We enjoyed the company of our family and friends and ate TONS of wonderful food (compliments of my Honey – he is a fabulous cook) and I didn’t hyperventilate or throw up. The weather wasn’t great – cool and cloudy but it never rained so we were able to keep the party outside. That helped me a lot because it’s the crowding in the house that sends me over the edge. I managed to relax and enjoy everyone being there. Maybe there is hope for me after all……….nah, I’ll always be a freak.
I’ve told you that my house is rather small and is now occupied by two adults, 1 full time child (Baby Girl), 1 ¾ child (Prissy a.k.a. Crack Head #2), 1 part time child (his 19 month old daughter – Bug) and 3 dogs (Snow, Nugget and Salty). The funny thing is I am Closter phobic so my life is now in a constant state of OMG!
I was really looking forward to a long, relaxing weekend filled with sun and fun. I had made plans to scrapbook with my girlfriends on Friday evening (yes, I’m a goober). On Saturday I figured we would hang out by the pool or do yard work, get some sun and eventually throw some burgers on the grill. On Sunday we were supposed to grill with the Patio Princesses and on Monday I figured I would relax in the sun and do NOTHING all day. That is what I’d envisioned for my weekend…………that is NOT how it turned out.
Now, I’ve mentioned Bug. She is Honey’s baby girl and she is 19 months old. She is beautiful and I love her like she is my own. She lives with her mother in Illinois and we get her the 1st week of every month. Note, I said 1st week of the month. I love having her here and really wish we could get her more often but as it is now, this is the schedule that her parents have agreed upon and it seems to be working fine.
On Tuesday, I was informed that we were getting Bug back on Friday (May 27th). Now, please don’t get me wrong – I am always happy when Bug comes home but May the 27th isn’t the first week of the month – it is the last week of the month. When I brought this up he looked at me like I was speaking Japanese and said, “It will be the first week in June when I take her back”. Uh, yeah – sorry, I assumed the first week of the month meant that the date we GOT her would be in the actual month of which we were supposed to be getting her the first week of. Either way – no big deal. So, I emailed my girlfriends to let them know that I wouldn’t be joining them to scrap because I wanted/needed to be home when Bug arrived.
On Thursday night Honey informs me that he may not go get Bug until Saturday because he to finish the job he was working on by EOB Friday. OK – I email the girls and tell them I’m back in for scrappin’. Honey calls Bug’s mom to let her know the “new plan” and was met with a little tension. On Friday morning I am informed that he is going to get Bug that evening in order to keep the peace. I send another email – sorry girls, I’m out again”. Around 2p on Friday, Honey calls to let me know that he is not going to pick up Bug and that he’d talked to her mother and everything was cool. I decide not to buy into his trickery again and do not email my girls. Sure enough, he strolls through the door a little after 6p. Dang it!!!! Too late now to gather my stuff and besides, I needed to clean house and do laundry.
As we sit on the patio discussing the “plan” for the weekend I am told that he is leaving at 6am on Saturday to go get Bug (they meet in Missouri). It takes him a little over 6 hours round trip so that puts him home between noon and 1p. Sparky’s birthday party is at 2p – so that will work. I am then told that his sister (Erin), Erin’s Hubby (Tiger), his mother (Mom) and her husband (Nelly) are coming over for dinner because they want to see Bug and Mom’s birthday is on Sunday. OK – so, I will spend Saturday cleaning house and shopping for presents. We will go to a birthday party and have his family over for dinner. I started to itch and feel a little shaky.
Now, you must note, I LOVE his family and I love to visit with them and hang out……..just not in my house. And it’s not just his family, it’s my family, friends, whoever. People in general – that’s a better way to put it and the reason is that I become a nervous wreck when I have a house full of people. It’s not that I don’t like people to come over – it’s just that the house is small and I have too many animals and children running around to allow me to relax. I always feel like I have to be doing something. It’s like nervous energy that I try desperately to use for good and not evil – sometimes it works.
He then tells me that on Sunday his father (Papa) and his step-mother (BB) are coming over to see Bug. OK – so on Sunday we will have the Patio Princesses (Amy, Nana, Harley and TJ) plus Papa and BB. That’s cool – there will be more than enough food and it will be fine. One more thing he adds – on Monday, another couple (the girl who is going to keep Bug) are coming over so I can meet them prior to her beginning her baby sitting gig. Fine – I want to meet this person before I leave my baby with her so this is a good thing…right?
Sometime Friday evening it dawned on me that my relaxing holiday weekend was going to be anything but. I had a small breakdown which prompted my Honey to finally realize that inviting the world over without discussing it with me first is probably not the best decision he can make. He assured me that he will remember my neurosis in the future thus avoiding having me go into mental overload. Personally, I just don’t think he likes snot on his shoulder or the fact that he feels obligated to try and console me when I’m having a completely ridiculous breakdown.
However, I must say that the weekend went well. We enjoyed the company of our family and friends and ate TONS of wonderful food (compliments of my Honey – he is a fabulous cook) and I didn’t hyperventilate or throw up. The weather wasn’t great – cool and cloudy but it never rained so we were able to keep the party outside. That helped me a lot because it’s the crowding in the house that sends me over the edge. I managed to relax and enjoy everyone being there. Maybe there is hope for me after all……….nah, I’ll always be a freak.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Women Vs. Men....Guess Who Wins
WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMAN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a TV remote control in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally!”
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A Man’s Perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider!
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man…
“Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered,
“It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers…’cause it’s soooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.”
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job.”
The wife replies, “No you should do it – and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that – show me.”
So the fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament…
To the Book of HeBrews.
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMAN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a TV remote control in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally!”
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A Man’s Perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider!
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man…
“Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered,
“It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers…’cause it’s soooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.”
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job.”
The wife replies, “No you should do it – and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that – show me.”
So the fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament…
To the Book of HeBrews.
English Is Hard
Sorry I've been so lax lately but there has been lots going on. I have so much I need to tell you guys! Memorial Day was BUSY, Baby Girl will be cheering at a Redbirds game, Bug is potty training and my job still sucks. However, I'm not posting about any of those today.........well, not right this second anyway. Right now I would like to share a list of "reasons English is hard to learn" that my mother sent to me earlier. Any of you out there that love words like I do will truly appreciate this.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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